So I have had two meetings with my nutritionist. I am not absolutely positive that seeing her is worth all of the money I am paying out of pocket, but she is helping me find coping strategies and approach weight loss in a healthy way. When I talk to her it is like therapy, so perhaps it is worth it after all.
In the first two weeks after my initial appointment, things were going really well. I have been eating a huge breakfast, which is a first for me. I take a big scoop of oatmeal and cook it with water, add fruit and hemp seeds, or nuts. I actually struggle to finish the bowl, but my nutritionist said I am not getting enough protein or fat in the morning, which is leaving me unbalanced and too hungry later. So far, so good - it has prevented my midday snacking and I have lost a few pounds (though that has stagnated, so we'll talk about that in a bit)... Additionally, she told me I need to just eat bigger meals in general. When she looked at my intake form, she said I was not eating enough, and that I should adjust to eat a bit more protein. She said I'm not protein deficient, but that I will be more satisfied if I eat more. I have been making an effort on this one, but I still have two big struggles - work lunches with colleagues and not planning ahead.
I saw her for another follow up appointment on Saturday and she suggested a few things. She gave me a long list of good products to keep on hand in the event that I need to throw together a quick meal if I didn't plan ahead well. She also thinks I should buy a rice cooker. The theory here is that I can cook a bowl of grains, like brown rice, quinoa, or a variety of others, and have it to base meals around for most of the week. Most of the advice she has given me so far is truly common sense, but for some reason I needed her to tell me. I know that when I try to lose weight, I go kind of insane. Additionally, seeing her has led me to open up a little bit about my weird eating patterns and stress to a couple of friends. Benjamin is already privy to much of that information, but it is good to have other people understand as well.
This week, I am also trying to find my running groove. After essentially two months of running infrequently and sporadically, I want to stay motivated through the winter and fall back in love with running. I had a good run on Sunday, and I plan to go in a little while to run on my favorite trail.
As for the rest of my life... well, Benjamin is arrive on the 21st, which is wonderful. My parents moved to the West coast, so it is a bit odd to be left behind. I have been incredibly busy at work (Ebola has derailed everything!) and am trying to make sure I have down time and enough hours to a lot to knitting. I am in total elf mode, preparing for the upcoming holidays.
That is the long and short of it. My life is pretty stable, for the most part, since I have my little house and job and weekly activities. I just need to put some attention into being kind to myself and taking care of my body. Seems simple, right?
Oh, and I am not pregnant.
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
All over the place
My life is all over the place right now. Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...
Let's go back to the half-marathon in June. To be honest, it was a complete disaster! I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces. My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable. No, I just had pain everywhere. Everywhere. By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail. Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race. So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there. Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up. By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running. I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20. My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.
Since the race my training has been going ok. Not great, but I am making my way through the program. I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area. I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes. Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7. I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012. I have lost speed on my regular easy runs. I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work. I guess time will tell.
At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible. We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes. Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine. The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple. We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.
Work has been going well. My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed. I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency. It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens. (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel. While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community. When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible. When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis. I find that encouraging!)
And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline. I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high. After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now. Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love. She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder. I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car. I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum. I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained. It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it). I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it. But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am? I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.
Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful. Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her. And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding. She was there with her new baby and husband. And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse. I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me. I cried before I went to the party. I am so embarrassed.
On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night. I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault. While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution? Drown my feelings in food! This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television. Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food? With my body? Why???
So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.
Let's go back to the half-marathon in June. To be honest, it was a complete disaster! I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces. My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable. No, I just had pain everywhere. Everywhere. By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail. Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race. So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there. Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up. By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running. I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20. My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.
Since the race my training has been going ok. Not great, but I am making my way through the program. I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area. I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes. Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7. I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012. I have lost speed on my regular easy runs. I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work. I guess time will tell.
At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible. We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes. Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine. The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple. We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.
Work has been going well. My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed. I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency. It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens. (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel. While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community. When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible. When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis. I find that encouraging!)
And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline. I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high. After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now. Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love. She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder. I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car. I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum. I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained. It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it). I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it. But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am? I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.
Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful. Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her. And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding. She was there with her new baby and husband. And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse. I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me. I cried before I went to the party. I am so embarrassed.
On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night. I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault. While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution? Drown my feelings in food! This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television. Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food? With my body? Why???
So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.
A long overdo update
So my last post was a little alarming, I know. I am sorry. I mean, I know I am allowed to write whatever I please around here, but my last post was written in a moment of frustration and haste after seeing some friends last weekend.
I just could not believe how good some of my friends looked - and by good, I mean thin... I have amazing, lovely, beautiful (inside and out!) girlfriends from college, and I have always viewed them all that way, no matter what size they happen to be. But after not seeing them for months and months, I just felt so large and inadequate.
I am going to see a gastroenterologist on Monday afternoon. I have been having some sort of minor but persistent digestive distress since the end of March and I am finally going to see a specialist. I saw my normal doctor and his tests revealed nothing in particular, so he said if I still was not better, I should see a specialist. Well, more than a month later I am finally getting around to it, since the symptoms are interfering with my marathon training. I am hoping he is able to give me some answers and maybe even explain my unexplained weight gain. I have not gained that much, but I find it odd that I spent three months in Europe eating whatever I wanted and gained about 2 pounds. I come home and eat healthier and vegan and I am now was the tippy tippy top of my weight range. I have gained 5-6 pounds more. I am 20 pounds over my ideal weight (writing that makes me SO sad) and about 12 over my easy-to-maintain-I-feel-much-better-about-myself weight. I just hope I get some answers. My clothes are tight and I just don't feel good. And I am no where close to underweight, so from a health perspective there is no reason that I should not lose weight.
Anyway, I am running a half marathon in the morning. I am not sure how it is going to go - I have been marathon training for about a month, but this is a little early in my plan to run a half. It just seemed like a fun race and would only be slightly longer than what I had planned for this weekend. I know I will be able to finish the course, but I would be shocked if I run it in under 2 hours.
I am leaving for France in two weeks, which is exciting. I have almost six whole days to spend with Benjamin and it will be lovely as usual, I suspect. We are on a little adventure to a surprise location when I arrive, and all I know is I need to bring my bathing suit... ughhhhh... I am excited to be in the sunshine and perhaps be laying on a beach (I don't really know, after all) but I am NOT excited about having to display that much of myself in public. But, I need to just gather my wits about it - it's not worth ruining a perfectly good vacation over stupid body negativity.
I am hoping that the doctor ends up putting me on some kind of special regimen that a) my symptoms will stop/improve and b) I will lose some weight before my trip. Regardless, I have two weeks to try and just lose even a few pounds to mentally make myself feel better, even if the physical change is imperceptible to most.
And what else is new? I have been happily busy at work (I really do enjoy my job) and am trying to squeeze in marathon training (even 5:20am wake-up calls to run 9 miles before work!) and knitting. I am making a lovely t shirt right now. I hope to make some serious progress on it tonight/tomorrow so that maybe it will be finished before I leave. Then I need to finish the sleeves on a striped cardigan that has been lingering in my knitting pile - the sweater is lovely but I just have not been able to find the motivation to finish the sleeves! After that, I have two big projects to start, which I might to simultaneously - one is a sweater for Pauline's grandmother. I knit myself a blue pullover last summer for wearing at the beach on cool days. She really loved it and wanted something similar. The yarn I had in my stash is not quite appropriate for the same pattern, but I am going to make this. Then I need to start a lovely linen summer scarf for Benjamin's grandmother. I was hoping to have it finished before my trip, but there is no way that will happen.
How is everyone? I am horribly behind on my favorite blogs... especially Peri! I'm sorry my dear! And I think a few people haven't written in a while... Lulu and Miranda? I hope everyone is well... Bella, I've been thinking of you and I sent off a little card the other day. Ruby, you're just the best, thanks for never forgetting about me. I will try to get caught up and maybe even make some comments tomorrow night. Have a lovely weekend, all...
I just could not believe how good some of my friends looked - and by good, I mean thin... I have amazing, lovely, beautiful (inside and out!) girlfriends from college, and I have always viewed them all that way, no matter what size they happen to be. But after not seeing them for months and months, I just felt so large and inadequate.
