:'(

I know everyone said I didn't have to apologize, but I was 134.8 this morning.  Four FIVE pounds gained in one week.  I'm so sorry. Again.

My Sunday goal is impossible now.

Can someone send me some discipline and a stomach flu for Christmas please?

I looked in the mirror this morning and look so horrifically puffy and huge.

A quick little note

Luckily, I did not gain over the Thanksgiving holiday home.  I am somewhere between 133-134.  131.8 after my 6.2 mile run this morning.  Ran 7 on Thanksgiving morning with me friend.  I have been diligently reading, but as the semester comes to an end, I have a ton of schoolwork and tests to wrap up.  Just three more weeks and I'll be finished up, with plenty of time for running, crafting, and blogging.

I hope all is well with my lovely ladies.  Please don't be discouraged.  You are beautiful.  I've been seeing so much depression and despair around here and tumblr, and it makes me scared that one of you (most of you are like my little sisters, since I'm one of the oldest around here, and I truly care and worry) will do something horribly regretful.

Finally losing

I've kicked up my mileage over the past few weeks and I am trying to eat less.  I know it is not rocket science, but sometimes the equation of burning more calories that you consume becomes incredibly difficult to execute.

I was 133.2 after my run this morning and hovered between 134.8 and 135.0 beforehand.

I took a rest day on Sunday, instead of a 4.5 mile recovery run - I still ended the week at 31.5 miles.  I just had too much work to do and had an argument with Juan on Saturday that turned my whole day upside down with a raging headache.

I'm planning similar mileage this week, 4.5 yesterday, 6.2 this morning, etc.  The good thing about long runs is that I'm typically not ravenous when I come back.  On Saturday, after 10 miles I wasn't even hungry at all.  Obviously, I had something to eat because a run like that burns more than 1,000 calories and I should not completely punish my body.

I was planning on fasting today in preparation to meet my friend for drinks tonight, but I cracked when I came home and had three cookies that I baked last night (I have another friend coming over to stay the night, so I baked cookies for her yesterday) and a normal, light breakfast of soy yogurt and mango.  I already had 20 oz of water and a cup of tea but I still feel guilty.  I should have just had a little yogurt.  I want to look thin and have room to treat myself to a cocktail tonight.  I hardly ever waste calories on alcohol, but I am happy to meet my friend after class.  He is one of my first friends from college, is doing his PhD in neuroscience and is at a conference in DC for a few days.  There's no way I would commit to dinner with him, I cannot handle the calories, but a drink, I should not feel too guilty about that.

So, for the rest of the day I think I will stick to tea and coffee, especially since I am going to have alcohol tonight and my friend will be here all day tomorrow, which means eating a normal breakfast and lunch.

Thank you so much for commenting on my last few posts, I promise to share some love today.

I am getting closer to 130.  By the new year, I will be under, and I will be halfway to my ultimate goal.

Oh, and everyone needs to go give Adeline some big warm "welcome back" wishes!!!

A refrigerator with a view

In hope everyone enjoyed their extra hours of sleep as much as I did.  Feeling well-rested at 7:30 was a great way to start my day.  I got out of bed, had a glass of water, checked my email and such and decided to set out for a long run.  9.3 miles later I was feeling a little tired but still pretty awesome and accomplished.  I kept around a 9 minute-mile pace and felt energized, not sluggish.  The scale read 134.4 afterward.  I want it to read that BEFORE I run by the end of the coming week.  That will put me just shy of my 130 by Thanksgiving goal.  I needed a good run like that today after the past week.

Running-wise the past week was fine, nothing exceptional - rest day Monday, 8 miles Tuesday, 4 miles Wednesday, rest day Thursday, and 6.5 on Friday.  Saturday, I slacked because I went to help my friend at a regatta and we went out to lunch afterward - I overindulged and ended up in a food coma last night.  Thus, this morning was to make up for it.  Nearly 28 miles this week - not too shabby.

