Je mourrais d'être mince: traveling

Showing posts with label traveling. Show all posts

Another year has gone by

Happy new year!

I have a bit of news to share...

So there's that. Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration. My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us). It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.

But where am I now? Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast. I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body. I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable. I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat. I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body. I must be thinner. I just must be thinner.

I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become. Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought. Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws... Maybe that will never be me. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning. It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity. Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.

All of this makes me stressed. Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card! Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed. I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this.

I don't know. I just don't know. On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure. On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.

All over the place

My life is all over the place right now. Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...

Let's go back to the half-marathon in June. To be honest, it was a complete disaster! I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces. My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable. No, I just had pain everywhere. Everywhere. By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail. Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race. So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there. Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up. By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running. I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20. My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.

Since the race my training has been going ok. Not great, but I am making my way through the program. I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area. I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes. Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7. I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012. I have lost speed on my regular easy runs. I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work. I guess time will tell.

At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible. We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes. Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine. The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple. We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.

Work has been going well. My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed. I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency. It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens. (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel. While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community. When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible. When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis. I find that encouraging!)

And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline. I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high. After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now. Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love. She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder. I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car. I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum. I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained. It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it). I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it. But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am? I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.

Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful. Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her. And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding. She was there with her new baby and husband. And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse. I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me. I cried before I went to the party. I am so embarrassed.

On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night. I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault. While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution? Drown my feelings in food! This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television. Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food? With my body? Why???

So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.

In my head

So the dress definitely fit a little better than the beginning of the month, but not nearly well enough to wear in public.

I'm not sure what to do.

My brain is so dissatisfied with my weight. But I have been writing and griping about this for years. YEARS. I have lost years of my life to these stupid body dysmorphic thoughts. And for what? Literally nothing. My weight has fluctuated in the same ten pound range since 2009.

And now, for the most part I am content with my life and cannot be bothered to focus the energy I need on restricting and losing weight. It used to come naturally, especially when I was feeling frazzled and distressed and lost. But now (thankfully??) I am gainfully employed, in a blissful relationship, and have a much less stressful life, I have lost the need for this stupid coping mechanism and cannot manage to control my weight in a healthy manner.

I assume that I will encounter periods in my life when I will lean on my eating issues to cope with stress and difficult times. I will not be surprised in the slightest. But for now, I guess I should be grateful that I am generally feeling ok, even if I do think I am too fat.

In other news, I have been a bit ill in the tummy department. I have had digestive distress for about a month so I finally went to the doctor and they are running tests. I think everything will be fine, but it will be good to have it sorted out. And would you believe that even after a month of that, I have yet to lose a pound? It's a cruel world, I tell you.

Hmm, I also ran a 5k this morning in just over 25 minutes, so I was pleased with that. And I am definitely running a marathon in September.

And Benjamin arrives this week - we are going to California/Oregon/Washington and I anticipate we will have a splendid time together. I am so excited to just see his smile and breathe him in on Thursday.

Maybe I should think about closing this blog... I don't know... I love reading everyone else's blogs, but I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to contribute at this point...

Maybe I'm just feeling particularly weird today since it's the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance (and presumably her death)...

Stubborn

January is gone already.

My resolve for making changes has not waned, but the results have not appeared.

I finished one month of Insanity, started practicing yoga more regularly (1-2 times per week), and began marathon training. And yet, despite the fact that I am getting strong, I am not getting thinner. I have not lost a single pound.

I can't take it.

I am leaving on Tuesday night for France. It's just for a long weekend. Yes, it is extravagant, but people in love do such silly things. I am dreading facing my boyfriend in such a state. He is so beautiful and in such good shape. He deserves an equally attractive partner.

The only way I will lose anything by then is skipping most meals and drowning myself in caffeine for a few days.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I think I can handle that for the rest of the week except for Saturday, when I must go on my long run (9 miles this week I think?)

I have been thinking about a lot of you lately. Miranda of course, with her surgery. Peri with her accident. Lulu with her broken heart. Ruby in treatment. Bella who I just want to scoop up and hug. Isobel, who popped back onto the blog and then out again. Piggy with her job troubles and upcoming trip to San Diego. Eloise, who left her blog ages ago but still keeps in contact via Facebook and tumblr. Mich, well because she's Mich! AnnaMaria with her difficult studies and plans for London. Avy meandering the streets of my beloved Paris. I think of you all, often. Truly I do.

I need to get back to this blog more often. It's the only way I will ever maintain some self control.

New year. New me?

A new year. A time to start over and make changes.

We do it every year, don't we? We decide to eat this, not eat that, adopt this new exercise regime, fit into these clothes, practice yoga, relax, save money...

I cannot say that I am immune. I made a list of resolutions with the usual suspects making the rounds. I think I am finally in a good, stable place in my young adult life that I can dedicate the time and energy it takes to losing the weight I want for good. I re-started Insanity, and my goal is to make it through to the end (I stopped just a bit short last summer). I am signing up for a marathon in May, so I will start training for that in February. Additionally, I have made a ton of travel plans, including another trip to France in February. Things with Benjamin as just so. damn good. He and his family allowed me to have an amazing holiday and I am constantly surprised by how smoothly this all operates. (And as a side note, I was able to see Pauline's grandmother and get everyone their presents after all. It was clearly painful for her but it was so good to see her.) He is not afraid of the future at all, he just makes plans. He already bought his plane ticket and took his vacation for May. We planned out our entire year of travel (you can all remember how it was like pulling teeth with Juan, and he could never commit to anything and barely wanted to communicate with me at all). I just cannot wait until May to see Benjamin. Four months is too long, and since I can barely afford the ticket, I feel like it is money well spent. I made a budget for the year so I can really make a good dent in my student loans. In fact, considering it is just the beginning of January, I feel like I am off to a great start and have plenty of momentum to carry me through.

