Dealing with stress

The past few weeks have been full of stress, and old habits are starting to creep back.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not resulting to over-exercising.  I am quite out of shape at the moment, and combining that with being way too busy, I have only carved out a bit of time for a bit of biking and running and yoga.  Most nights I have simply been too tired when I arrive home to bother going to the gym.  Of course I then feel insanely guilty and my self-destructive thoughts are reinforced.

Work has been crazy for more than a month... which is ok.  I do like to be busy and I am working on great projects.  This week, I directed an emergency training exercise with evaluators from our state agency, hospitals, the Red Cross, and more than twenty-five staff members and volunteers.  For the most part, everything went off without a hitch and my boss and the state evaluators were thrilled with the exercise.  Its nice to see your planning and efforts some to fruition.  But, since I have several more pressing projects, I need to write myself a detailed schedule to prepare for the next six weeks before Benjamin arrives (more on that in a moment).

Personally, my life has been fine with the exception of missing my husband and trying to support a friend through a VERY difficult time.  It is hard to be strong and supportive for her when the situation is so challenging and depressing.  I am trying my absolute best to be there for her, but she has made a handful of bad choices in addition to being dealt a crappy hand at the game of life.  I hope that something starts looking up for her soon... in the meantime, it makes me viciously miss my husband... I just want to talk to him in bed before we fall asleep and have someone to give me a big hug when it all makes me so sad that I cry.  It makes me miss my family a lot too, since many of her problems stem from her toxic parents and how they have really messed up her ability to have normal relationships and be independent.  My parents and I do not always get along perfectly, but the situation makes me incredibly grateful to have loving, supportive parents.  It is hard to realize how lucky you are when a good family is your normal.

As a result... and maybe it is a good sign that I so quickly recognize that the stress + loneliness = weird eating patterns... old habits have been resurfacing.  Nothing major... skipping a breakfast here, enjoying a rumbling stomach there.  I haven't bothered to see if I have lost any weight - though I doubt it.  It would be nice, but I want to try and hang onto healthy, even if it still makes me super sad that I am too heavy and too many of my beautiful clothes don't fit.

Not really sure where I am going with all of this...

Benjamin arrives soon.  August 24th to be exact.  While it would be lovely to have jet-setted to France to being our new life, it makes much more economic and practical sense for us to begin here.  So for the time being, I will have to be satisfied with a trip or two to Europe every year and my beautiful, kind, French husband by my side here in the States.  We are obviously so fortunate, so I wouldn't dare complain.  At this point, we are simply so excited to be on the same continent, that it wouldn't matter if we were in France, America, or Siberia.

It is weird to be excited and stressed and sad and hopeful and hating my body all at once.  I suppose it is fortunate that the positive thoughts mostly beat out the negative ones, but I feel like I will never be able to let go of the desire to be thin.  I didn't know how good I had it when I was easily and consistently fifteen pounds smaller.  Even then, I was sure I was fat.  Now that I actually am, I lust after the past and have trepidations for the future.  What if the feeling goes away?  What if I am never comfortable in my own skin?  What if I am doomed to a life of trying to be thin and never achieving the goal?  It's a bit heavy (pun intended?) to think about.

I miss writing here and interacting with everyone.  I's my own fault for neglecting the space. How is everyone?

All over the place

My life is all over the place right now.  Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...

Let's go back to the half-marathon in June.  To be honest, it was a complete disaster!  I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces.  My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable.  No, I just had pain everywhere.  Everywhere.  By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail.  Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race.  So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there.  Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up.  By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running.  I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20.  My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.

Since the race my training has been going ok.  Not great, but I am making my way through the program.  I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area.  I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes.  Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7.  I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012.  I have lost speed on my regular easy runs.  I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work.  I guess time will tell.

At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible.  We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes.  Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine.  The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple.  We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.

Work has been going well.  My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed.  I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency.  It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens.  (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel.  While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community.  When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible.  When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis.  I find that encouraging!)

And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline.  I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high.  After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now.  Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love.  She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder.  I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car.  I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum.  I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained.  It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it).  I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it.  But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am?  I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.

Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful.  Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her.  And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding.  She was there with her new baby and husband.  And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse.  I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me.  I cried before I went to the party.  I am so embarrassed.

