Apologies, again, for erratic posting

Luckily, as fate would have it, my weight has started to go back down after being stubbornly stuck and an obnoxiously high number.  I was 134 after my workout - obviously, as all of you know, my goal is under 130 (pre-workout) by the 30th.  That really means losing between 5-7 pounds.  I think I can do it.

I have been exercising quite a bit - this morning 2.65 miles and my bursting class (735 calories gone) - and trying to suck down iced coffee like its my job to suppress my appetite.  (Sidenote: I ran to the end of my road - 1.1 miles - in 8:48 yesterday - hell yes!)  I did not do a great job eating so far today (lasted on nothing until 12pm, then soy yogurt with cherries and pecans, mini rice cakes, a spoonful of peanut butter, fresh pineapple, popcorn made with oil - my mom said she wanted some, and my air-popper does not make enough for two, so I decided to make it in the big pot.  Long story short, she did not want any, so I made it with oil for no reason and shared with the dogs, but still waaaaaaaay too much - and then two spoonfuls left-over frosting.  Green tea and iced coffee for the rest of the night, most definitely.  I am so glad I worked out this morning.

Random act of awesomeness today - I went to Dunkin Donuts to order my medium coconut iced coffee, black, light on the ice (my summer pleasure) after driving one of my students to the bus station.  Anyway, I get inside and there is a hand-written sign that says the credit card machine is broken.  As usual, I did not have any cash on me.  I just said, "Oh that's too bad, I really wanted coffee and I drove all the way down here."  The guys just looked at me and I went to leave.  The woman behind me pipes up and says, "What did you want?  I'll buy your coffee for you, just a random act of kindness." I insisted no, but she offered again and so some super nice stranger paid for me $2.39 coffee :)  I need to do something random and good and put some great vibes into the world.  Being a Christian, I do not really believe in karma, but I certainly believe that putting kindness and love into the world is the best way to go about things.

I am trying very hard to get ready for my visit to see Juan's family.  I really need to crack down on my diet.  June is a new month and the perfect time to reduce my intake.  The easiest way for me is to skip breakfast, which is not good for your metabolism.  Honestly, I'm not sure if it makes a difference because I work out when I wake up.  My metabolism must be boosted by a 5 mile run or my bursting class, so maybe it does not matter anyway???  Who knows?  I think I am going to stick with skipping breakfast and just waiting until I get home, around noon, to eat or drink anything.

Please keep bugging me and help me resist food and exercise more.  I have to be smaller soon.  I just have to be.

Also, if you do not follow Dani, please give her a few sentiments of support.  She's going through a rough patch and needs all the love we can muster.

Lots of love, as always...

endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com

Deep Breath

So the other day I was freaking out a bit.

I have been really good this week.  Over the past month of so, I had put on several pounds.  But this week, I have been exercising fervently (ran 5 miles on Sunday/Monday/Wednesday, took classes/ran 1-2 miles today and Tuesday) and eating less.  My weight, after the gym this morning was 133.4.  I know that if I keep myself on this roll, I will be under 130, possibly 125 by July 1, when I leave to meet Juan's family.

Oh, did I mention that??  I bought a plane ticket to California!

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow at the school where I have been coaching this season.  They have an opening in their admissions office, and had interviewed a bunch of candidates and nearly offered the job to someone.  Long story short, the headmaster was telling the other coaches that he wished I would be around next year to coach and one of them mentioned my plans to move to California ASAP.  I emailed the headmaster to let him know that even though I do plan to move eventually, if I am gainfully employed here for the next year before getting married, I would love to coach next spring.  In the end, they held off on offering that job to one of the candidates and I had a preliminary interview on Monday.  Tomorrow, I am going in for a day-long session of interviews  I am incredibly nervous, but also really hopeful about getting the position.  I don't know the salary, but it may allow me to move on campus and live with the students and save all of my money for moving/wedding/school in the future.  Juan keeps mentioning how excited he is to get married... I think the ring is really coming soon :)

I went shopping yesterday and bought two pairs of pants (skinny jeans and skinny cropped stretch pants) from the GAP both in a size 4.  I know the Gap, J Crew, Banana, etc. are all major vanity sizers and that I don't belong in a size 4, but it did make me feel good.  I want to get under 120 so I will wear a size 2.

Thank you to everyone who left me words of encouragement, it's exactly what I needed... Cinnamon, Dani, Ariana, Adeline, Cierra... and also thanks to those of you who are still reading and still following.  I'm in a much better position to get caught up on reading and commenting these days.

And I know I've been saying this for a while, but I am going to post progress pictures.  When I hit 129, I promise.

So where have I been?