But then, again, I am still dissatisfied with the same old, same old.

I came home from France about one pound higher than when I left.

Unfortunately, that one pound is at the utmost highest limit of my weight range. I literally want to crawl out of my skin and take on another body. Perhaps this constant discomfort will finally, finally lead me to reach my goal...

I found a food/weight diary from around the time when Juan broke up with me, January 2012, and I was so disciplined. I was comfortably under 130 pounds and eating in an extremely controlled manner. I have started my food diary again, but I know I am still eating too much to lose weight quickly. Reading my intake at the end of the day, however, is a wake up call... as is having to get on the scale and write that number down in black-and-white. I have to make a change. I am tired of being so unhappy and uncomfortable with this aspect of my life. Enough is enough.

Maybe I need to start recording it here too? I know that recording intakes/weights can be very triggering for some people, and that isn't my goal. Perhaps my little notebook is enough of a conscience for now. I do not want my blog or actions to impact anyone else.

This post is becoming such a rambling mess.

I promise that for the most part, I am feeling good. I am happy. I am settling in well with my job and things are amazing with Benjamin. I wish I had more social opportunities, since I live in a really rural area and only have a few friends here, but I can handle it. I am excited about Insanity and training for another marathon. I ran a 10k in France that went extremely well considering I had barely been running, so I'm excited to see how I can improve my marathon time with some dedicated effort. My travel plans are coming together - France in February/July/Christmas, and Benjamin is coming in May (we are going out to northern California and up to visit my brother in Seattle), August/September and November. It's just this one, final thing that is always nagging.

Why can't I just have the genetics/discipline/good fortune to not be fat?

Merry Christmas?

So just when I thought I was feeling sort of ok-ish?

I received an email from Pauline's grandmother yesterday morning telling me that she thinks seeing me this Christmas will be too painful for her, now that I am dating Benjamin. (For anyone who is not following along, Benjamin was my dear friend Pauline's boyfriend for a long time. They intended to be married sometime in the next few years and were living together when she went missing. Also, I spent the majority of my summer with Pauline's grandmother, who I call Mamie, and I think we did a lot of healing together.) I obviously understand that this is a difficult time of year -for me too, I especially miss Pauline now that a year has passed since we buried her and Christmas is coming. I also understand as she wrote to me in this email, that is is shocking for people to see us together. She also indicated that she feels like she is betraying Pauline in some way.

As you might imagine, while I understand how she feels, I am so so so sad. I love this family as my own. Frankly, I was closer with Pauline than my own older brother. Benjamin and I both love Pauline and that will never stop. I know I don't have to repeat this all here, but I think its probably not an appropriate thing to say to her or try to explain? I am trying to decide what to say and I need to reply soon. I carefully chose Christmas gifts for Mamie, Pauline's parents, her sister (who is quite upset with me after the summer), and her younger brother, and given the circumstances I guess I will just need to deliver them and dash off. Even if they do not want to see me, I do want to offer them the gifts I chose - giving gifts is an important gesture for me. Pauline and I always sent each other wonderful Christmas boxes with gifts for each other and our families. I want to hold on to that. In addition, I love giving gifts to my family and closest friends, its a tangible expression of love. I hope that I am able to deliver them and still respect their wishes in the process. I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

And to make matters worse...

I went for my employment physical yesterday.

I have eaten very well over the past 10 days since Benjamin returned to France. I had a banana and coffee for breakfast yesterday, soup and an apple for lunch. I arrived at the doctor and of course he wanted to measure and weigh me. He asked, "You you know how tall you are and what you weigh?" I replied that I was a bit over 5'7" and probably weighed more with my winter clothes and boots than I do at home, and I asked if I should take off my shoes. He told me to leave them on. I hopped on the scale and he said, "You're definitely under 5'7" to which I jestingly argued, "Are you sure that's accurate, I've been measure enough times before to know I'm a little taller than that." Then I looked at the number on the scale. I could have broken down in tears. He asked, "Is that good or bad?" I said, "Eh, its ok, it should be a little less," and we moved on.

I can't write the number I saw, but it is indelibly recorded in my brain. I was devastated. Obviously, given the circumstances, I knew it would be high. I knew it. But that high? I just can't. Especially going into this season of excess. I just can't. It's giving me anxiety about my trip.

Thank goodness I can easily avoid unnecessary eating at work. I have to get this under control. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Time to wake up from the dream

So Benjamin left almost a week ago. We had such an amazing time, it was like a dream, honestly. It was so good just to spend time together, with my friends, with my family and continue to grow closer.

I don't like to compare my relationships and feelings because it is sort of unfair in that every relationship is incredibly different, but I think in the end it is inevitable. When I think about the love I have for Benjamin, it is on such a different level from what I had with Juan. It's so mutual and trusting and solid. I know we are working equally as hard and are equally dedicated. Not to mention, you can feel how genuine and honest he is - when he says he is in this, I know he means that. I feel a calmness and strength when I am with him that is unique to any relationship I have had. Even though being far apart is going to be hard, I am truthfully not worried. We are just grown-up partners who want to work together to share dreams and make something better… what a concept right? With Juan, even though I loved him so intensely, I was constantly working to keep him. It should not be like that. It feels so damn good to be able to trust Benjamin and know he is a worthy guy. And lest you think I am rushing this, I have known him for a little more than eight years now. He was always amazing to Pauline and he has lived up to his reputation with me as well.

