Dealing with stress

The past few weeks have been full of stress, and old habits are starting to creep back.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not resulting to over-exercising.  I am quite out of shape at the moment, and combining that with being way too busy, I have only carved out a bit of time for a bit of biking and running and yoga.  Most nights I have simply been too tired when I arrive home to bother going to the gym.  Of course I then feel insanely guilty and my self-destructive thoughts are reinforced.

Work has been crazy for more than a month... which is ok.  I do like to be busy and I am working on great projects.  This week, I directed an emergency training exercise with evaluators from our state agency, hospitals, the Red Cross, and more than twenty-five staff members and volunteers.  For the most part, everything went off without a hitch and my boss and the state evaluators were thrilled with the exercise.  Its nice to see your planning and efforts some to fruition.  But, since I have several more pressing projects, I need to write myself a detailed schedule to prepare for the next six weeks before Benjamin arrives (more on that in a moment).

Personally, my life has been fine with the exception of missing my husband and trying to support a friend through a VERY difficult time.  It is hard to be strong and supportive for her when the situation is so challenging and depressing.  I am trying my absolute best to be there for her, but she has made a handful of bad choices in addition to being dealt a crappy hand at the game of life.  I hope that something starts looking up for her soon... in the meantime, it makes me viciously miss my husband... I just want to talk to him in bed before we fall asleep and have someone to give me a big hug when it all makes me so sad that I cry.  It makes me miss my family a lot too, since many of her problems stem from her toxic parents and how they have really messed up her ability to have normal relationships and be independent.  My parents and I do not always get along perfectly, but the situation makes me incredibly grateful to have loving, supportive parents.  It is hard to realize how lucky you are when a good family is your normal.

As a result... and maybe it is a good sign that I so quickly recognize that the stress + loneliness = weird eating patterns... old habits have been resurfacing.  Nothing major... skipping a breakfast here, enjoying a rumbling stomach there.  I haven't bothered to see if I have lost any weight - though I doubt it.  It would be nice, but I want to try and hang onto healthy, even if it still makes me super sad that I am too heavy and too many of my beautiful clothes don't fit.

Not really sure where I am going with all of this...

Benjamin arrives soon.  August 24th to be exact.  While it would be lovely to have jet-setted to France to being our new life, it makes much more economic and practical sense for us to begin here.  So for the time being, I will have to be satisfied with a trip or two to Europe every year and my beautiful, kind, French husband by my side here in the States.  We are obviously so fortunate, so I wouldn't dare complain.  At this point, we are simply so excited to be on the same continent, that it wouldn't matter if we were in France, America, or Siberia.

It is weird to be excited and stressed and sad and hopeful and hating my body all at once.  I suppose it is fortunate that the positive thoughts mostly beat out the negative ones, but I feel like I will never be able to let go of the desire to be thin.  I didn't know how good I had it when I was easily and consistently fifteen pounds smaller.  Even then, I was sure I was fat.  Now that I actually am, I lust after the past and have trepidations for the future.  What if the feeling goes away?  What if I am never comfortable in my own skin?  What if I am doomed to a life of trying to be thin and never achieving the goal?  It's a bit heavy (pun intended?) to think about.

I miss writing here and interacting with everyone.  I's my own fault for neglecting the space. How is everyone?

At this moment

I have been feeling so good and free and nonchalant. It has been such a long time since I exhibited any kind of disordered behaviors. I eat normal meals and even decadent treats without feeling guilty for the first time in ten years.

But then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel so insanely large and uncomfortable in my own skin. Undeserving of the beautiful love of my fiancé. Unworthy of this wedding celebration in two months. Who wants to look at a fat girl in a white dress? The whole idea of standing in front of even just my small handful of people and having them look at my gluttonous body makes me want to cry.

Why must these thoughts continue to haunt me? Rationally, I full well know that my worth as a person is not inversely proportions to my mass. So why is it so easy for my to convince myself it's true?

I am tired of wavering between satisfaction and disgust... with my clothes not fitting... with crying over a candid photograph.

And yet, I know this is essentially all in my head. My body is a clinically healthy size that is capable of great things, but I wish it could be capable of those things while taking up significantly less space. I continue to delude myself that shrinking will make my problems disappear... When  we all know that's not true. 