Honestly, I don't know.  I have been running and taking my class at the gym.  Bouncing between liquid fasting and just eating too much.  Feeling uninspired to write a long entry here.  Busy with work and searching for a new job.

My weight this morning, post work-out, 134.8.  What am I doing???  I should be 124.8 by now for goodness sake.

Anyway, this morning I did 2.25 miles on the treadmill and one class.  It was too humid and sticky to survive another, but I burned 650ish calories in the process.  I came home and made an awesome smoothie (banana, strawberry, soy milk, almond butter, flax, kale, super-green food powder, and sf chocolate syrup) - I am not sure of the calorie content, but I know it will keep me full for most of the day (eliminating the need for a real lunch).  I'll snack on rice cakes and Crystal Light later and stick to tea and a salad for dinner.

All in all, I really need to up my game.  I need to eat less and train harder or I am never going to be comfortably under 120, which is my ultimate goal.  I want to wear light, pretty clothes this summer and look as good as I can when I go to meet Juan's family next month.  This week I must remain incredibly and intensely focused on keeping my calories lower.  Below 1,000 every day.  I took a rest day Sunday and yesterday (Sunday I was at my kids' race all day walking around and helping with boats and such, but it was a super long day and I was exhausted even on Monday).  I need to run tomorrow and Thursday, as well as take my class at the gym.  On Friday and Saturday I will be in Philadelphia for my kids' last race, the Stotesbury Cup, and I probably won't get much exercise in besides walking.  Therefore, I need to pack fruit, veggies, nuts, and rice cakes to keep me on the healthy track for those two days.  If we go out to eat, salads only.  Hopefully I will be able to update and read Tumblr from my phone and at least keep my focus.  By the way, this is the bathing suit I bought.  I love it, but it looks horrific on me...

http://endorphinsandveggies.tumblr.com/

Another week has gone by

I don't really think I am that much closer to under 130 by the time Juan arrives.  I am still keeping up with my exercise - 6 days a week, running, weight and circuit training - but my restriction just isn't enough.

I had a little bit of a breakthrough today, though... I did not weigh myself before/after the gym/before eating for the first time in... years!  I hope that staying away from the scale today, hitting the gym for a good 500-calorie burning workout, drinking a ton of water and tea, and barely eating will reward me tomorrow.  The other day I was 131.4 after the gym, but I feel heavier than that now.  Hence why I must behave today.

For breakfast, I drank this super green smoothie (kale, o.j., soy milk, mango, banana, peaches, flax seeds, ice) and I ate a piece of the gluten free vegan biscotti I made last night - the whole recipe had barely any sugar in it, so I don't feel guilty.  I am going to the health food store, Starbucks, and to the camera shop to try and make a decision about the Olympus PEN E-PL1 I am considering.

Tomorrow is Easter, a great day!  I won't ruin it with chocolate (plus, what does chocolate have to do with Jesus rising from the dead anyway??) and I will go for my long run, 7-8 miles, weather permitting.

My mind feels stable and healthy today, which is wonderful.  That, combined with determination, is going to help me get to my goal of 118ish.  I know I can lose more than 15 pounds.

How is everyone?  I've been using Tumblr a bit over the past week, so I'm quite behind on reading and commenting.  I hope you're all enjoying your long weekends and making healthy choices.  Fruits, veggies, green tea, water and exercise lovelies...

And lastly, a little thinspo...

  

Ehh

I had a pretty great day yesterday - managed to be 131.4 after the gym (ran for 15 minutes and then took back-to-back classes).  I ate a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, brussel sprouts for lunch, and then I was foiled!  The coaches wanted to go out for dinner and I ordered a veggie burger.  I ended up eating the whole thing, including all of my sweet potato fries.  Serves me right, this morning I was back up to 133.6 after my 5 mile run.

Today I am eating nice and clean - oatmeal for breakfast (150 cals of oatmeal, 20 of soymilk, and 50 of dried cherries - 220), and a snack of Better'n Peanut butter (100)... sticking to fruit and vegetables for the rest of the day.

I have such a warped view of myself.  The other night I was horribly upset after just having a good-old-fashioned bad day.  I cried when I looked at myself in my underwear in the mirror.  I want my legs to be so much thinner.  I want my arms to be skinny and muscular.  My stomach looks ok about 25% of the time.  And yet, people tell me I am thin and beautiful.  I wear a anywhere from a size 2-4 (occasionally a 6 depending on how the sizes run).  35-25.5-37.  I don't see it at all.  I want to weigh at least 120 or less so that I can run fast and wear anything.  I do want to be healthy, but the weight just won't come off the way I keep eating.  I haven't posted progress photos because I am embarrassed and I don't have a camera.

