Nothing to say

I have not written in about ten days now because I honestly have nothing worthwhile to say.

My weight stable between 137-138 and not going down.  I know that is my fault, so hopefully with the end of this week being incredibly busy, I will be able to lose even just a pound.

The hurricane did not have much effect here where I live - though my parents got slammed.  Everything was closed for Monday and Tuesday, so it was nice to catch up on knitting and spend time with my roommates.  I did manage to get in a good 4.5 mile run this evening.  The first decent run I have been on since the marathon, and only now, a few hours later, is my foot aching.

Still incredibly sad about Juan.  I wrote him a letter, but I am not sure if I will mail it.  Perhaps sticking it in a drawer will be enough.  If anyone wants to read it, I typed it up after writing, so I could post it here.

No one has purchased anything from my Etsy store yet, but I am confident it will happen soon.  In fact, I am ordering some yarn for Claire, so I can list a vegan (non wool/alpaca/silk) cowl especially for her.  And, I am going to knit up a pretty, warm black one for Lulu, since I know she's been freezing at work - which is a little funny to this northerner, since she lives in toasty Miami :)

I bought myself a few presents lately, mainly to try and fill the Juan void.  The first was a great pair of gently used boots on eBay.  While I maintain a vegan diet, one of my biggest motivations for maintaining a vegan lifestyle is for the environment.  Thus, I am not morally opposed to buying used leather goods in some instances as the impact of leather on the earth is far less than petroleum products.  If I can find a cruelty-free alternative, I am fine with that.  Alas, non-leather boots (cloth or "pleather") just do not hold up to wintry wear and tear.  These are a great pair and I even weather-proofed them, so they can get me through the winter.  Then, I had a bit of a splurge and decided I need a vacation.  I still have a few good friends in San Diego, so I decided to take a long weekend to SD in January.  The tickets were under $400, which is pretty reasonable, especially just after the holidays.  It was a bit out of my normal budget, but I will spread it over two or three months on my credit card and soak up all of the sunshine I can while I am there to make it worth while.  Finally, I have been thinking I should replace the jewelry that Juan gave me. I have two rings from Etsy and a lovely Tiffany's necklace.  Lest you think I am a) made of money or b) totally crazy with no sense of finances, I did not replace all at once.  I bought a lovely handcrafted necklace that I can wear every day and never feel the need to replace.  It will be just like the one in the photo, except with a tiny rough sapphire (my birth stone).  It is a bit extravagant, purchasing all of that on top of my normal expenses, but maybe it will make me feel better.

Sometime in the near-ish future, I hope to replace my perfume too.  I am thinking of selling my nearly-full bottle of D&G La Lune and replacing it with Hermes Eau Claire des Merveilles.  Truthfully, I love the perfume I wear, but Juan gave me my last bottle as a gift, and I know its the perfume he loves.  Maybe changing would be good, right?  The Eau Claire is a bit sophisticated and luxurious smelling, but still youthful. Unfortunately, it is also more expensive, and I absolutely cannot justify it right now.  Especially not with Christmas around the corner and my Etsy store having not sold a thing.  So for now, I will just get a little sample of it each time I browse a Sephora.

Goodness, I hope that doesn't sound like I am trying to brag about what I purchased.  That is not my intention, I simply do not have much else happening in my life except packages arriving in the mail every so often.

Anyway, things are sort of quiet here.  My heart is very hurt and lonely and in the back of my mind I have this kernel of hope that is wishing for him to call.  I do understand that he is finished.  Really, I do.  It is just very hard.  I know that all that I am is not tied to him, but I feel kind of like nothing - not pretty or desirable or kind enough or smart enough or whatever...

A set back

Where to begin?

As anyone who has read this blog with any regularity knows, my life this summer has been a tad bit busy.  I apologize for not updating more regularly, and more importantly, not commenting regularly. We are all in this together, encouraging those who need encouraging (particularly toward recovery) and giving love to those who need that too (no matter what sort of place they are in).

My weight right now is somewhat stable, but unfortunately it is not going down.  I know this is my own fault, as I have been eating enough to maintain (i.e. eating like a normal person, even mores, since this marathon training makes me so hungry!).  I hope that when I am done with this race, I will have the common sense and willpower, and decreased appetite to NOT continue eating like this, and with any luck, the weight will melt off more quickly thank usual.

Right now, in fact, I am laid up with an injury - tendinitis in my lower leg that began on Wednesday.  I took two solid days off, rester, wrapped, and iced, but yesterday I only got about a mile before it hurt again.  I am resting again today with hopes to run 3 miles tomorrow.  I was supposed to run 13.1 this morning and am supposed to run 20 next Sunday.  Hopefully, this is just a fluke and will go away quickly.  I really want to be able to finish my training and run this race.

