Really?

Finally my weight is going in the right direction.

As promised, I went for a run to support Isobel yesterday.

132.8 this morning, I guess skipping a few meals pays off sometimes.

122.8 would be so much better.

I received some VERY bad news about my school funding this week - not really sure what to do.  It's really the last thing I needed right now.  When I finally get my head wrapped around some sort of plan, I promise to write about it.  If I was over the edge the other day when I posted, I think I just fell off the cliff.

I have lunch with a friend scheduled for today, but I picked the place and they have a ton of great salads, which is the only food I never feel guilty about eating.  I had a two slices of rice toast (well, one slice and the nub of the loaf) for breakfast and now I am sipping my coffee.  Lunch will be salad, then I plan to make more coffee and let that get me through the evening.  When I get home from work at five, I am going to squeeze in a run before I go to class at 7:20.

I want to put my life on pause for a while.  I cannot handle all of this right now.

The best thing in my life is that working at the yarn shop, I can get a lot of knitting done, and I am finished with the front, back, and half of the sleeves for a sweater.  I then have a ton of other things on my queue... including some treats to send overseas to South Africa and New Zealand (you know who you are!)... Northern hemisphere-ers, you can wait a few months.

Anyone want to send me money for a plane ticket so I can just drop my life for a while and come visit you? Oh, and that would also include you adopting me temporarily, at least...

And of course, in my infinite wisdom, I texted Juan on Monday when I heard my bad news.  I hate this.  I miss him so much.

Broken record

I am sorry it has taken me a little while to write another update.  Though it's hardly a valid excuse, I am incredibly busy right now.  School began again, and I am collecting data for two different research projects for my assistantship.  In addition to my assistantship and nine hours per week at the law firm, I began working at the local yarn shop this week too (eight hours, but I think normally I'll be working six).

I squeezed in a few runs this week, last weekend I ran 10.5 on Saturday, then took a few days off due to my schedule/lack of motivation.  I only ran 4.5 on Thursday and now it's Saturday again and I have not run.  Maybe I will find the time tomorrow, but tonight I am babysitting until quite late, have to attend a church service in the morning to hand out some surveys, and my friends are coming over for dinner at 6:30.  In between all of that, I have a study design and policy analysis to complete, among other assignments.  It's funny, because when I am in the midst of doing all of these things, it really does not seem so overwhelming - but when I write it down, it seems a little crazy.

I am still trying to sneak in some knitting time - I am finishing my brother's scarf, I need to complete an embroidery project this week too, and then I have things to knit for my Etsy shop (it's empty right now but it will be filled with cowls soon!), surprises for Peri, Mich & Jéanne (among all of the other lovely bloggers I would love to knit for too), and for Lulu's sweet daughter (among about seven or eight additional projects).

My weight this morning was 132.8 - I am working hard on getting back to <130.  I did so well for a while - even through the holidays, but lately I have been waking up around 133.  I am sure that taking yet another rest day will be shooting myself in the foot, weight-wise.  Tomorrow, I am going to try and sneak in a short run in the morning.  A few more during the week, and then my 10-mile race is on Sunday the 1st.

Fortunately, (well, really unfortunately), I cannot go grocery shopping again for a few weeks.  I need to pay off the small balance on my credit card and then it will be time for rent/utilities/car/renter's insurance again.  I am really lucky that I have these few part-time jobs that allow me a little cushion for luxuries like a hair cut, or sending packages to my friends, or buying yarn.  Next month will be the first in six months that I will finally be able to put a little money away.  And, my mom told me I am getting money back for my tax return - this is a great relief, since I literally live paycheck-to-paycheck and on student loans, and if I ever needed emergency money (like if something happens to my car), I will either have to beg my parents or be up the creek.  My parents are very generous - they still let me remain on their health insurance and handle the cel-phone policy (I pay for my own line, but it's much cheaper being on their plan than by myself).  My grandmother sends me a little money each month with instructions to "buy vegetables."  I have to be grateful for what I have, because I know many people have much less and get by.

So, I suppose I am leaving this post in the same place I have been for a while - busy, feeling fat and physically incompetent, emotionally tired, and trying to be hopeful that I can handle all of the work, run further, faster, and finally see the scale tick down under 120, and somehow find peace.  I am a broken record.

Sorting things out

Thank you all so so so so much for your advice and words of encouragement and sympathy this week.

This are sort of worked out with my family.  My mom sent me a brief apology email on Friday morning, but I barely know what to make of the whole thing.  My head is still in a jumble.  I think that I need to just try and distance myself a little more - which is silly since I live a few hundred miles away.  I just can't take emotional manipulation like that.

