Exhausted

My head is spinning.

This semester has been so incredibly busy.  Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.

Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font.  Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...).  My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in.  I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal.  Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight.  I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down.  Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate.  While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship.  I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.

As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated.  His life is just so. damn. complicated.  Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens.  Between us, everything is lovely.  He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him.  It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term.  Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August.  Yeah.  With two older kids already.  I know.  I know.  But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind.  Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that.  And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life.  He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him.  Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that.  I will be very sad to leave him when I go away.  It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.

People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer.  The truth is, this too is complicated.  Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun.  It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear.  Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love.  I miss my Popi so so so so much.  I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me.  Having such a close friend die is unimaginable.  The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child.  And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this.  I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here.  I don't know.  Some days I wake up and forget she is dead.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends.  It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.

On the weight front, things are in shambles.  I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must.  I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions.  The result?  I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW.  I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry.  It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices.  He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes.  I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says.  My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs.  This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way.  I am positive that will help me slim down a bit.  The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?

And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week.  I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well.  I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all.  If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem.  In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am.  I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are).  I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences.  I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem?  They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?).  Merci beaucoup.  Grazie mille.  Muchas gracias.

Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house.  Graduation.  Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made.  Packing and moving.  Tearful goodbyes with Allan.  Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move.  Because I didn't have enough to do, right?

Nouvelle Ans

I am trying to enjoy my last weeks of vacation time before school begins (for the last semester!) but I am still feeling very unsettled.  2013, you must be better than 2012.  Truly, you must.

So what good things have happened so far this year?  Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs.  Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend.  On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego.  I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010.  It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun.  (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak.  I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9.  It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over.  I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.

I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading.  I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects.  I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho.  After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.

So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me.  I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat.  I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier.  I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others.  As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since.  I am so hurt by that.  I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily.  I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly.  I just miss him and want to know how he is.  I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever.  It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.

And then, as always, there is my horrific weight.  This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok.  I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back!  I am hovering between 139-141 every morning.  140, yes you read that right. 140.  Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental.  Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea.  That should help.  I have to get this under control.

How is everyone?  I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start.  For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.

Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy.  I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.

The saddest journey

So, I have returned from my short trip to France.

There really isn't very much to say, other than the trip was so incredibly sad in a way that I cannot describe with the words I know.

My heart is permanently broken.  I have lost the two great loves of my life this year.

Hopefully with a little time, I'll feel more of a desire to write and let my feelings out here, but for now, I just... I can't...

Thank you all for your kind comments, emails, messages on Facebook, thoughts, and prayers.  I know that some of you have had the unfortunate experience of losing someone very close to you and can relate to my intense sadness.

I forgot about the blog I tried to keep about all of the things I love about France.  There are only a few posts, and most are totally irrelevant, but I wrote a lovely account of the summer I met her, here.

For those of you who might want to read what I wrote to my darling Popi, here is the letter I read and buried with her...

My Honey,

Do you remember that bright summer day seven years ago when we first met? I was incredibly nervous as we drove to the airport, and I cannot even imagine how you must have felt sitting on that plane about to embark on such a grand adventure with complete strangers. My mother always says that we sat in the back seat of our car and did not stop talking for a second the entire ride home. The funny thing is, that day is the perfect illustration for how quickly our unbreakable bond formed and why I will never have another friend like you.

Even though I have only had the privilege of seeing you every few years, whenever we are together, our sisterly bond reignites immediately, and I wonder how I was getting on, all that time, without you by my side. I have never known someone with whom I felt so instantly comfortable and secure. You are the only one I trust with my innermost dreams, knowing you will guard them and keep them safe. Pauline, you have brought so much joy into my life with your humor, kindness, and generosity. What will I do without you?

As your friend, I promise to hold on desperately to the many memories we have together, both significant and silly. The parties, Christmases, and birthdays, young love, so many shared delicious meals and glasses of wine, road trips, inside jokes, singing songs at the top of our lungs, trying to learn Spanish in the car, writing letters and sending packages, Skyping from every corner of the United States and Europe, and lots of laughter, tears, hugs, and kisses. Through all of it, I know that our hearts and souls are forever tied together – something that will not cease even though you have left us.

