So much for that

So Avy was kind enough to remind me that I have been quite absent around here as of late.

Well, it started off great after my last post.  I was in this good, strong, determined mindset.  Really, I was feeling confident and pretty carefree.  And then…

I guess that feeling lasted a little while, but the past week has been incredibly stressful at work and I know I have gained.  Add to that some triggering comments and realizations from a friend and my short-lived confidence is waning fast.

All of the tiny moments where I look in the mirror or feel the extra flesh on my side.  I just cannot take it anymore.  I want to be thin again.  I know realistically, statistically, clinically, I am fine.  I am normal.  I am "healthy."  But each time I see a photograph of myself or catch a glimpse in the mirror, those sublet, sneaky feelings of ugliness and fatness (which given my feminism should not be equated in my mind, since being fat is not ugly and does not determine one's worth) have returned.  Maybe there really is no escaping them after all?

So what am I to do?

For the moment I am trying to focus on the bare minimum.  Work, which has been insane the past week and will not let up until next weekend.  Benjamin, because he is the purest, most shining light in my life.  And finally, controlling this ridiculous appetite I seemed to have re-acquired.  I am no debutante here, I know how my body needs to be retrained to work on less and finally see the scale ticking downward.  While the results will not fix all of my problems, I know they will quiet those loud thoughts of self-doubt that have crept in.  Even though it is a vicious cycle, for now I can handle it.  I deserve to be a look at feel better.  And at this size, I never will.

My first goal is a deliciously gorgeous silk dress that I would like to wear for Easter.  Besides the fact that my arms are massive and lack any definition (an issue all in itself), the dress is simply too tight across the hips to be worn in public.  By the end of April, it will fit comfortably.

Mark my words.

In my head?

The past few days have been the first I have had to myself in almost two months.  Not that my life revolves around Allan, but I manage to give him a lot of my free time (which is not much) and have really enjoyed having someone so caring in my life.  He is going to be away for two weeks with his kids, visiting his family.

The most noticeable change since he left?  I feel FAT FAT FAT.  I will begrudgingly admit that I am TEN pounds over my comfortable weight.  Obviously, Allan keeps telling me I look perfect just the way I am.  And I want to believe him.  But then I went shopping yesterday to try on a dress - I still needed a very small size, but everything looked horrific.  My arms, my thighs, I just do not understand. One day I feel fabulous and confident and the next I want to just run a million miles and eat carrots until I am 120 lbs (I am SO far from that number right now it makes me cry).

I just do not understand.  Everyone else says I look normal, healthy, slender, pretty - and yet I just see my ever-growing chipmunk cheeks and disastrously large thighs.

Someday I am going to get out of this mindset, I swear.  I suppose I should consider myself lucky that even though my mind is so warped, I have only gone through brief periods where I truly let it affect how I ate.

I have been reading Thrive and Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier.  He is a vegan ultra-marathoner/iron man triathlete and a total beast.  He writes about how when he was training, even 8 hours a day, for a while he was putting on weight and could not figure out why.  Long story, short, is that he was eating the wrong kinds of foods and putting extra stress on his body (which translates to cortisol, that part is not really rocket science).  When he changed his diet, he had much more energy, could train longer and better, recover better, and stay at the optimal weight/muscle mass.  I have been trying to adopt some of his principles - much of what I eat is already in line with his program.  I think incorporating more raw foods would help though.  I eat mostly cooked foods, but already stay away from wheat and refined grains (generally speaking).  His diet, to me at least, is not really restrictive, but freeing, in the sense that you do not have to feel guilty about eating whatever you are eating on his regimen.

That was a detour.  But a happy detour from bad-body-thoughts-land, right?

Well, I have been down-for-the-count this past week with a cold (have not run since Monday), but I need to get myself up and ready for the day.  I think a quick trip to the grocery store for produce, several hours on campus doing homework, and meeting up with a friend are the little things on the agenda for today.

Sorry to be a bit of a downer.  I hope you are all doing ok.  It has been good to hear from some people who have been absent for a while (StickThin and Zette).  And for those of you who are consistently writing, I am glad to always hear from you too.

Oh, and at least I have been knitting quite a bit!  And receiving awesome packages from NJ, South Africa, Ireland, and beyond - thanks a million to my lovely ladies, you know who you are.

Where does the time go?

My it has been quite a while since I last spilled my feelings out around here.  I have noticed a lot is going on with people, as usual, but I have merely been lurking silently in the background.

So what is new?

Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned.  Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep.  He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him.  The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days.  On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter.  The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation.  We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards.  The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly.  This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances,  but I am glad it is working.  He is truly so kind.

Enough of my gushing...

I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail.  By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out.  I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months.  Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it.  The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university.  Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.

My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running.  I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it.  Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR.  I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know).  I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly.  It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.

And how is everyone else doing?  Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.



Just a teeny, tiny edit:

A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook.  Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously...  She would not be obese at a size 10.  In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight.  And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are.  This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin.  Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know?  Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!

"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."

So much to say

Somehow managed to get kicked out of the wedding I was supposed to be in on July 27th.
Too much running around and driving and eating all weekend. I am totally fat and run-down.
I promise I will write something worthwhile with lot of details this week.
Thinking of you, Mich.
Much love to my faithful few... You know who you are.
And Dani, welcome back. You will beat this.