Sarah,
This email is to ask that you please move on and no longer contact me. I have rekindled my relationship with Sandra, and my energy and focus is in my relationship with her. Please respect my decision. There is no need to reply to this email.
Thanks,
Juan
Oh, and he cc'ed her. Her, as in his ex girlfriend who he was still with when we hooked up. The girl who he cheated on WITH ME.
fuck.
Showing posts with label Juan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Juan. Show all posts
Finally, a decent explanation
Time for the full story...
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/gisele-chemise.html
Any thoughts?
Oh, and since I am unfortunately unable to come to the bachelorette weekend, I got a little something to send along - two bottles of the Sofia Coppola sparkling wine for you all to share with Miss K while you're away! It's the least I could do, and I'll give them to Danielle this weekend.
-Sarah"
"Sounds good, but in the past, girls tend to each bring their own piece for the bride instead of just one. That way she has a good variety for the honeymoon."
"Maybe I'm mis-informed, but from the bachelorette parities I've been to, no serious gifts were ever given. From what I've read and attended, gifts at bachelorette parities are typically of the "gag" variety and are more for novelty and giggles than serious, luxurious gifts. Does anyone know if this is typically not the case? Maybe I just don't know.
I obviously want this to be a special time for K, but it seems like we are giving a lot of gifts (engagement, shower, bachelorette party, wedding). Which, when added to the expenses of actually being in the wedding (which as a bridesmaid, I was fully prepared for, and understand completely) it seems to be a lot. If everyone doesn't want to get something as a group, then I guess we should leave it up to individuals to decide whether or not they want to purchase a piece of lingerie and not make this feel obligatory.
I feel curmudgeonly bringing this up, but I think this concern needs to be voiced."
"Everything is personal preference. For me, K is an amazing friend who goes above and beyond to make every one of my wedding events special. She has mentioned to me more than once that she hasn't gotten any lingerie pieces, so I personally am going to make sure she gets more than one piece.
I personally don't see it as a hardship to do something for K that I know she'd do for me. Is it expensive? Sure. Does it make spending tight? Of course it does. But is seeing the joy on her face worth it? 100%. If you can't do it, then don't, but frankly you haven't been around much to hear what she's been looking for and would appreciate. So yeah, you're bringing up a point but missing the idea that it doesn't have to cost a million. Walmart, Target, Macys, etc... all have very affordable and beautiful items for lingerie. Doesn't have to be La Perla to be wonderful."
"Of course I want to do special things for K, she is a great friend to me and I want her to be very happy. Yes, I am not home much, I am in school and working full time, as well as having some serious personal issues in my life that haven't allowed me to travel. Beyond that I am living on student loans, which makes spending more than "tight" and I have a hard time gauging what exactly K is expecting from us, because she doesn't usually come off as a Target kind of girl. Not that that is a bad thing, I just know that she likes nice things and I don't want her to be disappointed with something she thinks isn't nice or that we didn't try hard enough (that's not very articulate, but I hope you get the point). So for me, sharing the cost of something is the most doable way to do it. In understand if other people don't want to do that.
Maybe I just find all of the ins-and-outs of weddings/etiquette/traditions very confusing and complicated?
So to wrap this up, I guess, its up to everyone to decide what they'd like to do, we don't have to go in on a group gift."
"I'm pretty sure at the bridal shower you were the one to tell me a group gift was not necessary. So I'm sorry for my confusion and lack of understanding now. There are plenty of cost effective places to buy lingerie and I'm sure K wouldn't be disappointed with anything that came with effort and heart.
Just an FYI, Macy's has some beautiful things that are in the $30-50 range. Not expensive at all but beautiful and they have weekly promotions for 20% off in addition to the sale. "
Ok, so that seems relatively tame, no? I was frank, but not rude, and I don't think I said anything bad about the bride, who is my friend.
On Friday night, I was supposed to get together with the bride, and two best girlfriends (one of whom is the maid of honor). The bride canceled out plans, so the rest of us planned to get together on Saturday morning instead. I meet my friends at the coffee shop, and give the maid of honor the sparkling wine and ask her if she has my dress. She proceeds to tell me (very gently, seeing as she is one of the kindest people in the world) that I have been booted from the wedding party. Initially, it is because K needs a bridesmaid who is more "present" (whatever that means). I am obviously very hurt, especially that a. the bride did not bother to deliver this news herself, and b. she did not even try to discuss it with me, or frame it in a kind way.
Needless to say, I come to find out through the maid of honor (God bless her wonderful heart), that K initially wanted her mother (a scary lady!) to deliver the news AND the real reason is because the boarding school friend showed her some kind of edited version of those emails! I gather she wanted to keep the present a surprise, so she must have showed all of the worse parts out of context and completely sabotaged me. I did not think that people in their mid-twenties had the capacity to act like this! I do not even know this girl, and while I have not been the most serving bridesmaid, why would she want to do such a thing? Furthermore, I STILL have not heard a thing from the bride, now five days later.