I worked extra hours this week and even with the rest days I have been quite tired.  I woke up with a headache this morning and it has yet to go away, even with a  brief nap.  Fortunately, I did not waste my entire Sunday - I went to Trader Joe's and the asian grocery store (the BEST place for cheap produce) to stock up on my usual things (predominately produce - lots of stone fruits and melons in season right now- lettuce, cucumbers, kale, tofu, ya know, my standard low-cal vegan staples), managed to wash all of my bedding, and bake a birthday cake for my roommate who comes home tomorrow (I don't think I'll even have any, I don't want all of that sugar - if I do, a small slice, half-eaten will suffice).  Tonight, I have to do some work for my research assistantship and do some knitting.

Oh, in knitting news, I finished that cute yellow sweater I mentioned at some point.  I just need to get a decent photo of it.  I knit a moebius cowl for Jéanne that made its journey all the way to South Africa.  Then, I knit some surprises for Peri, and just mailed them off to New Zealand yesterday (I cannot tell what they are yet, she has not seen them!  With any luck, she'll take some photos or feature them in a vlog). With the leftover yarn from Lulu's daughter's tank top, I am knitting another one of the same sweaters for another friend of mine who has a daughter who is one-and-a-half.  I started a pair of socks for my grandmother for her 80th birthday at the beginning of September and I am also working on a wrap for my brother's fiancee for their wedding in November.  I want to get that all finished up so I can purchase yarn for a sweater for myself around my birthday next month.

Not sure if I have anything else to report on - my life is busy but not very exciting.  All of this training has left little time for worrying about the numbers on the scale and what I look like, fortunately.  I doubt the attitude will stick, but we can hope.  I am still hoping that even during the training this month I will lose some weight.  I am going to work hard on drinking protein smoothies for breakfast, preparing salads with extra protein for my dinner every night this week, getting my carbs during lunch and NOT snacking - it actually should not be too difficult, since I start babysitting again in the mornings and will be running around from place to place. I am honestly so tired of being at this weight, after having spent the last year five pounds less, and the first two months of the year hovering around 130.  I wanted to be 125 so long ago and have clearly not been dedicated enough to the cause.  Losing weight while marathon training is difficult and not terribly safe if you're not overweight, so I doubt much will happen until after September 30th.  After that, I think I will take a small break from running (and possibly eating) for a while.  We'll see.

It is incredibly strange to me, that if you (reading) were here in my every day life to witness how I eat and act, you would almost never know that I am so hung up on how heavy I am each day, how I scrutinize myself in the mirror every morning, and how I think so critically about every bit of food I eat, even if I continue to eat like a normal person.  How can all of this be in my head and not really show on the outside?  Sometimes I wish it would just take over and show on the outside a bit (or a lot).  I don't really know why.  Maybe because then I would actually be letting that part of my psyche take over and get something accomplished?  That does not sound very rational... who knows.

Blue

I had a rough day yesterday.

Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.

Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run.  Then, the loneliness just hit me.  Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon.  I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite.  I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC.  I decided I just did not feel well enough for that.  Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment.  I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more.  I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01.  Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses.  Just not a good day.

I slept in again until 9:30.  I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains?  It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow).  I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline.  I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner.  That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days).  Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits.  Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.

Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes.  I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar.  Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2.  Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends.  On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today.  I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW.  Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much.  I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount.  I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.

Sur La Table has wonderful kitchen things, so I may buy a new dish towel.  At DSW I will only buy something deeply discounted if I love it.  I was there last night, but I forgot my coupon.

Anyway, I am rambling.  My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog.  Last year, this time, I was 130-132.  I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything.  I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better.  We'll see how that goes.

Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week.  I would feel much better that way.  When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.

I'll get around to some commenting today.  I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.

Please think about where you were ten years ago, today.  I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan.  Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain.  While I believe in justice, I also believe in love.  More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.

Frustrated

I was doing SO well the last few days - skipping breakfast, sticking to raw fruits and vegetables with the occasional slice of gluten-free bread and soy yogurt here and there.  Yesterday morning, I ran 7 miles before I even truly began my day, skipped breakfast again in lieu of iced coffee and had a light salad for lunch.  After my run I was 134.0 even - the lowest I have been in ages (and don't even get me started on how gross it is that last August/September I was down to 132 and still dropping).