At this point, I cannot complain too much about the way things are shaking out. I started my job (FINALLY!) last week and get a real, adult paycheck on the 26th. Things are a little slow at the moment since it is a government job and many people are taking vacation/comp time/personal days before the end of the year. In January, I have a bunch of projects to get rolling and I am excited to put my skills to use in a field that I love. Additionally, I was able to negotiate unpaid leave when I began, so I did not have to cancel my trip to France for next week. Yes, I know we just saw each other, but his parents invited me for the holidays. I arranged the trip in September and since I have not accrued vacation days, I will be missing a week of work without being paid. Obviously the trip will be entirely worth it. On the downside, after this trip, we will probably not see each other again until May or June… that is a looooooong time.

So other than that, clearly I have turned into a little knitting factory in preparation for Christmas (and no, Mich, I haven't forgotten about the half-finished tea cozy that I began for you ages ago… it's on the top of the "to knit" list for 2014) and am trying my best to minimize eating. I still have not worked out how I will exercise with this new work schedule, since I leave at 8 and am home at 5… it is dark at 6:30 and dark when I return home. It has also been bitterly cold (15F) and snowy as of late. I know when I am in France I will go running nearly every day with Benjamin and in January I plan to re-start Insanity, which I can do before or after work. While Benjamin was here, we ate in restaurants and drank wine with great frequency. I was working very hard on Piggy's challenge and managed to finally get below 140 (3 lb loss!) just before he arrived. I gained some of that back over the past two weeks but have been quite strict in the week since he left and have at least one more to lose again. My fridge is stocked with salad and kale! I am hoping to get to 138 by this coming Friday. That will be a challenge, but I think I can do it. Then, I will be in France and while we will celebrate a lot, we will also be very active and there may not be as many vegetarian options for me to choose from. So, I am hoping that between adding exercise and daily walking, I should stay the same. Then we all know it will be 2014 and everyone will be making resolutions. I make the same ones every year, but I think finally since my life is stable for the first time in forever, I may be able to reach them. I am going to run another marathon in the spring, so this winter is the perfect time for me to finally reach my goal weight, improve my fitness (I don't think I will ever, ever, reach my UGW of 118, but at this point I would be happy with 125-128), and finally be content. I know I am not content now. Everything on my body is too big and my clothes are too tight. My Frenchman is used to lithe, wispy girls… and while he is insistent that he loves me just as I am (he regularly tells me that asses like mine don't exist in France, which is true, since French girls don't exercise!) I know I could be so much better (for him and for me).

How is everyone doing? I am quite behind on reading and definitely behind on commenting, but I am trying to get caught up over this snowy weekend…

Please head over to give Ruby some love and support, she just came home from treatment and you can find the details in her latest post.

Oh, and one last thing. When Benjamin and I were visit Washington DC, we were being silly one afternoon and I was sort of sprawled on top of him on the bed pretending to sleep… this led him to jokingly(?) call me a "beached whale"… Yeah, yeah, I know… I was playfully hurt and let it slide until we went to dinner the next night. After a few glasses of wine I gently laid it out. I explained to him that it's not something I really like to joke about. Both of my parents are always overnight or obese, I beta my first diet at age 10, and there have been periods of time in my life where I was essentially very eating disordered (though never diagnosed). I told him that he can joke about anything but that. I told him that I have a blog where I write all of my feelings about this nonsense so that I can contain it somewhere. And you know what? He apologized AND he said I was so brave for telling him that. That he would have had no idea and that he really appreciated me telling him. So, I guess that's good?

To Munich with love

One week from today, I will be sitting on a plane, heart broken and excited at the same time, on my way back to the United States.

Since my last entry a few weeks ago, you could say that a few things have changed. I spent the remaining time with my family here soaking up the sun and enjoying their company as much as possible. My summer with them was incredibly therapeutic and helped heal my soul in so many ways. Besides healing me, however, I think I was also able to make a positive impact on their lives as well - especially my Mamie. She has struggled to process Pauline's death, and when I arrived would cry at the mention of her name. After spending most of my free time with her, I believe I was able to help her in some way. While no one will ever forget or "get over" this tragedy, it is possible for your daily life to move forward and to honor Pauline in a positive way.

For most of July and August I was privileged to have the opportunity to totally relax and spend countless hours laying in the sun one the sand next to the ocean. This is the only time in my entire life where I have had more than one week of vacation at one time, and the first time in approximately six years that I have visited the beach! I am typically pale as can be throughout the entirety of summer, as I spend all of my time working, but this summer I decided to just embrace my good fortune and get a tan. Between eating relatively healthy, fresh food, and continuing my exercise, I was able to forget some of my hang ups and clear my mind enough to spend most of my time in a bathing suit. It's amazing when you "fake it to make it" and eventually your mind itself shifts in a positive direction.

Which leads me to my next development... I know several of you were (justifiably) concerned about my nascent relationship with Pauline's former boyfriend, Benjamin. During the first weeks of us bantering back and forth, I mulled over the same questions a million times in my mind. As time went by, and the date for my return to Munich approached, I became even more nervous - thinking when I arrive he will be disappointed, or it will be weird, or it will feel wrong, or our friends will be angry, and a million other negative thoughts. I am pleased to report, however, that the second we laid eyes on each other at the airport, every last little negative sentiment disappeared and we just melted into each other. It could not have felt more right.

The past two years have been difficult for us both. Between my up-and-down relationship and excruciatingly painful breakup with Juan and Pauline's disappearance and death, both of us were definitely in a position to feel like we would spend the rest of our lives alone. Even after having a bit of fun with Allan, I still felt like I had a gaping hole in my heart in the shape of Juan. Being with Benjamin has made me realize that it's not a matter of a hole in my heart - he has taken my heart and completely enveloped and wrapped it up with the utmost care. My God, he is spectacular. His kindness, generosity, and sensitivity astound me. He is so level headed, but understands emotions like no man I have ever met. We constantly make each other laugh and see eye-to-eye on important things. If forgot how it felt to know that someone was genuinely interested in your hope and dreams and fears. He is intelligent, clever, hardworking, and curious. And perhaps the best of all, he looks at me with the same kind of admiration I feel for him.