I am giving her until the RSVP date to try and contact me. Otherwise, I will decline the invitation, write a letter to explain myself and defend my character, and end our friendship. I know all of this terrible chatter about how awful I am is going on behind my back, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to wait until she decides to talk to me. And, I can just imagine that she is expecting me to grovel to her and apologize and beg to be in the wedding. The whole thing just makes me crazy! I was trying to organize a beautiful gift for her, how is that interpreted as being a bad person???
Anyway, bravo if you bothered to read all of that dramatic nonsense. I hope some resolution develops soon, because I hate being stressed over this.
As for my weight, I was just under 137 this morning - horrific. I am not more determined than ever, to get back down under 130, because if I end up attending this wedding, I need to be in top form. Under 125 would be preferable, but it is only four weeks away. I am going to begin my marathon training the first of July, however, and the heat makes my appetite disappear. Plus, my mother has been harping about how she thinks I spend too much money on food (in my defense, I bought a ton of groceries for Juan, and food here is just more expensive than back home). In all, I have a bunch of reasons not to eat.
I hope everyone else is having a much easier time, though I know the troubles in my life are pretty frivolous.
Teeny tiny update
I found out on Friday night that Juan is coming to visit me next week. He arrives Monday the eleventh. Saying I am shocked and nervous is the understatement of the century.
My friend is still missing, more than six weeks have gone by.
I have been running a bit, but not enough.
My weight is still out of control. I was steady at 135 yesterday but then I had Korean noodles for dinner, which I thought were rice but turned out to be wheat. My tummy is all swollen today. Definitely plan to hydrate, not eat, and go for a stress-shaking run.
P.S. It's national (international?) running day, so lace up!
P.P.S. Many thanks for continuing to read and comment, dear friends. I'll update you next week.
Playing catch-up
Not sure if anyone is really wondering what's going on around here, but I figured I should leave a little update since it has been weeks since I last posted.
The most important thing is that my friend Pauline is still missing. It was been over four weeks since she disappeared. The police and her family are still searching, but since I am far away, I am not really privy to all of the details. Please pray that she will return to her family soon.
School is finally finished up for the semester. I am not really sure how I survived finals week(s), but by some miracle I did and held on to my 4.0.
I have been working quite a bit - babysitting, the law firm, the yarn store, and then I am starting back at my research assistantship this week or next.
I am also knitting up a storm. I finished a lace hoodie last week that is so cute. When I finally get around to taking some photos, I'll get them up here. I am working on wedding presents, a birthday gift for my grandmother, a scarf for a customer, a hat for a friend, and a present for Lulu's daughter, among backlogged projects for Jeanne and Peri.
Just before Pauline went missing, Juan told me that we should stop talking. But when she disappeared, I really needed him. We have been communicating a lot, but I am sure nothing will come of it. He is in Las Vegas for the holiday weekend with his guy friends from high school. I know they are just drinking and gambling and blowing cash, but he has been texting me a lot. Friday night I was at a party that my roommate threw at my house and drank quite a bit (for the first time in more than a year) - we were texting the whole time. I said "te amo"- and he said "te amo" back. Probably means nothing because he was drunk. I guess I will see.
My weight has been up lately, steadily about 135. I am much more at ease at 130, and considering I really want to be somewhere between 118-124, I feel huge. I have not been running much, but I went yesterday and will get back into it when I get accustomed to my new summer schedule. And, I recently bought a piece of furniture, so I am not allowing myself to go grocery shopping for at least another week or two. My fridge is currently a desolate wasteland, which is great for my waistline.
The life is still kind of chaotic - sometimes I feel like I am not really living it, but its just happening. I don't even know how to explain it well. Nothing really seems to matter because my friend is missing.
To those of you who have left kind references/links to me over the past few weeks (Isobel and Impractical Shopper over at Je suis jalouse), it really does make me smile to know someone is thinking of me.
The most important thing is that my friend Pauline is still missing. It was been over four weeks since she disappeared. The police and her family are still searching, but since I am far away, I am not really privy to all of the details. Please pray that she will return to her family soon.
School is finally finished up for the semester. I am not really sure how I survived finals week(s), but by some miracle I did and held on to my 4.0.
I have been working quite a bit - babysitting, the law firm, the yarn store, and then I am starting back at my research assistantship this week or next.
I am also knitting up a storm. I finished a lace hoodie last week that is so cute. When I finally get around to taking some photos, I'll get them up here. I am working on wedding presents, a birthday gift for my grandmother, a scarf for a customer, a hat for a friend, and a present for Lulu's daughter, among backlogged projects for Jeanne and Peri.