This week, I have to look into buying a camera - I want an Olympus PEN but I'm not sure if I can afford one.  I also need to work on my knitting.  Annnnd kick my own ass at the gym several times and finally, finally, finally get back to 130 (which I have been talking about for weeks.

I made a tumblr but I'm not totally sure what to do with it yet.

I promise I am trying to be healthy.  It just doesn't seem to be working that well.  I want to be thin AND healthy but they always seem to be diametrically opposed in my life.

Fasting forward

Yesterday went fabulously until I realized it was one of the other coach's birthdays - in the morning, I ran for an hour, had a low-calorie breakfast and homemade vegetable soup for lunch.  Then, disaster struck.  I decided it was a great idea to bake cupcakes in her honor, so I made them in the bakery-size (i.e. jumbo) muffin pan - chocolate with cherry jam inside, ganache and amaretto soaked dried cherries on top.  I figured that we would eat in the dining hall and I could either say I was running home and sit in my car or just eat a little salad.  The girls, however, decided they wanted to go out for dinner.  The restaurant they chose is a pizza place without even a decent salad on their menu.  So, I ordered a personal pizza, thin crust, veggies, no cheese.  It was delicious, but as I was eating it, I could feel my stomach getting cranky from the gluten.  I finished 2/3, which was entirely too much and guzzled down two glasses of water.  We then went back to the birthday girl's apartment for cupcakes, where, of course, I ate an entire cupcake, even knowing that I was full.  Afterward, we went to a bar and I had a glass of wine.

I came home and got on the scale last night and started to cry.  I know it was all of the food and drink, but honestly I felt completely worthless.  Especially since I went over my goals of not breaking 1000, had chocolate, and didn't know how to record my abhorrent intake,  and now there is no way I will be 130 by Sunday morning.

So, I am going to fast today - liquids only (tea, coffee, almond milk, maybe a little juice, and of course, water) - and maybe into tomorrow if I can keep it up.  I am going to the gym soon and will run before my class.  Hopefully for 45 minutes before my 45 minute class, but the tendons/muscles in my right ankle are swollen and have been hurting since my 6-miler yesterday morning.  Yet again, I am too ashamed to post my weight, but it's too far away from my goal, let's just settle with that.  My mini-goal for the day is to weigh less tonight than I did this morning.  Reasonable?  I think so.  Additionally, I am going to follow the rules of the challenge that Isobel posted.  So today's fast will leave me under 500 calories (20 pts), exercise between 10-20 pts, I can easily drink 2L of water (20), and I already had eight hours of sleep (20).  If I do that every day for ten days, I'll be much closer to my goal weight.

Thank you all for reading that rambling post, I hope you have a lovely skinny day.  I will be catching up and commenting to do my duty as a friend to all of you and to distract me from eating and thus piling more fat onto my body.

Thank you for inspiring and supporting me.  I am ever grateful.

Edit:  Coffee, soy milk, Emergen-C and water as my intake so far.  If I am feeling faint (as I am starting to feel sluggish now) I will have 1/2 a Clif Bar to get me through the rest of the day/night.  When I come home, I'll have miso soup for dinner.  At the gym, I burned 820 calories between my class and a 35 minute run.  I have already had three glasses of water, just five more and I've reached my 20 points.  I can do this today.  One last thing, I want legs just like this...

Weekend ReCap and Goals for the Week

Saturday, as you, my faithful readers, know was my team's first race.  On Saturday morning I went to my class at the gym, came home and showered, and went straight to the lake.  The conditions were terrible, gusts of wind and lots of whitecaps, and we ended up losing the points trophy by a two second technicality.  Regardless, my boys won their race, which was great.  Afterward, I went out with my fellow coaches and had a big old salad and a beer.

Sunday started as a good day but then I ended up eating some jelly beans and other unnecessary junk.  I went for a fabulous run in the lovely cool spring weather, so the day was not a total loss.  I ran my normal 4.85 miles loop in less than 41 minutes.  I ran my first 1.1 miles in 9:08 - normally, since it's all uphill, I run it in about 10:20+.  I was completely psyched and just enjoying the spring air.

This morning, I ran four miles, but I have managed to completely destroy my intake with chocolate.  I managed to last the entire month of March without chocolate, so I think after today I need to just swear it off again.  I tend to be one of those all-or-nothing kinds of people when it comes to food.  I just need to get it out of my life.  I am sabotaging myself.  This is the week I get back on track, completely.

I am finding it harder to restrict now.  I am assuming it is because my life is in much better order lately - new job, boyfriend is being absolutely divine, getting along with my family, spring is here... last summer/fall I was easily dropping weight because I generally felt awful and stressed about my life.  I need to find the balance where I can restrict, varying the days (600, 800, 1000, etc.), exercise, and be happy.  I need to take some photos of myself, perhaps in my swimsuit, so I can see how awful I look.  That might motivate me.