I am going to see a gastroenterologist on Monday afternoon. I have been having some sort of minor but persistent digestive distress since the end of March and I am finally going to see a specialist. I saw my normal doctor and his tests revealed nothing in particular, so he said if I still was not better, I should see a specialist. Well, more than a month later I am finally getting around to it, since the symptoms are interfering with my marathon training. I am hoping he is able to give me some answers and maybe even explain my unexplained weight gain. I have not gained that much, but I find it odd that I spent three months in Europe eating whatever I wanted and gained about 2 pounds. I come home and eat healthier and vegan and I am now was the tippy tippy top of my weight range. I have gained 5-6 pounds more. I am 20 pounds over my ideal weight (writing that makes me SO sad) and about 12 over my easy-to-maintain-I-feel-much-better-about-myself weight. I just hope I get some answers. My clothes are tight and I just don't feel good. And I am no where close to underweight, so from a health perspective there is no reason that I should not lose weight.
Anyway, I am running a half marathon in the morning. I am not sure how it is going to go - I have been marathon training for about a month, but this is a little early in my plan to run a half. It just seemed like a fun race and would only be slightly longer than what I had planned for this weekend. I know I will be able to finish the course, but I would be shocked if I run it in under 2 hours.
I am leaving for France in two weeks, which is exciting. I have almost six whole days to spend with Benjamin and it will be lovely as usual, I suspect. We are on a little adventure to a surprise location when I arrive, and all I know is I need to bring my bathing suit... ughhhhh... I am excited to be in the sunshine and perhaps be laying on a beach (I don't really know, after all) but I am NOT excited about having to display that much of myself in public. But, I need to just gather my wits about it - it's not worth ruining a perfectly good vacation over stupid body negativity.
I am hoping that the doctor ends up putting me on some kind of special regimen that a) my symptoms will stop/improve and b) I will lose some weight before my trip. Regardless, I have two weeks to try and just lose even a few pounds to mentally make myself feel better, even if the physical change is imperceptible to most.
And what else is new? I have been happily busy at work (I really do enjoy my job) and am trying to squeeze in marathon training (even 5:20am wake-up calls to run 9 miles before work!) and knitting. I am making a lovely t shirt right now. I hope to make some serious progress on it tonight/tomorrow so that maybe it will be finished before I leave. Then I need to finish the sleeves on a striped cardigan that has been lingering in my knitting pile - the sweater is lovely but I just have not been able to find the motivation to finish the sleeves! After that, I have two big projects to start, which I might to simultaneously - one is a sweater for Pauline's grandmother. I knit myself a blue pullover last summer for wearing at the beach on cool days. She really loved it and wanted something similar. The yarn I had in my stash is not quite appropriate for the same pattern, but I am going to make this. Then I need to start a lovely linen summer scarf for Benjamin's grandmother. I was hoping to have it finished before my trip, but there is no way that will happen.
How is everyone? I am horribly behind on my favorite blogs... especially Peri! I'm sorry my dear! And I think a few people haven't written in a while... Lulu and Miranda? I hope everyone is well... Bella, I've been thinking of you and I sent off a little card the other day. Ruby, you're just the best, thanks for never forgetting about me. I will try to get caught up and maybe even make some comments tomorrow night. Have a lovely weekend, all...
In my head
So the dress definitely fit a little better than the beginning of the month, but not nearly well enough to wear in public.
I'm not sure what to do.
My brain is so dissatisfied with my weight. But I have been writing and griping about this for years. YEARS. I have lost years of my life to these stupid body dysmorphic thoughts. And for what? Literally nothing. My weight has fluctuated in the same ten pound range since 2009.
And now, for the most part I am content with my life and cannot be bothered to focus the energy I need on restricting and losing weight. It used to come naturally, especially when I was feeling frazzled and distressed and lost. But now (thankfully??) I am gainfully employed, in a blissful relationship, and have a much less stressful life, I have lost the need for this stupid coping mechanism and cannot manage to control my weight in a healthy manner.
I assume that I will encounter periods in my life when I will lean on my eating issues to cope with stress and difficult times. I will not be surprised in the slightest. But for now, I guess I should be grateful that I am generally feeling ok, even if I do think I am too fat.
In other news, I have been a bit ill in the tummy department. I have had digestive distress for about a month so I finally went to the doctor and they are running tests. I think everything will be fine, but it will be good to have it sorted out. And would you believe that even after a month of that, I have yet to lose a pound? It's a cruel world, I tell you.
Hmm, I also ran a 5k this morning in just over 25 minutes, so I was pleased with that. And I am definitely running a marathon in September.
And Benjamin arrives this week - we are going to California/Oregon/Washington and I anticipate we will have a splendid time together. I am so excited to just see his smile and breathe him in on Thursday.
Maybe I should think about closing this blog... I don't know... I love reading everyone else's blogs, but I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to contribute at this point...
Maybe I'm just feeling particularly weird today since it's the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance (and presumably her death)...
I'm not sure what to do.
My brain is so dissatisfied with my weight. But I have been writing and griping about this for years. YEARS. I have lost years of my life to these stupid body dysmorphic thoughts. And for what? Literally nothing. My weight has fluctuated in the same ten pound range since 2009.
And now, for the most part I am content with my life and cannot be bothered to focus the energy I need on restricting and losing weight. It used to come naturally, especially when I was feeling frazzled and distressed and lost. But now (thankfully??) I am gainfully employed, in a blissful relationship, and have a much less stressful life, I have lost the need for this stupid coping mechanism and cannot manage to control my weight in a healthy manner.
I assume that I will encounter periods in my life when I will lean on my eating issues to cope with stress and difficult times. I will not be surprised in the slightest. But for now, I guess I should be grateful that I am generally feeling ok, even if I do think I am too fat.
In other news, I have been a bit ill in the tummy department. I have had digestive distress for about a month so I finally went to the doctor and they are running tests. I think everything will be fine, but it will be good to have it sorted out. And would you believe that even after a month of that, I have yet to lose a pound? It's a cruel world, I tell you.
Hmm, I also ran a 5k this morning in just over 25 minutes, so I was pleased with that. And I am definitely running a marathon in September.
And Benjamin arrives this week - we are going to California/Oregon/Washington and I anticipate we will have a splendid time together. I am so excited to just see his smile and breathe him in on Thursday.
Maybe I should think about closing this blog... I don't know... I love reading everyone else's blogs, but I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to contribute at this point...
Maybe I'm just feeling particularly weird today since it's the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance (and presumably her death)...
Stubborn
January is gone already.
My resolve for making changes has not waned, but the results have not appeared.
I finished one month of Insanity, started practicing yoga more regularly (1-2 times per week), and began marathon training. And yet, despite the fact that I am getting strong, I am not getting thinner. I have not lost a single pound.
I can't take it.
I am leaving on Tuesday night for France. It's just for a long weekend. Yes, it is extravagant, but people in love do such silly things. I am dreading facing my boyfriend in such a state. He is so beautiful and in such good shape. He deserves an equally attractive partner.
The only way I will lose anything by then is skipping most meals and drowning myself in caffeine for a few days.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I think I can handle that for the rest of the week except for Saturday, when I must go on my long run (9 miles this week I think?)
I have been thinking about a lot of you lately. Miranda of course, with her surgery. Peri with her accident. Lulu with her broken heart. Ruby in treatment. Bella who I just want to scoop up and hug. Isobel, who popped back onto the blog and then out again. Piggy with her job troubles and upcoming trip to San Diego. Eloise, who left her blog ages ago but still keeps in contact via Facebook and tumblr. Mich, well because she's Mich! AnnaMaria with her difficult studies and plans for London. Avy meandering the streets of my beloved Paris. I think of you all, often. Truly I do.
I need to get back to this blog more often. It's the only way I will ever maintain some self control.
My resolve for making changes has not waned, but the results have not appeared.
I finished one month of Insanity, started practicing yoga more regularly (1-2 times per week), and began marathon training. And yet, despite the fact that I am getting strong, I am not getting thinner. I have not lost a single pound.
I can't take it.
I am leaving on Tuesday night for France. It's just for a long weekend. Yes, it is extravagant, but people in love do such silly things. I am dreading facing my boyfriend in such a state. He is so beautiful and in such good shape. He deserves an equally attractive partner.
The only way I will lose anything by then is skipping most meals and drowning myself in caffeine for a few days.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I think I can handle that for the rest of the week except for Saturday, when I must go on my long run (9 miles this week I think?)