Just before Pauline went missing, Juan told me that we should stop talking. But when she disappeared, I really needed him. We have been communicating a lot, but I am sure nothing will come of it. He is in Las Vegas for the holiday weekend with his guy friends from high school. I know they are just drinking and gambling and blowing cash, but he has been texting me a lot. Friday night I was at a party that my roommate threw at my house and drank quite a bit (for the first time in more than a year) - we were texting the whole time. I said "te amo"- and he said "te amo" back. Probably means nothing because he was drunk. I guess I will see.
My weight has been up lately, steadily about 135. I am much more at ease at 130, and considering I really want to be somewhere between 118-124, I feel huge. I have not been running much, but I went yesterday and will get back into it when I get accustomed to my new summer schedule. And, I recently bought a piece of furniture, so I am not allowing myself to go grocery shopping for at least another week or two. My fridge is currently a desolate wasteland, which is great for my waistline.
The life is still kind of chaotic - sometimes I feel like I am not really living it, but its just happening. I don't even know how to explain it well. Nothing really seems to matter because my friend is missing.
To those of you who have left kind references/links to me over the past few weeks (Isobel and Impractical Shopper over at Je suis jalouse), it really does make me smile to know someone is thinking of me.
A bit of a break
What a week.
I know that in reality I have very little to complain about. I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, friends, I'm pursuing a masters degree in the field of my choice, and am honestly quite blessed. My problems come from a serious lack of personal strength and independence.
Not that I am a totally weak person - it's just that I draw all of my strength from co-dependency, if that makes any sense. I am strongest when I am in a committed romantic relationship and my friends and family are near. When I feel supported, even when I am facing hardships, I face them head on. When I feel lonely and isolated, I feel and act completely incapable. I just know that if Juan was in my corner, I would be able to handle everything that life throws at me without a hitch - without him, I cannot be the best version of myself.
So this was midterms week, hence why I was quite absent from commenting and posting, for that matter. I had exams Monday and Wednesday, assignments, presentations, and a bunch of meetings and work to do for my research assistantship. On top of being stressed about schoolwork, finances constantly hang over my head. I found out this week that the professor I work for, who is the chair of my department, is no longer going to be the chair. He is being "demoted" to a normal faculty member, and thus there is a possibility that he will not be able to hire me as his research assistant next year. On top of that, he really wanted to find funding for me for the summer to work on a gigantic project - which I was thrilled about and relieved to have found a secure summer job. Now, everything is up in the air and it makes me so anxious. Couple those two things with being completely heartsick and I am a bit of a mess.
Juan and I had a "good week" - if you can call it such a thing. I know that everyone thinks I should just do my best to kick him out of my life and forget him, but for me that would never be the right thing to do. I need to be 1,000,000,000% sure that there is nothing there - and to me it is obvious that there are feelings left. I was able to say some things to him this week that I needed to say... about how I felt that I put too much pressure on him and I scared him away. I wanted to plan together so we would both be comfortable. I would no longer be scared of losing him and he would not feel so pressured to be serious. In classic Juan fashion, he listened to everything I had to say but did not give me a good feeling of how he felt back. Maybe this weekend I can get a better response from him. He keeps talking about how he has been thinking of visiting. He says he misses me. There is nothing more that I want than to see him. Even if it did not ultimately mean our reconciliation, we have not seen each other in nearly six months.
So weight/eating wise, I am also a bit of a mess. I had some happy/stressful days this week that led to me throwing caution to the wind and eating way too much. This morning I was a horrifically embarrassing weight. I did, however, run 9.3ish miles and felt pretty nauseous all day, so I have not eaten much. I am really hoping that tomorrow I will be back to 130 at least and then I can work harder at getting down from there.
After spending the rest of my day (after my run) in bed with a stomach ache, I decided to get dressed and go see The Artist. It was so delightful and the lead actress was so elegant and lithe and makes me want my hair to grow! I think I only need two more haircuts before all of the brown, dyed hair is gone (it grows in dark ash blonde, so I luckily don't have horrible roots) and my blonde hair will be back and I can grow a cute, fashionable bob. I want my legs to finally be thin a lovely looking in short hemlines. I will get there eventually, I know it. I could be this chic...
I know that in reality I have very little to complain about. I have a roof over my head, a family who loves me, friends, I'm pursuing a masters degree in the field of my choice, and am honestly quite blessed. My problems come from a serious lack of personal strength and independence.
Not that I am a totally weak person - it's just that I draw all of my strength from co-dependency, if that makes any sense. I am strongest when I am in a committed romantic relationship and my friends and family are near. When I feel supported, even when I am facing hardships, I face them head on. When I feel lonely and isolated, I feel and act completely incapable. I just know that if Juan was in my corner, I would be able to handle everything that life throws at me without a hitch - without him, I cannot be the best version of myself.
