Another year has gone by

Happy new year!

I have a bit of news to share...

So there's that.  Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration.  My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us).  It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.

But where am I now?  Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast.  I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body.  I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable.  I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat.  I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body.  I must be thinner.  I just must be thinner.

I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become.  Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought.  Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws...  Maybe that will never be me.  Does anyone else ever feel this way? 

Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning.  It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity.  Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.

All of this makes me stressed.  Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card!  Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed.  I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this.  

I don't know.  I just don't know.  On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure.  On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.

I take it back

I want to take back everything I said in my last post.

I am so fat and my clothes don't fit

Enough is enough.  Restricting feels like my only solution.

Another month has passed

So I have had two meetings with my nutritionist. I am not absolutely positive that seeing her is worth all of the money I am paying out of pocket, but she is helping me find coping strategies and approach weight loss in a healthy way.  When I talk to her it is like therapy, so perhaps it is worth it after all.

In the first two weeks after my initial appointment, things were going really well.  I have been eating a huge breakfast, which is a first for me.  I take a big scoop of oatmeal and cook it with water, add fruit and hemp seeds, or nuts.  I actually struggle to finish the bowl, but my nutritionist said I am not getting enough protein or fat in the morning, which is leaving me unbalanced and too hungry later.  So far, so good - it has prevented my midday snacking and I have lost a few pounds (though that has stagnated, so we'll talk about that in a bit)... Additionally, she told me I need to just eat bigger meals in general.  When she looked at my intake form, she said I was not eating enough, and that I should adjust to eat a bit more protein.  She said I'm not protein deficient, but that I will be more satisfied if I eat more.  I have been making an effort on this one, but I still have two big struggles - work lunches with colleagues and not planning ahead.

I saw her for another follow up appointment on Saturday and she suggested a few things.  She gave me a long list of good products to keep on hand in the event that I need to throw together a quick meal if I didn't plan ahead well.  She also thinks I should buy a rice cooker.  The theory here is that I can cook a bowl of grains, like brown rice, quinoa, or a variety of others, and have it to base meals around for most of the week.  Most of the advice she has given me so far is truly common sense, but for some reason I needed her to tell me.  I know that when I try to lose weight, I go kind of insane.  Additionally, seeing her has led me to open up a little bit about my weird eating patterns and stress to a couple of friends.  Benjamin is already privy to much of that information, but it is good to have other people understand as well.

This week, I am also trying to find my running groove.  After essentially two months of running infrequently and sporadically, I want to stay motivated through the winter and fall back in love with running.  I had a good run on Sunday, and I plan to go in a little while to run on my favorite trail.

As for the rest of my life... well, Benjamin is arrive on the 21st, which is wonderful.  My parents moved to the West coast, so it is a bit odd to be left behind.  I have been incredibly busy at work (Ebola has derailed everything!) and am trying to make sure I have down time and enough hours to a lot to knitting.  I am in total elf mode, preparing for the upcoming holidays.

That is the long and short of it.  My life is pretty stable, for the most part, since I have my little house and job and weekly activities.  I just need to put some attention into being kind to myself and taking care of my body.  Seems simple, right?








Oh, and I am not pregnant.

So much for that

So Avy was kind enough to remind me that I have been quite absent around here as of late.

Well, it started off great after my last post.  I was in this good, strong, determined mindset.  Really, I was feeling confident and pretty carefree.  And then…

I guess that feeling lasted a little while, but the past week has been incredibly stressful at work and I know I have gained.  Add to that some triggering comments and realizations from a friend and my short-lived confidence is waning fast.

All of the tiny moments where I look in the mirror or feel the extra flesh on my side.  I just cannot take it anymore.  I want to be thin again.  I know realistically, statistically, clinically, I am fine.  I am normal.  I am "healthy."  But each time I see a photograph of myself or catch a glimpse in the mirror, those sublet, sneaky feelings of ugliness and fatness (which given my feminism should not be equated in my mind, since being fat is not ugly and does not determine one's worth) have returned.  Maybe there really is no escaping them after all?

