Time to wake up from the dream

So Benjamin left almost a week ago.  We had such an amazing time, it was like a dream, honestly.  It was so good just to spend time together, with my friends, with my family and continue to grow closer.

I don't like to compare my relationships and feelings because it is sort of unfair in that every relationship is incredibly different, but I think in the end it is inevitable.  When I think about the love I have for Benjamin, it is on such a different level from what I had with Juan.  It's so mutual and trusting and solid.  I know we are working equally as hard and are equally dedicated.  Not to mention, you can feel how genuine and honest he is - when he says he is in this, I know he means that.  I feel a calmness and strength when I am with him that is unique to any relationship I have had.  Even though being far apart is going to be hard, I am truthfully not worried.  We are just grown-up partners who want to work together to share dreams and make something better… what a concept right?  With Juan, even though I loved him so intensely, I was constantly working to keep him.  It should not be like that.  It feels so damn good to be able to trust Benjamin and know he is a worthy guy.  And lest you think I am rushing this, I have known him for a little more than eight years now.  He was always amazing to Pauline and he has lived up to his reputation with me as well.

At this point, I cannot complain too much about the way things are shaking out.  I started my job (FINALLY!) last week and get a real, adult paycheck on the 26th.  Things are a little slow at the moment since it is a government job and many people are taking vacation/comp time/personal days before the end of the year.  In January, I have a bunch of projects to get rolling and I am excited to put my skills to use in a field that I love.  Additionally, I was able to negotiate unpaid leave when I began, so I did not have to cancel my trip to France for next week.  Yes, I know we just saw each other, but his parents invited me for the holidays.  I arranged the trip in September and since I have not accrued vacation days, I will be missing a week of work without being paid.  Obviously the trip will be entirely worth it.  On the downside, after this trip, we will probably not see each other again until May or June… that is a looooooong time.

So other than that, clearly I have turned into a little knitting factory in preparation for Christmas (and no, Mich, I haven't forgotten about the half-finished tea cozy that I began for you ages ago… it's on the top of the "to knit" list for 2014) and am trying my best to minimize eating.  I still have not worked out how I will exercise with this new work schedule, since I leave at 8 and am home at 5… it is dark at 6:30 and dark when I return home.  It has also been bitterly cold (15F) and snowy as of late.  I know when I am in France I will go running nearly every day with Benjamin and in January I plan to re-start Insanity, which I can do before or after work.  While Benjamin was here, we ate in restaurants and drank wine with great frequency.  I was working very hard on Piggy's challenge and managed to finally get below 140 (3 lb loss!) just before he arrived.  I gained some of that back over the past two weeks but have been quite strict in the week since he left and have at least one more to lose again.  My fridge is stocked with salad and kale!  I am hoping to get to 138 by this coming Friday.  That will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.  Then, I will be in France and while we will celebrate a lot, we will also be very active and there may not be as many vegetarian options for me to choose from.  So, I am hoping that between adding exercise and daily walking, I should stay the same.  Then we all know it will be 2014 and everyone will be making resolutions.  I make the same ones every year, but I think finally since my life is stable for the first time in forever, I may be able to reach them.  I am going to run another marathon in the spring, so this winter is the perfect time for me to finally reach my goal weight, improve my fitness (I don't think I will ever, ever, reach my UGW of 118, but at this point I would be happy with 125-128), and finally be content.  I know I am not content now.  Everything on my body is too big and my clothes are too tight.  My Frenchman is used to lithe, wispy girls… and while he is insistent that he loves me just as I am (he regularly tells me that asses like mine don't exist in France, which is true, since French girls don't exercise!) I know I could be so much better (for him and for me).

How is everyone doing?  I am quite behind on reading and definitely behind on commenting, but I am trying to get caught up over this snowy weekend…

Please head over to give Ruby some love and support, she just came home from treatment and you can find the details in her latest post.