So this was midterms week, hence why I was quite absent from commenting and posting, for that matter. I had exams Monday and Wednesday, assignments, presentations, and a bunch of meetings and work to do for my research assistantship. On top of being stressed about schoolwork, finances constantly hang over my head. I found out this week that the professor I work for, who is the chair of my department, is no longer going to be the chair. He is being "demoted" to a normal faculty member, and thus there is a possibility that he will not be able to hire me as his research assistant next year. On top of that, he really wanted to find funding for me for the summer to work on a gigantic project - which I was thrilled about and relieved to have found a secure summer job. Now, everything is up in the air and it makes me so anxious. Couple those two things with being completely heartsick and I am a bit of a mess.
Juan and I had a "good week" - if you can call it such a thing. I know that everyone thinks I should just do my best to kick him out of my life and forget him, but for me that would never be the right thing to do. I need to be 1,000,000,000% sure that there is nothing there - and to me it is obvious that there are feelings left. I was able to say some things to him this week that I needed to say... about how I felt that I put too much pressure on him and I scared him away. I wanted to plan together so we would both be comfortable. I would no longer be scared of losing him and he would not feel so pressured to be serious. In classic Juan fashion, he listened to everything I had to say but did not give me a good feeling of how he felt back. Maybe this weekend I can get a better response from him. He keeps talking about how he has been thinking of visiting. He says he misses me. There is nothing more that I want than to see him. Even if it did not ultimately mean our reconciliation, we have not seen each other in nearly six months.
So weight/eating wise, I am also a bit of a mess. I had some happy/stressful days this week that led to me throwing caution to the wind and eating way too much. This morning I was a horrifically embarrassing weight. I did, however, run 9.3ish miles and felt pretty nauseous all day, so I have not eaten much. I am really hoping that tomorrow I will be back to 130 at least and then I can work harder at getting down from there.
After spending the rest of my day (after my run) in bed with a stomach ache, I decided to get dressed and go see The Artist. It was so delightful and the lead actress was so elegant and lithe and makes me want my hair to grow! I think I only need two more haircuts before all of the brown, dyed hair is gone (it grows in dark ash blonde, so I luckily don't have horrible roots) and my blonde hair will be back and I can grow a cute, fashionable bob. I want my legs to finally be thin a lovely looking in short hemlines. I will get there eventually, I know it. I could be this chic...
So anxious
Yesterday turned out to be just a really weird day.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
Broken Record
The energy to write has been totally escaping me as of late - in fact, the energy to do much else but school work (of which I am obligated) and sleep and eat has been about all there is.
I spent the weekend with my brother in Seattle. I had a truly lovely time, ate without worrying about being judges or having immense thoughts of self-loathing. My brother is also a vegan, and he treated me all weekend - sushi, lots of yummy soy lattes, lunch in a Rastafari cafe, dinner a fancy vegan bistro in Downtown Seattle, strudel in a sweet Scandanavian settlement town, and other tasty things. We wandered through a zoo, rode the ferry, traipsed all over Seattle and several quaint bay-side island towns and laughed a lot. I am pretty close with my younger brother and I miss him a lot now that he is across the country. It was a good weekend, but rather than returning refreshed and relaxed, I just feel awful now.
I was hoping Juan would make it to the airport on Friday during my layover. We talked on Friday morning, and classic Juan, he waited until Friday to realize he truly wanted to come and by the time it was "too late" for him to get off work. I know in my heart that if her really, really wanted to see me, he could have called in sick. Or better yet, he could have flown to Virginia sometime in the past six weeks to see me. I am completely delusional when it comes to holding out with a glimmer of hope.
But, as I may have mentioned, he is still holding my belongings hostage. Again, these are not things to which I attach any sentimental value, but I mailed him his stuff the week we broke up, and these things belong to ME. So, in a moment of desperation the other night, I sent one of his younger sisters, who I have never met, a message on Facebook, purely with the hope that she could influence him enough to get him to send the package. He has been ignoring about 80% of my attempts to contact him, so I was at a loss of what to do. I figured mentioning to his sister would be less embarrassing than having my dad call him. I finally got Juan on the phone yesterday afternoon to tell him that I had messaged his sister and he totally lost it. He was so angry - and next to nothing raises emotion at him, so I know he was truly upset with me. I guess he just thought it was totally out of line and does not want his family involved. Its strange because we were together for so long and I always felt he might be embarrassed of me, and that why I had only met him mom and never any of his siblings or dad. He initially just kept saying, "Are you kidding me?" and then hung up. I called him back, tearful as always, and told him that I had no idea what else to do, since it has been so long and he always ignores me. He said I needed to be patient. I told him that I did not recognize this person who just does what he wants without any accountability and no regard to my feelings, especially after having claimed to love me for so long. He just said he can do what he wants. I told him he would be alone if he lived his life like that, and he said that was fine. Absolutely unbelievable. I cried for a few minutes and ended up a few minutes late to work. I cried at my desk for a bit when my boss was away from her office.
Last night, I wallowed depressed as ever, ate ice cream and cried and wasted my whole night, not doing any schoolwork whatsoever.