So what am I to do?

For the moment I am trying to focus on the bare minimum.  Work, which has been insane the past week and will not let up until next weekend.  Benjamin, because he is the purest, most shining light in my life.  And finally, controlling this ridiculous appetite I seemed to have re-acquired.  I am no debutante here, I know how my body needs to be retrained to work on less and finally see the scale ticking downward.  While the results will not fix all of my problems, I know they will quiet those loud thoughts of self-doubt that have crept in.  Even though it is a vicious cycle, for now I can handle it.  I deserve to be a look at feel better.  And at this size, I never will.

My first goal is a deliciously gorgeous silk dress that I would like to wear for Easter.  Besides the fact that my arms are massive and lack any definition (an issue all in itself), the dress is simply too tight across the hips to be worn in public.  By the end of April, it will fit comfortably.

Mark my words.

New year. New me?

A new year. A time to start over and make changes.

We do it every year, don't we? We decide to eat this, not eat that, adopt this new exercise regime, fit into these clothes, practice yoga, relax, save money...

I cannot say that I am immune. I made a list of resolutions with the usual suspects making the rounds. I think I am finally in a good, stable place in my young adult life that I can dedicate the time and energy it takes to losing the weight I want for good. I re-started Insanity, and my goal is to make it through to the end (I stopped just a bit short last summer). I am signing up for a marathon in May, so I will start training for that in February. Additionally, I have made a ton of travel plans, including another trip to France in February. Things with Benjamin as just so. damn good. He and his family allowed me to have an amazing holiday and I am constantly surprised by how smoothly this all operates. (And as a side note, I was able to see Pauline's grandmother and get everyone their presents after all. It was clearly painful for her but it was so good to see her.) He is not afraid of the future at all, he just makes plans. He already bought his plane ticket and took his vacation for May. We planned out our entire year of travel (you can all remember how it was like pulling teeth with Juan, and he could never commit to anything and barely wanted to communicate with me at all). I just cannot wait until May to see Benjamin. Four months is too long, and since I can barely afford the ticket, I feel like it is money well spent. I made a budget for the year so I can really make a good dent in my student loans. In fact, considering it is just the beginning of January, I feel like I am off to a great start and have plenty of momentum to carry me through.

But then, again, I am still dissatisfied with the same old, same old.

I came home from France about one pound higher than when I left.

Unfortunately, that one pound is at the utmost highest limit of my weight range. I literally want to crawl out of my skin and take on another body. Perhaps this constant discomfort will finally, finally lead me to reach my goal...

I found a food/weight diary from around the time when Juan broke up with me, January 2012, and I was so disciplined. I was comfortably under 130 pounds and eating in an extremely controlled manner. I have started my food diary again, but I know I am still eating too much to lose weight quickly. Reading my intake at the end of the day, however, is a wake up call... as is having to get on the scale and write that number down in black-and-white. I have to make a change. I am tired of being so unhappy and uncomfortable with this aspect of my life. Enough is enough.

Maybe I need to start recording it here too? I know that recording intakes/weights can be very triggering for some people, and that isn't my goal. Perhaps my little notebook is enough of a conscience for now. I do not want my blog or actions to impact anyone else.

This post is becoming such a rambling mess.

I promise that for the most part, I am feeling good. I am happy. I am settling in well with my job and things are amazing with Benjamin. I wish I had more social opportunities, since I live in a really rural area and only have a few friends here, but I can handle it. I am excited about Insanity and training for another marathon. I ran a 10k in France that went extremely well considering I had barely been running, so I'm excited to see how I can improve my marathon time with some dedicated effort.  My travel plans are coming together - France in February/July/Christmas, and Benjamin is coming in May (we are going out to northern California and up to visit my brother in Seattle), August/September and November. It's just this one, final thing that is always nagging.

Why can't I just have the genetics/discipline/good fortune to not be fat?

Merry Christmas?

So just when I thought I was feeling sort of ok-ish?