I have been thinking about a lot of you lately. Miranda of course, with her surgery. Peri with her accident. Lulu with her broken heart. Ruby in treatment. Bella who I just want to scoop up and hug. Isobel, who popped back onto the blog and then out again. Piggy with her job troubles and upcoming trip to San Diego. Eloise, who left her blog ages ago but still keeps in contact via Facebook and tumblr. Mich, well because she's Mich! AnnaMaria with her difficult studies and plans for London. Avy meandering the streets of my beloved Paris. I think of you all, often. Truly I do.
I need to get back to this blog more often. It's the only way I will ever maintain some self control.
New year. New me?
A new year. A time to start over and make changes.
We do it every year, don't we? We decide to eat this, not eat that, adopt this new exercise regime, fit into these clothes, practice yoga, relax, save money...
I cannot say that I am immune. I made a list of resolutions with the usual suspects making the rounds. I think I am finally in a good, stable place in my young adult life that I can dedicate the time and energy it takes to losing the weight I want for good. I re-started Insanity, and my goal is to make it through to the end (I stopped just a bit short last summer). I am signing up for a marathon in May, so I will start training for that in February. Additionally, I have made a ton of travel plans, including another trip to France in February. Things with Benjamin as just so. damn good. He and his family allowed me to have an amazing holiday and I am constantly surprised by how smoothly this all operates. (And as a side note, I was able to see Pauline's grandmother and get everyone their presents after all. It was clearly painful for her but it was so good to see her.) He is not afraid of the future at all, he just makes plans. He already bought his plane ticket and took his vacation for May. We planned out our entire year of travel (you can all remember how it was like pulling teeth with Juan, and he could never commit to anything and barely wanted to communicate with me at all). I just cannot wait until May to see Benjamin. Four months is too long, and since I can barely afford the ticket, I feel like it is money well spent. I made a budget for the year so I can really make a good dent in my student loans. In fact, considering it is just the beginning of January, I feel like I am off to a great start and have plenty of momentum to carry me through.
But then, again, I am still dissatisfied with the same old, same old.
I came home from France about one pound higher than when I left.
Unfortunately, that one pound is at the utmost highest limit of my weight range. I literally want to crawl out of my skin and take on another body. Perhaps this constant discomfort will finally, finally lead me to reach my goal...
I found a food/weight diary from around the time when Juan broke up with me, January 2012, and I was so disciplined. I was comfortably under 130 pounds and eating in an extremely controlled manner. I have started my food diary again, but I know I am still eating too much to lose weight quickly. Reading my intake at the end of the day, however, is a wake up call... as is having to get on the scale and write that number down in black-and-white. I have to make a change. I am tired of being so unhappy and uncomfortable with this aspect of my life. Enough is enough.
Maybe I need to start recording it here too? I know that recording intakes/weights can be very triggering for some people, and that isn't my goal. Perhaps my little notebook is enough of a conscience for now. I do not want my blog or actions to impact anyone else.
This post is becoming such a rambling mess.
I promise that for the most part, I am feeling good. I am happy. I am settling in well with my job and things are amazing with Benjamin. I wish I had more social opportunities, since I live in a really rural area and only have a few friends here, but I can handle it. I am excited about Insanity and training for another marathon. I ran a 10k in France that went extremely well considering I had barely been running, so I'm excited to see how I can improve my marathon time with some dedicated effort. My travel plans are coming together - France in February/July/Christmas, and Benjamin is coming in May (we are going out to northern California and up to visit my brother in Seattle), August/September and November. It's just this one, final thing that is always nagging.
Why can't I just have the genetics/discipline/good fortune to not be fat?
My weight is finally going down a little bit, slowly but surely.
I am feeling a bit stressed, as my current job (I am filling in as a receptionist at the veterinary practice where I always worked during college/before grad school) is kind of insane AND my job offer is kind of on the rocks. Basically, I failed the civil service requirements for the position (it's the state-level HR who decides that, even though it is the county that is hiring me). So, my future boss's solution was to propose to his personnel department that they change the job title and experience requirements (they counted me as being 8 months shy of having the required work experience) so that it will be a sure thing. As long as the county government approves the change on November 13th, I will begin working under a provisional basis on December 5th. Then, the position must be publicly posted. The only thing that could lose me this position would be if a veteran applies for it during that provisional period. The chances of that are slim, but essentially I could work in the position for three to four months and then lose it. I am trying to stay hopeful without being excited. On the upside, since I will not begin my new job before Benjamin arrives, I will have plenty of time to spend with him (the big downside being that my funds for entertaining him will be severely limited).
I stopped doing Insanity when I realized that I cannot waste all of the beautiful running weather we have been having. I have been doing a fair bit of trail running and yoga with my friend who is training to be a yoga instructor. Unfortunately, I have completely wiped out on the trail twice in the past few weeks - there are so many leaves! It's hard to see where you are running, and on Thursday I went for a short, but intense run (a little over 4 miles total with the first and last miles at 5k race pace) and fell flat on my face somewhere at the end of the 4th mile. This weekend I was able to run some more and went hiking with my friend. Today I ran another four miles, and I am feeling pretty good in that department.
Eating has been… ok? I have been eating mostly three square meals. I skip meals occasionally, mostly out of being busy rather than an actual effort to deprive myself of food. With the exception of some very tempting Halloween candy at work for one or two days, I hardly eat there (kale salad, a piece of fruit, and LOTS of tea). I know that going into the holiday season and in preparation for Benjamin's visit, I need to seriously cut back. Today, after my run, I had a fairly large breakfast, but since I ate late, I may just skip lunch, stick to tea, and have dinner when I return from work.
Most of my clothes are fitting better again and I am feeling pretty positive in the body image department, which is a small miracle. I still have some articles that I would like to fit better, and I would be MUCH happier if I was seeing ten pounds less on the scale each morning. I need to remain level headed, since I know when I start this new job, I will be stressed and I want to try and avoid destructive behaviors. Even though I am in a relatively good place at the moment, I know it does not take much to tip me to the negative side. Even now, for example, I splurged on some fancy lingerie for when Benjamin is here, and while my friend came with me and I trusted her to give me her true and honest opinions, I felt horribly self conscious and thought to myself that I would look so much better if my thighs were that much smaller and I was X pounds lighter. We all know that in most cases, if someone is attracted to you (of whichever gender) and you are wearing something provocative/nothing at all, they are rarely critical and are just excited at the prospect. I know he won't judge me, so why can't I stop judging myself?
I am feeling a bit stressed, as my current job (I am filling in as a receptionist at the veterinary practice where I always worked during college/before grad school) is kind of insane AND my job offer is kind of on the rocks. Basically, I failed the civil service requirements for the position (it's the state-level HR who decides that, even though it is the county that is hiring me). So, my future boss's solution was to propose to his personnel department that they change the job title and experience requirements (they counted me as being 8 months shy of having the required work experience) so that it will be a sure thing. As long as the county government approves the change on November 13th, I will begin working under a provisional basis on December 5th. Then, the position must be publicly posted. The only thing that could lose me this position would be if a veteran applies for it during that provisional period. The chances of that are slim, but essentially I could work in the position for three to four months and then lose it. I am trying to stay hopeful without being excited. On the upside, since I will not begin my new job before Benjamin arrives, I will have plenty of time to spend with him (the big downside being that my funds for entertaining him will be severely limited).
I stopped doing Insanity when I realized that I cannot waste all of the beautiful running weather we have been having. I have been doing a fair bit of trail running and yoga with my friend who is training to be a yoga instructor. Unfortunately, I have completely wiped out on the trail twice in the past few weeks - there are so many leaves! It's hard to see where you are running, and on Thursday I went for a short, but intense run (a little over 4 miles total with the first and last miles at 5k race pace) and fell flat on my face somewhere at the end of the 4th mile. This weekend I was able to run some more and went hiking with my friend. Today I ran another four miles, and I am feeling pretty good in that department.
Eating has been… ok? I have been eating mostly three square meals. I skip meals occasionally, mostly out of being busy rather than an actual effort to deprive myself of food. With the exception of some very tempting Halloween candy at work for one or two days, I hardly eat there (kale salad, a piece of fruit, and LOTS of tea). I know that going into the holiday season and in preparation for Benjamin's visit, I need to seriously cut back. Today, after my run, I had a fairly large breakfast, but since I ate late, I may just skip lunch, stick to tea, and have dinner when I return from work.