Ironically, after my last post on my food philosophy, which has proved to be relatively popular, I spent the week eating leftover Halloween candy.  Why?  I have no freaking clue.  I had one piece today but I feel way more in control.  I think today is exactly what I needed to break the cycle.  Back to nutritious food in limited quantities.

I went to Trader Joe's and Whole Foods today to stock up on fruits, veggies, and some pantry staples.  The only "treats" I got were reduced-fat tortilla chips and carob chips.  The tortilla chips go with the fresh salsa and eggplant spread I purchased and I usually have carob chips sprinkled on my yogurt. Oh, and I bought vegan cheese, which I hardly ever buy, just to sprinkle on my veggies and tomato sauce.  I use it sparingly, and don't ever feel out of control with that.

How about a little fridge/cabinet review?  I doubt anyone really cares what I keep in my fridge, but it is my blog and I can share what I like, no?

Hello fridge!  I'll get to the top shelf in a bit. On the middle shelf you will find celery, tomato sauce, homemade apple-pear butter, coconut curry sauce (in the old Skippy jar), spinach, romaine, some kind of weird squash, a bit of broccoli slaw, and liqueurs for special occasions. On the bottom shelf is cat food and unsweetened soy yogurt (the cardboard - I order it by the case since my store does not stock it).  In the drawers are one lonely coconut water, lemons and baby carrots.  In the little drawer are mushrooms, nutritional yeast, and vegan cheese.

Mmmm kale!  I love kale, it's so good for you too and low in calories.  I also have spicy hummus, fresh salsa, light non-dairy butter, limes, fennel, tapioca gluten-free bread, a cucumber, soy yogurt, and in the blue-topped container is chopped jicama with hot sauce and lime.  Jicama is a great low-calorie snack, and with lime and spices it really hits the spot!

There are some random things here... a very old bottle of wine, light soy milk, soy creamer, probiotics, garlic and tahini, a stick of earth balance for baking, dates, applesauce, and on the bottom are random condiments like mustard and jam and my Brita.

Cabinet one: Lentils, applesauce, canned tomatoes and mandarin oranges, polenta, jam, ketchup, low-sodium tomato soup, almond butter, two clif bars and some other things.

Cabinet two: instant low-sodium miso coup, dried mango, steel cut oats, golden raisins, carob chips, snap pea crisps for on salad, sunflower seeds, low-fat tortilla chips, rice cakes, and seaweed snacks.

So, that might be a little random and unnecessary, but I hope you enjoyed your little view into my vegan, low-calorie kitchen!  It should take me more than two weeks to eat all of that - which doesn't seem like very long when I think about it.  The produce goes first and then I eat the other things, usually.  I have either soy yogurt with frozen mango or 1/2 serving steel cut oats with raisins and if I'm feeling brave, a sprinkling of nuts, for breakfast every day.  Lunch is usually something slightly heartier - veggies with a carb like polenta or tortilla chips and dinner is either straight up cooked veggies or a salad.  Snacks are almost always coffee or fruit.

Enjoy what is left of your weekend.  I have a pile of schoolwork and writing to do, so I need to reply to some comments and get to it...

A little food philosophy

I had a weird day yesterday.  Woke up with a headache and just felt yucky, so I decided to take a rest day and bake instead.  Even though I had class in the afternoon, I was practically a zombie all day and just could not get in the groove to do any schoolwork.

I was something like 134.2 when I woke up.  This morning, I was a bit heavier, since I had wheat yesterday (bad decision, of course).  I was 134.6 after my run, meaning probably 135.6.  I obviously do not want to gain, but I'm happy to not be above 136.  I am shooting for 129 by Thanksgiving.  Not only have I kept up with my running regimen (8 miles Saturday, 4.5 Sunday, 6.5 today) but I am basically broke (oh the life of a graduate student!) and I just cannot afford to go to the grocery store until pay day.  Luckily, Trader Joe's has relatively cheap produce - as does the Asian market near my house.  I have to restock my fridge with produce and that is really about it.  Practically all I eat is fresh or frozen vegetables and fruit.  I have been working very hard on limiting how often I have nuts, they are just simply too high in calories.