My goals for this week are...
1. Record absolutely everything I eat.  I always eat so much less when I have to be accountable for it.
2. Exercise every day (Not unusual, but I am going to skip my rest day this week).
3. Not go above 1000 calories.
4. No nuts or nut butters
5. Take progress pictures.
6. See 130 on the scale again, even if it's dehydrated after my workout.
7. Diligently read and comment on as many blogs as I can each day.
8. Finally respond to the Versatile Blogger Award.

I just returned from the gym - 20 minute interval run and back-to-back classes (burned 1050 calories).  Then I had oatmeal with strawberries, spices, and yogurt (215 calories total). My weight was too embarrassing to even mention prior to my gym session, but that gives me an extra dose of motivation so I  will not quit today.  I want to be under 120 pounds so badly and yet I am barely working for it.  I want to be gracefully thin in my wedding photos, which hopefully will be within the next year or so.  I need to keep working and work harder.  I am not beautiful at this weight.  125 will be satisfactory, seeing as I am so far away from that now, but sub-120 is the goal.  I have to do this.

Fat free day

My goal today is to have a fat free day.  What I mean is not adding ANY extra fats to my food at all (no nuts/oils/etc.)

I woke up early and went to my class at the gym, just got home and had 1/3c oatmeal with diced peaches, a 1/2 tsp molasses, cinnamon, nutmeg, and 1/4c plain soy yogurt.  That comes to 215 calories.  A lot, I know, but I just got home from a tough class at the gym.  Later this morning I will have 1/2 a Luna Bar with coffee (95).  Lunch will be an apple (80), maybe a banana (105), and less than a cup of almond milk (60).  I'll be at work all afternoon and then I'll come home and grab vegetable soup that my mom made last night, which is less than 200 calories.  That puts my total for the day at around 700.

My kids have their first race today.  I really hope they just row their little hearts out and make it to the finish line :)

Maybe I'll post some thinspo tonight.  I need some inspiration, you know?

Have a great Saturday everyone...

P.S. Sorry I haven't gotten back to everyone who has been commenting.  Dani at Bones are Pure, I know you're handling a lot right now and I sometimes don't know what to say.  Just know that I am listening and will help however I can.

Glad to be back

Hello my little chickadees.  I am finally back and sort of organized from my trip to South Carolina last week.  The week was extremely productive and tiring - a learning experience for both my novice rowers and for me as a coach.  I know the season is going to be a lot of work, but thus far I am sincerely enjoying it and find it quite rewarding.  Even though I did not work out that much, my days were long and active.  I went for several 3-4 mile runs with my boys.  The food was abominable, and luckily I did not come home any heavier after sustaining myself on Clif Bars, nuts, rice and salad all week.

I took back-to-back classes yesterday morning and did some maintenance on the boats (which is decent physical work) and only ran 3.2 miles today.  My weight after my run is 132.8, so tomorrow my goal is to be under 132 after going to the gym in the morning.  I just had one third of a cup oatmeal with some peach slices, two tablespoons of cashew pieces, a teaspoon of Earth Balance and honey.  For lunch, before I go to work, I'll have a salad with roasted peppers, greens, cabbage, and maybe a few kalamata olives.  Popcorn and an apple for dinner sounds like a good plan to be lighter in the morning.

Juan is coming in one month.  My absolute goal is 125 by the day he arrives, which is the 29th of April.  That means 7+ pounds in four weeks.  I can do this.  I need to up my mileage on my running days and work extra hard at the gym.  I need to dial back my consumption of fats (mainly from nuts) and carbs and start eating more veggies and fruit, which is easy now that Spring is here.

I am so pleased that you all liked my vlog :)  I'll think of something else to do and post another one soon.  Additionally, I think Dani nominated me for the Versatile Blogger award, so I'll get to that this week too.

Have a great day ladies... stick to fruits and veggies and water - your body will thank you...

Monday

132.2 this morning after running 4.5 miles at the gym.

My strategy this week is to eat a substantial breakfast (like the oatmeal with peaches and soymilk I am eating now) and only fruit or vegetables (which includes soy but I need to get off grains and nuts) if I need anything the rest of the day and to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.  The oatmeal will give me energy to last almost the entire day and it is immensely filling.

I am going to bring cabbage slaw with a bit of tempeh for lunch and a grapefruit for a snack.  I am not sure if I will eat when I come home.  Tomorrow, I'll do a double session at the gym (run 1-2 miles and back-to-back classes).  My goals for this week are to get off sweets completely - I did a great job breaking my chocolate habit last week - and going gluten/wheat free.  I do not think I have Celiac or anything like that, because I don't get violently ill, I do, however, feel yucky and retain water AND get a stomach ache if I eat a lot of wheat, like a bowl of pasta.  I really haven't been eating too much, but I want to cut it out altogether before I leave for this trip.