Most of my clothes are fitting better again and I am feeling pretty positive in the body image department, which is a small miracle. I still have some articles that I would like to fit better, and I would be MUCH happier if I was seeing ten pounds less on the scale each morning. I need to remain level headed, since I know when I start this new job, I will be stressed and I want to try and avoid destructive behaviors. Even though I am in a relatively good place at the moment, I know it does not take much to tip me to the negative side. Even now, for example, I splurged on some fancy lingerie for when Benjamin is here, and while my friend came with me and I trusted her to give me her true and honest opinions, I felt horribly self conscious and thought to myself that I would look so much better if my thighs were that much smaller and I was X pounds lighter. We all know that in most cases, if someone is attracted to you (of whichever gender) and you are wearing something provocative/nothing at all, they are rarely critical and are just excited at the prospect. I know he won't judge me, so why can't I stop judging myself?
One month to go
Less than a month has passed since my last post, but much has changed...
I have one month to go before I return to the United States, and I am determined to make it worth while. Since I last wrote, I spent a weekend visiting friends in Munich and have returned to the beach (rough, I know). I started Insanity at the beginning of July, which was been going ok so far. This week is the "recovery week" and I am truly trying to rest. A lot of the jumping has been irritating my hips/hip flexors. Additionally, we have had some lovely, breezy weather the past few mornings, so I have been running. The combination is a bit much for my joints today, so I am taking some I unscheduled rest. Maybe if I feel good tonight, I will do the recovery video, as it really is less intense. I do not have a scale, but I am fairly certain that I am the same size as when I arrived... Meaning too heavy, obviously, but that is better than gaining. I think I am somewhere right around 140 lbs, which is my upper limit. My ultimate dream is to be 118, which seems forever from now. But, for the next three weeks I am trying to be extra disciplined in preparation to go back to Munich.
Which brings me to my next bit of news...
So Munich. Around the 18th of July, I ventured to Munich to visit Pauline's boyfriend (obviously he is not her boyfriend anymore, but they were dating/living together when she disappeared/died). We all had a lovely (and kind of crazy!) weekend together and because I arrived the night before everyone else, and left the afternoon after everyone else, I had the chance to spend some time with Benjamin, just the two of us. Well, after all of that, I guess if come as a great surprise to us both that it was incredibly difficult to part ways at the airport. The entire weekend I thought he was flirting with me, but then I just chalked it up to me being a little crazy and him being suuuuuuuuper nice. Au contraire... Since then we have been chatting and Skyping with great regularity and it is clear that he he very interested in me. I honestly cannot say enough good things about him. While the situation is unconventional, to say the least, I hope our friends will be ok with it. Pauline and I had a lot in common, so many is not so surprising that we like each other? And on top of that, Benjamin and I have shared this horrible, unspeakable experience together.... It's a very difficult thing to explain to someone, and frankly unless you have experienced it or something similar, I believe it is impossible to understand. S even in the face of great tragedy, I suppose we have been brought together.
So where does that leave me? And Allan? And Benjamin?
Well, last week, I called Allan and broke up with him. It was not my intention to end things over the phone while I was in Europe, but I also felt it unethical to perhaps get involved with someone else before tying up the loose ends with Allan. To say that he was angry and upset is a major understatement. I know we weren't together for long, but he felt very strongly about me. I have never broken up with anyone, so I hope I managed to do it in a kind way. Today, in fact, I am going to the post office to send him a small package... I knitted a sweater for his new little baby that should arrive any day ow, I bought her sweet little booties in Paris and a beautiful wallet for him in Italy. In addition, I wrote him a letter to explain some things and one fully alleviate some pain. I am so sorry to have hurt him, but I hope with some time he understands that this was inevitable and necessary. Maybe if we met five years in the future, it would be different. But the facts remain hat he is still married and having another baby, this week.
And in the meantime, Benjamin very very kindly bought me a plane ticket to go back to Munich on the 23 or August. I will be there ith him for a week, we will head to a party at our friends in Amboise (south of Paris) and then to Paris for a few days before I go home. It feels a bit dreamy in fact, and at the moment three weeks feels like an eternity. I must say, it feel so good to be all full of butterflies. I am nervous as all get out that after spending some more time ith me he will realize that A. I am not all that exciting/fun/cool/loveable and B. long distance relationships are a little crazy. Obviously, I will have to wait and see. But for now, I have stumbled on some good fortune and I am trying to enjoy it. He's a total catch... Smart, gorgeous, French, has a job and an apartment, nice family, so polite and maybe the kindest person I know. And we have a lot in common... We will see...
So what else?
I am just trying to not feel guilty about spending another month sans employment (I search every day and am constantly applying). I have a lot of down time to visit the beach and knit, which even though logically it makes me feel super guilty, I know that it is good for healing my soul and I have she rest of my life to work. I am also trying to let go of food and weight hangups, which is sort of-not really working. My head is still a mess, and there have been days where I refused to go to the beach be ause I did ot want to be seen in my bathing suit. But then yesterday I ran in my sports bra and spent the afternoon in my bikini... But then this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and cannot help but compare myself to my impossibly tiny host mother/aunt/cousins girlfriend... It's a constant mental back-and-forth. It hasn't really affected me eating, per se, which I guess is healthy. I et three square meals but no snacks (the French don't reply do snacking), and mostly vegetables and fruit. I am also eating bread and cheese, which I never do in the US, which is probably why I haven't lost anything. In preparation for Munich, I am going to exercise as much as I can... Insanity, running, swimming, and stick to salad and tea. I think I can do it. And even if I don't really lose weight I know it will make me feel better. Pauline was insanely petite, so I cannot help but compare myself to her too.
I have been reading everyone's blogs (though not watching vlogs because of my spotty Internet connection) but without Google reader I am finding it more difficult to comment... From my tablet, it irks, but from my phone (which is what I mostly use to read), I can't figure it out. I have been keeping up, though! Please don't feel ignored, friends.
I hope everyone is enjoying their summers... August always goes by in a flash for me, whether I am on vacation or working or anticipating a new school year... So no matter what you re doing, I hope you can pause and enjoy life for a little. As for those of you in wintertime down south, I'm not sur that all applies... Just have a cuppa, ok?
Much love.
Paris and Roma
Some of you might remember that I am taking a bit of an extended vacation this summer.
On the 5th of June I left for Paris. After a layover in Rekjavik, I arrived and settled in with my friend Pauline's family (she is my darling friend who went missing and was found dead last year). They put me up for the night and it was good to reconnect with them. I spent the next two days with friends from the States, showing them around and helping them navigate. They were nice enough to let me stay in their hotel too. I spent one more night with Pauline's family, and then went to my friend Benjamin's apartment until I left for Rome.
Benjamin and his girlfriend were so nice to put me up for ten days in their little flat. It was nice to just wander around all day and then reconnect in the evening to make dinner together and catch up. Benjamin was Pauline's best guy friend, and his girlfriend also knew her very well. We had a little reunion dinner of all of the friends of hers who are in Paris, and had a nice time catching up and remembering her. If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow my Instagram, you'll know I've been taking quite a few photos of my trip so far... My Instagram is sashoemaker if you are interested.
Right now, I am in Rome, however. A friend of mine was teaching a workshop and living in an apartment here for to weeks and invited me to tag along. He is a sculptor, and he and his friend ran a two week class of sculpting and learning about sculpture in Rome. The location of the apartment and the studio are both great and central. I was afraid I would never learn my way around Rome, as it is much more confusing than Paris, but in fact I have a decent handle on things now. Unlike Paris, where I just wandered without agenda, having done a lot of tourist things in the past, here I was on a mission for my first few days. I saw the Borghese Gallery, visited the Vatican, and the Colosseum/Palatine/Roman Forum all in three days. In between, I went to see great sculptures in a handful of cathedrals throughout the city. The students in the group were so much fun and it was great to hang out with them and not bother my friend all the time. They ranged in age from 22-55 or so, and had a wide variety of professions, and were from all over the world. Typical me, I had a few Mexican guys keeping me company until they left this morning. It was of course, flattering, but I miss Allan.