As your friend, I promise to continue to love and support your amazing family and friends, who have so graciously accepted me into their fold. I will make your parents and grandparents proud. I will treat Guillaume and Mathilde as my own brother and sister, and try my best to guide them and support them as they grow as young adults. I will reminisce with Benjamin about the wonderful times we shared with you. I will support Marmotte, Kevin, Nem, Anne-So, Ceclie and the rest of our friends as they grieve, and make sure we all honor your life by exemplifying your love of life and adventurous spirit.

I hope you know how truly loved you are, Pauline. You will be indescribably missed by every person whose life you managed to touch in your 24 years. While we will be filled with a deep sorrow for the rest of our days, I know that even now you would want us to look back on your life and smile.

I love you more than you can even comprehend, my sister from across the ocean, juste en face de New York,
Je t’aime toujours,
Sarah

Paris was as grey as I was, the other day

Photographs

From these photos, it's obvious why I am so desperate to shed a significant amount of excess poundage. My friend Pauline is only about an inch shorter than me, but at her heaviest she weight 119-120. I am 132. FML. Originally my goal was 125. Scratch that. <120.

Je suis rentrée encore!

I apologize for the extended absence. My friend from France has been here for the past month and we were busy adventuring all over the place and because we shared my room while she was here blogging about my weight woes was not really an option.

We had a fabulous time (see the photos I will post later today) and she inspired me to keep my eating controlled, even when we were eating out. My friend Pauline is impossibly thin, and unfortunately, she makes me look ridiculously large in photos next to her.

Where am I now? Well, my weight was 132.2 this morning - respectable, only a slight gain over the three weeks, which is shocking, considering how often we ate out, had dinner parties (for my birthday!!!) and drank good wine. My goal this week is to get down to 130 or less, because Juan is arriving on Monday??? I can hardly believe it myself, but he has to come to Philadelphia for business and extended his trip a few days to be able to see me and meet my family. I am insanely nervous and excited at the same time - hopefully this will allow me to barely eat for the next week and lose these pesky pounds.

I hope everyone (anyone?) who reads this has been having a lovely September - back to school for some, or in my case the first time not going to school since I was 4.

I really want to catch up on everyone's blogs and get back to motivating each other...

Not so good

I was ecstatic to see that my weight had managed to get down under 131. I didn't have a great day today, and now I am 134.6 before going to bed. I won't eat anything else for the rest of the evening, and I took an extra four cleanse pills just so I feel at ease.

I was working so hard and I need to get my focus back. Pauline will be here in just two days and I wanted to be 130 then.

Fast tomorrow? Great idea. Any takers?

Rainy Day

Normally, the rain makes me a bit melancholy, but the scale read 131.6 this morning, which helps lift my mood.Juan has been acting very "boyfriendly" lately and I am not so sure what to make of it. He told me last night, "I want to take you on a date soon." I won't believe a thing until I am picking him up from the airport (if) when he comes to visit.

I still really haven't gotten back into my running regimen. Last week I ran four times, but then this week it has been really rainy. Tomorrow, I need to just lace up my kicks and go once I am finished with my pet-sitting appointment.

My friend Pauline, from France, will be here on the 3rd of September. I am planning a trip to Montreal for labor-day weekend, which should be lovely. I have to work on Saturday, but after work, Pauline and I will drive up to my brother's, just north of Albany. Then we'll all head to Montreal to sight-see Sunday/Monday. I booked us a night at Le Westin for Sunday night. I have a feeling it is going to be a great little adventure.

Rainy day thinspiration...

The same...

Time for another push. I had a few days where I was a bit relaxed with my eating. I am still at 133.6 and need to loose at least 4-5 pounds before the first week of September. My friend from France, Pauline, is coming to stay visit me for three weeks then. She is so tiny and the last time I saw her I weighed a lot more than I do now. I want to finally be under 130 by the time she is here.

When I get home tonight I am going to check the weather forecasts to see what days might be "run-able." I am also going to be pet-sitting for 17 days and will magically neglect to bring much food. That way I can just hang out and enjoy some alone-time (I need to stock up on reading material and DVDs from the library) and concentrate on not eating. Seeing Pauline and anticipating my upcoming birthday are great motivation to keep losing.

Did I mention I adopted a new cat? Meet Louisette...

The family that had her just had another baby who is allergic to their dogs and cat. Therefore, they had to relinquish "Charcoal" to someone else, and that someone else happens to be me! She's a Snowshoe Siamese (kind of on the chunky side, with a stumpy tail and crossed eyes) and she is fitting in nicely. She really likes me and I really like having a cat of my own.