I received an email from Pauline's grandmother yesterday morning telling me that she thinks seeing me this Christmas will be too painful for her, now that I am dating Benjamin. (For anyone who is not following along, Benjamin was my dear friend Pauline's boyfriend for a long time. They intended to be married sometime in the next few years and were living together when she went missing. Also, I spent the majority of my summer with Pauline's grandmother, who I call Mamie, and I think we did a lot of healing together.) I obviously understand that this is a difficult time of year -for me too, I especially miss Pauline now that a year has passed since we buried her and Christmas is coming. I also understand as she wrote to me in this email, that is is shocking for people to see us together. She also indicated that she feels like she is betraying Pauline in some way.

As you might imagine, while I understand how she feels, I am so so so sad. I love this family as my own. Frankly, I was closer with Pauline than my own older brother. Benjamin and I both love Pauline and that will never stop. I know I don't have to repeat this all here, but I think its probably not an appropriate thing to say to her or try to explain? I am trying to decide what to say and I need to reply soon. I carefully chose Christmas gifts for Mamie, Pauline's parents, her sister (who is quite upset with me after the summer), and her younger brother, and given the circumstances I guess I will just need to deliver them and dash off. Even if they do not want to see me, I do want to offer them the gifts I chose - giving gifts is an important gesture for me. Pauline and I always sent each other wonderful Christmas boxes with gifts for each other and our families. I want to hold on to that. In addition, I love giving gifts to my family and closest friends, its a tangible expression of love. I hope that I am able to deliver them and still respect their wishes in the process. I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

And to make matters worse...

I went for my employment physical yesterday.

I have eaten very well over the past 10 days since Benjamin returned to France. I had a banana and coffee for breakfast yesterday, soup and an apple for lunch. I arrived at the doctor and of course he wanted to measure and weigh me. He asked, "You you know how tall you are and what you weigh?" I replied that I was a bit over 5'7" and probably weighed more with my winter clothes and boots than I do at home, and I asked if I should take off my shoes. He told me to leave them on. I hopped on the scale and he said, "You're definitely under 5'7" to which I jestingly argued, "Are you sure that's accurate, I've been measure enough times before to know I'm a little taller than that." Then I looked at the number on the scale. I could have broken down in tears. He asked, "Is that good or bad?" I said, "Eh, its ok, it should be a little less," and we moved on.

I can't write the number I saw, but it is indelibly recorded in my brain. I was devastated. Obviously, given the circumstances, I knew it would be high. I knew it. But that high? I just can't. Especially going into this season of excess. I just can't. It's giving me anxiety about my trip.

Thank goodness I can easily avoid unnecessary eating at work. I have to get this under control. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Excited?

Even though I should be filled with excitement and warm and fuzzy feelings, for the past few days, I have not felt anything like that.  Benjamin is arriving in nine days and all I can think about is how massive I look and feel.

So much for being in a good headspace.

At least I have nine days to sort this out and maybe lose a bit.

It's been a while

I know, I know, it has been a while...

Now I finally have time for some regular updates AND if the past is any indication for my future, writing on here has always helped me lose weight, and right now that is a major goal.  But we will get to that in a minute.

So lately... things with my boyfriend are going smashingly.  We Skype a lot and have exchanged a bit of mail.  We managed to talk about some tough things, especially concerning Pauline, and are just really solid (which is incredible, considering the distance).  Unlike with Juan, who I was constantly afraid would lose interest, Benjamin has already made travel arrangements to spend almost three weeks here with me in November, and invited me for Christmas.  He is constantly making me feel appreciated and it is obvious that he truly cares about me.  I am in a very good, safe, comforted place with this.

In other news, I restarted Insanity, so I begin week two tomorrow.  I will also be taking yoga classes at least once a week with a friend who is going through teacher training.  She is awesome and needs to practice being a yoga teacher, and I am an eager poor student, so we are a great match.  And if that was not challenging enough, I have been trying to keep some regular running dates (8 miles tomorrow after Insanity!!) and am organizing a 5k for Thanksgiving.