So what about food and exercise? Well, I've been eating more than usual at mealtimes, for sure. But, I have or been snacking whatsoever since I left the US. I have, on the other hand, not been running much (I was better with it in Paris, but Rome has been scorching and my days have been packed... I'll probably go tonight). I have no scale and brought mostly jersey dresses and things that don't show if I've gained, so I really have no idea. Have the miles and miles of walking in e heat balanced out the food and wine? I guess I should take some measurements today. That will help. My only trouble is that I have been eating wheat almost every day, which leaves me with a bit of a swollen belly. Regardless, I need to gauge. And, Allan and I are starting Insanity on July 5, when I am settled again in France. I know that will help a lot too.
Even though I've been eating and letting myself go a bit, I haven't been feeling too down. Maybe I'm just distracted a lot, and have had a lot of flattery from the guys around here... I don't know. I do know I am in no shape to be in a bathing suit on the 5th, but I'm trying to just keep myself generally relaxed. That is the whole reason I am here, after all. To distress and heal.
I hope everyone is well... My Internet availability has been sporadic, so I am quite behind on blogs. I managed to send out a few postcards to my lovely friends here, but Peri, I am missing your address and I sent you an email that you ignored! Over wise, LuLu, Mich, Ruby, and Cinnamon should have seen some mail by now. If I didn't send you one, don't feel left out... Is mainly just whose current addresses I was sure I had... And they cost a lot in the end! I send about 20 total, which is €0.95 each for postage and then the post card too! Yikes!
I am going to try and catch up on a bit of blogs reading today and hopefully will post again when I'm in France.
Much love <3
Where does the time go?
My it has been quite a while since I last spilled my feelings out around here. I have noticed a lot is going on with people, as usual, but I have merely been lurking silently in the background.
So what is new?
Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned. Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep. He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him. The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days. On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter. The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation. We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards. The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly. This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances, but I am glad it is working. He is truly so kind.
Enough of my gushing...
I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail. By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out. I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months. Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it. The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university. Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.
My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running. I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it. Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR. I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know). I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly. It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.
And how is everyone else doing? Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.
Just a teeny, tiny edit:
A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook. Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously... She would not be obese at a size 10. In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight. And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are. This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin. Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know? Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!
"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."
So what is new?
Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned. Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep. He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him. The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days. On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter. The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation. We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards. The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly. This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances, but I am glad it is working. He is truly so kind.
Enough of my gushing...
I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail. By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out. I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months. Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it. The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university. Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.
My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running. I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it. Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR. I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know). I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly. It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.
And how is everyone else doing? Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.
Just a teeny, tiny edit:
A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook. Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously... She would not be obese at a size 10. In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight. And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are. This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin. Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know? Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!
"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."
Nouvelle Ans
I am trying to enjoy my last weeks of vacation time before school begins (for the last semester!) but I am still feeling very unsettled. 2013, you must be better than 2012. Truly, you must.
So what good things have happened so far this year? Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs. Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend. On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego. I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010. It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun. (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak. I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9. It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over. I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.
I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading. I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects. I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho. After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.
So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me. I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat. I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier. I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others. As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since. I am so hurt by that. I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily. I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly. I just miss him and want to know how he is. I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever. It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.
And then, as always, there is my horrific weight. This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok. I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back! I am hovering between 139-141 every morning. 140, yes you read that right. 140. Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental. Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea. That should help. I have to get this under control.
How is everyone? I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start. For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.
Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy. I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.
So what good things have happened so far this year? Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs. Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend. On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego. I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010. It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun. (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak. I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9. It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over. I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.
I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading. I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects. I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho. After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.
So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me. I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat. I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier. I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others. As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since. I am so hurt by that. I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily. I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly. I just miss him and want to know how he is. I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever. It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.
And then, as always, there is my horrific weight. This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok. I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back! I am hovering between 139-141 every morning. 140, yes you read that right. 140. Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental. Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea. That should help. I have to get this under control.
How is everyone? I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start. For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.
Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy. I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.
Nothing to say
I have not written in about ten days now because I honestly have nothing worthwhile to say.
My weight stable between 137-138 and not going down. I know that is my fault, so hopefully with the end of this week being incredibly busy, I will be able to lose even just a pound.
The hurricane did not have much effect here where I live - though my parents got slammed. Everything was closed for Monday and Tuesday, so it was nice to catch up on knitting and spend time with my roommates. I did manage to get in a good 4.5 mile run this evening. The first decent run I have been on since the marathon, and only now, a few hours later, is my foot aching.
Still incredibly sad about Juan. I wrote him a letter, but I am not sure if I will mail it. Perhaps sticking it in a drawer will be enough. If anyone wants to read it, I typed it up after writing, so I could post it here.
No one has purchased anything from my Etsy store yet, but I am confident it will happen soon. In fact, I am ordering some yarn for Claire, so I can list a vegan (non wool/alpaca/silk) cowl especially for her. And, I am going to knit up a pretty, warm black one for Lulu, since I know she's been freezing at work - which is a little funny to this northerner, since she lives in toasty Miami :)
I bought myself a few presents lately, mainly to try and fill the Juan void. The first was a great pair of gently used boots on eBay. While I maintain a vegan diet, one of my biggest motivations for maintaining a vegan lifestyle is for the environment. Thus, I am not morally opposed to buying used leather goods in some instances as the impact of leather on the earth is far less than petroleum products. If I can find a cruelty-free alternative, I am fine with that. Alas, non-leather boots (cloth or "pleather") just do not hold up to wintry wear and tear. These are a great pair and I even weather-proofed them, so they can get me through the winter. Then, I had a bit of a splurge and decided I need a vacation. I still have a few good friends in San Diego, so I decided to take a long weekend to SD in January. The tickets were under $400, which is pretty reasonable, especially just after the holidays. It was a bit out of my normal budget, but I will spread it over two or three months on my credit card and soak up all of the sunshine I can while I am there to make it worth while. Finally, I have been thinking I should replace the jewelry that Juan gave me. I have two rings from Etsy and a lovely Tiffany's necklace. Lest you think I am a) made of money or b) totally crazy with no sense of finances, I did not replace all at once. I bought a lovely handcrafted necklace that I can wear every day and never feel the need to replace. It will be just like the one in the photo, except with a tiny rough sapphire (my birth stone). It is a bit extravagant, purchasing all of that on top of my normal expenses, but maybe it will make me feel better.
Sometime in the near-ish future, I hope to replace my perfume too. I am thinking of selling my nearly-full bottle of D&G La Lune and replacing it with Hermes Eau Claire des Merveilles. Truthfully, I love the perfume I wear, but Juan gave me my last bottle as a gift, and I know its the perfume he loves. Maybe changing would be good, right? The Eau Claire is a bit sophisticated and luxurious smelling, but still youthful. Unfortunately, it is also more expensive, and I absolutely cannot justify it right now. Especially not with Christmas around the corner and my Etsy store having not sold a thing. So for now, I will just get a little sample of it each time I browse a Sephora.
Goodness, I hope that doesn't sound like I am trying to brag about what I purchased. That is not my intention, I simply do not have much else happening in my life except packages arriving in the mail every so often.
Anyway, things are sort of quiet here. My heart is very hurt and lonely and in the back of my mind I have this kernel of hope that is wishing for him to call. I do understand that he is finished. Really, I do. It is just very hard. I know that all that I am is not tied to him, but I feel kind of like nothing - not pretty or desirable or kind enough or smart enough or whatever...
My weight stable between 137-138 and not going down. I know that is my fault, so hopefully with the end of this week being incredibly busy, I will be able to lose even just a pound.
The hurricane did not have much effect here where I live - though my parents got slammed. Everything was closed for Monday and Tuesday, so it was nice to catch up on knitting and spend time with my roommates. I did manage to get in a good 4.5 mile run this evening. The first decent run I have been on since the marathon, and only now, a few hours later, is my foot aching.
Still incredibly sad about Juan. I wrote him a letter, but I am not sure if I will mail it. Perhaps sticking it in a drawer will be enough. If anyone wants to read it, I typed it up after writing, so I could post it here.
