Dealing with stress

The past few weeks have been full of stress, and old habits are starting to creep back.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not resulting to over-exercising.  I am quite out of shape at the moment, and combining that with being way too busy, I have only carved out a bit of time for a bit of biking and running and yoga.  Most nights I have simply been too tired when I arrive home to bother going to the gym.  Of course I then feel insanely guilty and my self-destructive thoughts are reinforced.

Work has been crazy for more than a month... which is ok.  I do like to be busy and I am working on great projects.  This week, I directed an emergency training exercise with evaluators from our state agency, hospitals, the Red Cross, and more than twenty-five staff members and volunteers.  For the most part, everything went off without a hitch and my boss and the state evaluators were thrilled with the exercise.  Its nice to see your planning and efforts some to fruition.  But, since I have several more pressing projects, I need to write myself a detailed schedule to prepare for the next six weeks before Benjamin arrives (more on that in a moment).

Personally, my life has been fine with the exception of missing my husband and trying to support a friend through a VERY difficult time.  It is hard to be strong and supportive for her when the situation is so challenging and depressing.  I am trying my absolute best to be there for her, but she has made a handful of bad choices in addition to being dealt a crappy hand at the game of life.  I hope that something starts looking up for her soon... in the meantime, it makes me viciously miss my husband... I just want to talk to him in bed before we fall asleep and have someone to give me a big hug when it all makes me so sad that I cry.  It makes me miss my family a lot too, since many of her problems stem from her toxic parents and how they have really messed up her ability to have normal relationships and be independent.  My parents and I do not always get along perfectly, but the situation makes me incredibly grateful to have loving, supportive parents.  It is hard to realize how lucky you are when a good family is your normal.

As a result... and maybe it is a good sign that I so quickly recognize that the stress + loneliness = weird eating patterns... old habits have been resurfacing.  Nothing major... skipping a breakfast here, enjoying a rumbling stomach there.  I haven't bothered to see if I have lost any weight - though I doubt it.  It would be nice, but I want to try and hang onto healthy, even if it still makes me super sad that I am too heavy and too many of my beautiful clothes don't fit.

Not really sure where I am going with all of this...

Benjamin arrives soon.  August 24th to be exact.  While it would be lovely to have jet-setted to France to being our new life, it makes much more economic and practical sense for us to begin here.  So for the time being, I will have to be satisfied with a trip or two to Europe every year and my beautiful, kind, French husband by my side here in the States.  We are obviously so fortunate, so I wouldn't dare complain.  At this point, we are simply so excited to be on the same continent, that it wouldn't matter if we were in France, America, or Siberia.

It is weird to be excited and stressed and sad and hopeful and hating my body all at once.  I suppose it is fortunate that the positive thoughts mostly beat out the negative ones, but I feel like I will never be able to let go of the desire to be thin.  I didn't know how good I had it when I was easily and consistently fifteen pounds smaller.  Even then, I was sure I was fat.  Now that I actually am, I lust after the past and have trepidations for the future.  What if the feeling goes away?  What if I am never comfortable in my own skin?  What if I am doomed to a life of trying to be thin and never achieving the goal?  It's a bit heavy (pun intended?) to think about.

I miss writing here and interacting with everyone.  I's my own fault for neglecting the space. How is everyone?

I must

I realized that it is almost one year since I have been at this horribly high (and I thought abnormal for me... but after a year, well, I don't know?) weight.

I can't take it anymore.

I'm getting married in May.  My dress looks sort of fine except that my arms are enormous - which no amount of weight lifting or push ups or Insanity is going to fix.

I must lose weight.

I must be back in the low 130s.

(Even that number is absurdly high... so what does that make my current weight?  Whale-size?)

I have no choice.

I must.

Another year has gone by

Happy new year!

I have a bit of news to share...

So there's that.  Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration.  My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us).  It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.

But where am I now?  Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast.  I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body.  I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable.  I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat.  I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body.  I must be thinner.  I just must be thinner.

I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become.  Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought.  Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws...  Maybe that will never be me.  Does anyone else ever feel this way? 

Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning.  It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity.  Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.