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  I know some of you are frustrated, like I am, with the numbers that show on the scale every morning.  We can fix it and make it better together. Work extra hard this week.

Sorry for being lost for a while

So it's been a while... two weeks-ish... since I have had the time to sit down and write a proper post.  I am terribly apologetic for my absence (in the even that any of you were actually disappointed that I have not been posting).  Where to begin?

Juan left last Sunday, heading home to California mid-morning.  We had a lovely long weekend together, going to the movies, out to dinner, having a grand fiesta at my house, and out to my friend's engagement soiree.

In other news, I know I shared that I was accepted to the MPH program at Columbia.  Unfortunately, it is looking less and less likely that I will be able to attend because the cost is absurdly expensive (i.e. I would have to borrow $60,000 for the two years).  So, I am trying to find out if it there is any financial aid/scholarship or if I might be able to defer.  In the meantime, I am searching for a more legitimate job, something in public health.  In a twist of fate, I am interviewing for a coaching position at the private school in my town, and am hoping they can take me on for the spring/summer and pay me a bit more than my current job at the animal hospital.  Basically, I have been baking on going to graduate school this fall for the past nine-or-so months and now that plan is totally going to pot.  Thinking about the money and not moving forward in life generally gets me quite upset.

And most importantly, in weight news.  UGH.  I have had no less than three people in the past two weeks ask me if I have lost weight/warned me not to lose/told me I looked really toned.  However, I hopped on the scale this morning and my weight was an absolutely horrifically disgusting 134.2 pounds. 134?!?!?!  I haven't been that fat since September.  I don't understand how people think I look decent.  I think I look fat - particularly my arms - in the pictures from my friend Kathryn's party.  I need to really crack down this month.  My two main goals for this month are to not spend ANY unnecessary money (no ebay, no shopping, no going out to lunch, etc.) and no chocolate or sweets for the entire month.  Winter is hard around here, since the produce isn't quite as good.  Luckily, spring is coming and I will be eating more salads and less calories.  As of March 3rd, when I made this pact, I have had only one tiny sliver of cake that I baked for a going-away party, and two homemade chocolate chip cookies.  Those cookies, which I ate out of depression this morning (hey grumpy mood/134.2 on the scale/pouring rain!) I absolutely swear that I am going cold-turkey in order to break this cycle.  I need to focus on getting under 130 again (I disgust myself to think I was easily 128 before Christmas).  On a better note, I have been exercising very steadily.  I run all the time - ran my fastest 5k at the gym last week... 23:48! - and have continued with my circuit/weight training classes.  I know I am putting on muscle mass (i.e. weight), but I want my abs to show this summer.  The only way that is going to happen is if I am under 120 pounds.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening to my ramblings.  I promise I will get back on the posting/commenting train this week.

Oh, and thank you to Cinnamon - she mailed me a package sometime last week!  I cannot wait for it to arrive!

Fasting for myself

So I was doing really well yesterday - barely ate all day, honestly, and then I got home and my mother had baked cookies.  What do you know, I wake up this morning thinking that I could not have eaten enough to negatively impact my weight, I was so well behaved all day... WRONG.

I won't weight myself and post that weight until after I have gone to the gym, but my first morning weight was absolutely abominable and disgusting.  Today, I am legitimately fasting.  No juice or spoonfuls of peanut butter if I feel faint.  Water and tea for a little energy boost.  I can do it today - I feel determined.

My body is certainly building muscle with my new workout regimen, but is failing to shed the excess fat that could so easily drip off of my thighs, back, arms and stomach.  I want to be lithe and strong, not bulky and gross like I am now.  I want to easily slip into a pair of size 0 jeans, not question whether my thighs might fit into a 4 or 6 (though with all of the vanity sizing companies do now, I do own some 2s that fit just fine).  I want my waist to be teeny and defined and under 24 inches.  I want to be able to run a 5k in under 24 minutes.

You ladies are all so incredible.  It saddens me when I see your teeny tiny selves depressed about not being under 100 pounds or whatever makes you unhappy.  You are beautiful, I promise.

Thank you to everyone who was so encouraging about my acceptance into graduate school!

______________

I wrote the first bit of that before going to the gym this morning - I am feeling much better now.  I ran a 5k in 23.55 :)  My fastest ever, and then I worked really hard in my class.  More than 850 calories GONE.  I refuse to eat today.  I feel empowered to fast.  It's not punishment, it is to prove that I can do it and that my body needs to listen to me and stop holding on to weight it doesn't need.  I weighed 131 after the gym, which is ridiculous.  I am hoping that today's fast will really help me lose some water weight and fat.