Oh, and one last thing.  When Benjamin and I were visit Washington DC, we were being silly one afternoon and I was sort of sprawled on top of him on the bed pretending to sleep… this led him to jokingly(?) call me a "beached whale"… Yeah, yeah, I know… I was playfully hurt and let it slide until we went to dinner the next night.  After a few glasses of wine I gently laid it out.  I explained to him that it's not something I really like to joke about.  Both of my parents are always overnight or obese, I beta my first diet at age 10, and there have been periods of time in my life where I was essentially very eating disordered (though never diagnosed).  I told him that he can joke about anything but that.  I told him that I have a blog where I write all of my feelings about this nonsense so that I can contain it somewhere.  And you know what?  He apologized AND he said I was so brave for telling him that.  That he would have had no idea and that he really appreciated me telling him.  So, I guess that's good?

Nouvelle Ans

I am trying to enjoy my last weeks of vacation time before school begins (for the last semester!) but I am still feeling very unsettled.  2013, you must be better than 2012.  Truly, you must.

So what good things have happened so far this year?  Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs.  Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend.  On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego.  I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010.  It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun.  (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak.  I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9.  It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over.  I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.

I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading.  I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects.  I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho.  After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.

So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me.  I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat.  I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier.  I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others.  As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since.  I am so hurt by that.  I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily.  I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly.  I just miss him and want to know how he is.  I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever.  It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.

And then, as always, there is my horrific weight.  This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok.  I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back!  I am hovering between 139-141 every morning.  140, yes you read that right. 140.  Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental.  Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea.  That should help.  I have to get this under control.

How is everyone?  I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start.  For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.

Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy.  I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.

Fasting forward

Yesterday went fabulously until I realized it was one of the other coach's birthdays - in the morning, I ran for an hour, had a low-calorie breakfast and homemade vegetable soup for lunch.  Then, disaster struck.  I decided it was a great idea to bake cupcakes in her honor, so I made them in the bakery-size (i.e. jumbo) muffin pan - chocolate with cherry jam inside, ganache and amaretto soaked dried cherries on top.  I figured that we would eat in the dining hall and I could either say I was running home and sit in my car or just eat a little salad.  The girls, however, decided they wanted to go out for dinner.  The restaurant they chose is a pizza place without even a decent salad on their menu.  So, I ordered a personal pizza, thin crust, veggies, no cheese.  It was delicious, but as I was eating it, I could feel my stomach getting cranky from the gluten.  I finished 2/3, which was entirely too much and guzzled down two glasses of water.  We then went back to the birthday girl's apartment for cupcakes, where, of course, I ate an entire cupcake, even knowing that I was full.  Afterward, we went to a bar and I had a glass of wine.

I came home and got on the scale last night and started to cry.  I know it was all of the food and drink, but honestly I felt completely worthless.  Especially since I went over my goals of not breaking 1000, had chocolate, and didn't know how to record my abhorrent intake,  and now there is no way I will be 130 by Sunday morning.

So, I am going to fast today - liquids only (tea, coffee, almond milk, maybe a little juice, and of course, water) - and maybe into tomorrow if I can keep it up.  I am going to the gym soon and will run before my class.  Hopefully for 45 minutes before my 45 minute class, but the tendons/muscles in my right ankle are swollen and have been hurting since my 6-miler yesterday morning.  Yet again, I am too ashamed to post my weight, but it's too far away from my goal, let's just settle with that.  My mini-goal for the day is to weigh less tonight than I did this morning.  Reasonable?  I think so.  Additionally, I am going to follow the rules of the challenge that Isobel posted.  So today's fast will leave me under 500 calories (20 pts), exercise between 10-20 pts, I can easily drink 2L of water (20), and I already had eight hours of sleep (20).  If I do that every day for ten days, I'll be much closer to my goal weight.

Thank you all for reading that rambling post, I hope you have a lovely skinny day.  I will be catching up and commenting to do my duty as a friend to all of you and to distract me from eating and thus piling more fat onto my body.

Thank you for inspiring and supporting me.  I am ever grateful.

Edit:  Coffee, soy milk, Emergen-C and water as my intake so far.  If I am feeling faint (as I am starting to feel sluggish now) I will have 1/2 a Clif Bar to get me through the rest of the day/night.  When I come home, I'll have miso soup for dinner.  At the gym, I burned 820 calories between my class and a 35 minute run.  I have already had three glasses of water, just five more and I've reached my 20 points.  I can do this today.  One last thing, I want legs just like this...