For example, last night, I had chickpeas with tomato sauce over spinach and kale.  I also had a piece of the brownies I made yesterday morning, which is not worth it.  I used to tell the kids that I coached that think of food as fuel, and as your body as a Porsche.  "Premium fuel in the tank" was my tagline.  Basically, while I know I have to eat at least something to sustain my athletic activity (which I love - and I will not give up running for anything) and basic brain function, even while trying to lose every last bit of fat on my body, when I eat, it should only be food that serves a nourishing purpose.  Chocolate, beer, sweets, bread, etc. is not nourishing me.  Vegetables, legumes, fruit, nuts, tofu, rice, quinoa, seaweed, etc. are nourishing, low calories, highly nutrient-dense foods.  The worst thing I put in my body on a regular basis is coffee - which I have about every other day, with soy milk.  Otherwise, I drink water, tea, and the occasional coconut water or juice.  I do enjoy having these foods, even sometimes having large quantities, because I know my body is using every last bit in a good way.  My greatest, yet rare, indulgence is a glass of wine or a cocktail.  I think the last time I even had a glass was when Juan visited, in September.

I am really starting to ramble on now.  Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that my struggles with food/exercise/my body are different from those of an anorexic or bulimic, though I admit thinking about what goes into my body and my physical activity takes up a good 50-60% of my thoughts.  I try to limit my intake in terms of calories and to only the healthiest foods so I do not have to feel guilty and make up for it with extra exercise.  I would rather just run several miles every morning to get fresh air and the rush of endorphins.  Yet, I look in the mirror every day and cannot believe how I look bigger every day, never smaller.  I must hover somewhere between BDD/Orthorexia/EDNOS.  Who knows.  I am certainly not too thin (135 pounds at 5'7.5" is no where near too thin.  I want to be 120, the lowest healthy BMI for my height), though I would love to be just on the edge and have people telling me that I am.  I want to be lean so that I can run faster - so even if I am small, I have to retain my muscles.  You can be delicate looking and strong.

Again, enough with my rambling.

Have a lovely day everyone and welcome to my newest subscribers!

Not so lazy Saturday

Yesterday was an odd day - I was just in such a weird mood.  I think most of that was due to the fact that I was supposed to go running with my friends at 3:30 and I normally run in the morning.  So, since I was waiting, I just felt yucky.  I was 133.8 when I woke up, which is good.  My mood just tanked in the afternoon, so I bailed on my friend and walked to the library instead, which is a 4.5 mile round-trip walk.  I ate well during the day, maybe a bit too much but very healthily.  Then, I got home and my roommates had people over.

Instead of just being satisfied with a diet soda (thank goodness I had enough sense to not waste me calories on alcohol) I had chips and guacamole - my roommate made it just for me, since she knows I am vegan and trying gluten-free. Then, someone made some sort of fried green bean thing.  I had a bunch and there is no way they are any healthier than a french fry.  I felt disgusting when I went to bed. I chugged two glasses of water in hopes that it would help balance out the awful amount of food and sodium I had consumed.

This morning, I was 136.2 when I first woke up.  I deserved it and my eyes teared up when I saw it on the scale.  Instead of losing all hope, I drank a little water and ran 8 miles.  I was 133.8 upon my return.

Food today has consisted of a relatively hearty breakfast - 3T steel cut oats, 1T dried cranberries, a handful of hazelnuts, and a chopped up asian pear with a glass of soy milk.  I had a few snap pea crisps and then a late lunch, just now - broccoli slaw, tofu, kale, 1/2 an avocado in an orange marmalade/tamari/rice vinegar sauce.  Nothing too fancy, I have to cook in my microwave.  Basically, all veggies for lunch, which is good.  I may have a mango ice pop for a snack later and if I feel hungry, a simple salad for dinner.  I'm trying to be normal and not count up all of the calories.  I know I burned somewhere just shy of 900 calories on my run, so I am going to do my best to just hydrate and not stress too much about my eating.