On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night.  I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault.  While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution?  Drown my feelings in food!  This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television.  Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food?  With my body?  Why???



So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.

Time to wake up from the dream

So Benjamin left almost a week ago.  We had such an amazing time, it was like a dream, honestly.  It was so good just to spend time together, with my friends, with my family and continue to grow closer.

I don't like to compare my relationships and feelings because it is sort of unfair in that every relationship is incredibly different, but I think in the end it is inevitable.  When I think about the love I have for Benjamin, it is on such a different level from what I had with Juan.  It's so mutual and trusting and solid.  I know we are working equally as hard and are equally dedicated.  Not to mention, you can feel how genuine and honest he is - when he says he is in this, I know he means that.  I feel a calmness and strength when I am with him that is unique to any relationship I have had.  Even though being far apart is going to be hard, I am truthfully not worried.  We are just grown-up partners who want to work together to share dreams and make something better… what a concept right?  With Juan, even though I loved him so intensely, I was constantly working to keep him.  It should not be like that.  It feels so damn good to be able to trust Benjamin and know he is a worthy guy.  And lest you think I am rushing this, I have known him for a little more than eight years now.  He was always amazing to Pauline and he has lived up to his reputation with me as well.

At this point, I cannot complain too much about the way things are shaking out.  I started my job (FINALLY!) last week and get a real, adult paycheck on the 26th.  Things are a little slow at the moment since it is a government job and many people are taking vacation/comp time/personal days before the end of the year.  In January, I have a bunch of projects to get rolling and I am excited to put my skills to use in a field that I love.  Additionally, I was able to negotiate unpaid leave when I began, so I did not have to cancel my trip to France for next week.  Yes, I know we just saw each other, but his parents invited me for the holidays.  I arranged the trip in September and since I have not accrued vacation days, I will be missing a week of work without being paid.  Obviously the trip will be entirely worth it.  On the downside, after this trip, we will probably not see each other again until May or June… that is a looooooong time.

So other than that, clearly I have turned into a little knitting factory in preparation for Christmas (and no, Mich, I haven't forgotten about the half-finished tea cozy that I began for you ages ago… it's on the top of the "to knit" list for 2014) and am trying my best to minimize eating.  I still have not worked out how I will exercise with this new work schedule, since I leave at 8 and am home at 5… it is dark at 6:30 and dark when I return home.  It has also been bitterly cold (15F) and snowy as of late.  I know when I am in France I will go running nearly every day with Benjamin and in January I plan to re-start Insanity, which I can do before or after work.  While Benjamin was here, we ate in restaurants and drank wine with great frequency.  I was working very hard on Piggy's challenge and managed to finally get below 140 (3 lb loss!) just before he arrived.  I gained some of that back over the past two weeks but have been quite strict in the week since he left and have at least one more to lose again.  My fridge is stocked with salad and kale!  I am hoping to get to 138 by this coming Friday.  That will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.  Then, I will be in France and while we will celebrate a lot, we will also be very active and there may not be as many vegetarian options for me to choose from.  So, I am hoping that between adding exercise and daily walking, I should stay the same.  Then we all know it will be 2014 and everyone will be making resolutions.  I make the same ones every year, but I think finally since my life is stable for the first time in forever, I may be able to reach them.  I am going to run another marathon in the spring, so this winter is the perfect time for me to finally reach my goal weight, improve my fitness (I don't think I will ever, ever, reach my UGW of 118, but at this point I would be happy with 125-128), and finally be content.  I know I am not content now.  Everything on my body is too big and my clothes are too tight.  My Frenchman is used to lithe, wispy girls… and while he is insistent that he loves me just as I am (he regularly tells me that asses like mine don't exist in France, which is true, since French girls don't exercise!) I know I could be so much better (for him and for me).

How is everyone doing?  I am quite behind on reading and definitely behind on commenting, but I am trying to get caught up over this snowy weekend…

Please head over to give Ruby some love and support, she just came home from treatment and you can find the details in her latest post.