We all deserve health and happiness, even you... even me... but how do we get there?  Healthy minds and healthy bodies, indefinitely?

I must

I realized that it is almost one year since I have been at this horribly high (and I thought abnormal for me... but after a year, well, I don't know?) weight.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm getting married in May.  My dress looks sort of fine except that my arms are enormous - which no amount of weight lifting or push ups or Insanity is going to fix.

I must lose weight.

I must be back in the low 130s.

(Even that number is absurdly high... so what does that make my current weight?  Whale-size?)

I have no choice.

I must.

Just breathe

I really have become such a sporadic writer around here in the last year or so.

So...

The last month was a mix of ups and downs.  On the 6th of September, Benjamin arrived.  On the 7th, I crashed and burned at my marathon (really, it was an utter disaster).  Then we spent two blissful weeks going to a wedding, seeing movies, hanging out with his parents, hanging out with my parents, having important conversations, and drinking wine.  On the 20th, I drove him back to the airport and off to France he went.  I spent the next several days crying off and on.  I went to another wedding without my date, but still managed to have a great time (despite a minor crisis the morning of the event where I had nothing to wear, since I have gained weight and nothing fits).  I finally set up an appointment with a nutritionist and am going to see her on Wednesday (more on that in a bit) and ran twice this week.  I have also been riding my bike to work on occasion.  Oh, and to top it off, yesterday I was in a complete panic when I realized that I had finished my pack of birth control one week ago and still has not started my period.  I usually get it two days after the pack is finished.  I took a pregnancy test and it is negative.  I am just going to wait another week, if it does not appear I will visit the doctor for a consultation and possible blood test.

So here we are.

I am insanely nervous about meeting this nutritionist on Wednesday.  She had an eating disorder when she was younger and currently specializes in nutritional counseling for plant-based diets and those who have emotional issues/disordered eating patterns.  Her intake/history form was approximately six pages and it was difficult to be honest.  But, I know I need to be honest, because my body is out of control at the moment.  I cannot have another breakdown in my room when I realize that all of my beautiful clothes no longer fit or I get on the scale and see a horrific number that I swore I would never see in my life.  I am also trying to be reasonable and rational and approach this with help.  I know that if I do not have someone's help, I will end up fasting and restricting and being more miserable than I am at the moment.  I am a bit proud that I am trying to address this in a healthy way, for once.

For the rest of the weekend, since yesterday was just a whole bundle of stress, I am trying to relax a bit.  I cleaned and did some laundry, ran a few errands, and treated myself to a soy latte and new yarn.  I have been knitting up a storm lately.  I wish I could socialize with someone, anyone tonight... it would be better than being alone for the second evening in a row.  For the most part, being sad and stressed makes me want to be in another human's presence, not isolate myself.  Or at least, the isolation makes me feel worse, not better... I don't know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place, yesterday was just complicated.  Fortunately, Benjamin is amazing.  He was calm and reasonable, as always, and did not seem scared in the slightest.  He just said if I end up being pregnant, we will adapt and it will be great (not fine, but great).  Bless him.

Just trying to remind myself to breathe.

I saw my mother this morning and the last thing she said before I left my parents' house...

"Those shorts really do not look good from the back."

Thanks mom, I already knew I looked super fat.

"Would you rather not know?" she said.

I guess I would rather no one say it out loud, that's all.

Why did I do this to myself?

I have been too afraid to get on the scale for a few weeks now.  I know I have gained and I have a routine I like to go through before I weigh, which hasn't been possible if I need to do it before I go to work.

Well, I finally weighed today.

And yes, I gained.

And yes, it is the highest number I have seen since 2008.

I just want to cry.

How did I let this happen?  Why did I do this to myself?

Anyway, I have to run 16 miles this morning.  Hopefully that will help me feel a little better.

All over the place

My life is all over the place right now.  Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...

Let's go back to the half-marathon in June.  To be honest, it was a complete disaster!  I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces.  My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable.  No, I just had pain everywhere.  Everywhere.  By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail.  Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race.  So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there.  Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up.  By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running.  I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20.  My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.