All of this makes me stressed.  Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card!  Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed.  I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this.  

I don't know.  I just don't know.  On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure.  On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.

Just breathe

I really have become such a sporadic writer around here in the last year or so.

So...

The last month was a mix of ups and downs.  On the 6th of September, Benjamin arrived.  On the 7th, I crashed and burned at my marathon (really, it was an utter disaster).  Then we spent two blissful weeks going to a wedding, seeing movies, hanging out with his parents, hanging out with my parents, having important conversations, and drinking wine.  On the 20th, I drove him back to the airport and off to France he went.  I spent the next several days crying off and on.  I went to another wedding without my date, but still managed to have a great time (despite a minor crisis the morning of the event where I had nothing to wear, since I have gained weight and nothing fits).  I finally set up an appointment with a nutritionist and am going to see her on Wednesday (more on that in a bit) and ran twice this week.  I have also been riding my bike to work on occasion.  Oh, and to top it off, yesterday I was in a complete panic when I realized that I had finished my pack of birth control one week ago and still has not started my period.  I usually get it two days after the pack is finished.  I took a pregnancy test and it is negative.  I am just going to wait another week, if it does not appear I will visit the doctor for a consultation and possible blood test.

So here we are.

I am insanely nervous about meeting this nutritionist on Wednesday.  She had an eating disorder when she was younger and currently specializes in nutritional counseling for plant-based diets and those who have emotional issues/disordered eating patterns.  Her intake/history form was approximately six pages and it was difficult to be honest.  But, I know I need to be honest, because my body is out of control at the moment.  I cannot have another breakdown in my room when I realize that all of my beautiful clothes no longer fit or I get on the scale and see a horrific number that I swore I would never see in my life.  I am also trying to be reasonable and rational and approach this with help.  I know that if I do not have someone's help, I will end up fasting and restricting and being more miserable than I am at the moment.  I am a bit proud that I am trying to address this in a healthy way, for once.

For the rest of the weekend, since yesterday was just a whole bundle of stress, I am trying to relax a bit.  I cleaned and did some laundry, ran a few errands, and treated myself to a soy latte and new yarn.  I have been knitting up a storm lately.  I wish I could socialize with someone, anyone tonight... it would be better than being alone for the second evening in a row.  For the most part, being sad and stressed makes me want to be in another human's presence, not isolate myself.  Or at least, the isolation makes me feel worse, not better... I don't know.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place, yesterday was just complicated.  Fortunately, Benjamin is amazing.  He was calm and reasonable, as always, and did not seem scared in the slightest.  He just said if I end up being pregnant, we will adapt and it will be great (not fine, but great).  Bless him.

Just trying to remind myself to breathe.

Why did I do this to myself?

I have been too afraid to get on the scale for a few weeks now.  I know I have gained and I have a routine I like to go through before I weigh, which hasn't been possible if I need to do it before I go to work.

Well, I finally weighed today.

And yes, I gained.

And yes, it is the highest number I have seen since 2008.

I just want to cry.

How did I let this happen?  Why did I do this to myself?

Anyway, I have to run 16 miles this morning.  Hopefully that will help me feel a little better.

All over the place

My life is all over the place right now.  Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...

Let's go back to the half-marathon in June.  To be honest, it was a complete disaster!  I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces.  My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable.  No, I just had pain everywhere.  Everywhere.  By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail.  Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race.  So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there.  Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up.  By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running.  I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20.  My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.

Since the race my training has been going ok.  Not great, but I am making my way through the program.  I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area.  I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes.  Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7.  I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012.  I have lost speed on my regular easy runs.  I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work.  I guess time will tell.

At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible.  We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes.  Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine.  The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple.  We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.

Work has been going well.  My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed.  I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency.  It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens.  (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel.  While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community.  When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible.  When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis.  I find that encouraging!)

And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline.  I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high.  After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now.  Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love.  She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder.  I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car.  I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum.  I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained.  It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it).  I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it.  But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am?  I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.

Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful.  Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her.  And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding.  She was there with her new baby and husband.  And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse.  I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me.  I cried before I went to the party.  I am so embarrassed.