Then, I went to my friend's birthday gathering - chips, guacamole, salads - too much salt - then someone persuaded me to have a bite (that turned into four) of ICE CREAM CAKE (I am a VEGAN FOR GOODNESS SAKE!) from this wonderful creamery called Cliff's that is a North-Jersey institution.  I had sangria.  This morning, I got my just desserts and weight 138.  138!!!  I gained four whole pounds of water/food/disgusting fat OVERNIGHT.

FML

Today, I skipped breakfast again.  For lunch I had gluten-free flatbread I made the other day, a salad of corn, tomato, cucumber, herbs, and a light vinaigrette - and because I have no self-control, two spoonfuls of left-over frosting from the cupcakes I baked the other day (which, at the time, I had NONE - unheard of for me, I always taste-test, but I rocked it and gave everything to my friend's mom to sell at the farmer's market).  I think that starting now, I need to just fast  - a good clean, water, tea, juice fast to clear my body and my brain.  I was feeling so good at 134.  My dress that I want to wear next Sunday was fitting much better, even after just a few pounds and I finally had a lick of confidence about my weight (which is crazy, considering I should have been to my 118-120 goal AGES AGO).

I have the numbers counting down from 132 to 124 written in dry-erase marker on my mirror - I have not even been at 132 in months.  I need to stop kidding myself and start denying myself food.  I want to be a healthy, athletic, organic, vegan, encouraging and positive person who people think eat healthily and smartly without being crazy - but let's be honest - I just have the sort of constitution that doesn't allow me even little luxuries.  If I do not cut out major groups of food - like carbohydrates and fatty nuts, I gain.

So now, I just need to do a better job.  The only carbohydrate I will allow myself will be quinoa, on occasion, like the night before my long training runs (I am beginning week five of my half-marathon training plan).  Nuts are out, not even my beloved almond and peanut butters.  Salad dressings will be made without oil. Fruits, vegetables, and the only truly caloric thing will be soy yogurt.  Otherwise, I need to just fuel my body with fruits and veggies.  I can still run and train on caffeine and plants.  I will never lose weight otherwise.

Thank you for all of the positive comments regarding my new school plans.  I am not exactly sure how the next month is going to sort out, but at least I have something to look forward to.

Has anyone heard from our beloved Adeline lately?

Let's send some prayers Lita's way so she will be signed this week.  We all know from her photos, persistent nature, and disciplined regimen that she will be a lovely model.

And some prayers for Zette so her foot and ankle heal quickly and she can run again.

Mich, I picked up knitting as a way to relieve stress - have you ever tried it?

Please give your support and love to Dani.

And Peri.

Isobel, I just read you're going to PARIS!  My favorite city.  You are going to have a fabulous time and with your latest weigh-in I am certain you are looking fabulous and elegant as ever.

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Sorry I am all over the place and terribly disappointing.  I am trying to do better and be thinner.

Weary traveler

I am back from my adventure to Rhode Island and Boston. I actually had a really nice time seeing my friends and fortunately I was able to get plenty of exercise - walking all over Boston and a few runs.

I then drove to upstate NY to spend the weekend at my brother's with my parents. I was there for less than 24 hours and could just sense that the weekend was going to be full of conflict. Consequently, I decided to drive home - cried the entire way. I couldn't help but pray that something horrible happens to me because everyone's lives would be so much better if I wasn't in them. My parent's would be better off... my friends... Juan...

I generally just feel terrible and overwhelmed... I don't have much of an appetite, and I think that may be the only good thing coming out of this. Luckily, I was 138.2 this morning after being on vacation for a week and eating out on a regular basis...

Starting a fast now... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24... let's see how it goes...

Could be worse

I'm really surprised, but I weighed 138 this morning. I was expecting the worst, so while I'm not happy with that number overall, given the circumstances I'm ok with it for today.

I haven't had any food yet today, only a small glass of juice (100) and I did 4.4 miles with my dogs this morning. Granted, my post run, no-intake weight is low because I'm dehydrated.

Tomorrow, I'm leaving for RI/Boston, so I'll probably just live off of coffee and rice cakes. I need to be able to drive without feeling light headed, so I'll have to eat something.

I am baking for a wedding outside of Sacramento for July 31st, so I really need to be 130 or less by then. The bride just sent me the website of her photographer who did her and her fiancé's engagement shoot - she also did a "boudoir" shoot as a wedding gift for her future husband. I won't tell who which one is my friend, but she is absurdly tiny and gorgeous. There's a mix of body types on here - they're real women, un-retouched - but I looked through all of them, and there is certainly some thinspo.

I talked to my ex, Juan, for a little bit last night and I was being really emotional and probably annoying. I need to just put my life together so even if he is missing, I am basically happy. Being depressed and dissatisfied is not attractive at all and for some reason I am still holding on to the totally irrational notion that he might wake up and apologize...