It is amazing how sometimes we have really good days, and sometimes really bad ones.  I am glad today is one of the better days I've had in a while.

I think I am going to spend the rest of my afternoon drinking tea and knitting.  It's chilly and overcast and I honestly do not feel like going anywhere.  Perhaps if my boyfriend was here I would want to go walk around town or catch a movie... but he is not :(

I hope everyone is already enjoying their weekends.  Thank you all for your support, as always.

xoxoxo

Another good morning

Woke up this morning around 7:30, took an online quiz for my epidemiology course, put on my new Lululemon shorts (via ebay at a decent discount) and hit the pavement for a nice six miles.  The wind was really strong but the sun was shining, the sky blue, and the temperature perfect.  I hopped on the scale after my run to see 133.6.  Granted, that's my dehydrated weight, so I probably am really sitting at about 134.6-8.  Regardless, I am thrilled.  Even though it's still too high, I'm ready to see that number keep falling.

For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer.  Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much.  Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water.  I'm feeling good about today.  Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much?  I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring.  I have no idea why that makes any sense.

Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair!  It is just a fun change.  I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.

I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night.  I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate.  I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics.  I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache.  I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.

I hope everyone is having a good week.  Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight.  Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial).  Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm.  I really think it will not be too hard.  I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material.  I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.

Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight.  He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine.  He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January.  Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.

Alright, I am rambling.  I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year.  I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too.  Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.

Have a lovely day.  Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!

Good day

I magically lost two pounds this weekend.  I weighed 134.8 after my run.  I am ecstatic.  I'll be even more pleased when I finally get down under 130.

Oh, and I dyed my hair... if you recall, this year I went from this...

to this...

and now this!

Don't worry, it's semi-permanent - it should mostly wash out in a few weeks.  My Nana said I look Irish :)

10.2 miles before 10am

134.6 after my run this morning.  Mind you, my run was 10.2ish miles so I sweat a lot.  I wore my new compression sleeves.

I definitely noticed that my legs felt less fatigued, but my ankles were still really painful by the end from pounding on the sidewalk.  According to my heart monitor, I burned around 1300 calories, which is awesome.  Due to my detox, I will certainly have a calorie deficit today.  During my run, I had coconut water (100cal), then had soy yogurt, six almonds, and a drizzle of honey for breakfast.  It is lunchtime now, and I had some snap peas and veggie/fruit juice, but I am not very hungry.

For the rest of the day, I need to drink a lot of water and rest - which is fine, since I do not have class and only have a meeting with the professor for whom i am doing my research assistantship.  I will walk to campus, but that should help with active recovery.

If I do really well today, I know I'll be about 135-136 tomorrow.  I want that so badly.  On my way home, I will stop at the grocery store for some lettuce and lemons so I can make another awesome salad like the past two nights.  Lemon juice is such good salad dressing, honestly.  It is so flavorful that I really do not miss the oil.  And, I find that if I stack my calories in the beginning of the day - small but nutritious breakfast, something hot and filling for lunch (like vegetable soup, or something with a whole grain - though not now, since I am trying to eat extra low calories), and a salad - even if it is quite large - for dinner makes me feel great, and most importantly, not guilty!

Anyway, the next few days I have to do a ton of schoolwork and research and clean my apartment (including laundry), and the first floor of our house from top-to-bottom. I'm going to leave some comments now and I hope you all have a great Wednesday!

Don't forget to drink green tea and eat your veggies

Frustrated

I was doing SO well the last few days - skipping breakfast, sticking to raw fruits and vegetables with the occasional slice of gluten-free bread and soy yogurt here and there.  Yesterday morning, I ran 7 miles before I even truly began my day, skipped breakfast again in lieu of iced coffee and had a light salad for lunch.  After my run I was 134.0 even - the lowest I have been in ages (and don't even get me started on how gross it is that last August/September I was down to 132 and still dropping).