On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night.  I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault.  While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution?  Drown my feelings in food!  This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television.  Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food?  With my body?  Why???



So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.

Excited?

Even though I should be filled with excitement and warm and fuzzy feelings, for the past few days, I have not felt anything like that.  Benjamin is arriving in nine days and all I can think about is how massive I look and feel.

So much for being in a good headspace.

At least I have nine days to sort this out and maybe lose a bit.

It's been a while

I know, I know, it has been a while...

Now I finally have time for some regular updates AND if the past is any indication for my future, writing on here has always helped me lose weight, and right now that is a major goal.  But we will get to that in a minute.

So lately... things with my boyfriend are going smashingly.  We Skype a lot and have exchanged a bit of mail.  We managed to talk about some tough things, especially concerning Pauline, and are just really solid (which is incredible, considering the distance).  Unlike with Juan, who I was constantly afraid would lose interest, Benjamin has already made travel arrangements to spend almost three weeks here with me in November, and invited me for Christmas.  He is constantly making me feel appreciated and it is obvious that he truly cares about me.  I am in a very good, safe, comforted place with this.

In other news, I restarted Insanity, so I begin week two tomorrow.  I will also be taking yoga classes at least once a week with a friend who is going through teacher training.  She is awesome and needs to practice being a yoga teacher, and I am an eager poor student, so we are a great match.  And if that was not challenging enough, I have been trying to keep some regular running dates (8 miles tomorrow after Insanity!!) and am organizing a 5k for Thanksgiving.

The biggest news of late, which is legitimately huge, is that I received a job offer today!  I have been hunting since May, and had a bunch of phone interviews, but this was my first offer.  I am definitely going to take it, as the job is interesting, I am qualified and prepared for it, I can live at home, and the salary is quite good.  I will be able to work on paying off my student loans ASAP and get a new car (mine is about to start having horrible things go wrong with it and will not be worth fixing).  Also, it is much easier to get to France from here than, say, San Francisco or Madagascar (both places I interviewed for).  I feel like it's a bit of a dream to begin my first adult job, after all of these years in school, but I am psyched.

And then, as always, there is my weight.  I came from France at an embarrassingly high weight.  Not that I gained that much (four pounds), but I was too heavy before I left, and have not seen the scale budge since I returned.  Since my boyfriend is arriving in 55 days and I am about to start a new chapter in my life, now is just as good of a time as any to get into gear.  The results from Insanity will be so much better if change my eating and I will fit back into some of the clothes I would like to wear to work.  I am somewhat satisfied with how my body looks, to be honest.  I wish I didn't have such a double chin when I smile and that my thighs/arms/waist were a bit slimmer, but overall I think I have battled a lot of those demons when I was away this summer.  That being said, I know that when I am stressed and busy (which is about to happen), those thoughts creep back and certain behaviors return.  I am trying very hard to be health, but at the same time, I would love to reach my dream of 125 (well, my ultimate dream is 118, but it's impossible and I would probably look ill).  In short, I do not have a very well laid-out plan for my meals yet, but I am going to work on planning the next two weeks tonight and tomorrow and it is obvious that I need to track my calories.  The exercise I am doing is great and healthy.  I just need to keep the other bits healthy too.

How the hell is everyone???  I am up to date (for the most part) on reading, but I feel so disconnected.

A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.

In my head?

The past few days have been the first I have had to myself in almost two months.  Not that my life revolves around Allan, but I manage to give him a lot of my free time (which is not much) and have really enjoyed having someone so caring in my life.  He is going to be away for two weeks with his kids, visiting his family.

The most noticeable change since he left?  I feel FAT FAT FAT.  I will begrudgingly admit that I am TEN pounds over my comfortable weight.  Obviously, Allan keeps telling me I look perfect just the way I am.  And I want to believe him.  But then I went shopping yesterday to try on a dress - I still needed a very small size, but everything looked horrific.  My arms, my thighs, I just do not understand. One day I feel fabulous and confident and the next I want to just run a million miles and eat carrots until I am 120 lbs (I am SO far from that number right now it makes me cry).