The biggest news of late, which is legitimately huge, is that I received a job offer today!  I have been hunting since May, and had a bunch of phone interviews, but this was my first offer.  I am definitely going to take it, as the job is interesting, I am qualified and prepared for it, I can live at home, and the salary is quite good.  I will be able to work on paying off my student loans ASAP and get a new car (mine is about to start having horrible things go wrong with it and will not be worth fixing).  Also, it is much easier to get to France from here than, say, San Francisco or Madagascar (both places I interviewed for).  I feel like it's a bit of a dream to begin my first adult job, after all of these years in school, but I am psyched.

And then, as always, there is my weight.  I came from France at an embarrassingly high weight.  Not that I gained that much (four pounds), but I was too heavy before I left, and have not seen the scale budge since I returned.  Since my boyfriend is arriving in 55 days and I am about to start a new chapter in my life, now is just as good of a time as any to get into gear.  The results from Insanity will be so much better if change my eating and I will fit back into some of the clothes I would like to wear to work.  I am somewhat satisfied with how my body looks, to be honest.  I wish I didn't have such a double chin when I smile and that my thighs/arms/waist were a bit slimmer, but overall I think I have battled a lot of those demons when I was away this summer.  That being said, I know that when I am stressed and busy (which is about to happen), those thoughts creep back and certain behaviors return.  I am trying very hard to be health, but at the same time, I would love to reach my dream of 125 (well, my ultimate dream is 118, but it's impossible and I would probably look ill).  In short, I do not have a very well laid-out plan for my meals yet, but I am going to work on planning the next two weeks tonight and tomorrow and it is obvious that I need to track my calories.  The exercise I am doing is great and healthy.  I just need to keep the other bits healthy too.

How the hell is everyone???  I am up to date (for the most part) on reading, but I feel so disconnected.

Reeling

So a lot has changed and will continue to change in the next two weeks.

I graduated with my masters and moved out of my apartment on Sunday after finishing the Color Run with my friend.  I said tearful goodbyes to my roommates and Allan.  Not exactly sure where we stand, so I am trying to just let it be.

I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday and still feel pretty rough.  I have yet to take a single pain pill, but continuously have ice strapped to my face.

In less than two weeks, I have to organize my apartment's-worth of belongings and pack for the next three months.  Visit and say goodbye to my friends here in my hometown, and finally, escape.

So what, besides my horribly swollen face, is plaguing me?

I am terribly huge.  Honestly.  Truly.  My mother said my face is round.  She told me that I am eating out of boredom.  And to make matters worse, I cannot exercise - in fact, I can hardly move or it induces swelling.  I have to eat something in order to take the antibiotics.

I hope I can finally get all of the stress in my life under control for once.  Allan is wonderful, but I don't know what is going to happen to us, which makes me sad and stressed. He insists I am still hung up on Juan, which stresses me out.  Then, there was just the past several weeks of school.  My teeth.  Moving.  Packing.  Pauline.  I don't know.  The stress is making me heavier, that's for sure.  Once I touch down in France, and am sure I will feel much more at ease, even if I am still emotionally reeling.  Or at least I hope so.

Ok, now I am just rambling on about the same old, same old.

I need to stop eating.  If not altogether, than surely not so much.  I can't take it anymore.  I know it's a horrible attitude.  I know it's not healthy.  And truly most of that is just in my head, not in my actions, so don't be too concerned.

Everything is rushing by

Just a few more days and my masters degree will be complete.

One more exam in the way.

Then a whirlwind of ceremonies, packing, celebrating, and goodbyes.

This time next week I will be fasting in preparation for having my wisdom teeth removed.

And in a bit more than two weeks, I will be on a plane to Paris and off to see my dear sweet family for a few months.

Applying for jobs like it is my job.

Oh, and I finally bit the bullet and purchased Insanity (the brother of P90X), as my best girlfriend just finished and in so fit now.  I need something besides running, I am quite uninspired at the moment.  Allan and I are going to start it in July once I am settled in France.