Then, I went to my friend's birthday gathering - chips, guacamole, salads - too much salt - then someone persuaded me to have a bite (that turned into four) of ICE CREAM CAKE (I am a VEGAN FOR GOODNESS SAKE!) from this wonderful creamery called Cliff's that is a North-Jersey institution.  I had sangria.  This morning, I got my just desserts and weight 138.  138!!!  I gained four whole pounds of water/food/disgusting fat OVERNIGHT.

FML

Today, I skipped breakfast again.  For lunch I had gluten-free flatbread I made the other day, a salad of corn, tomato, cucumber, herbs, and a light vinaigrette - and because I have no self-control, two spoonfuls of left-over frosting from the cupcakes I baked the other day (which, at the time, I had NONE - unheard of for me, I always taste-test, but I rocked it and gave everything to my friend's mom to sell at the farmer's market).  I think that starting now, I need to just fast  - a good clean, water, tea, juice fast to clear my body and my brain.  I was feeling so good at 134.  My dress that I want to wear next Sunday was fitting much better, even after just a few pounds and I finally had a lick of confidence about my weight (which is crazy, considering I should have been to my 118-120 goal AGES AGO).

I have the numbers counting down from 132 to 124 written in dry-erase marker on my mirror - I have not even been at 132 in months.  I need to stop kidding myself and start denying myself food.  I want to be a healthy, athletic, organic, vegan, encouraging and positive person who people think eat healthily and smartly without being crazy - but let's be honest - I just have the sort of constitution that doesn't allow me even little luxuries.  If I do not cut out major groups of food - like carbohydrates and fatty nuts, I gain.

So now, I just need to do a better job.  The only carbohydrate I will allow myself will be quinoa, on occasion, like the night before my long training runs (I am beginning week five of my half-marathon training plan).  Nuts are out, not even my beloved almond and peanut butters.  Salad dressings will be made without oil. Fruits, vegetables, and the only truly caloric thing will be soy yogurt.  Otherwise, I need to just fuel my body with fruits and veggies.  I can still run and train on caffeine and plants.  I will never lose weight otherwise.

Thank you for all of the positive comments regarding my new school plans.  I am not exactly sure how the next month is going to sort out, but at least I have something to look forward to.

Has anyone heard from our beloved Adeline lately?

Let's send some prayers Lita's way so she will be signed this week.  We all know from her photos, persistent nature, and disciplined regimen that she will be a lovely model.

And some prayers for Zette so her foot and ankle heal quickly and she can run again.

Mich, I picked up knitting as a way to relieve stress - have you ever tried it?

Please give your support and love to Dani.

And Peri.

Isobel, I just read you're going to PARIS!  My favorite city.  You are going to have a fabulous time and with your latest weigh-in I am certain you are looking fabulous and elegant as ever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry I am all over the place and terribly disappointing.  I am trying to do better and be thinner.

Too heavy but feeling ok

I woke up a 5:45 this morning to see the sunshine pouring in my window and hear the birds singing.  I quickly decided I should just put on my clothes and go for a run before my salon appointment and simply get my day started right.  5.2 miles and 45ish minutes later, I returned home, took a quick shower, guzzled a glass of water and had a handful of grapes.  The scale miraculously reported 134.8 (which would probably be a bit lower, since I usually weigh around 9-10am before having breakfast and after a bathroom trip or two).  Of course, I am not under 130 as I wished to be before Thursday.  There is no hope for that now, but I am feeling ok about it.  Mostly, I think the incredibly kind and encouraging words that you all have left for me in the past two weeks or so has put my anxieties at ease, at least temporarily.

Breakfast was three (two normal and the tiny heel of the loaf) slices of gluten free toast with a scraping of peanut butter and some strawberry jam that I made last week which is all being washed down with copious amounts of iced black coffee.  I can already feel the caffeine kicking in, and combined with the endorphins from running, I feel pretty damn good this morning.