We spent Saturday in Salzburg and had such a lovely, easy, natural time together. Sunday we spent the morning in bed, and it wasn't long before neither of us could hold it in any longer. Like he was ready to burst, he trembled and told me that he loved me. In the past, I have always accepted this sentiment graciously and waited with careful consideration to reply. Before I even arrived in Munich, I knew I was already in love with him, so of course I said it back.

He is not afraid of my past and my heartbreak. He is not afraid to discuss the serious things that are a part of our lives, mainly a huge ocean and the need for one of us (likely me) to relocate. I was clear that I could never move my life so far away from everything without knowing I would be married, even though moving to France is something I have wanted to do for my whole life. He said he would NEVER ask me to do that unless he was sure he would have me forever. He is buying a plane ticket for Thanksgiving and wants to meet my family. His parents have already invited me for Christmas.

We both just keep saying that it can't be true. Life isn't this good.

And at the same time, I know it feels exactly how it should feel.

Sorry to be gushing uncontrollably about this. I know there have been times in my life where this would be the last thing I would want to read. But I suppose it is good to share so that we all realize there is good in the world and you are entitled and bound to be happy at some time. We do not all need to remain broken - or at least if we are broken, we can put our attention on healing ourselves and helping to heal others through love.

I have also learned through a string of many relationships, that when my partner makes me feel inadequate (for whatever reason) my dysmorphic thoughts abound. When I am treated with kindness and affection of the most true sort, I am somehow able to relax and treat my body with the respect it deserves. (Although my God, I really wish I had a scale right now... I'm actually quite sure I have not gained, and possibly even lost). This is no way universal, but I'm sure someone else must feel this way.

So, I leave you with some photographs from our weekend and I will return in about ten days.

One month to go

Less than a month has passed since my last post, but much has changed...

I have one month to go before I return to the United States, and I am determined to make it worth while. Since I last wrote, I spent a weekend visiting friends in Munich and have returned to the beach (rough, I know). I started Insanity at the beginning of July, which was been going ok so far. This week is the "recovery week" and I am truly trying to rest. A lot of the jumping has been irritating my hips/hip flexors. Additionally, we have had some lovely, breezy weather the past few mornings, so I have been running. The combination is a bit much for my joints today, so I am taking some I unscheduled rest. Maybe if I feel good tonight, I will do the recovery video, as it really is less intense. I do not have a scale, but I am fairly certain that I am the same size as when I arrived... Meaning too heavy, obviously, but that is better than gaining. I think I am somewhere right around 140 lbs, which is my upper limit. My ultimate dream is to be 118, which seems forever from now. But, for the next three weeks I am trying to be extra disciplined in preparation to go back to Munich.

Which brings me to my next bit of news...

So Munich. Around the 18th of July, I ventured to Munich to visit Pauline's boyfriend (obviously he is not her boyfriend anymore, but they were dating/living together when she disappeared/died). We all had a lovely (and kind of crazy!) weekend together and because I arrived the night before everyone else, and left the afternoon after everyone else, I had the chance to spend some time with Benjamin, just the two of us. Well, after all of that, I guess if come as a great surprise to us both that it was incredibly difficult to part ways at the airport. The entire weekend I thought he was flirting with me, but then I just chalked it up to me being a little crazy and him being suuuuuuuuper nice. Au contraire... Since then we have been chatting and Skyping with great regularity and it is clear that he he very interested in me. I honestly cannot say enough good things about him. While the situation is unconventional, to say the least, I hope our friends will be ok with it. Pauline and I had a lot in common, so many is not so surprising that we like each other? And on top of that, Benjamin and I have shared this horrible, unspeakable experience together.... It's a very difficult thing to explain to someone, and frankly unless you have experienced it or something similar, I believe it is impossible to understand. S even in the face of great tragedy, I suppose we have been brought together.

So where does that leave me? And Allan? And Benjamin?

Well, last week, I called Allan and broke up with him. It was not my intention to end things over the phone while I was in Europe, but I also felt it unethical to perhaps get involved with someone else before tying up the loose ends with Allan. To say that he was angry and upset is a major understatement. I know we weren't together for long, but he felt very strongly about me. I have never broken up with anyone, so I hope I managed to do it in a kind way. Today, in fact, I am going to the post office to send him a small package... I knitted a sweater for his new little baby that should arrive any day ow, I bought her sweet little booties in Paris and a beautiful wallet for him in Italy. In addition, I wrote him a letter to explain some things and one fully alleviate some pain. I am so sorry to have hurt him, but I hope with some time he understands that this was inevitable and necessary. Maybe if we met five years in the future, it would be different. But the facts remain hat he is still married and having another baby, this week.

And in the meantime, Benjamin very very kindly bought me a plane ticket to go back to Munich on the 23 or August. I will be there ith him for a week, we will head to a party at our friends in Amboise (south of Paris) and then to Paris for a few days before I go home. It feels a bit dreamy in fact, and at the moment three weeks feels like an eternity. I must say, it feel so good to be all full of butterflies. I am nervous as all get out that after spending some more time ith me he will realize that A. I am not all that exciting/fun/cool/loveable and B. long distance relationships are a little crazy. Obviously, I will have to wait and see. But for now, I have stumbled on some good fortune and I am trying to enjoy it. He's a total catch... Smart, gorgeous, French, has a job and an apartment, nice family, so polite and maybe the kindest person I know. And we have a lot in common... We will see...