Time to go Skype with Juan :)

Oh, and please check out Tai's vlog!  She made such a sweet Valentine's Day post!

Feeling good today

Just a short post... for once I am feeling halfway confident and strong today.

I fasted most of the day yesterday and hit the gym this morning.  5K in just shy of 25 minutes on the treadmill and then my bursting class... according to my heart monitor, in an hour and fifteen minutes, I burned 806 calories.  I love starting the day with a negative calorie intake.  I hopped on the scale after the gym and finally it read 129.8.  It's about damn time that I break that horrible 130.  I know it's sort of a false reading because I was dehydrated from the gym and all, but it makes me feel so much better.  Now, I am drinking my Emergen-C mixed with 4oz water and 4oz orange juice and eating 1T peanut butter.  I plan to spend the rest of my day hydrating at work and I think I will pack fruit and yogurt for lunch.  When I come home from work, I'll steam a big bunch of spinach and swiss chard with lots of lemon juice and a touch of olive oil.

Today is going to be a better day - for everyone.

Thank you

Many many words of thanks, again, for those of you who were kind enough to give me some positive feedback on my hair.  I really appreciate it and feel even surer about my decision now :)

I haven't been doing a great job with restricting my calorie intake lately (one good day, two bad days, etc.) but I have still been exercising quite a bit.  This morning I warmed up for 15 minutes on the elliptical, took my 45 minute class, and then another 15 minutes on the elliptical - according to my heart monitor I burned 739 calories.  I was 130.0 after the gym - oh 129, why must you evade me now?!  I'm now eating a healthy brunch of soy yogurt, frozen mango and berries, about six pecans crumbled up and a sprinkling of rice chex.  I know it sounds like a lot, but I skipped breakfast and it is mostly fruit.

Both Adeline and Dani have nominated me for the Honest Scrap, so I am trying to come up with 10 interesting things about myself :)  Stay tuned for that.

And lastly, I have been knitting quite a bit lately, I have to post photos of the baby things I am making for some friends of mine - a stuffed turtle and two sweaters - and then I am knitting linen placemats for a friend's engagement.  I'm a busy little bee... idle hands tend to end up with food in them, now don't they?

Comments and honest scrap nonsense to follow shortly...

P.S. I can't get this song out of my head!

The end of January

January just flew by for me.  Maybe it's because I have been busy with work, going to the gym, and getting my school applications together - with a bit of knitting and cooking in between.

Here's the latest picture of my haircut - I dyed it blonder on Friday night because all of my blondest hair was chopped off :)  I have never dyed my hair before and I think it turned out quite well.  I am feeling so motivated to get down to my ultimate goal weight now.  This hair is pixie-ish and I need to be as teeny tiny as one.

I cannot even begin to express how excited I was to see all of your wonderful comments about my photos!  Cinnamon Brown, Adeline, Peridot, Helen, Eloise, Athena, Peridot, Amy, Dani, Zette, Victoria, Nerisaga, DressageWoman, A Quiet Battle, Astrid, Ariana, and 118 of Bust! - thank you all so much for the kind words.  I was kind of nervous to cut it but I know I am doing something nice and I feel sort of liberated now!  I just need to get down to my goal so I can look spectacular.

I hit the gym this morning and weight 130.4 afterward.  I just ran a 5k and did the weight circuit - the Dr. said I am allowed to run three miles every other day, so I started this morning.  My foot still hurts, so I definitely cannot run again tomorrow.  

I want to be under 130 tomorrow after going to the gym.  I can do it and be on my way back down soon.  Have a great Monday my little chickadees.  Fill your tummies with warm tea and super nutritious, but low in calorie, fruits and veggies.  I don't know what I would do without you.

Fasting until Saturday?

There is no way I am going to be 3-4 pounds lighter tomorrow.  I definitely have to fast today and tomorrow, but seriously, I am sabotaging myself.  I was supposed to be 125 by the time I cut my hair, then I compromised with 129, well, there's no way.  Fasting is definitely in order.

For those of you who asked about my new hairstyle...

I am pretty nervous, I have hair down to the middle of my back now.  I would post a picture, but honestly, I am too embarrassed with the way I look right now.  I know I am doing a good thing by donating it, but it is still scary at the moment.  I know once it is all off I will feel fine and completely motivated to stop putting food in my gluttonous mouth.

I really hope there is some sort of miracle today and between the gym, hydrating, and staying away from food, that I can be more comfortable.  How did I let myself gain again?  I vowed never to be over 130.