Today has been similar, I slept in really late and have been completely unproductive. I have eaten WAY too much than is necessary even for a normal person, and given my sedentary day, it is completely inexcusable. Finally, I am not in the least bit hungry, I just feel empty and sad, so I am not eating anything for dinner and I think I am going to just stay locked away instead of going to the party my roommates are throwing upstairs.
The most incredible thing is that when I started this blog, so many months ago - back in 2010 - it was several months after Juan and I had broken up initially and I basically felt like I do now. I felt directionless and sad - the only thing I was sure of was going to work each day (for now I have replaced that we school and schoolwork and another job/possibly two). I have no idea where my life is going. I am not one of those wildly independent, strong people, who can live life companionless. I need someone by my side, in my corner, not to necessarily help me with every little thing, but to know that I have a strong foundation that will never shake. Instead, the man who said I was his everything and who wanted to marry me, gets to move on with his perfect life and leave me gasping for air. My chest literally hurts just to think of it. Even worse when I get overwhelmed and cry.
I am sorry to write such horribly depressing things. And I am sorry that I come across as ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life - a roof over my head, plenty of food to each (even on a "broke" grad student budget), a loving family (despite its flaws), a research assistant position, somewhat affordable education, another job, a car, and a handful of truly wonderful friends (including blogging friends)... I know I am not completely deprived.
I just feel like my heart will never ever recover from this, that I can never trust anyone with my heart - it makes me not want to ever try to find love, to have children, to be around people who are in love... I have no idea how to reconcile the fact that I know, as a person, I need a companion, but the thought of ever going through this again is enough to turn me off to everything. How does someone whose very livelihood depend on companionship prepare themselves for a life of being alone? And I know that everyone will say, you have to learn from this, there is someone, somewhere who will love you unconditionally and so strongly that none of this will matter in the end. Well, the fact is that I do not believe that for a second. Sure there are people who break up, get divorced, and find love again - but no one admits to the fact that there are also a ton of people who never find anyone else! That chance at love was the one, there is not going to be another. Then what?
Sorry for rambling on and on. Hopefully this awful feeling that keeps my appetite at bay will stick around long enough for me to lost some serious pounds in the next month or so. I am consistently between 130.something and 131.something every morning. I plan to start running again tomorrow or Monday, mainly because I know the endorphins help and being lazy disgusts me. I should have been down to 118 ages ago, its embarrassing.
Thank you for checking in on me, those of you who have. And just for kicks, I have a few pictures from the weekend...
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| This was a 3300lb walrus named ET |
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| Sea otters are my absolute favorite |
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| It's only me at the zoo |
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| The full skyline of Seattle, space needle and all... it looks so small from far away! |
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| A view of Seattle from the ferry |
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| Pikes Market |
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| Yarn porn! |
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| The original Starbucks |
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| Pikes Market sign |
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| This was from a beautiful map shop |
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| I asked the barista to give me his best latte art, and he made a little devil on my soy latte |
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| The lovely town of Poulsbo |
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| More Poulsbo |
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| My brother put up with a lot of yarn shopping - this was The Churchmouse in Bainsbridge, WA |
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| Bainsbridge |
Hello 2012
Sorry for the dramatic tone for my last posts. The last days of 2011 we a complete disaster, to put it simply.
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
As I mentioned in my last post, I had been counting down the days since September to when I would see Juan again. I wanted to visit him at Thanksgiving, but he thought it was not a good idea because he had to work and I would have to spend so much money on a plane ticket. During the Black Friday sales, we found super-cheap tickets from Washington DC to Los Angeles and we both made our purchases. He was set to arrive on the 30th and leave January 8th. My ticket is for the weekend just before Valentine's Day.
On Wednesday, Juan explained that he had a meeting with his boss and human resources and was unsure of why they needed to meet with him. I assumed he just needed to fill out some paperwork, but late at night I received a cryptic text that said something like "I have great news but I don't know what to do :-/" As you can imagine, I was on edge all the next morning. Finally, I heard from him around two in the afternoon, and he explained that his boss offered him a huge promotion, but in order to take it, he would have to be in Chicago today. We discussed it, and obviously the promotion was the right choice, but that does not mean I was not devastated. Our relationship has been under so much stress lately because of the distance and not seeing each other for so many months. Even now, we still do not have a plan for seeing each other. I am hoping that he calls me tonight and we arrange for me to go out there this weekend and stay for most of the week, even if he has to work. I just miss him so much.
I am terribly afraid that this job is going to make him so busy - he is already consumed with it and barely has time for me - that he won't have time for our relationship at all. And, he was planning to move here this summer, which obviously will not happen, thus not only delaying us being in the same place, but undeniably delaying our engagement. I have this horrible feeling the whole thing will snowball, but I am trying to keep my head above water.
Needless to say, my New Year's Eve (my absolute favorite holiday) was terribly depressing. I cried and watched movies with my cat. I barely moved from the bed to my couch and back again.