I will have a lot of down time while I am recovering next week, so I promise to write.

Lots of love.

Exhausted

My head is spinning.

This semester has been so incredibly busy.  Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.

Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font.  Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...).  My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in.  I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal.  Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight.  I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down.  Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate.  While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship.  I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.

As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated.  His life is just so. damn. complicated.  Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens.  Between us, everything is lovely.  He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him.  It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term.  Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August.  Yeah.  With two older kids already.  I know.  I know.  But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind.  Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that.  And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life.  He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him.  Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that.  I will be very sad to leave him when I go away.  It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.

People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer.  The truth is, this too is complicated.  Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun.  It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear.  Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love.  I miss my Popi so so so so much.  I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me.  Having such a close friend die is unimaginable.  The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child.  And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this.  I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here.  I don't know.  Some days I wake up and forget she is dead.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends.  It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.

On the weight front, things are in shambles.  I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must.  I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions.  The result?  I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW.  I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry.  It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices.  He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes.  I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says.  My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs.  This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way.  I am positive that will help me slim down a bit.  The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?

And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week.  I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well.  I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all.  If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem.  In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am.  I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are).  I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences.  I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem?  They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?).  Merci beaucoup.  Grazie mille.  Muchas gracias.

Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house.  Graduation.  Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made.  Packing and moving.  Tearful goodbyes with Allan.  Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move.  Because I didn't have enough to do, right?

A little ramble about dysmorphia

I am at a really heavy weight right now.  Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.

My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape.  Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest.  I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds.  Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes.  I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories.  I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day.  In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite.  Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend.  I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible.  I just need to be strict.

Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life.  I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be!  Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat.  Hooray for plants!

And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend.  The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda.  When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny.  While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it.  Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away.  Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.

I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder.  I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable.  Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...)  Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head.  People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis.  Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average.  I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles.  My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there.  I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault.  What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault.  I think I am just programmed as such.  I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community.  Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality.  Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities.  I wish I had the answers.

I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us.  To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale.  But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away.  If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me?  I don't know.

I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?

That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding.  My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone.  I hope that is true.

In my head?

The past few days have been the first I have had to myself in almost two months.  Not that my life revolves around Allan, but I manage to give him a lot of my free time (which is not much) and have really enjoyed having someone so caring in my life.  He is going to be away for two weeks with his kids, visiting his family.

The most noticeable change since he left?  I feel FAT FAT FAT.  I will begrudgingly admit that I am TEN pounds over my comfortable weight.  Obviously, Allan keeps telling me I look perfect just the way I am.  And I want to believe him.  But then I went shopping yesterday to try on a dress - I still needed a very small size, but everything looked horrific.  My arms, my thighs, I just do not understand. One day I feel fabulous and confident and the next I want to just run a million miles and eat carrots until I am 120 lbs (I am SO far from that number right now it makes me cry).

I just do not understand.  Everyone else says I look normal, healthy, slender, pretty - and yet I just see my ever-growing chipmunk cheeks and disastrously large thighs.

Someday I am going to get out of this mindset, I swear.  I suppose I should consider myself lucky that even though my mind is so warped, I have only gone through brief periods where I truly let it affect how I ate.

I have been reading Thrive and Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier.  He is a vegan ultra-marathoner/iron man triathlete and a total beast.  He writes about how when he was training, even 8 hours a day, for a while he was putting on weight and could not figure out why.  Long story, short, is that he was eating the wrong kinds of foods and putting extra stress on his body (which translates to cortisol, that part is not really rocket science).  When he changed his diet, he had much more energy, could train longer and better, recover better, and stay at the optimal weight/muscle mass.  I have been trying to adopt some of his principles - much of what I eat is already in line with his program.  I think incorporating more raw foods would help though.  I eat mostly cooked foods, but already stay away from wheat and refined grains (generally speaking).  His diet, to me at least, is not really restrictive, but freeing, in the sense that you do not have to feel guilty about eating whatever you are eating on his regimen.