I just do not understand.  Everyone else says I look normal, healthy, slender, pretty - and yet I just see my ever-growing chipmunk cheeks and disastrously large thighs.

Someday I am going to get out of this mindset, I swear.  I suppose I should consider myself lucky that even though my mind is so warped, I have only gone through brief periods where I truly let it affect how I ate.

I have been reading Thrive and Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier.  He is a vegan ultra-marathoner/iron man triathlete and a total beast.  He writes about how when he was training, even 8 hours a day, for a while he was putting on weight and could not figure out why.  Long story, short, is that he was eating the wrong kinds of foods and putting extra stress on his body (which translates to cortisol, that part is not really rocket science).  When he changed his diet, he had much more energy, could train longer and better, recover better, and stay at the optimal weight/muscle mass.  I have been trying to adopt some of his principles - much of what I eat is already in line with his program.  I think incorporating more raw foods would help though.  I eat mostly cooked foods, but already stay away from wheat and refined grains (generally speaking).  His diet, to me at least, is not really restrictive, but freeing, in the sense that you do not have to feel guilty about eating whatever you are eating on his regimen.

That was a detour.  But a happy detour from bad-body-thoughts-land, right?

Well, I have been down-for-the-count this past week with a cold (have not run since Monday), but I need to get myself up and ready for the day.  I think a quick trip to the grocery store for produce, several hours on campus doing homework, and meeting up with a friend are the little things on the agenda for today.

Sorry to be a bit of a downer.  I hope you are all doing ok.  It has been good to hear from some people who have been absent for a while (StickThin and Zette).  And for those of you who are consistently writing, I am glad to always hear from you too.

Oh, and at least I have been knitting quite a bit!  And receiving awesome packages from NJ, South Africa, Ireland, and beyond - thanks a million to my lovely ladies, you know who you are.

Nouvelle Ans

I am trying to enjoy my last weeks of vacation time before school begins (for the last semester!) but I am still feeling very unsettled.  2013, you must be better than 2012.  Truly, you must.

So what good things have happened so far this year?  Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs.  Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend.  On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego.  I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010.  It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun.  (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak.  I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9.  It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over.  I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.

I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading.  I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects.  I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho.  After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.

So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me.  I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat.  I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier.  I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others.  As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since.  I am so hurt by that.  I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily.  I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly.  I just miss him and want to know how he is.  I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever.  It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.

And then, as always, there is my horrific weight.  This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok.  I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back!  I am hovering between 139-141 every morning.  140, yes you read that right. 140.  Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental.  Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea.  That should help.  I have to get this under control.

How is everyone?  I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start.  For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.

Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy.  I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.

I suppose a bit of time has passed since I actually posted something worthwhile and with substance.

Where did I leave off?

Well, in the past two weeks, I had a birthday (goodbye to the first quarter-century of my life), became crazy-busy with worth and school, and continued my training.

My birthday was surprisingly nice, all around.  My friends and I went to dinner at a pizza place that makes gluten-free, vegan pizza, so I indulged in that and a glass of prosecco.  And, in fact, I felt in control, as I had run 12 miles that morning - hard.  I confused my training weeks and jumped the gun, running the 12 miles at my goal pace on the 9th instead of the 16th. Then, a few days later, I did an awesome track workout that left my sore all weekend.  I skipped my long run on the basis of legitimate exhaustion, and only ran 3 miles Monday.  My right achilles and hamstring are feeling funky, so yesterday was another day of rest.  I tried to do my temp run this morning but did about two miles before that awful pain in my hamstring returned - I'm headed to the pool after putting in 6 solid hours of work on campus.  Honestly, I have completed all of the hardest part of my training program, so now I just have to stay healthy until the marathon in 12 days (eek!)

In weight news, it is simply the same old, same old.  I am at my highest "allowable" weight (i.e. the weight that makes me so uncomfortable but it still somehow within my "normal" range) and cannot wait to work as hard as I am at this marathon training to shed at least fifteen pounds.  Even though it is embarrassing to admit and see 140-141 pounds every morning these days, I know when this is over, I can commit to losing.  I have reached my limit.  I have generally kept my promise of eschewing sugar for the month - with a brief slip up of a chocolate bar and, the horror, a donut (I just had an intense craving like none other... it wasn't even a vegan chocolate bar and there is no way in hell that donut was vegan, shame shame shame on me... so not worth it).