I think I am going to go to the gym early for an hour of cardio (on the elliptical, since I still cannot run on account of my foot), my class, and an extra set or two of the weight circuit.  I know I have been lifting weights quite often now, so some of my gain might be on account of that, but honestly, my body is looking fatter, not leaner, so I know it's not a good enough excuse.

Update... I did half an hour on the elliptical before class, then the 45 minute bursting class, which totally kicked my ass this morning.  My arms and legs felt like jelly afterward, so I did not return to the elliptical or lift at all.  I wish I wasn't so weak and could pump out two hours at the gym.  Anyway, I have been drinking lots - water, tea, almond milk - and had homemade carrot/sweet potato soup for lunch.  I know that it is low in calories and filling, so I think it is a good choice for fasting.  I am going to make it through tonight on more soup (lentil maybe?) and tea.  I can totally handle this.

Embarassed

I know it has been almost a week since my last post, but honestly, I have been so embarrassed about my eating and my weight that I can hardly even write now.

Thank you for the well-wishes regarding my stress fracture.  All I can think about now is how much I want to run.  I had an MRI this morning and I have my doctor's appointment on Friday.  I have been still working out - lifting, using the elliptical, and taking my class - but I fee like running is the only thing that keeps me thinner.  My weight is disgustingly high.  I did a few days of liquids last week and was down to 129.5 on Sunday morning... now, I cannot even say.  Granted, I ate some salty things yesterday, so today I'm shying away from that and drinking lots of coffee and green tea in hopes that I'll have happier numbers tomorrow.

I had my class and then did an extra 15 hard minutes on the elliptical (total of 60 minutes) today.  I just had breakfast - 1 cup rice chex, 1 cup plain unsweetened almond milk, 6 pecans, 1/2 cup unsweetened frozen mango - about 300 calories, a lot for breakfast for me, but it's already 11:30 and I plan to not eat until dinner.

I also have an appointment to have my hair cut on Friday - if you remember, I am cutting it ALL off and donating it.  I desperately wanted to be 125 by the time I cut my hair, but alas, I have failed again.  Maybe seeing my chubby face without my hair to hide it will be the extra kick in the pants I need to stop shoving food in my mouth.

Thank you Ariana, Ana Marie, Athena, Sofia, Dani, A Quiet Battle, Lorna, Sophie, Amy, and of course Adeline, for the kind words of encouragement and gratitude you express through your comments and on your blogs.  I know that even when I am feeling downright terrible, you lovely ladies help pick me up.  I promise I will do better this week.  I am shooting for 129.0 or less by Friday.  My ultimate goal this year is to be under 120, like 118.  I think that at 5'7.5" that is a reasonable, but thin weight.  I just need to stop fooling around and indulging.

Lots of love, my dears...

FML

My weight is up again - too embarrassing to post.  I feel terribly about myself and I couldn't run yesterday because of my stupid foot.  My mom thinks it is a stress fracture.

Luckily, I am going to the gym this morning, even though it snowed last night and the roads are crappy.  I need to burn off some of this gross fat that is plaguing my body.

No solid food today.  No solid food until I am properly down to 128.

Sorry for the grumpy post, I just feel like crap today.

Thank you for the positive comments yesterday - I will get my lame bum to commenting when I return fro the gym.

Thank you

Thank you, my lovely readers, for the positive comments and support for my last post.  I realize that Australia is not the only place in the world struggling with the aftermath of crazy weather so we should all continue to keep that in mind.  The blog community here has a network of beautiful women from all over the world, so let us continue to show support for one another.

In other news, I logged 26.2 miles this week (funny it worked out to be the same as a marathon), attended two of my classes and did some weight training today.  Unfortunately, this amped up exercise regimen is leaving me quite hungry and I have been eating far too much to lose weight properly.  I have been consistently between 128.6 and 130.6 this week (depending on when I weigh).  I think that this weekend, or perhaps this morning, I am going to write out some food plans for the week, so I know exactly how many calories I have planned, with no wiggle room.  Considering all of the exercise I am doing, I want to aim for 900 or so.  I'm clearly eating above that, or I would be losing quickly.  This morning, I ran 3.5 miles (the first 5k in less than 25 minutes) and did the weight machine circuit at the gym.  My heart monitor says that I burned 543 calories in 53 minutes.  On the days that I am more cardio-heavy, I burn more like 850.  I just finished a quarter-cup of oatmeal (75) with teaspoon of natural peanut butter (32), a tablespoon of carob chips (35), and a quarter-cup of light soy milk (18) - a filling 160 calories.  I'll shoot for home made soup and salad for lunch, and something very light for dinner.