132.8 this morning and 130.8 after my run.  If I do really well the next two weeks at school and eat like a bird when I go home, I should end up under 130 by Christmas or at least the 30th, when Juan arrives.

When finals are over, I hopefully will have the time to give some proper replies to all of the beautiful things you wrote.  Thank you so much for caring.

Down a little bit more

132.6 after my run today - the lowest number I have seen in ages.  That puts my real weight somewhere between 133.8-134.8 or so.  Getting under 130 by Christmas seems totally doable now.  If I can hit 125 by the time I go to California for New Year's Eve, I will be thrilled.

Thank you for all the well-wishes for my night out on Tuesday.  I met my friends at a tapas place, and my friend and I ordered a small sauteed mushroom tapas and a pitcher of sangria to share.  I ate very lightly during the day, so it worked out really well.  The sangria was enough to get me buzzed and I did not gain any weight in the morning.

We were supposed to go running, but it rained all day.  Instead, we went to Trader Joe's and the Asian market, where I stocked up on produce ($.99/lb persimmons and 20 for $1.00 clementines!).  We went to DSW, where I found my Saucony Kinvara2 shoes on sale for $50!

 

The last time I bought them, I paid somewhere right around $90, so I was thrilled.  My current pair have another 75-100 miles left in them still but I know I won't be able to find them cheaper anywhere else.  They are a minimalist shoe but more substantial than the Nike Free Run+ shoes I loved before this.  I went through two pairs of Nike Frees and found they were not holding up for my half-marathon training.  These have been great - I recommend them to anyone without major pronation problems who is looking for less cushy than a traditional shoe but on the more substantial end of the minimalist scale.

After shoe shopping, we went to a Lebanese place for lunch (for breakfast, I made us oatmeal, and made her double the amount I made for me) and I had unsweetened tea, a small salad and a cauliflower pita.  For dinner I made lentil and vegetable stew.  The only naughty things I ate on Wednesday were a few pieces of baklava (my weakness) and a few pieces of chocolate.  Yesterday was a good day eating-wise, again except for a few pieces of chocolate, but I managed to still lose a little and the chocolate is gone now.

Today will be a light eating day again, yogurt and fruit for breakfast, rice cakes for a snack, a small bowl of lentil soup, and steamed veggies of salad for dinner.  The only thing that would be better is if I could have run on both Wednesday and Thursday, but the rain ruined that.

This weekend I have to edit a group paper and catch up on some reading and other schoolwork, and then I guess I am going home for Thanksgiving.  I really don't want to, to tell you the truth, but my parents want me to come home.

I hope everyone is doing well and can breathe a big sigh of relief that is is Friday!  I hope you all have a lovely, low-calorie, exercise-induced endorphin-rushed weekend...

Quickly

I don't have very much to say on the weight loss front.  I was 132.4 after my run this morning, but 135.6 when I woke up.

I ran 10.05 miles in 1:27:15.

4.5 Monday, 6.2 Wednesday, 4.5 Thursday, 6.2 Friday, 10.05 today = 31.45 and I will probably do an easy 4-4.5 tomorrow.  Then again, if my legs are as tired in the morning as they are now, I may just take an additional rest day.

Fat free day

My goal today is to have a fat free day.  What I mean is not adding ANY extra fats to my food at all (no nuts/oils/etc.)

I woke up early and went to my class at the gym, just got home and had 1/3c oatmeal with diced peaches, a 1/2 tsp molasses, cinnamon, nutmeg, and 1/4c plain soy yogurt.  That comes to 215 calories.  A lot, I know, but I just got home from a tough class at the gym.  Later this morning I will have 1/2 a Luna Bar with coffee (95).  Lunch will be an apple (80), maybe a banana (105), and less than a cup of almond milk (60).  I'll be at work all afternoon and then I'll come home and grab vegetable soup that my mom made last night, which is less than 200 calories.  That puts my total for the day at around 700.

My kids have their first race today.  I really hope they just row their little hearts out and make it to the finish line :)

Maybe I'll post some thinspo tonight.  I need some inspiration, you know?

Have a great Saturday everyone...

P.S. Sorry I haven't gotten back to everyone who has been commenting.  Dani at Bones are Pure, I know you're handling a lot right now and I sometimes don't know what to say.  Just know that I am listening and will help however I can.