I am trying to focus on eating clean leading up to the marathon... I had puffed riced cereal with fruit and unsweetened soy milk for breakfast, a clif-bar and apple are on the lunch schedule, and I may skip dinner if I am not hungry after swimming.  In between I have nuun to rehydrate and maté tea (by the way, I buy the nuun in a pack of 8 on drugstore.com when they offer coupons/free shipping - it equals out to $0.35 a tablet, and I usually make mine with 32oz of water... seems expensive initially, but much cheaper than gatorade, and with no sugar).  I have to do a bunch of schoolwork tonight and try to get to bed at a decent hour, with hopes that I can run in the morning.

This is getting rambly now, but did I mention that Juan and I are "officially" back together - as per his declaration?  I am still being quite cautious, as he did not behave in an exemplary fashion in the first half of the year.  He seems to be sincere though and should be visiting again in the first two weeks of October.  After that, I will consider letting my parents know.

My knitting has taken a backseat to schoolwork now, but I managed to finish a section for a blanket (A co-worker of mine's mother died of cancer last week.  She was only in hospice for about a month and was quite young.  Everyone at the shop where I work knitted a long strip and the strips are being pieced together into a blanket.)  My second sock for my grammie (whose birthday was the 4th, so it is a bit belated) is about two-thirds complete.  Next, I must work on my brother's fiancée's wrap for their wedding on November 10th.  After that, I can spend a little time knitting for me and working on Christmas gifts as the weather gets cold.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far.  Sorry for being a total slacker with commenting.  I've been keeping up on Lulu's work escapades, Ruby's detox, Eloise's preparation for returning to school, Peri's bit of drama, Mich's new kitten, not to mention AnnaMaria, Lottie, Piggy, Belle, S., Avy, A Quiet Battle, and Ophelia... not to mention about a dozen other blogs.  I want to give everyone huge hugs from the bottom of my heart.  You ladies are irreplaceable.

Time to go to school... six hours of data entry and statistics!




125, you seem so far away...

Sugar-free September

This is just a quick post so I can put on the record that I am going sugar-free this month.  I know that sugar is addictive and recently, I have been consuming far too many sugary, processed sweet things.  They are neither good for my body or my brain.

Even though it is already the 5th, I am starting tomorrow morning, first thing.  I already threw away a few things from my pantry that are just too tempting for me to turn down.

With any luck, it will also help me start loosing again - we all know that this marathon training has led me to gain about seven pounds.

I encourage everyone to join me.  Do not waste calories on food void of nutrients.  Fruits, vegetables, grains, and plant-based proteins are the way to go!

Oh, and the second bout of tendonitis has subsided.  I swam two days and finally ran today.  Tomorrow, I think I have a 5-mile tempo run on the calendar.

That is all for tonight.

Sorry to be so negative, but...

I have to vent this somewhere.

I cried after getting off the scale this morning.  I have not weighed so much in several years.  Muscle or no muscle, I cannot handle this at all.

Taking a second rest day in hopes that my leg will feel all better tomorrow and I can run again.

Since I am resting, I want to keep my calories low.  There is no reason to eat so much today.

I am disgusted that I let this happen to myself.  It is MY fault, no one else's.

Thank you all for your kind words... Peri, Eloise, Mich, and Ruby and whoever else I am forgetting off the top of my head.  Thank you.

UGH

Sidelined by a bit of tendonitis AGAIN.

Fatter than ever.

How is training for a marathon NOT an obvious and easy way to lose weight?

Since I am taking a rest day from running, I think I will take a rest day from food too.

Busy and scattered

It's amazing that I gain any followers that this point.  My posting is only about once a week, at best, so I appreciate anyway who is bothering to join in and read.

I wish that as I was gaining followers, I was losing pounds.

Hit a new high today and I am absolutely disgusted/embarrassed.