Since the race my training has been going ok.  Not great, but I am making my way through the program.  I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area.  I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes.  Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7.  I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012.  I have lost speed on my regular easy runs.  I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work.  I guess time will tell.

At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible.  We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes.  Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine.  The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple.  We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.

Work has been going well.  My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed.  I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency.  It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens.  (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel.  While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community.  When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible.  When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis.  I find that encouraging!)

And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline.  I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high.  After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now.  Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love.  She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder.  I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car.  I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum.  I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained.  It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it).  I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it.  But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am?  I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.

Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful.  Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her.  And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding.  She was there with her new baby and husband.  And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse.  I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me.  I cried before I went to the party.  I am so embarrassed.

On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night.  I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault.  While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution?  Drown my feelings in food!  This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television.  Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food?  With my body?  Why???



So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.

A long overdo update

So my last post was a little alarming, I know.  I am sorry.  I mean, I know I am allowed to write whatever I please around here, but my last post was written in a moment of frustration and haste after seeing some friends last weekend.

I just could not believe how good some of my friends looked - and by good, I mean thin... I have amazing, lovely, beautiful (inside and out!) girlfriends from college, and I have always viewed them all that way, no matter what size they happen to be.  But after not seeing them for months and months, I just felt so large and inadequate.

I am going to see a gastroenterologist on Monday afternoon.  I have been having some sort of minor but persistent digestive distress since the end of March and I am finally going to see a specialist. I saw my normal doctor and his tests revealed nothing in particular, so he said if I still was not better, I should see a specialist.  Well, more than a month later I am finally getting around to it, since the symptoms are interfering with my marathon training.  I am hoping he is able to give me some answers and maybe even explain my unexplained weight gain.  I have not gained that much, but I find it odd that I spent three months in Europe eating whatever I wanted and gained about 2 pounds.  I come home and eat healthier and vegan and I am now was the tippy tippy top of my weight range.  I have gained 5-6 pounds more.  I am 20 pounds over my ideal weight (writing that makes me SO sad) and about 12 over my easy-to-maintain-I-feel-much-better-about-myself weight.  I just hope I get some answers.  My clothes are tight and I just don't feel good.  And I am no where close to underweight, so from a health perspective there is no reason that I should not lose weight.

Anyway, I am running a half marathon in the morning.  I am not sure how it is going to go - I have been marathon training for about a month, but this is a little early in my plan to run a half.  It just seemed like a fun race and would only be slightly longer than what I had planned for this weekend.  I know I will be able to finish the course, but I would be shocked if I run it in under 2 hours.

I am leaving for France in two weeks, which is exciting.  I have almost six whole days to spend with Benjamin and it will be lovely as usual, I suspect.  We are  on a little adventure to a surprise location when I arrive, and all I know is I need to bring my bathing suit... ughhhhh... I am excited to be in the sunshine and perhaps be laying on a beach (I don't really know, after all) but I am NOT excited about having to display that much of myself in public.  But, I need to just gather my wits about it - it's not worth ruining a perfectly good vacation over stupid body negativity.

I am hoping that the doctor ends up putting me on some kind of special regimen that a) my symptoms will stop/improve and b) I will lose some weight before my trip.  Regardless, I have two weeks to try and just lose even a few pounds to mentally make myself feel better, even if the physical change is imperceptible to most.

And what else is new?  I have been happily busy at work (I really do enjoy my job) and am trying to squeeze in marathon training (even 5:20am wake-up calls to run 9 miles before work!) and knitting.  I am making a lovely t shirt right now.  I hope to make some serious progress on it tonight/tomorrow so that maybe it will be finished before I leave.  Then I need to finish the sleeves on a striped cardigan that has been lingering in my knitting pile - the sweater is lovely but I just have not been able to find the motivation to finish the sleeves!  After that, I have two big projects to start, which I might to simultaneously - one is a sweater for Pauline's grandmother.  I knit myself a blue pullover last summer for wearing at the beach on cool days.  She really loved it and wanted something similar.  The yarn I had in my stash is not quite appropriate for the same pattern, but I am going to make this.  Then I need to start a lovely linen summer scarf for Benjamin's grandmother.  I was hoping to have it finished before my trip, but there is no way that will happen.

