Better day

I am feeling a bit better today.  I had predominantly liquids yesterday, but my weight is still too high.  Thus, I will shoot for the same plan today, in hopes that tomorrow it will be down further.

Breakfast was a 170 calorie smoothie of frozen strawberries, almond milk, and a few carob chips.  I'll have homemade tomato soup for lunch with spinach and a splash of almond milk.  Depending on how I feel, I may or may not skip dinner.  Regardless, I cannot exercise today, because the roads were icy this morning and my stupid foot is not at all better.  I think I will be making an appointment to see the doctor on Friday.

I spent the morning job searching, and tonight I am going to apply for several.  I need to finish up my last two applications for schools (UMDNJ/Rutgers and Tufts) and get my bum in gear.  I am not feeling very motivated right now, mainly because I feel stuck and frustrated at my current (low-paying, albeit temporary) job.  I think that once I get the ball rolling and actually apply for jobs and finish my school applications, I will feel better about life.  I really want to move out of my parents' home and into my own place, and re-start my own life.  I miss living away from home where everything is in my control and no one is going to harp on me for forgetting to clean the litterbox one day or leaving a dirty dish in the sink.

Anyway, enough of my rambling.

Much love to everyone who expressed kindness and support to me yesterday.  I really couldn't go on without you.

And one last thing, I casually mentioned to Juan, while we were Skyping, that 100 people were reading my blog now.  He knows that I started one over the summer to vent frustrations and whatnot.  Of course he asks, "Can I read it?"  and I sort of panicked!  I told him that it's basically a diary that is anonymous and I don't want anyone I know in real life to read it at all.  I then Googled various combinations of my full name/blog/blogspot/email address and luckily did not find it.  I would be really upset if he tried to find this and was successful.  He doesn't really know about my disordered brain and eating habits and he would never understand.  Particularly because I am still fat... people understand skinny people with eating problems, not people who look like me.  Ugh...

Ne mange pas!

I could have been under 135 today but I a)had some fruit before bed and b) weighed once when I got up (135.2), ate a baby yogurt, went to the bathroom and weighed 135.0... that means I should have been under 135! UGH.

Tonight, I am going to come home from work, go for a short run, and then bake for my friend's birthday party tomorrow.

I will likely eat something small

before work at four o'clock and then bring coffee with me. It is my goal to not eat when I get home. That is the only way I will be under 135 tomorrow.

I feel like I have been working very hard lately to keep my eating under control. I was exactly 135.0 this morning and I really haven't been exercising at all lately because of this God-awful weather.

I hereby swear that I will go for a run tomorrow morning. I can do it.

Is anyone else itching to travel? I studied abroad in Paris during college and my heart is just aching to go back. I think all of this up and down nonsense with Juan just makes me want to escape everything for a while. J'adore la France. I need to just buy a ticket and go. I don't know what I will find when I get there, but hopefully something worthwhile...

I had another "fight" with Juan on Tuesday night and I haven't spoken to him in more than twenty-four hours. It feels horrible, but he has been so awful to me lately that I just have to stick to my principles.

Work is keeping me busy enough that I don't have time to eat, which is fantastic. I go in either from 12-8 or 4-8 and do not take lunch breaks. I feel really powerful when I resist food.

Breakfast this morning was about six cherries, 4 mini baguette slices (probably one inch thick) with a bit of jam, and café au lait du soja.

Parisian inspired thinspo