At this moment

I have been feeling so good and free and nonchalant. It has been such a long time since I exhibited any kind of disordered behaviors. I eat normal meals and even decadent treats without feeling guilty for the first time in ten years.

But then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel so insanely large and uncomfortable in my own skin. Undeserving of the beautiful love of my fiancé. Unworthy of this wedding celebration in two months. Who wants to look at a fat girl in a white dress? The whole idea of standing in front of even just my small handful of people and having them look at my gluttonous body makes me want to cry.

Why must these thoughts continue to haunt me? Rationally, I full well know that my worth as a person is not inversely proportions to my mass. So why is it so easy for my to convince myself it's true?

I am tired of wavering between satisfaction and disgust... with my clothes not fitting... with crying over a candid photograph.

And yet, I know this is essentially all in my head. My body is a clinically healthy size that is capable of great things, but I wish it could be capable of those things while taking up significantly less space. I continue to delude myself that shrinking will make my problems disappear... When  we all know that's not true. 

We all deserve health and happiness, even you... even me... but how do we get there?  Healthy minds and healthy bodies, indefinitely?

A long overdo update

So my last post was a little alarming, I know.  I am sorry.  I mean, I know I am allowed to write whatever I please around here, but my last post was written in a moment of frustration and haste after seeing some friends last weekend.

I just could not believe how good some of my friends looked - and by good, I mean thin... I have amazing, lovely, beautiful (inside and out!) girlfriends from college, and I have always viewed them all that way, no matter what size they happen to be.  But after not seeing them for months and months, I just felt so large and inadequate.

I am going to see a gastroenterologist on Monday afternoon.  I have been having some sort of minor but persistent digestive distress since the end of March and I am finally going to see a specialist. I saw my normal doctor and his tests revealed nothing in particular, so he said if I still was not better, I should see a specialist.  Well, more than a month later I am finally getting around to it, since the symptoms are interfering with my marathon training.  I am hoping he is able to give me some answers and maybe even explain my unexplained weight gain.  I have not gained that much, but I find it odd that I spent three months in Europe eating whatever I wanted and gained about 2 pounds.  I come home and eat healthier and vegan and I am now was the tippy tippy top of my weight range.  I have gained 5-6 pounds more.  I am 20 pounds over my ideal weight (writing that makes me SO sad) and about 12 over my easy-to-maintain-I-feel-much-better-about-myself weight.  I just hope I get some answers.  My clothes are tight and I just don't feel good.  And I am no where close to underweight, so from a health perspective there is no reason that I should not lose weight.

Anyway, I am running a half marathon in the morning.  I am not sure how it is going to go - I have been marathon training for about a month, but this is a little early in my plan to run a half.  It just seemed like a fun race and would only be slightly longer than what I had planned for this weekend.  I know I will be able to finish the course, but I would be shocked if I run it in under 2 hours.

I am leaving for France in two weeks, which is exciting.  I have almost six whole days to spend with Benjamin and it will be lovely as usual, I suspect.  We are  on a little adventure to a surprise location when I arrive, and all I know is I need to bring my bathing suit... ughhhhh... I am excited to be in the sunshine and perhaps be laying on a beach (I don't really know, after all) but I am NOT excited about having to display that much of myself in public.  But, I need to just gather my wits about it - it's not worth ruining a perfectly good vacation over stupid body negativity.

I am hoping that the doctor ends up putting me on some kind of special regimen that a) my symptoms will stop/improve and b) I will lose some weight before my trip.  Regardless, I have two weeks to try and just lose even a few pounds to mentally make myself feel better, even if the physical change is imperceptible to most.

And what else is new?  I have been happily busy at work (I really do enjoy my job) and am trying to squeeze in marathon training (even 5:20am wake-up calls to run 9 miles before work!) and knitting.  I am making a lovely t shirt right now.  I hope to make some serious progress on it tonight/tomorrow so that maybe it will be finished before I leave.  Then I need to finish the sleeves on a striped cardigan that has been lingering in my knitting pile - the sweater is lovely but I just have not been able to find the motivation to finish the sleeves!  After that, I have two big projects to start, which I might to simultaneously - one is a sweater for Pauline's grandmother.  I knit myself a blue pullover last summer for wearing at the beach on cool days.  She really loved it and wanted something similar.  The yarn I had in my stash is not quite appropriate for the same pattern, but I am going to make this.  Then I need to start a lovely linen summer scarf for Benjamin's grandmother.  I was hoping to have it finished before my trip, but there is no way that will happen.

How is everyone?  I am horribly behind on my favorite blogs... especially Peri!  I'm sorry my dear!  And I think a few people haven't written in a while... Lulu and Miranda?  I hope everyone is well... Bella, I've been thinking of you and I sent off a little card the other day.  Ruby, you're just the best, thanks for never forgetting about me.  I will try to get caught up and maybe even make some comments tomorrow night.  Have a lovely weekend, all...

In my head

So the dress definitely fit a little better than the beginning of the month, but not nearly well enough to wear in public.

I'm not sure what to do.

My brain is so dissatisfied with my weight.  But I have been writing and griping about this for years. YEARS.  I have lost years of my life to these stupid body dysmorphic thoughts.  And for what?  Literally nothing.  My weight has fluctuated in the same ten pound range since 2009.

And now, for the most part I am content with my life and cannot be bothered to focus the energy I need on restricting and losing weight.  It used to come naturally, especially when I was feeling frazzled and distressed and lost.  But now (thankfully??) I am gainfully employed, in a blissful relationship, and have a much less stressful life, I have lost the need for this stupid coping mechanism and cannot manage to control my weight in a healthy manner.