So what else?

I am just trying to not feel guilty about spending another month sans employment (I search every day and am constantly applying). I have a lot of down time to visit the beach and knit, which even though logically it makes me feel super guilty, I know that it is good for healing my soul and I have she rest of my life to work. I am also trying to let go of food and weight hangups, which is sort of-not really working. My head is still a mess, and there have been days where I refused to go to the beach be ause I did ot want to be seen in my bathing suit. But then yesterday I ran in my sports bra and spent the afternoon in my bikini... But then this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and cannot help but compare myself to my impossibly tiny host mother/aunt/cousins girlfriend... It's a constant mental back-and-forth. It hasn't really affected me eating, per se, which I guess is healthy. I et three square meals but no snacks (the French don't reply do snacking), and mostly vegetables and fruit. I am also eating bread and cheese, which I never do in the US, which is probably why I haven't lost anything. In preparation for Munich, I am going to exercise as much as I can... Insanity, running, swimming, and stick to salad and tea. I think I can do it. And even if I don't really lose weight I know it will make me feel better. Pauline was insanely petite, so I cannot help but compare myself to her too.

I have been reading everyone's blogs (though not watching vlogs because of my spotty Internet connection) but without Google reader I am finding it more difficult to comment... From my tablet, it irks, but from my phone (which is what I mostly use to read), I can't figure it out. I have been keeping up, though! Please don't feel ignored, friends.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summers... August always goes by in a flash for me, whether I am on vacation or working or anticipating a new school year... So no matter what you re doing, I hope you can pause and enjoy life for a little. As for those of you in wintertime down south, I'm not sur that all applies... Just have a cuppa, ok?

Much love.

The beach and feeling like a whale

I spent a lovely week at the beach when I returned from Rome/Naples/Pompeii/Capri. My family here has a home on a little island off of the Atlantic coast. It is really nice, but modest - the location of the property is its best asset, as it is literally a 5 minute walk to a peaceful beach on the bay side. It isn't unusually too crowded and you can spend hours there relaxing.

While I was there, I was feeling beyond self conscious about being in a bathing suit, but I managed to deal with it. Now, I started Insanity, and I've been eating more carbs and fat than I ever do in the states. The combination is not working... I've gained about three pounds since I arrived, but I thought I would be losing! I only eat at regular meal times, hardly a snack. In Rome I was doing ok, since I was walking constantly... But now, I'm just not active enough to justify what I eat.

Today, I ate a modest breakfast and am just going to have an espresso for lunch. I know that isn't the best option, but I think my brain needs a little break from food today. It's not restriction, it's just that I need a breather. Does that make sense? I just want to live on veggies and smoothies, but it's not really possible.

When I get back in September, I'm determined to start insanity again. I've made it through two weeks already and it's great. I know I would see much better results if I was controlling my eating and being more disciplined.

What else? Well, things with Allan are about to implode. I imagine a month from now we will barely be talking.... His (unofficially ex) wife is having his baby in August. I think that's just a little too much for me to handle. If he was already divorced, it would be different. But the fact is, he's not, and won't be for a long time. I don't think he totally understands that love just isn't enough to keep us together. I know he truly loves me. I believe him when he says it. But I can't go all-in with him, I just feel like there are a million things in the way. Anyway, I'm trying to just remain supportive and be there for him right now. We can reassess when I come home, but I don't have a good feeling about it.

I've been trying to catch up on everyone's blogs, but feedly had a major bug when google reader shut down. Everything is working again, but I'm wayyyyyyyy behind on Peri's blogs and Lulu's videos.

Today I am returning to Paris and then visiting Pauline's boyfriend in Munich. He is working there for the summer. Her sister and sisters's boyfriend, and two of our other friends are all joining us. Should be a good, easy weekend. I still have more than 6 weeks before I have to start my real life, and I'm trying to just let my brain rest and my soul heal. I've been having lots of good talks with Popi's mom and grandmother. It helps. And I've been applying for many, many jobs. I had an interview this week and will hopefully hear soon.

Time for a deep breath and a few cups of tea. I can't help but think, every time I look in the mirror, that I am so huge. I know I'm not morbidly obese, but I hate hate hate that feeling of being at the high end of my normal fluctuation. I always want to be below my lowest. Especially here, where so many people are thin. Even my French grammie told me yesterday not to eat so much. And on top of that, it's summer and very hot here... You can't wear pants and sweaters.

Sigh. Trying not to be ungrateful and get out of my own head.

Paris and Roma

Some of you might remember that I am taking a bit of an extended vacation this summer.

On the 5th of June I left for Paris. After a layover in Rekjavik, I arrived and settled in with my friend Pauline's family (she is my darling friend who went missing and was found dead last year). They put me up for the night and it was good to reconnect with them. I spent the next two days with friends from the States, showing them around and helping them navigate. They were nice enough to let me stay in their hotel too. I spent one more night with Pauline's family, and then went to my friend Benjamin's apartment until I left for Rome.

Benjamin and his girlfriend were so nice to put me up for ten days in their little flat. It was nice to just wander around all day and then reconnect in the evening to make dinner together and catch up. Benjamin was Pauline's best guy friend, and his girlfriend also knew her very well. We had a little reunion dinner of all of the friends of hers who are in Paris, and had a nice time catching up and remembering her. If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow my Instagram, you'll know I've been taking quite a few photos of my trip so far... My Instagram is sashoemaker if you are interested.