How is everyone?  I am horribly behind on my favorite blogs... especially Peri!  I'm sorry my dear!  And I think a few people haven't written in a while... Lulu and Miranda?  I hope everyone is well... Bella, I've been thinking of you and I sent off a little card the other day.  Ruby, you're just the best, thanks for never forgetting about me.  I will try to get caught up and maybe even make some comments tomorrow night.  Have a lovely weekend, all...

In my head

So the dress definitely fit a little better than the beginning of the month, but not nearly well enough to wear in public.

I'm not sure what to do.

My brain is so dissatisfied with my weight.  But I have been writing and griping about this for years. YEARS.  I have lost years of my life to these stupid body dysmorphic thoughts.  And for what?  Literally nothing.  My weight has fluctuated in the same ten pound range since 2009.

And now, for the most part I am content with my life and cannot be bothered to focus the energy I need on restricting and losing weight.  It used to come naturally, especially when I was feeling frazzled and distressed and lost.  But now (thankfully??) I am gainfully employed, in a blissful relationship, and have a much less stressful life, I have lost the need for this stupid coping mechanism and cannot manage to control my weight in a healthy manner.

I assume that I will encounter periods in my life when I will lean on my eating issues to cope with stress and difficult times.  I will not be surprised in the slightest.  But for now, I guess I should be grateful that I am generally feeling ok, even if I do think I am too fat.

In other news, I have been a bit ill in the tummy department.  I have had digestive distress for about a month so I finally went to the doctor and they are running tests.  I think everything will be fine, but it will be good to have it sorted out.  And would you believe that even after a month of that, I have yet to lose a pound?  It's a cruel world, I tell you.

Hmm, I also ran a 5k this morning in just over 25 minutes, so I was pleased with that.  And I am definitely running a marathon in September.

And Benjamin arrives this week - we are going to California/Oregon/Washington and I anticipate we will have a splendid time together.  I am so excited to just see his smile and breathe him in on Thursday.

Maybe I should think about closing this blog... I don't know... I love reading everyone else's blogs, but I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to contribute at this point...

Maybe I'm just feeling particularly weird today since it's the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance (and presumably her death)...

Stubborn

January is gone already.

My resolve for making changes has not waned, but the results have not appeared.

I finished one month of Insanity, started practicing yoga more regularly (1-2 times per week), and began marathon training.  And yet, despite the fact that I am getting strong, I am not getting thinner.  I have not lost a single pound.

I can't take it.

I am leaving on Tuesday night for France.  It's just for a long weekend.  Yes, it is extravagant, but people in love do such silly things.  I am dreading facing my boyfriend in such a state.  He is so beautiful and in such good shape.  He deserves an equally attractive partner.

The only way I will lose anything by then is skipping most meals and drowning myself in caffeine for a few days.  

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I think I can handle that for the rest of the week except for Saturday, when I must go on my long run (9 miles this week I think?)

I have been thinking about a lot of you lately.  Miranda of course, with her surgery.  Peri with her accident.  Lulu with her broken heart.  Ruby in treatment.  Bella who I just want to scoop up and hug. Isobel, who popped back onto the blog and then out again.  Piggy with her job troubles and upcoming trip to San Diego. Eloise, who left her blog ages ago but still keeps in contact via Facebook and tumblr.  Mich, well because she's Mich!  AnnaMaria with her difficult studies and plans for London.  Avy meandering the streets of my beloved Paris.  I think of you all, often.  Truly I do.

I need to get back to this blog more often.  It's the only way I will ever maintain some self control.

Time to wake up from the dream

So Benjamin left almost a week ago.  We had such an amazing time, it was like a dream, honestly.  It was so good just to spend time together, with my friends, with my family and continue to grow closer.