No one has purchased anything from my Etsy store yet, but I am confident it will happen soon. In fact, I am ordering some yarn for Claire, so I can list a vegan (non wool/alpaca/silk) cowl especially for her. And, I am going to knit up a pretty, warm black one for Lulu, since I know she's been freezing at work - which is a little funny to this northerner, since she lives in toasty Miami :)
I bought myself a few presents lately, mainly to try and fill the Juan void. The first was a great pair of gently used boots on eBay. While I maintain a vegan diet, one of my biggest motivations for maintaining a vegan lifestyle is for the environment. Thus, I am not morally opposed to buying used leather goods in some instances as the impact of leather on the earth is far less than petroleum products. If I can find a cruelty-free alternative, I am fine with that. Alas, non-leather boots (cloth or "pleather") just do not hold up to wintry wear and tear. These are a great pair and I even weather-proofed them, so they can get me through the winter. Then, I had a bit of a splurge and decided I need a vacation. I still have a few good friends in San Diego, so I decided to take a long weekend to SD in January. The tickets were under $400, which is pretty reasonable, especially just after the holidays. It was a bit out of my normal budget, but I will spread it over two or three months on my credit card and soak up all of the sunshine I can while I am there to make it worth while. Finally, I have been thinking I should replace the jewelry that Juan gave me. I have two rings from Etsy and a lovely Tiffany's necklace. Lest you think I am a) made of money or b) totally crazy with no sense of finances, I did not replace all at once. I bought a lovely handcrafted necklace that I can wear every day and never feel the need to replace. It will be just like the one in the photo, except with a tiny rough sapphire (my birth stone). It is a bit extravagant, purchasing all of that on top of my normal expenses, but maybe it will make me feel better.
Sometime in the near-ish future, I hope to replace my perfume too. I am thinking of selling my nearly-full bottle of D&G La Lune and replacing it with Hermes Eau Claire des Merveilles. Truthfully, I love the perfume I wear, but Juan gave me my last bottle as a gift, and I know its the perfume he loves. Maybe changing would be good, right? The Eau Claire is a bit sophisticated and luxurious smelling, but still youthful. Unfortunately, it is also more expensive, and I absolutely cannot justify it right now. Especially not with Christmas around the corner and my Etsy store having not sold a thing. So for now, I will just get a little sample of it each time I browse a Sephora.
Goodness, I hope that doesn't sound like I am trying to brag about what I purchased. That is not my intention, I simply do not have much else happening in my life except packages arriving in the mail every so often.
Anyway, things are sort of quiet here. My heart is very hurt and lonely and in the back of my mind I have this kernel of hope that is wishing for him to call. I do understand that he is finished. Really, I do. It is just very hard. I know that all that I am is not tied to him, but I feel kind of like nothing - not pretty or desirable or kind enough or smart enough or whatever...
Marathon?!?
So, I am home at my parents' house right now and in a few hours we are driving to upstate NY. In the morning, I am running a marathon.
I feel a bit insane. I have been training for this all summer. I even managed to avoid the scale for the past three days knowing that I had to eat more carbs and drink more water than usual (and the numbers would likely upset me).
When it is over, I am drinking champagne.
And next week, I can finally start losing again.
I will let you know how it goes.
I feel a bit insane. I have been training for this all summer. I even managed to avoid the scale for the past three days knowing that I had to eat more carbs and drink more water than usual (and the numbers would likely upset me).
When it is over, I am drinking champagne.
And next week, I can finally start losing again.
I will let you know how it goes.
UGH
Sidelined by a bit of tendonitis AGAIN.
Fatter than ever.
How is training for a marathon NOT an obvious and easy way to lose weight?
Since I am taking a rest day from running, I think I will take a rest day from food too.
Fatter than ever.
How is training for a marathon NOT an obvious and easy way to lose weight?
Since I am taking a rest day from running, I think I will take a rest day from food too.
Busy and scattered
It's amazing that I gain any followers that this point. My posting is only about once a week, at best, so I appreciate anyway who is bothering to join in and read.
I wish that as I was gaining followers, I was losing pounds.
Hit a new high today and I am absolutely disgusted/embarrassed.
Luckily, I can survive on two small meals, fruit, and coffee today.
This is a totally scatterbrained post...
I ran 19 miles on Sunday, which went relatively well. I'm about to get my tush out the door right now for six, tomorrow is nine, and I forget what I have planned for the rest of the week.
Congratulations to Lulu on her new job!
Seriously, I apologize for this random stream of consciousness.
School started yesterday and I am already exhausted. Today, I work from 9-2, go straight to campus to do more work with my professor all afternoon, and then class from 7:20-10.
Maybe, being so busy and relatively broke, will help me eat significantly less (since that is the only thing that will help me at this point)...
Hope everyone is well (or at least better than I am).
I wish that as I was gaining followers, I was losing pounds.
Hit a new high today and I am absolutely disgusted/embarrassed.
Luckily, I can survive on two small meals, fruit, and coffee today.
This is a totally scatterbrained post...
I ran 19 miles on Sunday, which went relatively well. I'm about to get my tush out the door right now for six, tomorrow is nine, and I forget what I have planned for the rest of the week.
Congratulations to Lulu on her new job!
Seriously, I apologize for this random stream of consciousness.
School started yesterday and I am already exhausted. Today, I work from 9-2, go straight to campus to do more work with my professor all afternoon, and then class from 7:20-10.
Maybe, being so busy and relatively broke, will help me eat significantly less (since that is the only thing that will help me at this point)...
Hope everyone is well (or at least better than I am).
Same old, same old
My tendinitis has completely subsided, thank goodness. I put in 12 solid miles yesterday, and my coach adjusted my schedule for the remaining weeks. I was supposed to run 6 this morning with 10 strides at the end, but I did not fall asleep until midnight or so, so waking up at six this morning was not working. I have to work until seven tonight, but I will go when I get home from work. It actually works out, because I have to do 9 tomorrow, and have a conference call at 8:30 - meaning, I would have to be up quite early in order to run, shower and get ready for work, and be ready by 8:30 and off to work by 9:30.
That is about the only thing I am feeling good about right now. I am SO incredibly discouraged about my weight. I know I am a total broken record, but I think the pressure is finally building enough (especially with the beginning of the new school year looming right around the corner) that I will do something about it. I had a very light breakfast of a little yogurt and melon this morning, and am packing rice with zucchini/edamame/red peppers, a sweet potato, kiwi, and plums for the rest of the day while I am out. I do not have to move around much at my afternoon job, so I am sure I will have enough energy. When I get home from work, I will have a quick snack of a few almonds, and then set out on my run. As long as I stay hydrated and have a bit of caffeine, I should be fine. If I continue with that every day, I should be able to lose a bit this week and for the rest of the time before the marathon. Even with the protein smoothies I have been drinking on long run days, I should still be able to lose. I need to lose. I am at an embarrassing weight just on the cusp of my absolute limit. Does anyone know a magic trick that would allow me to lose fifteen pounds overnight????
Last week was a trying week with Juan (again, broken record much?) - I had it out with him on Wednesday, which I absolutely hate. He just has been wavering between treating me like his girlfriend and ignoring me, and I finally decided to try and get him to pick one or the other. I am glad I said all the things I said, but I hate getting so upset and exasperated. In the days following, he has been the kind of guy I know he can be. I feel better about it, in general, but he has still managed to avoid just making a choice. I will give it a few more days, ask again, and see what happens. I get the impression that he does want to be together again, honestly, but I do not want him to just slip back into it. I want him to tell me that this is his choice and that he will commit to this. Under normal circumstances, it might be fine for two people to come together organically and without titles and official conversations, but as most of you know, he needs to regain my trust and make a true commitment to me.
Ah, I am going to be late for babysitting... not sure I have too much to say anyway. If you have not popped over to Peri's blog, she made a hilarious video where she opened the package I sent. You can see the adorable kiwi if you watch it.
Thank you all, immensely, from the bottom of my little heart, for reading and listening and giving me encouragement and love. What would we do without each other?
That is about the only thing I am feeling good about right now. I am SO incredibly discouraged about my weight. I know I am a total broken record, but I think the pressure is finally building enough (especially with the beginning of the new school year looming right around the corner) that I will do something about it. I had a very light breakfast of a little yogurt and melon this morning, and am packing rice with zucchini/edamame/red peppers, a sweet potato, kiwi, and plums for the rest of the day while I am out. I do not have to move around much at my afternoon job, so I am sure I will have enough energy. When I get home from work, I will have a quick snack of a few almonds, and then set out on my run. As long as I stay hydrated and have a bit of caffeine, I should be fine. If I continue with that every day, I should be able to lose a bit this week and for the rest of the time before the marathon. Even with the protein smoothies I have been drinking on long run days, I should still be able to lose. I need to lose. I am at an embarrassing weight just on the cusp of my absolute limit. Does anyone know a magic trick that would allow me to lose fifteen pounds overnight????