Oh, and one last thing.  When Benjamin and I were visit Washington DC, we were being silly one afternoon and I was sort of sprawled on top of him on the bed pretending to sleep… this led him to jokingly(?) call me a "beached whale"… Yeah, yeah, I know… I was playfully hurt and let it slide until we went to dinner the next night.  After a few glasses of wine I gently laid it out.  I explained to him that it's not something I really like to joke about.  Both of my parents are always overnight or obese, I beta my first diet at age 10, and there have been periods of time in my life where I was essentially very eating disordered (though never diagnosed).  I told him that he can joke about anything but that.  I told him that I have a blog where I write all of my feelings about this nonsense so that I can contain it somewhere.  And you know what?  He apologized AND he said I was so brave for telling him that.  That he would have had no idea and that he really appreciated me telling him.  So, I guess that's good?

My weight is finally going down a little bit, slowly but surely.

I am feeling a bit stressed, as my current job (I am filling in as a receptionist at the veterinary practice where I always worked during college/before grad school) is kind of insane AND my job offer is kind of on the rocks.  Basically, I failed the civil service requirements for the position (it's the state-level HR who decides that, even though it is the county that is hiring me).  So, my future boss's solution was to propose to his personnel department that they change the job title and experience requirements (they counted me as being 8 months shy of having the required work experience) so that it will be a sure thing.  As long as the county government approves the change on November 13th, I will begin working under a provisional basis on December 5th.  Then, the position must be publicly posted.  The only thing that could lose me this position would be if a veteran applies for it during that provisional period.  The chances of that are slim, but essentially I could work in the position for three to four months and then lose it.  I am trying to stay hopeful without being excited.  On the upside, since I will not begin my new job before Benjamin arrives, I will have plenty of time to spend with him (the big downside being that my funds for entertaining him will be severely limited).

I stopped doing Insanity when I realized that I cannot waste all of the beautiful running weather we have been having.  I have been doing a fair bit of trail running and yoga with my friend who is training to be a yoga instructor.  Unfortunately, I have completely wiped out on the trail twice in the past few weeks - there are so many leaves!  It's hard to see where you are running, and on Thursday I went for a short, but intense run (a little over 4 miles total with the first and last miles at 5k race pace) and fell flat on my face somewhere at the end of the 4th mile. This weekend I was able to run some more and went hiking with my friend.  Today I ran another four miles, and I am feeling pretty good in that department.

Eating has been… ok?  I have been eating mostly three square meals.  I skip meals occasionally, mostly out of being busy rather than an actual effort to deprive myself of food.  With the exception of some very tempting Halloween candy at work for one or two days, I hardly eat there (kale salad, a piece of fruit, and LOTS of tea).  I know that going into the holiday season and in preparation for Benjamin's visit, I need to seriously cut back.  Today, after my run, I had a fairly large breakfast, but since I ate late, I may just skip lunch, stick to tea, and have dinner when I return from work.

Most of my clothes are fitting better again and I am feeling pretty positive in the body image department, which is a small miracle.  I still have some articles that I would like to fit better, and I would be MUCH happier if I was seeing ten pounds less on the scale each morning.  I need to remain level headed, since I know when I start this new job, I will be stressed and I want to try and avoid destructive behaviors.  Even though I am in a relatively good place at the moment, I know it does not take much to tip me to the negative side.  Even now, for example, I splurged on some fancy lingerie for when Benjamin is here, and while my friend came with me and I trusted her to give me her true and honest opinions, I felt horribly self conscious and thought to myself that I would look so much better if my thighs were that much smaller and I was X pounds lighter.  We all know that in most cases, if someone is attracted to you (of whichever gender) and you are wearing something provocative/nothing at all, they are rarely critical and are just excited at the prospect.  I know he won't judge me, so why can't I stop judging myself?

A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.

Where does the time go?

My it has been quite a while since I last spilled my feelings out around here.  I have noticed a lot is going on with people, as usual, but I have merely been lurking silently in the background.

So what is new?

Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned.  Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep.  He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him.  The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days.  On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter.  The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation.  We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards.  The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly.  This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances,  but I am glad it is working.  He is truly so kind.

Enough of my gushing...

I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail.  By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out.  I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months.  Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it.  The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university.  Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.

My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running.  I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it.  Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR.  I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know).  I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly.  It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.

And how is everyone else doing?  Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.



Just a teeny, tiny edit:

A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook.  Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously...  She would not be obese at a size 10.  In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight.  And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are.  This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin.  Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know?  Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!

"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."