I don't like to compare my relationships and feelings because it is sort of unfair in that every relationship is incredibly different, but I think in the end it is inevitable.  When I think about the love I have for Benjamin, it is on such a different level from what I had with Juan.  It's so mutual and trusting and solid.  I know we are working equally as hard and are equally dedicated.  Not to mention, you can feel how genuine and honest he is - when he says he is in this, I know he means that.  I feel a calmness and strength when I am with him that is unique to any relationship I have had.  Even though being far apart is going to be hard, I am truthfully not worried.  We are just grown-up partners who want to work together to share dreams and make something better… what a concept right?  With Juan, even though I loved him so intensely, I was constantly working to keep him.  It should not be like that.  It feels so damn good to be able to trust Benjamin and know he is a worthy guy.  And lest you think I am rushing this, I have known him for a little more than eight years now.  He was always amazing to Pauline and he has lived up to his reputation with me as well.

At this point, I cannot complain too much about the way things are shaking out.  I started my job (FINALLY!) last week and get a real, adult paycheck on the 26th.  Things are a little slow at the moment since it is a government job and many people are taking vacation/comp time/personal days before the end of the year.  In January, I have a bunch of projects to get rolling and I am excited to put my skills to use in a field that I love.  Additionally, I was able to negotiate unpaid leave when I began, so I did not have to cancel my trip to France for next week.  Yes, I know we just saw each other, but his parents invited me for the holidays.  I arranged the trip in September and since I have not accrued vacation days, I will be missing a week of work without being paid.  Obviously the trip will be entirely worth it.  On the downside, after this trip, we will probably not see each other again until May or June… that is a looooooong time.

So other than that, clearly I have turned into a little knitting factory in preparation for Christmas (and no, Mich, I haven't forgotten about the half-finished tea cozy that I began for you ages ago… it's on the top of the "to knit" list for 2014) and am trying my best to minimize eating.  I still have not worked out how I will exercise with this new work schedule, since I leave at 8 and am home at 5… it is dark at 6:30 and dark when I return home.  It has also been bitterly cold (15F) and snowy as of late.  I know when I am in France I will go running nearly every day with Benjamin and in January I plan to re-start Insanity, which I can do before or after work.  While Benjamin was here, we ate in restaurants and drank wine with great frequency.  I was working very hard on Piggy's challenge and managed to finally get below 140 (3 lb loss!) just before he arrived.  I gained some of that back over the past two weeks but have been quite strict in the week since he left and have at least one more to lose again.  My fridge is stocked with salad and kale!  I am hoping to get to 138 by this coming Friday.  That will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.  Then, I will be in France and while we will celebrate a lot, we will also be very active and there may not be as many vegetarian options for me to choose from.  So, I am hoping that between adding exercise and daily walking, I should stay the same.  Then we all know it will be 2014 and everyone will be making resolutions.  I make the same ones every year, but I think finally since my life is stable for the first time in forever, I may be able to reach them.  I am going to run another marathon in the spring, so this winter is the perfect time for me to finally reach my goal weight, improve my fitness (I don't think I will ever, ever, reach my UGW of 118, but at this point I would be happy with 125-128), and finally be content.  I know I am not content now.  Everything on my body is too big and my clothes are too tight.  My Frenchman is used to lithe, wispy girls… and while he is insistent that he loves me just as I am (he regularly tells me that asses like mine don't exist in France, which is true, since French girls don't exercise!) I know I could be so much better (for him and for me).

How is everyone doing?  I am quite behind on reading and definitely behind on commenting, but I am trying to get caught up over this snowy weekend…

Please head over to give Ruby some love and support, she just came home from treatment and you can find the details in her latest post.




Oh, and one last thing.  When Benjamin and I were visit Washington DC, we were being silly one afternoon and I was sort of sprawled on top of him on the bed pretending to sleep… this led him to jokingly(?) call me a "beached whale"… Yeah, yeah, I know… I was playfully hurt and let it slide until we went to dinner the next night.  After a few glasses of wine I gently laid it out.  I explained to him that it's not something I really like to joke about.  Both of my parents are always overnight or obese, I beta my first diet at age 10, and there have been periods of time in my life where I was essentially very eating disordered (though never diagnosed).  I told him that he can joke about anything but that.  I told him that I have a blog where I write all of my feelings about this nonsense so that I can contain it somewhere.  And you know what?  He apologized AND he said I was so brave for telling him that.  That he would have had no idea and that he really appreciated me telling him.  So, I guess that's good?

One month to go

Less than a month has passed since my last post, but much has changed...