Luckily, I can survive on two small meals, fruit, and coffee today.

This is a totally scatterbrained post...

I ran 19 miles on Sunday, which went relatively well.  I'm about to get my tush out the door right now for six, tomorrow is nine, and I forget what I have planned for the rest of the week.

Congratulations to Lulu on her new job!

Seriously, I apologize for this random stream of consciousness.

School started yesterday and I am already exhausted.  Today, I work from 9-2, go straight to campus to do more work with my professor all afternoon, and then class from 7:20-10.

Maybe, being so busy and relatively broke, will help me eat significantly less (since that is the only thing that will help me at this point)...

Hope everyone is well (or at least better than I am).

Same old, same old

My tendinitis has completely subsided, thank goodness.  I put in 12 solid miles yesterday, and my coach adjusted my schedule for the remaining weeks.  I was supposed to run 6 this morning with 10 strides at the end, but I did not fall asleep until midnight or so, so waking up at six this morning was not working.  I have to work until seven tonight, but I will go when I get home from work.  It actually works out, because I have to do 9 tomorrow, and have a conference call at 8:30 - meaning, I would have to be up quite early in order to run, shower and get ready for work, and be ready by 8:30 and off to work by 9:30.

That is about the only thing I am feeling good about right now.  I am SO incredibly discouraged about my weight.  I know I am a total broken record, but I think the pressure is finally building enough (especially with the beginning of the new school year looming right around the corner) that I will do something about it.  I had a very light breakfast of a little yogurt and melon this morning, and am packing rice with zucchini/edamame/red peppers, a sweet potato, kiwi, and plums for the rest of the day while I am out.  I do not have to move around much at my afternoon job, so I am sure I will have enough energy.  When I get home from work, I will have a quick snack of a few almonds, and then set out on my run.  As long as I stay hydrated and have a bit of caffeine, I should be fine.  If I continue with that every day, I should be able to lose a bit this week and for the rest of the time before the marathon.  Even with the protein smoothies I have been drinking on long run days, I should still be able to lose.  I need to lose.  I am at an embarrassing weight just on the cusp of my absolute limit.  Does anyone know a magic trick that would allow me to lose fifteen pounds overnight????

Last week was a trying week with Juan (again, broken record much?) - I had it out with him on Wednesday, which I absolutely hate.  He just has been wavering between treating me like his girlfriend and ignoring me, and I finally decided to try and get him to pick one or the other.  I am glad I said all the things I said, but I hate getting so upset and exasperated.  In the days following, he has been the kind of guy I know he can be.  I feel better about it, in general, but he has still managed to avoid just making a choice.  I will give it a few more days, ask again, and see what happens.  I get the impression that he does want to be together again, honestly, but I do not want him to just slip back into it.  I want him to tell me that this is his choice and that he will commit to this.  Under normal circumstances, it might be fine for two people to come together organically and without titles and official conversations, but as most of you know, he needs to regain my trust and make a true commitment to me.

Ah, I am going to be late for babysitting... not sure I have too much to say anyway.  If you have not popped over to Peri's blog, she made a hilarious video where she opened the package I sent.  You can see the adorable kiwi if you watch it.

Thank you all, immensely, from the bottom of my little heart, for reading and listening and giving me encouragement and love.  What would we do without each other?

Ridiculously fat

I feel so gross. I have to run tomorrow and I have got to basically stop eating. I can't take it anymore.

A set back

Where to begin?

As anyone who has read this blog with any regularity knows, my life this summer has been a tad bit busy.  I apologize for not updating more regularly, and more importantly, not commenting regularly. We are all in this together, encouraging those who need encouraging (particularly toward recovery) and giving love to those who need that too (no matter what sort of place they are in).

My weight right now is somewhat stable, but unfortunately it is not going down.  I know this is my own fault, as I have been eating enough to maintain (i.e. eating like a normal person, even mores, since this marathon training makes me so hungry!).  I hope that when I am done with this race, I will have the common sense and willpower, and decreased appetite to NOT continue eating like this, and with any luck, the weight will melt off more quickly thank usual.