Today, I must continue to job hunt and send out resumes and cover letters as well as pack for my California voyage that begins Thursday afternoon.  I am so insanely excited to see Juan - the last time we were together was April.  And I must say a big thank you for all of the well wishes and excitement that you have expressed!  What lovely, sweet ladies (and gents??) frequent my blog and leave comments.  I do not know what I do without you all - especially the most loyal Dani, Adeline, Cinnamon, Peri, Mich, Tai, Isobel, and Eloise (not that I don't appreciate everyone else too!!!).  I promise I will take a few photos of some sort on Wednesday before I leave, and plenty while I am gone!

Have a lovely Monday!

Apologies, again, for erratic posting

Luckily, as fate would have it, my weight has started to go back down after being stubbornly stuck and an obnoxiously high number.  I was 134 after my workout - obviously, as all of you know, my goal is under 130 (pre-workout) by the 30th.  That really means losing between 5-7 pounds.  I think I can do it.

I have been exercising quite a bit - this morning 2.65 miles and my bursting class (735 calories gone) - and trying to suck down iced coffee like its my job to suppress my appetite.  (Sidenote: I ran to the end of my road - 1.1 miles - in 8:48 yesterday - hell yes!)  I did not do a great job eating so far today (lasted on nothing until 12pm, then soy yogurt with cherries and pecans, mini rice cakes, a spoonful of peanut butter, fresh pineapple, popcorn made with oil - my mom said she wanted some, and my air-popper does not make enough for two, so I decided to make it in the big pot.  Long story short, she did not want any, so I made it with oil for no reason and shared with the dogs, but still waaaaaaaay too much - and then two spoonfuls left-over frosting.  Green tea and iced coffee for the rest of the night, most definitely.  I am so glad I worked out this morning.

Random act of awesomeness today - I went to Dunkin Donuts to order my medium coconut iced coffee, black, light on the ice (my summer pleasure) after driving one of my students to the bus station.  Anyway, I get inside and there is a hand-written sign that says the credit card machine is broken.  As usual, I did not have any cash on me.  I just said, "Oh that's too bad, I really wanted coffee and I drove all the way down here."  The guys just looked at me and I went to leave.  The woman behind me pipes up and says, "What did you want?  I'll buy your coffee for you, just a random act of kindness." I insisted no, but she offered again and so some super nice stranger paid for me $2.39 coffee :)  I need to do something random and good and put some great vibes into the world.  Being a Christian, I do not really believe in karma, but I certainly believe that putting kindness and love into the world is the best way to go about things.

I am trying very hard to get ready for my visit to see Juan's family.  I really need to crack down on my diet.  June is a new month and the perfect time to reduce my intake.  The easiest way for me is to skip breakfast, which is not good for your metabolism.  Honestly, I'm not sure if it makes a difference because I work out when I wake up.  My metabolism must be boosted by a 5 mile run or my bursting class, so maybe it does not matter anyway???  Who knows?  I think I am going to stick with skipping breakfast and just waiting until I get home, around noon, to eat or drink anything.

Please keep bugging me and help me resist food and exercise more.  I have to be smaller soon.  I just have to be.

Also, if you do not follow Dani, please give her a few sentiments of support.  She's going through a rough patch and needs all the love we can muster.

Lots of love, as always...

endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com

So where have I been?

Honestly, I don't know.  I have been running and taking my class at the gym.  Bouncing between liquid fasting and just eating too much.  Feeling uninspired to write a long entry here.  Busy with work and searching for a new job.

My weight this morning, post work-out, 134.8.  What am I doing???  I should be 124.8 by now for goodness sake.

Anyway, this morning I did 2.25 miles on the treadmill and one class.  It was too humid and sticky to survive another, but I burned 650ish calories in the process.  I came home and made an awesome smoothie (banana, strawberry, soy milk, almond butter, flax, kale, super-green food powder, and sf chocolate syrup) - I am not sure of the calorie content, but I know it will keep me full for most of the day (eliminating the need for a real lunch).  I'll snack on rice cakes and Crystal Light later and stick to tea and a salad for dinner.