I have one month to go before I return to the United States, and I am determined to make it worth while.  Since I last wrote, I spent a weekend visiting friends in Munich and have returned to the beach (rough, I know).  I started Insanity at the beginning of July, which was been going ok so far.  This week is the "recovery week" and I am truly trying to rest. A lot of the jumping has been irritating my hips/hip flexors.  Additionally, we have had some lovely, breezy weather the past few mornings, so I have been running. The combination is a bit much for my joints today, so I am taking some I unscheduled rest. Maybe if I feel good tonight, I will do the recovery video, as it really is less intense.  I do not have a scale, but I am fairly certain that I am the same size as when I arrived... Meaning too heavy, obviously, but that is better than gaining.  I think I am somewhere right around 140 lbs, which is my upper limit.  My ultimate dream is to be 118, which seems forever from now.  But, for the next three weeks I am trying to be extra disciplined in preparation to go back to Munich.

Which brings me to my next bit of news...

So Munich. Around the 18th of July, I ventured to Munich to visit Pauline's boyfriend (obviously he is not her boyfriend anymore, but they were dating/living together when she disappeared/died). We all had a lovely (and kind of crazy!) weekend together and because I arrived the night before everyone else, and left the afternoon after everyone else, I had the chance to spend some time with Benjamin, just the two of us.  Well, after all of that, I guess if come as a great surprise to us both that it was incredibly difficult to part ways at the airport.  The entire weekend I thought he was flirting with me, but then I just chalked it up to me being a little crazy and him being suuuuuuuuper nice.  Au contraire... Since then we have been chatting and Skyping with great regularity and it is clear that he he very interested in me.   I honestly cannot say enough good things about him.  While the situation is unconventional, to say the least, I hope our friends will be ok with it.  Pauline and I had a lot in common, so many is not so surprising that we like each other? And on top of that, Benjamin and I have shared this horrible, unspeakable experience together.... It's a very difficult thing to explain to someone, and frankly unless you have experienced it or something similar, I believe it is impossible to understand. S even in the face of great tragedy, I suppose we have been brought together.

So where does that leave me? And Allan? And Benjamin?

Well, last week, I called Allan and broke up with him.  It was not my intention to end things over the phone while I was in Europe, but I also felt it unethical to perhaps get involved with someone else before tying up the loose ends with Allan.  To say that he was angry and upset is a major understatement.  I know we weren't together for long, but he felt very strongly about me.  I have never broken up with anyone, so I hope I managed to do it in a kind way.  Today, in fact, I am going to the post office to send him a small package... I knitted a sweater for his new little baby that should arrive any day ow, I bought her sweet little booties in Paris and a beautiful wallet for him in Italy.  In addition, I wrote him a letter to explain some things and one fully alleviate some pain.  I am so sorry to have hurt him, but I hope with some time he understands that this was inevitable and necessary.  Maybe if we met five years in the future, it would be different.  But the facts remain hat he is still married and having another baby, this week.

And in the meantime, Benjamin very very kindly bought me a plane ticket to go back to Munich on the 23 or August.  I will be there ith him for a week, we will head to a party at our friends in Amboise (south of Paris) and then to Paris for a few days before I go home.  It feels a bit dreamy in fact, and at the moment three weeks feels like an eternity.  I must say, it feel so good to be all full of butterflies.  I am nervous as all get out that after spending some more time ith me he will realize that A. I am not all that exciting/fun/cool/loveable and B. long distance relationships are a little crazy.  Obviously, I will have to wait and see. But for now, I have stumbled on some good fortune and I am trying to enjoy it.  He's a total catch... Smart, gorgeous, French, has a job and an apartment, nice family, so polite and maybe the kindest person I know.  And we have a lot in common... We will see...

So what else?