Today, I am feeling much better - I went to my first of twenty Bikram yoga sessions with the Groupon Juan bought me for a studio just a few miles from my house. It was insanely intense, hot, and sweaty. Yoga for 90 minutes in a 105 degree room... phew! I have done that kind of yoga, and some others, but never anything this difficult. Even when its over (there is no way I can afford to keep going, as their drop in classes are $18 and the unlimited monthly passes are $125/mo - my 20-class pass was only $40) I hope to keep practicing yoga with youtube videos and such. Tomorrow, I am going to go for my first run in two weeks. Hopefully, it will not be too cold - if so, I need to just suck it up and get my ass in gear. Taking a break was good for me, my leg finally feels normal.
And in relatively good news, I was 130.4 this morning (129.4 after breakfast/hydrating/sweaty yoga!) - my dreaded holiday weight gain already gone. I'm hoping that after that class and eating super clean today (a persimmon and green tea for breakfast, homemade hummus with "low-guilt" tortilla chips for a snack, lunch of a huge salad of romaine, broccoli slaw, roasted peppers, jicama, cucumber, avocado, and snap pea crisps with homemade lemon-tahini dressing, a square of 85% dark chocolate, my new gingerbread coffee, and lots of water) I will be under 130 tomorrow. I need to get into the 120s and stay there once and for all. I feel like my goal is attainable this year - 118. I think I can do it.
How was everyone's holiday? I am so behind on reading and commenting. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me sweet messages of support and love when I was feeling so devastated. You are all so kind and beautiful. Thank you for understanding.
I think I am going to make my list of resolutions tonight and post about that tomorrow. Anyone else?
Finals are over, time for the last weight loss push of the year
So, as I am sure you gathered from my title, I am finished with finals. I am currently sitting in "my" room at my parents' house with my kitty and my knitting.
My leg still is not 100% better, but I went for an hour-long walk yesterday and a 3 mile run today. I partied on Friday night like none other, so I need to be extra disciplined this week.
Friday was an absolute blast. I went to the faculty Christmas party at the school where I coached this past spring. It was so much fun to see my friends, get quite drunk (which I rarely rarely do) and dance my little tushie off. I was something like 129.8 the morning of the party and then obviously ate and imbibed that evening. This morning I was 131.6. I have eaten some toast, hummus, and coffee today - so with more coffee and some water, I should be able to get under 131 by tomorrow. Then, I am going to try my absolute hardest to drink water, eat veggies, and stay away from chocolate so I can be somewhere closer to 125 by Christmas. I will be please as long as I can be 125 by the 30th, when Juan arrives. Since I am going home on the 28th, I know I will barely eat that day and likely the 29th out of nerves, which should help. I will be really sad if I cannot make that goal.
2012 is finally going to be the year where I will be thin. I will get to 118 this year. I will be so busy/stressed this spring and trying to save money, thus I will get rid of extra stress with long runs and reduce my grocery bill by eating less. I am finally going to do it, and maintain it. I really do not want to have to diet for my wedding someday, and that means finally being thin and staying that way. 118 is my magic number. I will do it.
How is everyone? I am sort of enjoying home so far - things are relatively low-key at home and I simply have knitting, wrapping, and catching up with friends and family on my "to-do list."
I really hope I can do this girls. 125 by the 30th. I have 11 days. That does not seem like enough time, but I have to try.
One last thing, Juan helped me choose my outfit for the party via Skype, and when I was modeling, he asked me, "Have you lost weight?" Oh, those four beautiful, inquisitive words...
My leg still is not 100% better, but I went for an hour-long walk yesterday and a 3 mile run today. I partied on Friday night like none other, so I need to be extra disciplined this week.
Friday was an absolute blast. I went to the faculty Christmas party at the school where I coached this past spring. It was so much fun to see my friends, get quite drunk (which I rarely rarely do) and dance my little tushie off. I was something like 129.8 the morning of the party and then obviously ate and imbibed that evening. This morning I was 131.6. I have eaten some toast, hummus, and coffee today - so with more coffee and some water, I should be able to get under 131 by tomorrow. Then, I am going to try my absolute hardest to drink water, eat veggies, and stay away from chocolate so I can be somewhere closer to 125 by Christmas. I will be please as long as I can be 125 by the 30th, when Juan arrives. Since I am going home on the 28th, I know I will barely eat that day and likely the 29th out of nerves, which should help. I will be really sad if I cannot make that goal.
2012 is finally going to be the year where I will be thin. I will get to 118 this year. I will be so busy/stressed this spring and trying to save money, thus I will get rid of extra stress with long runs and reduce my grocery bill by eating less. I am finally going to do it, and maintain it. I really do not want to have to diet for my wedding someday, and that means finally being thin and staying that way. 118 is my magic number. I will do it.