I assume that I will encounter periods in my life when I will lean on my eating issues to cope with stress and difficult times.  I will not be surprised in the slightest.  But for now, I guess I should be grateful that I am generally feeling ok, even if I do think I am too fat.

In other news, I have been a bit ill in the tummy department.  I have had digestive distress for about a month so I finally went to the doctor and they are running tests.  I think everything will be fine, but it will be good to have it sorted out.  And would you believe that even after a month of that, I have yet to lose a pound?  It's a cruel world, I tell you.

Hmm, I also ran a 5k this morning in just over 25 minutes, so I was pleased with that.  And I am definitely running a marathon in September.

And Benjamin arrives this week - we are going to California/Oregon/Washington and I anticipate we will have a splendid time together.  I am so excited to just see his smile and breathe him in on Thursday.

Maybe I should think about closing this blog... I don't know... I love reading everyone else's blogs, but I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to contribute at this point...

Maybe I'm just feeling particularly weird today since it's the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance (and presumably her death)...

Stubborn

January is gone already.

My resolve for making changes has not waned, but the results have not appeared.

I finished one month of Insanity, started practicing yoga more regularly (1-2 times per week), and began marathon training.  And yet, despite the fact that I am getting strong, I am not getting thinner.  I have not lost a single pound.

I can't take it.

I am leaving on Tuesday night for France.  It's just for a long weekend.  Yes, it is extravagant, but people in love do such silly things.  I am dreading facing my boyfriend in such a state.  He is so beautiful and in such good shape.  He deserves an equally attractive partner.

The only way I will lose anything by then is skipping most meals and drowning myself in caffeine for a few days.  

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I think I can handle that for the rest of the week except for Saturday, when I must go on my long run (9 miles this week I think?)

I have been thinking about a lot of you lately.  Miranda of course, with her surgery.  Peri with her accident.  Lulu with her broken heart.  Ruby in treatment.  Bella who I just want to scoop up and hug. Isobel, who popped back onto the blog and then out again.  Piggy with her job troubles and upcoming trip to San Diego. Eloise, who left her blog ages ago but still keeps in contact via Facebook and tumblr.  Mich, well because she's Mich!  AnnaMaria with her difficult studies and plans for London.  Avy meandering the streets of my beloved Paris.  I think of you all, often.  Truly I do.

I need to get back to this blog more often.  It's the only way I will ever maintain some self control.

Excited?

Even though I should be filled with excitement and warm and fuzzy feelings, for the past few days, I have not felt anything like that.  Benjamin is arriving in nine days and all I can think about is how massive I look and feel.

So much for being in a good headspace.

At least I have nine days to sort this out and maybe lose a bit.

My weight is finally going down a little bit, slowly but surely.

I am feeling a bit stressed, as my current job (I am filling in as a receptionist at the veterinary practice where I always worked during college/before grad school) is kind of insane AND my job offer is kind of on the rocks.  Basically, I failed the civil service requirements for the position (it's the state-level HR who decides that, even though it is the county that is hiring me).  So, my future boss's solution was to propose to his personnel department that they change the job title and experience requirements (they counted me as being 8 months shy of having the required work experience) so that it will be a sure thing.  As long as the county government approves the change on November 13th, I will begin working under a provisional basis on December 5th.  Then, the position must be publicly posted.  The only thing that could lose me this position would be if a veteran applies for it during that provisional period.  The chances of that are slim, but essentially I could work in the position for three to four months and then lose it.  I am trying to stay hopeful without being excited.  On the upside, since I will not begin my new job before Benjamin arrives, I will have plenty of time to spend with him (the big downside being that my funds for entertaining him will be severely limited).

I stopped doing Insanity when I realized that I cannot waste all of the beautiful running weather we have been having.  I have been doing a fair bit of trail running and yoga with my friend who is training to be a yoga instructor.  Unfortunately, I have completely wiped out on the trail twice in the past few weeks - there are so many leaves!  It's hard to see where you are running, and on Thursday I went for a short, but intense run (a little over 4 miles total with the first and last miles at 5k race pace) and fell flat on my face somewhere at the end of the 4th mile. This weekend I was able to run some more and went hiking with my friend.  Today I ran another four miles, and I am feeling pretty good in that department.

Eating has been… ok?  I have been eating mostly three square meals.  I skip meals occasionally, mostly out of being busy rather than an actual effort to deprive myself of food.  With the exception of some very tempting Halloween candy at work for one or two days, I hardly eat there (kale salad, a piece of fruit, and LOTS of tea).  I know that going into the holiday season and in preparation for Benjamin's visit, I need to seriously cut back.  Today, after my run, I had a fairly large breakfast, but since I ate late, I may just skip lunch, stick to tea, and have dinner when I return from work.

Most of my clothes are fitting better again and I am feeling pretty positive in the body image department, which is a small miracle.  I still have some articles that I would like to fit better, and I would be MUCH happier if I was seeing ten pounds less on the scale each morning.  I need to remain level headed, since I know when I start this new job, I will be stressed and I want to try and avoid destructive behaviors.  Even though I am in a relatively good place at the moment, I know it does not take much to tip me to the negative side.  Even now, for example, I splurged on some fancy lingerie for when Benjamin is here, and while my friend came with me and I trusted her to give me her true and honest opinions, I felt horribly self conscious and thought to myself that I would look so much better if my thighs were that much smaller and I was X pounds lighter.  We all know that in most cases, if someone is attracted to you (of whichever gender) and you are wearing something provocative/nothing at all, they are rarely critical and are just excited at the prospect.  I know he won't judge me, so why can't I stop judging myself?

A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.