I am just trying to not feel guilty about spending another month sans employment (I search every day and am constantly applying).  I have a lot of down time to visit the beach and knit, which even though logically it makes me feel super guilty, I know that it is good for healing my soul and I have she rest of my life to work.  I am also trying to let go of food and weight hangups, which is sort of-not really working.  My head is still a mess, and there have been days where I refused to go to the beach be ause I did ot want to be seen in my bathing suit.  But then yesterday I ran in my sports bra and spent the afternoon in my bikini... But then this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and cannot help but compare myself to my impossibly tiny host mother/aunt/cousins girlfriend... It's a constant mental back-and-forth.  It hasn't really affected me eating, per se, which I guess is healthy.  I et three square meals but no snacks (the French don't reply do snacking), and mostly vegetables and fruit.  I am also eating bread and cheese, which I never do in the US, which is probably why I haven't lost anything.  In preparation for Munich, I am going to exercise as much as I can... Insanity, running, swimming, and stick to salad and tea.  I think I can do it.  And even if I don't really lose weight I know it will make me feel better.  Pauline was insanely petite, so I cannot help but compare myself to her too.

I have been reading everyone's blogs (though not watching vlogs because of my spotty Internet connection) but without Google reader I am finding it more difficult to comment... From my tablet, it irks, but from my phone (which is what I mostly use to read), I can't figure it out.  I have been keeping up, though! Please don't feel ignored, friends.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summers... August always goes by in a flash for me, whether I am on vacation or working or anticipating a new school year... So no matter what you re doing, I hope you can pause and enjoy life for a little.  As for those of you in wintertime down south, I'm not sur that all applies... Just have a cuppa, ok?

Much love.

The beach and feeling like a whale

I spent a lovely week at the beach when I returned from Rome/Naples/Pompeii/Capri.  My family here has a home on a little island off of the Atlantic coast.  It is really nice, but modest - the location of the property is its best asset, as it is literally a 5 minute walk to a peaceful beach on the bay side.  It isn't unusually too crowded and you can spend hours there relaxing.

While I was there, I was feeling beyond self conscious about being in a bathing suit, but I managed to deal with it.  Now, I started Insanity, and I've been eating more carbs and fat than I ever do in the states.  The combination is not working... I've gained about three pounds since I arrived, but I thought I would be losing!  I only eat at regular meal times, hardly a snack. In Rome I was doing ok, since I was walking constantly... But now, I'm just not active enough to justify what I eat.

Today, I ate a modest breakfast and am just going to have an espresso for lunch. I know that isn't the best option, but I think my brain needs a little break from food today. It's not restriction, it's just that I need a breather.  Does that make sense?  I just want to live on veggies and smoothies, but it's not really possible.

When I get back in September, I'm determined to start insanity again.  I've made it through two weeks already and it's great.  I know I would see much better results if I was controlling my eating and being more disciplined.

What else?  Well, things with Allan are about to implode.  I imagine a month from now we will barely be talking.... His (unofficially ex) wife is having his baby in August.  I think that's just a little too much for me to handle.  If he was already divorced, it would be different.  But the fact is, he's not, and won't be for a long time.  I don't think he totally understands that love just isn't enough to keep us together.  I know he truly loves me. I believe him when he says it.  But I can't go all-in with him, I just feel like there are a million things in the way.  Anyway, I'm trying to just remain supportive and be there for him right now.  We can reassess when I come home, but I don't have a good feeling about it.

I've been trying to catch up on everyone's blogs, but feedly had a major bug when google reader shut down.  Everything is working again, but I'm wayyyyyyyy behind on Peri's blogs and Lulu's videos.

Today I am returning to Paris and then visiting Pauline's boyfriend in Munich.  He is working there for the summer.  Her sister and sisters's boyfriend, and two of our other friends are all joining us.  Should be a good, easy weekend.  I still have more than 6 weeks before I have to start my real life, and I'm trying to just let my brain rest and my soul heal.  I've been having lots of good talks with Popi's mom and grandmother.  It helps.  And I've been applying for many, many jobs.  I had an interview this week and will hopefully hear soon.

Time for a deep breath and a few cups of tea.  I can't help but think, every time I look in the mirror, that I am so huge.  I know I'm not morbidly obese, but I hate hate hate that feeling of being at the high end of my normal fluctuation.  I always want to be below my lowest.  Especially here, where so many people are thin.  Even my French grammie told me yesterday not to eat so much.  And on top of that, it's summer and very hot here... You can't wear pants and sweaters.

Sigh.  Trying not to be ungrateful and get out of my own head.