Right now, I am in Rome, however. A friend of mine was teaching a workshop and living in an apartment here for to weeks and invited me to tag along. He is a sculptor, and he and his friend ran a two week class of sculpting and learning about sculpture in Rome. The location of the apartment and the studio are both great and central. I was afraid I would never learn my way around Rome, as it is much more confusing than Paris, but in fact I have a decent handle on things now. Unlike Paris, where I just wandered without agenda, having done a lot of tourist things in the past, here I was on a mission for my first few days. I saw the Borghese Gallery, visited the Vatican, and the Colosseum/Palatine/Roman Forum all in three days. In between, I went to see great sculptures in a handful of cathedrals throughout the city. The students in the group were so much fun and it was great to hang out with them and not bother my friend all the time. They ranged in age from 22-55 or so, and had a wide variety of professions, and were from all over the world. Typical me, I had a few Mexican guys keeping me company until they left this morning. It was of course, flattering, but I miss Allan.

So what about food and exercise? Well, I've been eating more than usual at mealtimes, for sure. But, I have or been snacking whatsoever since I left the US. I have, on the other hand, not been running much (I was better with it in Paris, but Rome has been scorching and my days have been packed... I'll probably go tonight). I have no scale and brought mostly jersey dresses and things that don't show if I've gained, so I really have no idea. Have the miles and miles of walking in e heat balanced out the food and wine? I guess I should take some measurements today. That will help. My only trouble is that I have been eating wheat almost every day, which leaves me with a bit of a swollen belly. Regardless, I need to gauge. And, Allan and I are starting Insanity on July 5, when I am settled again in France. I know that will help a lot too.

Even though I've been eating and letting myself go a bit, I haven't been feeling too down. Maybe I'm just distracted a lot, and have had a lot of flattery from the guys around here... I don't know. I do know I am in no shape to be in a bathing suit on the 5th, but I'm trying to just keep myself generally relaxed. That is the whole reason I am here, after all. To distress and heal.

I hope everyone is well... My Internet availability has been sporadic, so I am quite behind on blogs. I managed to send out a few postcards to my lovely friends here, but Peri, I am missing your address and I sent you an email that you ignored! Over wise, LuLu, Mich, Ruby, and Cinnamon should have seen some mail by now. If I didn't send you one, don't feel left out... Is mainly just whose current addresses I was sure I had... And they cost a lot in the end! I send about 20 total, which is €0.95 each for postage and then the post card too! Yikes!

I am going to try and catch up on a bit of blogs reading today and hopefully will post again when I'm in France.

Much love <3

Reeling

So a lot has changed and will continue to change in the next two weeks.

I graduated with my masters and moved out of my apartment on Sunday after finishing the Color Run with my friend. I said tearful goodbyes to my roommates and Allan. Not exactly sure where we stand, so I am trying to just let it be.

I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday and still feel pretty rough. I have yet to take a single pain pill, but continuously have ice strapped to my face.

In less than two weeks, I have to organize my apartment's-worth of belongings and pack for the next three months. Visit and say goodbye to my friends here in my hometown, and finally, escape.

So what, besides my horribly swollen face, is plaguing me?

I am terribly huge. Honestly. Truly. My mother said my face is round. She told me that I am eating out of boredom. And to make matters worse, I cannot exercise - in fact, I can hardly move or it induces swelling. I have to eat something in order to take the antibiotics.

I hope I can finally get all of the stress in my life under control for once. Allan is wonderful, but I don't know what is going to happen to us, which makes me sad and stressed. He insists I am still hung up on Juan, which stresses me out. Then, there was just the past several weeks of school. My teeth. Moving. Packing. Pauline. I don't know. The stress is making me heavier, that's for sure. Once I touch down in France, and am sure I will feel much more at ease, even if I am still emotionally reeling. Or at least I hope so.

Ok, now I am just rambling on about the same old, same old.

I need to stop eating. If not altogether, than surely not so much. I can't take it anymore. I know it's a horrible attitude. I know it's not healthy. And truly most of that is just in my head, not in my actions, so don't be too concerned.

Exhausted

My head is spinning.

This semester has been so incredibly busy. Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.

Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font. Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...). My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in. I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal. Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight. I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down. Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate. While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship. I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.

As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated. His life is just so. damn. complicated. Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens. Between us, everything is lovely. He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him. It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term. Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August. Yeah. With two older kids already. I know. I know. But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind. Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that. And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life. He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him. Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that. I will be very sad to leave him when I go away. It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.

People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer. The truth is, this too is complicated. Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear. Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love. I miss my Popi so so so so much. I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me. Having such a close friend die is unimaginable. The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child. And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this. I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here. I don't know. Some days I wake up and forget she is dead. I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends. It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.

On the weight front, things are in shambles. I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must. I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions. The result? I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW. I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry. It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices. He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes. I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says. My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs. This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way. I am positive that will help me slim down a bit. The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?

And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week. I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well. I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all. If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem. In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am. I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are). I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences. I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem? They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?). Merci beaucoup. Grazie mille. Muchas gracias.

Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house. Graduation. Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made. Packing and moving. Tearful goodbyes with Allan. Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move. Because I didn't have enough to do, right?

Back in town

In general, I had a really nice time in California visiting my friends. In all honesty, even though I had such a rough time when I lived there in 2009-2010, I did not want to leave. I forgot that I truly enjoy the pace of life there. My friend that was kind enough to host me went through a difficult breakup this fall. She also invited her friend from college to stay with us who is going through some very heavy personal stuff right now. Basically, we were a slumber-party-support-group.

The weather was on the chilly side, but so sunny. I ran every day and enjoyed the change in scenery, hitting up my old running paths and trying to let me soul rest for a bit.

I met up with several of my friends from work and graduate school, which was so great, overall, but also sad in the sense that I ended up talking about Pauline and Juan A LOT.