Last week was a trying week with Juan (again, broken record much?) - I had it out with him on Wednesday, which I absolutely hate. He just has been wavering between treating me like his girlfriend and ignoring me, and I finally decided to try and get him to pick one or the other. I am glad I said all the things I said, but I hate getting so upset and exasperated. In the days following, he has been the kind of guy I know he can be. I feel better about it, in general, but he has still managed to avoid just making a choice. I will give it a few more days, ask again, and see what happens. I get the impression that he does want to be together again, honestly, but I do not want him to just slip back into it. I want him to tell me that this is his choice and that he will commit to this. Under normal circumstances, it might be fine for two people to come together organically and without titles and official conversations, but as most of you know, he needs to regain my trust and make a true commitment to me.
Ah, I am going to be late for babysitting... not sure I have too much to say anyway. If you have not popped over to Peri's blog, she made a hilarious video where she opened the package I sent. You can see the adorable kiwi if you watch it.
Thank you all, immensely, from the bottom of my little heart, for reading and listening and giving me encouragement and love. What would we do without each other?
A set back
Where to begin?
As anyone who has read this blog with any regularity knows, my life this summer has been a tad bit busy. I apologize for not updating more regularly, and more importantly, not commenting regularly. We are all in this together, encouraging those who need encouraging (particularly toward recovery) and giving love to those who need that too (no matter what sort of place they are in).
My weight right now is somewhat stable, but unfortunately it is not going down. I know this is my own fault, as I have been eating enough to maintain (i.e. eating like a normal person, even mores, since this marathon training makes me so hungry!). I hope that when I am done with this race, I will have the common sense and willpower, and decreased appetite to NOT continue eating like this, and with any luck, the weight will melt off more quickly thank usual.
Right now, in fact, I am laid up with an injury - tendinitis in my lower leg that began on Wednesday. I took two solid days off, rester, wrapped, and iced, but yesterday I only got about a mile before it hurt again. I am resting again today with hopes to run 3 miles tomorrow. I was supposed to run 13.1 this morning and am supposed to run 20 next Sunday. Hopefully, this is just a fluke and will go away quickly. I really want to be able to finish my training and run this race.
I worked extra hours this week and even with the rest days I have been quite tired. I woke up with a headache this morning and it has yet to go away, even with a brief nap. Fortunately, I did not waste my entire Sunday - I went to Trader Joe's and the asian grocery store (the BEST place for cheap produce) to stock up on my usual things (predominately produce - lots of stone fruits and melons in season right now- lettuce, cucumbers, kale, tofu, ya know, my standard low-cal vegan staples), managed to wash all of my bedding, and bake a birthday cake for my roommate who comes home tomorrow (I don't think I'll even have any, I don't want all of that sugar - if I do, a small slice, half-eaten will suffice). Tonight, I have to do some work for my research assistantship and do some knitting.
Oh, in knitting news, I finished that cute yellow sweater I mentioned at some point. I just need to get a decent photo of it. I knit a moebius cowl for Jéanne that made its journey all the way to South Africa. Then, I knit some surprises for Peri, and just mailed them off to New Zealand yesterday (I cannot tell what they are yet, she has not seen them! With any luck, she'll take some photos or feature them in a vlog). With the leftover yarn from Lulu's daughter's tank top, I am knitting another one of the same sweaters for another friend of mine who has a daughter who is one-and-a-half. I started a pair of socks for my grandmother for her 80th birthday at the beginning of September and I am also working on a wrap for my brother's fiancee for their wedding in November. I want to get that all finished up so I can purchase yarn for a sweater for myself around my birthday next month.
Not sure if I have anything else to report on - my life is busy but not very exciting. All of this training has left little time for worrying about the numbers on the scale and what I look like, fortunately. I doubt the attitude will stick, but we can hope. I am still hoping that even during the training this month I will lose some weight. I am going to work hard on drinking protein smoothies for breakfast, preparing salads with extra protein for my dinner every night this week, getting my carbs during lunch and NOT snacking - it actually should not be too difficult, since I start babysitting again in the mornings and will be running around from place to place. I am honestly so tired of being at this weight, after having spent the last year five pounds less, and the first two months of the year hovering around 130. I wanted to be 125 so long ago and have clearly not been dedicated enough to the cause. Losing weight while marathon training is difficult and not terribly safe if you're not overweight, so I doubt much will happen until after September 30th. After that, I think I will take a small break from running (and possibly eating) for a while. We'll see.
It is incredibly strange to me, that if you (reading) were here in my every day life to witness how I eat and act, you would almost never know that I am so hung up on how heavy I am each day, how I scrutinize myself in the mirror every morning, and how I think so critically about every bit of food I eat, even if I continue to eat like a normal person. How can all of this be in my head and not really show on the outside? Sometimes I wish it would just take over and show on the outside a bit (or a lot). I don't really know why. Maybe because then I would actually be letting that part of my psyche take over and get something accomplished? That does not sound very rational... who knows.
As anyone who has read this blog with any regularity knows, my life this summer has been a tad bit busy. I apologize for not updating more regularly, and more importantly, not commenting regularly. We are all in this together, encouraging those who need encouraging (particularly toward recovery) and giving love to those who need that too (no matter what sort of place they are in).
My weight right now is somewhat stable, but unfortunately it is not going down. I know this is my own fault, as I have been eating enough to maintain (i.e. eating like a normal person, even mores, since this marathon training makes me so hungry!). I hope that when I am done with this race, I will have the common sense and willpower, and decreased appetite to NOT continue eating like this, and with any luck, the weight will melt off more quickly thank usual.
Right now, in fact, I am laid up with an injury - tendinitis in my lower leg that began on Wednesday. I took two solid days off, rester, wrapped, and iced, but yesterday I only got about a mile before it hurt again. I am resting again today with hopes to run 3 miles tomorrow. I was supposed to run 13.1 this morning and am supposed to run 20 next Sunday. Hopefully, this is just a fluke and will go away quickly. I really want to be able to finish my training and run this race.
I worked extra hours this week and even with the rest days I have been quite tired. I woke up with a headache this morning and it has yet to go away, even with a brief nap. Fortunately, I did not waste my entire Sunday - I went to Trader Joe's and the asian grocery store (the BEST place for cheap produce) to stock up on my usual things (predominately produce - lots of stone fruits and melons in season right now- lettuce, cucumbers, kale, tofu, ya know, my standard low-cal vegan staples), managed to wash all of my bedding, and bake a birthday cake for my roommate who comes home tomorrow (I don't think I'll even have any, I don't want all of that sugar - if I do, a small slice, half-eaten will suffice). Tonight, I have to do some work for my research assistantship and do some knitting.
Oh, in knitting news, I finished that cute yellow sweater I mentioned at some point. I just need to get a decent photo of it. I knit a moebius cowl for Jéanne that made its journey all the way to South Africa. Then, I knit some surprises for Peri, and just mailed them off to New Zealand yesterday (I cannot tell what they are yet, she has not seen them! With any luck, she'll take some photos or feature them in a vlog). With the leftover yarn from Lulu's daughter's tank top, I am knitting another one of the same sweaters for another friend of mine who has a daughter who is one-and-a-half. I started a pair of socks for my grandmother for her 80th birthday at the beginning of September and I am also working on a wrap for my brother's fiancee for their wedding in November. I want to get that all finished up so I can purchase yarn for a sweater for myself around my birthday next month.
Not sure if I have anything else to report on - my life is busy but not very exciting. All of this training has left little time for worrying about the numbers on the scale and what I look like, fortunately. I doubt the attitude will stick, but we can hope. I am still hoping that even during the training this month I will lose some weight. I am going to work hard on drinking protein smoothies for breakfast, preparing salads with extra protein for my dinner every night this week, getting my carbs during lunch and NOT snacking - it actually should not be too difficult, since I start babysitting again in the mornings and will be running around from place to place. I am honestly so tired of being at this weight, after having spent the last year five pounds less, and the first two months of the year hovering around 130. I wanted to be 125 so long ago and have clearly not been dedicated enough to the cause. Losing weight while marathon training is difficult and not terribly safe if you're not overweight, so I doubt much will happen until after September 30th. After that, I think I will take a small break from running (and possibly eating) for a while. We'll see.