How is everyone? I am sort of enjoying home so far - things are relatively low-key at home and I simply have knitting, wrapping, and catching up with friends and family on my "to-do list."
I really hope I can do this girls. 125 by the 30th. I have 11 days. That does not seem like enough time, but I have to try.
One last thing, Juan helped me choose my outfit for the party via Skype, and when I was modeling, he asked me, "Have you lost weight?" Oh, those four beautiful, inquisitive words...
Application time!
Yesterday, I was absolutely thrilled when I stepped on the scale and saw 127.6 (126.6 after my run!) staring back at me.
This morning, not as good, 128.0 first thing and 127.2 after my run.
It serves me right, seeing as I had a great day barely eating on Sunday, and yesterday I did not do nearly as well.
Luckily, I can refocus today and make tomorrow even better. And on the upside, I ran more than three miles both yesterday and this morning (in the 45 degree rain!!).
In case you're interested... here is what I wrote for my application (I know it isn't related to most of what I post on this blog, but honestly, a little change from reading about weight-woes is nice every once-in-a-while right?)
Feel free to leave feedback! Merci mes amies... I hope everyone has a lovely, happy, strong and controlled day. Get your bodies moving and get those endorphins flowing - they're the best for warding off the blues that seem to affect so many of us!
Update: Application officially submitted!!!
Personal Statement
Public health workers have the novel opportunity to treat populations and to help close the gaps in healthcare that arise for a myriad of reasons. I see the need for such professionals, and feel intensely drawn to a discipline and a field that aim to improve the health of populations. As an undergraduate, I was inspired by the work of Dr. Paul Farmer as I pursued my BA in communication and pre-medicine, hoping to continue on to a master’s degree in communication and then to medical school. During my first year in graduate school, I took a course in epidemiology, which reinvigorated my studies and changed my vision for the future.
While studying epidemiology, I grew to understand the complex web of factors that contribute to the movement of diseases, and knew that this was the concentration to pursue. I became aware that the incidence and prevalence of diseases among a group of people is the result of much more than germs. Genetics, socio-economic status, race, ethnicity, and environment each contribute to the health of a population. Understanding the root causes of disease allows public health professionals to determine the best courses of action to treat, limit transmission, and ultimately prevent new cases. Most importantly, the practical nature of public health studies encouraged me to go beyond simply theorizing about the best plan of action, and consider the real-world factors and limitations that determine treatment, prevention, and educational solutions.
During my studies in San Diego State University’s graduate program for communication, I researched the multifaceted communication issues within healthcare. I recognize that clear, effective communication has significant influence on patient understanding and compliance, public acceptance of health protocol, and the working relationships between organizations, doctors, patients, and public health entities. In San Diego I also worked as a health educator for the CASBIRT research project, spending many hours screening emergency room patients for drug, alcohol, and tobacco use as well as providing education on these substances and brief interventions. Additionally, during my college summers and over the past six months, I have been working for a veterinary practice. Even as a receptionist, I advise clients about the diseases that may afflict their pets as well as methods for testing, treatment and prevention. Through these experiences, my interests deepened as I cultivated knowledge and improved the communication skills necessary to help educate individuals on public health issues, such as alcoholism and the importance of vaccinations.
Ultimately, I intend that my education in epidemiology, combined with my interdisciplinary background and interests will allow me forge a career in public health. My highest aspiration is to acquire the knowledge and skills to aid mothers and infants struggling with issues such as HIV/AIDS transmission. I believe that my personal qualities, strengths, and experiences will allow me to make a meaningful contribution to the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University.
Scholarship Addendum
For the duration of my studies at San Diego State University I had the privilege and responsibility to be a teaching associate for a freshman-level public speaking course. While I had no prior teaching experience or training, I quickly discovered that I was up to the task of instructing, encouraging, and challenging my students. During each semester, I demonstrated my leadership skills through teaching six courses per week, with a total of seventy-five students. My students not only improved their research and writing skills throughout the semesters, but also became more comfortable within my classroom environment and their peers, which led to advancements in delivery.
Last year, I had the unique opportunity to work for the San Diego State Research Foundation CASBIRT program. This experience allowed me to see first-hand some of the challenges faced by patients and healthcare practitioners that ultimately become public health concerns as well stretched my perspective on public health issues. Working for this program has reaffirmed that a career in public health is the right choice for me. I believe that I am a suitable candidate for Columbia’s scholarship program because of my strong leadership abilities and insatiable yearning to make a difference.
500 words for Post-Grad goals
After completing my MPH, I eventually envision myself working for a larger organization, either on a national or international spectrum. Though working in humanitarian aid is my eventual goal, I feel it is important to gain experience in epidemiology by way of a smaller organization, such as a county or state department of public health. I believe that focusing on the health of smaller, local populations is equally noble and important as compared with work in developing nations. Furthermore, smaller scale operations provide unique opportunities for decision-making and responsibility that may not arise in extremely large organizations. Such foundational experience and understanding of the basic tenets of public health practice are essential components of becoming a well-rounded practitioner, which is another one of my objectives. Thus, immediately following the completion of this degree, I picture myself working for a local government’s department of public health.