Glad to be back

Hello my little chickadees.  I am finally back and sort of organized from my trip to South Carolina last week.  The week was extremely productive and tiring - a learning experience for both my novice rowers and for me as a coach.  I know the season is going to be a lot of work, but thus far I am sincerely enjoying it and find it quite rewarding.  Even though I did not work out that much, my days were long and active.  I went for several 3-4 mile runs with my boys.  The food was abominable, and luckily I did not come home any heavier after sustaining myself on Clif Bars, nuts, rice and salad all week.

I took back-to-back classes yesterday morning and did some maintenance on the boats (which is decent physical work) and only ran 3.2 miles today.  My weight after my run is 132.8, so tomorrow my goal is to be under 132 after going to the gym in the morning.  I just had one third of a cup oatmeal with some peach slices, two tablespoons of cashew pieces, a teaspoon of Earth Balance and honey.  For lunch, before I go to work, I'll have a salad with roasted peppers, greens, cabbage, and maybe a few kalamata olives.  Popcorn and an apple for dinner sounds like a good plan to be lighter in the morning.

Juan is coming in one month.  My absolute goal is 125 by the day he arrives, which is the 29th of April.  That means 7+ pounds in four weeks.  I can do this.  I need to up my mileage on my running days and work extra hard at the gym.  I need to dial back my consumption of fats (mainly from nuts) and carbs and start eating more veggies and fruit, which is easy now that Spring is here.

I am so pleased that you all liked my vlog :)  I'll think of something else to do and post another one soon.  Additionally, I think Dani nominated me for the Versatile Blogger award, so I'll get to that this week too.

Have a great day ladies... stick to fruits and veggies and water - your body will thank you...

100th post... no celebrating allowed

I have to fast today.

Because I am still too far away from 129, I feel like I shouldn't be celebrating my 100th post.  Thank you to my new followers who have joined... I appreciate that you take the time to read my ramblings.

Yesterday, I was 131.8 after the gym - after a 5k and then one bursting class (I was too tired for the second class and I had already burned more than 800 calories).  Today, I was 132.8 after a 4.84 mile run (in 43 minutes).  Here is my route - it is particularly hilly, I promise...

Anyway, I'm not in the mood for much writing, so I am just going to leave you all with thinspo... I am dying to have cut abs this summer.  I have been working really hard in my classes and I'm putting on muscle but not losing weight.  I need to get rid of this pesky fat, get under 120, and then I will be gorgeous...

Monday

132.2 this morning after running 4.5 miles at the gym.

My strategy this week is to eat a substantial breakfast (like the oatmeal with peaches and soymilk I am eating now) and only fruit or vegetables (which includes soy but I need to get off grains and nuts) if I need anything the rest of the day and to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.  The oatmeal will give me energy to last almost the entire day and it is immensely filling.

I am going to bring cabbage slaw with a bit of tempeh for lunch and a grapefruit for a snack.  I am not sure if I will eat when I come home.  Tomorrow, I'll do a double session at the gym (run 1-2 miles and back-to-back classes).  My goals for this week are to get off sweets completely - I did a great job breaking my chocolate habit last week - and going gluten/wheat free.  I do not think I have Celiac or anything like that, because I don't get violently ill, I do, however, feel yucky and retain water AND get a stomach ache if I eat a lot of wheat, like a bowl of pasta.  I really haven't been eating too much, but I want to cut it out altogether before I leave for this trip.

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  I know some of you are frustrated, like I am, with the numbers that show on the scale every morning.  We can fix it and make it better together. Work extra hard this week.

Under the weather

It's that time of month, the time that causes me to gain extra weight and generally make me pretty pitiful. I feel so yucky and I completely want to stay in bed and not go to work. It's only temporary though, I'll feel better in a few days.

132.4 this morning without going to the bathroom properly. If I am good today, I'll be down under 132 tomorrow.

Mmmmm I love this chai! A splash of soymilk and a touch of honey and I am set with a low calorie treat that feels so rich. I have one large piece of homemade toast, with a smidge of Smart Balance Light and jam. I might bring vegetable soup to work, but then again, maybe just water and tea.

It was quite cold this morning, and on account of not feeling well, I decided to just walk my dogs a little over two miles instead of run. At least it's something, right?

I measured myself this morning, keep in mind I am a bit over 5'7"

• Bust: 33"
• Waist: 25.75"
• Hips: 36.5"

I would love my waist to be down to 24 or less and my hips 35 or less. I can keep working. If I weighed under 125 pounds, I am sure I would lose a few more inches. How low do I have to go?

I ordered this from Anthropologie yesterday...