It is incredibly strange to me, that if you (reading) were here in my every day life to witness how I eat and act, you would almost never know that I am so hung up on how heavy I am each day, how I scrutinize myself in the mirror every morning, and how I think so critically about every bit of food I eat, even if I continue to eat like a normal person. How can all of this be in my head and not really show on the outside? Sometimes I wish it would just take over and show on the outside a bit (or a lot). I don't really know why. Maybe because then I would actually be letting that part of my psyche take over and get something accomplished? That does not sound very rational... who knows.
A little proud
Hot damn, I ran 18 miles yesterday. I did not die, and the scale is down a few pounds (enough to make me not so psychotic about it) AND I actually get to eat.
I think I am still high on endorphins.
This weekend I only have to do 13.1 as my long run, but next weekend I have 20 on the schedule.
Running like a crazy person is surprisingly empowering and kind of making me feel ok about my body sometimes.
I think I am still high on endorphins.
This weekend I only have to do 13.1 as my long run, but next weekend I have 20 on the schedule.
Running like a crazy person is surprisingly empowering and kind of making me feel ok about my body sometimes.
Gaining again
I emailed my coach to tell him that I was concerned about gaining weight. He assured me that a few pounds are from retaining water while my muscles are inflamed, and the other few pounds are nothing to worry about and are, in fact, beneficial for a distance runner.
I am constantly so hungry, and eating more than usual. The combination of those two things is stressing me out and making me gain weight. I am embarrassed with how much I weigh right now, I can't even post it. I look in the mirror and can see it in my face and I feel it around my middle. Luckily, my legs are starting to look a wee bit slimmer. I just have to stop gaining.
In more positive news, however. I finished a sweater, went home for the weekend, saw my friends and family, and ran 16 miles on Sunday.
Hopefully, after cutting back a little today, I won't be so heavy tomorrow.
Major kudos to Lulu, who is on day 6 of no bp.
I am constantly so hungry, and eating more than usual. The combination of those two things is stressing me out and making me gain weight. I am embarrassed with how much I weigh right now, I can't even post it. I look in the mirror and can see it in my face and I feel it around my middle. Luckily, my legs are starting to look a wee bit slimmer. I just have to stop gaining.
In more positive news, however. I finished a sweater, went home for the weekend, saw my friends and family, and ran 16 miles on Sunday.
Hopefully, after cutting back a little today, I won't be so heavy tomorrow.
Major kudos to Lulu, who is on day 6 of no bp.
It's Monday and I am already looking forward to the weekend
Completed my third week of training. Apparently, I am eating like a ravenous wild animal, because I am stuck between 137-138 each day (before my run, 135ish after). I spent the past year around 134 or less, and the notion of carrying around even four or five extra pounds above an "ok" weight makes me batty. I wish I could snap my fingers and be 125 tomorrow morning. Even though the rational part of my brain knows that would not truly make me happy, the irrational bits think it would be a life-changing miracle.
At least I had two good runs in cooler weather this weekend - I flew through six miles on Saturday (49 minutes, much faster than I ever run and without someone to pace me, too - though much slower than competitive runners, obviously) and twelve miles at a nine-min/mile pace yesterday. This morning I had to run another six, but I ended up running five and walking the last mile or so. My left hamstring was so tight and my legs were just tired.
I also finished the sweater I mentioned last time. It is currently blocking, hoping to fix some funky fit issues. If it looks cute and I manage to get back down under 134, I will put up a photo.
I have a short week this week, as I am working today and tomorrow, attending the International AIDS conference in Washington for most of the day, Wednesday, and then working Thursday morning and heading home for a long weekend filled with visiting and errands.
Thank you for all of the well-wishes for my mom. She's been feeling ok, except for eye pain and headaches. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to get that under better control soon. My nana (she is turning 94 this weekend and lives with my parents) went to the emergency room last week with chest pain, and it turns out she has pneumonia. Luckily, she is responding well to the antibiotics and recovering well. I am looking forward to going home for a few days to see my parents, celebrate my nana's birthday, and hopefully see my best friends.
Oh, and the strangest thing happened this weekend. Just a quick little bit of background information - Juan and I have been in contact pretty frequently lately. Last weekend, he emailed me and said, "I feel like we haven't talked in forever, can we please Skype this week." So, we Skyped on Monday and Wednesday. Thursday night, (or Friday? I can't remember exactly) he called me from work (a pleasant surprise). Then, Sunday morning, I woke up to his friend-request on Facebook. Juan does not like nor does he use Facebook with any regularity and we haven't been friends on it in ages. I thought it was kind of cute, responded yes, quickly looked at his profile, and went for a run. I got back from my run, went to look at his profile again and it said the page could not be found. I assumed he deleted/deactivated his account, but when my friend went to look at it, she could see it. So, I guess he friended me and then blocked me?? It makes me laugh, since it's really ridiculous and I still have not received an explanation. Honestly, it makes no difference, but I am very curious. Maybe I will get to talk to him today and he can provide an explanation. Strange, right?
Hope everyone had a good weekend. My goal this week is to be 136 by Thursday, when I leave to go home for the weekend, and not gain anything while I am home. I need to get my diet under control and figure out a balance of having energy to run 6-8-10+ miles every morning and lose weight at the same time. You would think it would be easy, but the methods I typically use to lose weight leave me energy-less, and that is impossible for this training regimen. Why can't I just be normal and not care?? Or eat normally and not gain weight and just lose like a normal person??
At least I had two good runs in cooler weather this weekend - I flew through six miles on Saturday (49 minutes, much faster than I ever run and without someone to pace me, too - though much slower than competitive runners, obviously) and twelve miles at a nine-min/mile pace yesterday. This morning I had to run another six, but I ended up running five and walking the last mile or so. My left hamstring was so tight and my legs were just tired.
I also finished the sweater I mentioned last time. It is currently blocking, hoping to fix some funky fit issues. If it looks cute and I manage to get back down under 134, I will put up a photo.
I have a short week this week, as I am working today and tomorrow, attending the International AIDS conference in Washington for most of the day, Wednesday, and then working Thursday morning and heading home for a long weekend filled with visiting and errands.
Thank you for all of the well-wishes for my mom. She's been feeling ok, except for eye pain and headaches. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to get that under better control soon. My nana (she is turning 94 this weekend and lives with my parents) went to the emergency room last week with chest pain, and it turns out she has pneumonia. Luckily, she is responding well to the antibiotics and recovering well. I am looking forward to going home for a few days to see my parents, celebrate my nana's birthday, and hopefully see my best friends.
Oh, and the strangest thing happened this weekend. Just a quick little bit of background information - Juan and I have been in contact pretty frequently lately. Last weekend, he emailed me and said, "I feel like we haven't talked in forever, can we please Skype this week." So, we Skyped on Monday and Wednesday. Thursday night, (or Friday? I can't remember exactly) he called me from work (a pleasant surprise). Then, Sunday morning, I woke up to his friend-request on Facebook. Juan does not like nor does he use Facebook with any regularity and we haven't been friends on it in ages. I thought it was kind of cute, responded yes, quickly looked at his profile, and went for a run. I got back from my run, went to look at his profile again and it said the page could not be found. I assumed he deleted/deactivated his account, but when my friend went to look at it, she could see it. So, I guess he friended me and then blocked me?? It makes me laugh, since it's really ridiculous and I still have not received an explanation. Honestly, it makes no difference, but I am very curious. Maybe I will get to talk to him today and he can provide an explanation. Strange, right?
Hope everyone had a good weekend. My goal this week is to be 136 by Thursday, when I leave to go home for the weekend, and not gain anything while I am home. I need to get my diet under control and figure out a balance of having energy to run 6-8-10+ miles every morning and lose weight at the same time. You would think it would be easy, but the methods I typically use to lose weight leave me energy-less, and that is impossible for this training regimen. Why can't I just be normal and not care?? Or eat normally and not gain weight and just lose like a normal person??
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on