Ultimately, I would love to be involved with projects that are directed toward the prevention of disease transmission between mothers and infants. My initial interest in disease transmission took root while reading about humanitarian aid organizations like Médecins Sans Frontières and Partners in Health. Since that initial awareness, my interest deepened while my friend, Nathan, spent nearly two years volunteering in rural Uganda through World Harvest Mission. As Nathan shared his experiences, I learned about the struggles of access to medicines, patient awareness and compliance, and malnutrition that are tied to the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Hearing Nathan’s stories merely provided a taste of the greater problem facing the global population, and I wish to dedicate my life toward finding practical solutions.
While I am unsure of the specific path that will lead me toward my niche in public health, I know that an MPH is a crucial step. In the end, I am inspired to help others, and I think that a career of service in public health is the perfect outlet. Thus, I see my future education at the Mailman School of Public Health as a foundational element of achieving my goals.
No sunshine today
Yesterday was a pretty good day, since I ran four miles with my dog Lucy and managed to see 129.8 on the scale (breaking 130 for real seems to still elude me).
Then, today, I am a full pound heavier. Seeing that on the scale honestly ruins my entire day. To make matters worse, taking car of my mom after her surgery is turning out to be pretty difficult, I'm struggling with the writing I have to do for this application, and Juan and I had a fight this morning. I was going to take Lucy for a run again, but not I'm just crying and do not want to go out. I ran Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday this week, so I think it is ok to take today off. I know I deserve the punishment for being so fat, but my heart just isn't in it this morning.
Fighting with Juan just makes me feel so cold inside. He never gets angry, and he was angry at me today - over something kind of insignificant. I suppose I won't eat anything though.
Rainy Day
I still really haven't gotten back into my running regimen. Last week I ran four times, but then this week it has been really rainy. Tomorrow, I need to just lace up my kicks and go once I am finished with my pet-sitting appointment.
My friend Pauline, from France, will be here on the 3rd of September. I am planning a trip to Montreal for labor-day weekend, which should be lovely. I have to work on Saturday, but after work, Pauline and I will drive up to my brother's, just north of Albany. Then we'll all head to Montreal to sight-see Sunday/Monday. I booked us a night at Le Westin for Sunday night. I have a feeling it is going to be a great little adventure.
Rainy day thinspiration...
Push
Juan is actually talking about coming to visit... I'll believe that when he buys a plane ticket.
Thank you for all of the positive comments about my little Louisette! She is so cute and she is fitting in extremely well around here. She is so comforting and snuggly :)
Yesterday, I managed to wear my size 27 (4) Lucky Brand jeans and they were actually loose! I haven't worn those very many times since I bought them because they were always really tight. For once, I think I looked pretty good. Today, I was 132.8... I need to break 130! So for now, I need some serious thinspo...
Je suis rentrée
I am terribly sorry for the absence, but I am finally back from my trip to California for the wedding. I forget how much I mentioned it on here, but my friend from graduate school hired me to bake for her wedding outside of Sacramento. My goal was to be 130 pounds or less by the time I left, but I only got down to about 131.8-132.6.
I weighed 133.6 this morning, which all things considered, is not completely horrible. Now, I just need to work extra hard to get down to the 120s.
As for the wedding - it was amazing! My friend, the bride, looked absolutely ravishing. Exhibit a.
My friend is so beautiful and slender. She was the loveliest bride I have ever seen.
My part of the wedding - the cake - came out awesome too! I will have photos soon. I made 100 red velvet cupcakes with vanilla bean buttercream, 100 carrot cake cupcakes with rum-soaked raisins and orange blossom cream cheese frosting, a 6-inch, 3 layer lemon cake with lemon buttercream and chocolate ganache, and an apple pie... and all of it was vegan! Everyone loved the cakes and as a whole, the wedding was a total success.
During the reception, Juan texted me to say that he really wanted me to come visit and that he would buy me a plane ticket for Sunday. I wish he hadn't procrastinated, because the fares out of Sacramento (he lives in OC) were $600 for the next day and he needed me to fly from SFO (which was impossible). It's such a shame, considering a. I invited him as my +1 and he could have loved the wedding, and b. I was only about 500 miles way, as opposed to my usual 3,000. We stayed in touch constantly the whole time I was there, he was acting so boyfriend-ly. Then, last night, he was all cranky and touchy. This is the part I hate. Why can't we just cut out all of this bullshit and be together? And why don't I have enough self-respect to stop him from stringing me along?
Anyway, I need to get my day going - I slept until 10am because I am jet-lagged and I should try to do something productive. Definitely no running today - the humidity is horrific. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Time for a little thinspiration...
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on