There was only size XS left, but the reviews said it ran a little big. What do you think? Cute or not? I really hope I am not too fat to fit in it...

In the words of Adeline,

Grumbly tummies...

Still a bit blah

132.8 this morning. Thankfully, my weight went down a bit. Yesterday was just not a good day, overall.

Today, I skipped running and I am going to try and drink tea all day. I had one piece of homemade bread (not sure of how many calories - probably 150) with a tiny bit of Smart Balance Light. I know I am having pumpkin soup for lunch (also homemade) but I will skip the bread during lunch.

As always, my goal is to be less tomorrow than I was today. I need to just do it.

Sorry I do not have something more profound to write today. I just felt kind of under the weather all day yesterday and feel about the same today. Maybe after I Skype with Juan I will pep up a bit.

P.S. I love chai. Right now I am sipping Twining's Super Spice Chai with a splash of soymilk. It is the only tea I really like sweetened, so a small spoonful of honey would make it perfect, but I must shun those extra calories.

Crunch time

As I explained in my last post, I am beginning a mii-challenge for myself. There is quite a bit I want to accomplish in the next few weeks, both concerning my life in general, and my weight.

Accomplishments so far:

• I ran Friday/Saturday/Today, with hills on each day. I have not been running very fast or far lately, but I'm working back into it. Tomorrow morning, I plan to do three miles.
• I am narrowing my school search.

Negatives:

• I have not worked on my budget yet, and my bank account is proof.
• I was 133.4 this morning - YUCK. Hopefully, since I ate light today and ran, I will be 132ish tomorrow.

Neutral:

• My fast went... ok... I drank lots of liquids yesterday and did not touch food until around 8pm. I had soup and bread (both homemade and not full of nasty un-pronounceable ingredients) and somehow still managed to gain overnight.

So tomorrow needs to be a better day. A smaller number on the scale and a bigger smile.

Challenging myself

I failed miserably on my third fast today. I am going to begin tomorrow morning instead and stay focused on my peaceful protest to the injustices of the world.

I need to challenge myself. Fasting. Finding a school. Losing another 10. Working hard. Running. Budgeting.

I need to set some short term goals for the next month. Breaking life into smaller portions makes challenges seem much more feasible.

Goal #1: See a consistent 128 or lower on the scale. Right now I am typically 131.8-132.8 when I wake up. By restricting and incorporating my next two goals, I can get there.

Goal #2: Fast two more weekends in October and possibly continue into November. I was successful the first weekend, and did ok last weekend. Tomorrow, I am restarting to redeem myself, and hopefully I can rediscover my self control.

Goal #3: Run 3+ miles 4-5 days per week. It is a complete shame how my running regimen has fallen to pieces since I moves back from San Diego. I was typically running 4-5 miles 5-6 days a week. The weather there is always perfect for running, and the hot humid summer, in addition to my lame work schedule hasn't been helping the situation. Now that it is cold, I have to stay internally motivated and convince myself that even a short run is worth it.

Goal #4: Choose which schools I want to apply to for my MPH, clean up my resume, request letters of recommendation, and begin essays. Again the with organization and motivation - I have to set up a system and work a little bit each day. It is sort of silly that I have been procrastinating this.

Goal #5: Budget. I do not have a great paying job, but I work nearly full time and occasionally even make some overtime hours (on a good week). I need to plan out a spreadsheet to manage my monthly expenses - cell phone, car insurance, savings, school loans, etc.

Writing all of that made me feel so much better. I have always been a to-do list kind of girl. The most immediate tasks at hand are completely a successful 48 hour fast, as part of the Hungry for Change challenge. I plan to bring my running clothes and shoes to work so I can go on a trail run directly from the office. This way, I have no excuse.

P.S. I took that photo in the Loire Valley - one of the best photos I have ever taken!

Fast #1, success

I survived 48 hours. For some reason, this morning my weight was back up to 132.2 after having been to 131.4 yesterday. Completely obnoxious.

Juan arrived in Philly today. While my goal was to be 130 by the time I saw him, I am at least 10 lbs less than the last time he saw me, so that is a plus. I need to just keep working hard. 125 would be so much nicer.

I hope everyone has a lovely day...

Fasting begins in 90 minutes

I will begin my first 48 hour fast in less than 90 minutes. I wish I was a bit more mentally prepared, but I still think I can do this.

I ate fruits, veggies, and hydrated well today. This should serve me for the next two days.

Even if it's raining tomorrow, I might just have to go running. I have only gone for three or four runs in the past 30 days, which is absolutely pathetic. It will make me feel more energized and ready for my day.