I know I was talking about cutting off my hair to donate it as one of my new year's resolutions.  I am going to make an appointment soon, and my goal was to be 120-125 by the time I cut my hair.  My ultimate goal weight is 115-118, so I think that aiming for a six pound loss before the haircut is reasonable.  I  just have to pick a date - how long should it take?  I was losing so evenly and steadily before the holidays.  I need to get back to that.

Welcome to my newest followers!  I have now reached 100!  I never thought 100 people would care enough to read the crazy things I write about, but thank you, thank you :)

I'm also thinking about posting some new progress pictures, so compare with my last set.  I was a few pounds lighter then, but I have been working out more now... thoughts?

Ariana, Astrid, Nerisaga, Cinnamon,  A Quiet Battle, Erin Rose, and Bones Are Pure - thank you all so much for the incredible compliments about my fitness regimen.  It's girls like you who inspire me to keep going and keep running!  I just hope I don't ever let you down.

Kat Not Jas - thank you for the compliments on my photos and thinspo.  The ones you were asking about, yes, my friend/brother/and I took all of them :)

Oh, happy belated birthday Cinnamon!

And Mich, I haven't commented on one of your posts in a while, but girl, you're still keeping me laughing, sorry about the crazy nun flashbacks!!!  And by the way, I hope you're not too snowed in!

Alice D.  I am so glad you are safe and sound.  I hope your family and friends are safe too, and if there is anything I can do, let me know.  I know it probably sounds stupid and all, but I still have your little packet of tea all ready to go that I wanted to send you around Christmas.  I would love to send it to you now if you'd email me your address.  Maybe a cup of tea will help bring some calm to this crazy situation.

Adeline, please don't be too discouraged, your last few posts (William drama and purging) have been heart wrenching for me to read.  I want you to be happy and to love yourself, and good riddance to a man who doesn't appreciate you.  I hope you have a lovely weekend out of town and do come back uplifted.  We love you.

I'm just about to shower and then go in search of a few items of new running gear (gloves and sports bras being the most essential) since most of my stuff is quite old and shot.  If I happen to find any other special somethings along the way, I might just have to treat myself.  Also, I need to start brainstorming ideas for Juan's Valentine's day gift.  Any ideas?

Catching up

Good morning my little chickadees!

Sorry I have not posted in a few days.  For some reason, I have been quite tired lately and have been having trouble finding the motivation to write.

The snowstorms have been throwing my exercise routine for a loop, but I still managed to run 25.2 miles last week (I started a running log spreadsheet so I can see, by the end of each month, and the year, how many miles I have run).  Of course I have been eating too much, but yesterday I managed to dust off our old treadmill and get in my cardio.  This treadmill is clearly incorrectly calibrated, since when it says you are running 6.0 mph it feels more like 6.5 or 7.0 mph.  I ran for 80 minutes, and I calculated that at 6.5 mph I did about 8.6 miles - the furthest I have even run in one shot!  I felt really great afterwards and less guilty for eating bad food earlier in the day.  The only problem is that now, my little legs are quite tired, so I may just run three miles on the treadmill and try to rest.

Sometime last week, Ariana asked if I had always had this sort of fitness level or if I had to work at it.  Honestly, I have put in a lot of work to get to where I am.  Until I went to college, I was completely un-athletic.  Then, at the start of my freshmen year, they were recruiting for the rowing team.  I happen to be almost 5'8" so someone asked if I might be interested.  One thing led to another, and I spent the next four years rowing varsity crew for a Division I school.  In college, I had little else to do besides row, study, and go to the gym, so I was sort of a gym rat.  My sophomore year, I managed to lose some weight too, and get down to 128-130, which stabilized to 134ish over that summer before I left to study abroad in France.  Then, even though I kept up with my running and whatnot, I gained quite a lot of weight.  I came home, was back on the team, and lost a few pounds, getting back to my body's preferred weight of 140.  Since I graduated, I took up running (particularly in San Diego) but slacked a bit in the stifling weather this summer.  As soon as it cooled off, I started running again.  I began with a mile or two and now I can run more than eight.  I think that my recent addition of calisthenics and weight training is definitely going to help too.  Sorry if that was an over-explanation :)

Victoria also asked me about the cleanse pills  take.  I have been taking them every day for a while.  They help regulate my digestion, but you really aren't supposed to use them for more than 30 consecutive days.  I think I would probably be fine without them, seeing as I am a vegan and have lots of veggies and fruits in my diet, but they comfort me somehow.

Anyway, I need to get dressed, have a small breakfast, and get on the treadmill.  After I shower, I need to write two cover letters for recent jobs I found.  Then, I should probably work on my last two graduate school applications, and by the time that is all over, it will be time to go to work by 12pm.

I hope everyone has a healthy, happy day - filled with exercise and low calories...

And my darling Cinnamon finally received her package :)  Hooray!