Right now, in fact, I am laid up with an injury - tendinitis in my lower leg that began on Wednesday.  I took two solid days off, rester, wrapped, and iced, but yesterday I only got about a mile before it hurt again.  I am resting again today with hopes to run 3 miles tomorrow.  I was supposed to run 13.1 this morning and am supposed to run 20 next Sunday.  Hopefully, this is just a fluke and will go away quickly.  I really want to be able to finish my training and run this race.

I worked extra hours this week and even with the rest days I have been quite tired.  I woke up with a headache this morning and it has yet to go away, even with a  brief nap.  Fortunately, I did not waste my entire Sunday - I went to Trader Joe's and the asian grocery store (the BEST place for cheap produce) to stock up on my usual things (predominately produce - lots of stone fruits and melons in season right now- lettuce, cucumbers, kale, tofu, ya know, my standard low-cal vegan staples), managed to wash all of my bedding, and bake a birthday cake for my roommate who comes home tomorrow (I don't think I'll even have any, I don't want all of that sugar - if I do, a small slice, half-eaten will suffice).  Tonight, I have to do some work for my research assistantship and do some knitting.

Oh, in knitting news, I finished that cute yellow sweater I mentioned at some point.  I just need to get a decent photo of it.  I knit a moebius cowl for Jéanne that made its journey all the way to South Africa.  Then, I knit some surprises for Peri, and just mailed them off to New Zealand yesterday (I cannot tell what they are yet, she has not seen them!  With any luck, she'll take some photos or feature them in a vlog). With the leftover yarn from Lulu's daughter's tank top, I am knitting another one of the same sweaters for another friend of mine who has a daughter who is one-and-a-half.  I started a pair of socks for my grandmother for her 80th birthday at the beginning of September and I am also working on a wrap for my brother's fiancee for their wedding in November.  I want to get that all finished up so I can purchase yarn for a sweater for myself around my birthday next month.

Not sure if I have anything else to report on - my life is busy but not very exciting.  All of this training has left little time for worrying about the numbers on the scale and what I look like, fortunately.  I doubt the attitude will stick, but we can hope.  I am still hoping that even during the training this month I will lose some weight.  I am going to work hard on drinking protein smoothies for breakfast, preparing salads with extra protein for my dinner every night this week, getting my carbs during lunch and NOT snacking - it actually should not be too difficult, since I start babysitting again in the mornings and will be running around from place to place. I am honestly so tired of being at this weight, after having spent the last year five pounds less, and the first two months of the year hovering around 130.  I wanted to be 125 so long ago and have clearly not been dedicated enough to the cause.  Losing weight while marathon training is difficult and not terribly safe if you're not overweight, so I doubt much will happen until after September 30th.  After that, I think I will take a small break from running (and possibly eating) for a while.  We'll see.

It is incredibly strange to me, that if you (reading) were here in my every day life to witness how I eat and act, you would almost never know that I am so hung up on how heavy I am each day, how I scrutinize myself in the mirror every morning, and how I think so critically about every bit of food I eat, even if I continue to eat like a normal person.  How can all of this be in my head and not really show on the outside?  Sometimes I wish it would just take over and show on the outside a bit (or a lot).  I don't really know why.  Maybe because then I would actually be letting that part of my psyche take over and get something accomplished?  That does not sound very rational... who knows.

Gaining again

I emailed my coach to tell him that I was concerned about gaining weight.  He assured me that a few pounds are from retaining water while my muscles are inflamed, and the other few pounds are nothing to worry about and are, in fact, beneficial for a distance runner.

I am constantly so hungry, and eating more than usual. The combination of those two things is stressing me out and making me gain weight.  I am embarrassed with how much I weigh right now, I can't even post it.  I look in the mirror and can see it in my face and I feel it around my middle.  Luckily, my legs are starting to look a wee bit slimmer.  I just have to stop gaining.

In more positive news, however.  I finished a sweater, went home for the weekend, saw my friends and family, and ran 16 miles on Sunday.

Hopefully, after cutting back a little today, I won't be so heavy tomorrow.

Major kudos to Lulu, who is on day 6 of no bp.