Ah, and speaking of which, Juan and I were in contact a bit and I was thinking he might drive down to see me. He told me he really wanted to come but that it was a bad idea. I know he's right. It has been more than a year since we really broke up. I sort of freaked out and cried a lot when I realized he was not going to come - mainly because I am really struggling with the notion of NEVER EVER seeing him again. And the fact that he either does not really think of it like that, or he does not care/is ok with it. I don't know.

One of the major highlights of the trip, however, was a great afternoon coffee date with my friend who hosted me, our friend from work, and our lovely Miranda! I told my friends I was going to meet a girl whose blog I read. I explained that it was basically like a diary where you get public commentary, but that the entire idea is that no one you know in real life reads it. They seemed perfectly satisfied with that. I did not tell them that I have a blog too. Anyway, Miranda was so, so, so lovely and friendly (and skinny!) and we had a lovely time drinking tea and getting to know one another a bit. Miss Miranda, I hope you had as good of a time as I did, and its good to know we're both nice, non-pyscho internet people in real life, right?

The only souvenir I brought back from San Diego was a few pounds around my middle. I did not have access to a scale while I was there, and we ate out for nearly every meal. I was pretty well behaved, honestly, sticking to salads and light fare, but I think the combination of more sodium than usual and not controlling the calories myself left me in bad shape. I will not give an exact number, but even after taking a laxative tea last night (traveling and changing time zones and eating wheat all messed with my tummy a bit, so it was for good reason) I was over 140. I was looking at an old photo of me from the summer of 2010 last night and I know I was about 8 pounds less then, I looked so much better. I am resolved to do what I have to do to lose weight right now. I have done it before, I know I can do it now. Especially since I start school and my internship this week - the stress and busy schedule will leave me not eating much. My clothes are not fitting right and I cannot take a photograph without feeling disgusting. Plus, I want to show people my tattoo, but my gross middle is prohibiting me from being more comfortable with that.

Oh, and I am on day 17 of my running streak - it happens to be snowing/raining today, but I am not going to stay in and waste the day.

I know I have been totally out of it as of late, so I have only been reading and not really leaving any comments. How is everyone doing?

Ruby, I want your address so I can send you a little something...

My final sunset in San Diego

Nouvelle Ans

I am trying to enjoy my last weeks of vacation time before school begins (for the last semester!) but I am still feeling very unsettled. 2013, you must be better than 2012. Truly, you must.

So what good things have happened so far this year? Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs. Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend. On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego. I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010. It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun. (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak. I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9. It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over. I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.

I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading. I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects. I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho. After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.

So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me. I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat. I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier. I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others. As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since. I am so hurt by that. I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily. I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly. I just miss him and want to know how he is. I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever. It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.

And then, as always, there is my horrific weight. This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok. I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back! I am hovering between 139-141 every morning. 140, yes you read that right. 140. Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental. Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea. That should help. I have to get this under control.

How is everyone? I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start. For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.

Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy. I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.

The saddest journey

So, I have returned from my short trip to France.

There really isn't very much to say, other than the trip was so incredibly sad in a way that I cannot describe with the words I know.

My heart is permanently broken. I have lost the two great loves of my life this year.

Hopefully with a little time, I'll feel more of a desire to write and let my feelings out here, but for now, I just... I can't...

Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, messages on Facebook, thoughts, and prayers. I know that some of you have had the unfortunate experience of losing someone very close to you and can relate to my intense sadness.

I forgot about the blog I tried to keep about all of the things I love about France. There are only a few posts, and most are totally irrelevant, but I wrote a lovely account of the summer I met her, here.

For those of you who might want to read what I wrote to my darling Popi, here is the letter I read and buried with her...

My Honey,

Do you remember that bright summer day seven years ago when we first met? I was incredibly nervous as we drove to the airport, and I cannot even imagine how you must have felt sitting on that plane about to embark on such a grand adventure with complete strangers. My mother always says that we sat in the back seat of our car and did not stop talking for a second the entire ride home. The funny thing is, that day is the perfect illustration for how quickly our unbreakable bond formed and why I will never have another friend like you.

Even though I have only had the privilege of seeing you every few years, whenever we are together, our sisterly bond reignites immediately, and I wonder how I was getting on, all that time, without you by my side. I have never known someone with whom I felt so instantly comfortable and secure. You are the only one I trust with my innermost dreams, knowing you will guard them and keep them safe. Pauline, you have brought so much joy into my life with your humor, kindness, and generosity. What will I do without you?

As your friend, I promise to hold on desperately to the many memories we have together, both significant and silly. The parties, Christmases, and birthdays, young love, so many shared delicious meals and glasses of wine, road trips, inside jokes, singing songs at the top of our lungs, trying to learn Spanish in the car, writing letters and sending packages, Skyping from every corner of the United States and Europe, and lots of laughter, tears, hugs, and kisses. Through all of it, I know that our hearts and souls are forever tied together – something that will not cease even though you have left us.

As your friend, I promise to continue to love and support your amazing family and friends, who have so graciously accepted me into their fold. I will make your parents and grandparents proud. I will treat Guillaume and Mathilde as my own brother and sister, and try my best to guide them and support them as they grow as young adults. I will reminisce with Benjamin about the wonderful times we shared with you. I will support Marmotte, Kevin, Nem, Anne-So, Ceclie and the rest of our friends as they grieve, and make sure we all honor your life by exemplifying your love of life and adventurous spirit.

I hope you know how truly loved you are, Pauline. You will be indescribably missed by every person whose life you managed to touch in your 24 years. While we will be filled with a deep sorrow for the rest of our days, I know that even now you would want us to look back on your life and smile.