Fasting in October

132.0 this morning.

Tomorrow is October 1st and I will begin the first of four 48 hour fasts during the month of October thanks to Hungry for Change

Beginning weight: 132 lbs/59.9 kg

BMI: 20.4

Reason: I want to use this time to do some serious reflection about the future of my studies and eventual career. Inevitably this means I will be fasting for poverty, hunger, and health care in developing nations.

Length: 48 hours per week

I have been so wrapped up in all of this stuff concerning Juan that I think I need to meditate a bit. The countdown begins tonight at midnight.

Photographs

From these photos, it's obvious why I am so desperate to shed a significant amount of excess poundage. My friend Pauline is only about an inch shorter than me, but at her heaviest she weight 119-120. I am 132. FML. Originally my goal was 125. Scratch that. <120.

Je suis rentrée encore!

I apologize for the extended absence. My friend from France has been here for the past month and we were busy adventuring all over the place and because we shared my room while she was here blogging about my weight woes was not really an option.

We had a fabulous time (see the photos I will post later today) and she inspired me to keep my eating controlled, even when we were eating out. My friend Pauline is impossibly thin, and unfortunately, she makes me look ridiculously large in photos next to her.

Where am I now? Well, my weight was 132.2 this morning - respectable, only a slight gain over the three weeks, which is shocking, considering how often we ate out, had dinner parties (for my birthday!!!) and drank good wine. My goal this week is to get down to 130 or less, because Juan is arriving on Monday??? I can hardly believe it myself, but he has to come to Philadelphia for business and extended his trip a few days to be able to see me and meet my family. I am insanely nervous and excited at the same time - hopefully this will allow me to barely eat for the next week and lose these pesky pounds.

I hope everyone (anyone?) who reads this has been having a lovely September - back to school for some, or in my case the first time not going to school since I was 4.

I really want to catch up on everyone's blogs and get back to motivating each other...

Push

I really need to go running today. I feel like my bum is getting saggy since I'm not running - all the hills around here always keep it in great shape. Honestly, there are four things (and ONLY four) I like about my body: my bum, my hair, my eyes, and my lips. Everything else I would quickly swap for someone else's. It is raining, but I still think I want to go when I get back from the DMV.I am finally switching back my California license/plates/registration to NJ today. I also have to go to the bank, and both are in a town with a Dunkin' Donuts, which means iced coffee (black please!) for lunch... yummmm!!!

Juan is actually talking about coming to visit... I'll believe that when he buys a plane ticket.

Thank you for all of the positive comments about my little Louisette! She is so cute and she is fitting in extremely well around here. She is so comforting and snuggly :)

Yesterday, I managed to wear my size 27 (4) Lucky Brand jeans and they were actually loose! I haven't worn those very many times since I bought them because they were always really tight. For once, I think I looked pretty good. Today, I was 132.8... I need to break 130! So for now, I need some serious thinspo...

Still losing

I was 132.2 when I woke up and 131.6 after my run this morning. It's just so exciting to see my hard work paying off. Being hungry all the time is SO worth it.

Today, I am trying to eat as little as possible. For breakfast I had a homemade popsicle (banana, blueberries, soymilk, and soy yogurt blended together - no added sugar, but not sure of the calories) and 50 calories worth of Better'n Peanut Butter (my favorite!). Tonight, we're having a special family dinner, so I am going to just drink water, coffee, and maybe a diet soda during the day. I know that we are having some kind of veggie pasta with side salads. If I'm good today, I can handle that. Big salad, barely any pasta (I'll ask for my special gluten-free kind, it's healthier)

Soon I'll be seeing 120's on the scale - I haven't seen a number that low in four years...

I have to bake lots of cupcakes for a party tomorrow, but I am going to be disciplined and NOT EAT THEM! The only problem is that I don't follow recipes super closely, so I end up needed to taste-test things, particularly frosting. I will be good today.

Edit: I was just thinking, I really do not feel or think I look any thinner. I have lost 10 pounds in the past 3 weeks and yet I don't think I look any different... I have an excellent digital Tanita scale - it couldn't be lying to me, could it?

Edit #2: I just finished dinner with my family... 134.4 now. I took some of my herbal supplements to help get everything through my system faster. Ugh, I wish I hadn't eaten anything! No food tomorrow until the party - maybe not even then. Hopefully I can get in a decent run in the early morning when it's not 90% humidity. So bummed :(

P.S. I'm not sure if this photo is Katherine McPhee or not, but whoever this lovely blonde is, she look awesome!