All in all, I really need to up my game.  I need to eat less and train harder or I am never going to be comfortably under 120, which is my ultimate goal.  I want to wear light, pretty clothes this summer and look as good as I can when I go to meet Juan's family next month.  This week I must remain incredibly and intensely focused on keeping my calories lower.  Below 1,000 every day.  I took a rest day Sunday and yesterday (Sunday I was at my kids' race all day walking around and helping with boats and such, but it was a super long day and I was exhausted even on Monday).  I need to run tomorrow and Thursday, as well as take my class at the gym.  On Friday and Saturday I will be in Philadelphia for my kids' last race, the Stotesbury Cup, and I probably won't get much exercise in besides walking.  Therefore, I need to pack fruit, veggies, nuts, and rice cakes to keep me on the healthy track for those two days.  If we go out to eat, salads only.  Hopefully I will be able to update and read Tumblr from my phone and at least keep my focus.  By the way, this is the bathing suit I bought.  I love it, but it looks horrific on me...

http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/

Sorry for being lost for a while

So it's been a while... two weeks-ish... since I have had the time to sit down and write a proper post.  I am terribly apologetic for my absence (in the even that any of you were actually disappointed that I have not been posting).  Where to begin?

Juan left last Sunday, heading home to California mid-morning.  We had a lovely long weekend together, going to the movies, out to dinner, having a grand fiesta at my house, and out to my friend's engagement soiree.

In other news, I know I shared that I was accepted to the MPH program at Columbia.  Unfortunately, it is looking less and less likely that I will be able to attend because the cost is absurdly expensive (i.e. I would have to borrow $60,000 for the two years).  So, I am trying to find out if it there is any financial aid/scholarship or if I might be able to defer.  In the meantime, I am searching for a more legitimate job, something in public health.  In a twist of fate, I am interviewing for a coaching position at the private school in my town, and am hoping they can take me on for the spring/summer and pay me a bit more than my current job at the animal hospital.  Basically, I have been baking on going to graduate school this fall for the past nine-or-so months and now that plan is totally going to pot.  Thinking about the money and not moving forward in life generally gets me quite upset.

And most importantly, in weight news.  UGH.  I have had no less than three people in the past two weeks ask me if I have lost weight/warned me not to lose/told me I looked really toned.  However, I hopped on the scale this morning and my weight was an absolutely horrifically disgusting 134.2 pounds. 134?!?!?!  I haven't been that fat since September.  I don't understand how people think I look decent.  I think I look fat - particularly my arms - in the pictures from my friend Kathryn's party.  I need to really crack down this month.  My two main goals for this month are to not spend ANY unnecessary money (no ebay, no shopping, no going out to lunch, etc.) and no chocolate or sweets for the entire month.  Winter is hard around here, since the produce isn't quite as good.  Luckily, spring is coming and I will be eating more salads and less calories.  As of March 3rd, when I made this pact, I have had only one tiny sliver of cake that I baked for a going-away party, and two homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Those cookies, which I ate out of depression this morning (hey grumpy mood/134.2 on the scale/pouring rain!) I absolutely swear that I am going cold-turkey in order to break this cycle.  I need to focus on getting under 130 again (I disgust myself to think I was easily 128 before Christmas).  On a better note, I have been exercising very steadily.  I run all the time - ran my fastest 5k at the gym last week... 23:48! - and have continued with my circuit/weight training classes.  I know I am putting on muscle mass (i.e. weight), but I want my abs to show this summer.  The only way that is going to happen is if I am under 120 pounds.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening to my ramblings.  I promise I will get back on the posting/commenting train this week.

Oh, and thank you to Cinnamon - she mailed me a package sometime last week!  I cannot wait for it to arrive!