I love you more than you can even comprehend, my sister from across the ocean, juste en face de New York,
Je t’aime toujours,
Sarah

Paris was as grey as I was, the other day

So much to say

Somehow managed to get kicked out of the wedding I was supposed to be in on July 27th.
Too much running around and driving and eating all weekend. I am totally fat and run-down.
I promise I will write something worthwhile with lot of details this week.
Thinking of you, Mich.
Much love to my faithful few... You know who you are.
And Dani, welcome back. You will beat this.

Broken Record

The energy to write has been totally escaping me as of late - in fact, the energy to do much else but school work (of which I am obligated) and sleep and eat has been about all there is.

I spent the weekend with my brother in Seattle. I had a truly lovely time, ate without worrying about being judges or having immense thoughts of self-loathing. My brother is also a vegan, and he treated me all weekend - sushi, lots of yummy soy lattes, lunch in a Rastafari cafe, dinner a fancy vegan bistro in Downtown Seattle, strudel in a sweet Scandanavian settlement town, and other tasty things. We wandered through a zoo, rode the ferry, traipsed all over Seattle and several quaint bay-side island towns and laughed a lot. I am pretty close with my younger brother and I miss him a lot now that he is across the country. It was a good weekend, but rather than returning refreshed and relaxed, I just feel awful now.

I was hoping Juan would make it to the airport on Friday during my layover. We talked on Friday morning, and classic Juan, he waited until Friday to realize he truly wanted to come and by the time it was "too late" for him to get off work. I know in my heart that if her really, really wanted to see me, he could have called in sick. Or better yet, he could have flown to Virginia sometime in the past six weeks to see me. I am completely delusional when it comes to holding out with a glimmer of hope.

But, as I may have mentioned, he is still holding my belongings hostage. Again, these are not things to which I attach any sentimental value, but I mailed him his stuff the week we broke up, and these things belong to ME. So, in a moment of desperation the other night, I sent one of his younger sisters, who I have never met, a message on Facebook, purely with the hope that she could influence him enough to get him to send the package. He has been ignoring about 80% of my attempts to contact him, so I was at a loss of what to do. I figured mentioning to his sister would be less embarrassing than having my dad call him. I finally got Juan on the phone yesterday afternoon to tell him that I had messaged his sister and he totally lost it. He was so angry - and next to nothing raises emotion at him, so I know he was truly upset with me. I guess he just thought it was totally out of line and does not want his family involved. Its strange because we were together for so long and I always felt he might be embarrassed of me, and that why I had only met him mom and never any of his siblings or dad. He initially just kept saying, "Are you kidding me?" and then hung up. I called him back, tearful as always, and told him that I had no idea what else to do, since it has been so long and he always ignores me. He said I needed to be patient. I told him that I did not recognize this person who just does what he wants without any accountability and no regard to my feelings, especially after having claimed to love me for so long. He just said he can do what he wants. I told him he would be alone if he lived his life like that, and he said that was fine. Absolutely unbelievable. I cried for a few minutes and ended up a few minutes late to work. I cried at my desk for a bit when my boss was away from her office.

Last night, I wallowed depressed as ever, ate ice cream and cried and wasted my whole night, not doing any schoolwork whatsoever.

Today has been similar, I slept in really late and have been completely unproductive. I have eaten WAY too much than is necessary even for a normal person, and given my sedentary day, it is completely inexcusable. Finally, I am not in the least bit hungry, I just feel empty and sad, so I am not eating anything for dinner and I think I am going to just stay locked away instead of going to the party my roommates are throwing upstairs.

The most incredible thing is that when I started this blog, so many months ago - back in 2010 - it was several months after Juan and I had broken up initially and I basically felt like I do now. I felt directionless and sad - the only thing I was sure of was going to work each day (for now I have replaced that we school and schoolwork and another job/possibly two). I have no idea where my life is going. I am not one of those wildly independent, strong people, who can live life companionless. I need someone by my side, in my corner, not to necessarily help me with every little thing, but to know that I have a strong foundation that will never shake. Instead, the man who said I was his everything and who wanted to marry me, gets to move on with his perfect life and leave me gasping for air. My chest literally hurts just to think of it. Even worse when I get overwhelmed and cry.

I am sorry to write such horribly depressing things. And I am sorry that I come across as ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life - a roof over my head, plenty of food to each (even on a "broke" grad student budget), a loving family (despite its flaws), a research assistant position, somewhat affordable education, another job, a car, and a handful of truly wonderful friends (including blogging friends)... I know I am not completely deprived.

I just feel like my heart will never ever recover from this, that I can never trust anyone with my heart - it makes me not want to ever try to find love, to have children, to be around people who are in love... I have no idea how to reconcile the fact that I know, as a person, I need a companion, but the thought of ever going through this again is enough to turn me off to everything. How does someone whose very livelihood depend on companionship prepare themselves for a life of being alone? And I know that everyone will say, you have to learn from this, there is someone, somewhere who will love you unconditionally and so strongly that none of this will matter in the end. Well, the fact is that I do not believe that for a second. Sure there are people who break up, get divorced, and find love again - but no one admits to the fact that there are also a ton of people who never find anyone else! That chance at love was the one, there is not going to be another. Then what?

Sorry for rambling on and on. Hopefully this awful feeling that keeps my appetite at bay will stick around long enough for me to lost some serious pounds in the next month or so. I am consistently between 130.something and 131.something every morning. I plan to start running again tomorrow or Monday, mainly because I know the endorphins help and being lazy disgusts me. I should have been down to 118 ages ago, its embarrassing.

Thank you for checking in on me, those of you who have. And just for kicks, I have a few pictures from the weekend...