That was a detour.  But a happy detour from bad-body-thoughts-land, right?

Well, I have been down-for-the-count this past week with a cold (have not run since Monday), but I need to get myself up and ready for the day.  I think a quick trip to the grocery store for produce, several hours on campus doing homework, and meeting up with a friend are the little things on the agenda for today.

Sorry to be a bit of a downer.  I hope you are all doing ok.  It has been good to hear from some people who have been absent for a while (StickThin and Zette).  And for those of you who are consistently writing, I am glad to always hear from you too.

Oh, and at least I have been knitting quite a bit!  And receiving awesome packages from NJ, South Africa, Ireland, and beyond - thanks a million to my lovely ladies, you know who you are.

Back in town

In general, I had a really nice time in California visiting my friends.  In all honesty, even though I had such a rough time when I lived there in 2009-2010, I did not want to leave.  I forgot that I truly enjoy the pace of life there.  My friend that was kind enough to host me went through a difficult breakup this fall.  She also invited her friend from college to stay with us who is going through some very heavy personal stuff right now.  Basically, we were a slumber-party-support-group.

The weather was on the chilly side, but so sunny.  I ran every day and enjoyed the change in scenery, hitting up my old running paths and trying to let me soul rest for a bit.

I met up with several of my friends from work and graduate school, which was so great, overall, but also sad in the sense that I ended up talking about Pauline and Juan A LOT.

Ah, and speaking of which, Juan and I were in contact a bit and I was thinking he might drive down to see me.  He told me he really wanted to come but that it was a bad idea.  I know he's right.  It has been more than a year since we really broke up.  I sort of freaked out and cried a lot when I realized he was not going to come - mainly because I am really struggling with the notion of NEVER EVER seeing him again.  And the fact that he either does not really think of it like that, or he does not care/is ok with it.  I don't know.

One of the major highlights of the trip, however, was a great afternoon coffee date with my friend who hosted me, our friend from work, and our lovely Miranda!  I told my friends I was going to meet a girl whose blog I read.  I explained that it was basically like a diary where you get public commentary, but that the entire idea is that no one you know in real life reads it.  They seemed perfectly satisfied with that.  I did not tell them that I have a blog too.  Anyway, Miranda was so, so, so lovely and friendly (and skinny!) and we had a lovely time drinking tea and getting to know one another a bit.  Miss Miranda, I hope you had as good of a time as I did, and its good to know we're both nice, non-pyscho internet people in real life, right?

The only souvenir I brought back from San Diego was a few pounds around my middle.  I did not have access to a scale while I was there, and we ate out for nearly every meal.  I was pretty well behaved, honestly, sticking to salads and light fare, but I think the combination of more sodium than usual and not controlling the calories myself left me in bad shape.  I will not give an exact number, but even after taking a laxative tea last night (traveling and changing time zones and eating wheat all messed with my tummy a bit, so it was for good reason) I was over 140.  I was looking at an old photo of me from the summer of 2010 last night and I know I was about 8 pounds less then, I looked so much better.  I am resolved to do what I have to do to lose weight right now.  I have done it before, I know I can do it now.  Especially since I start school and my internship this week - the stress and busy schedule will leave me not eating much.  My clothes are not fitting right and I cannot take a photograph without feeling disgusting.  Plus, I want to show people my tattoo, but my gross middle is prohibiting me from being more comfortable with that.

Oh, and I am on day 17 of my running streak - it happens to be snowing/raining today, but I am not going to stay in and waste the day.

I know I have been totally out of it as of late, so I have only been reading and not really leaving any comments.  How is everyone doing?

Ruby, I want your address so I can send you a little something...

My final sunset in San Diego

Nouvelle Ans

I am trying to enjoy my last weeks of vacation time before school begins (for the last semester!) but I am still feeling very unsettled.  2013, you must be better than 2012.  Truly, you must.

So what good things have happened so far this year?  Well, my tattoo is basically healed - sorry I still do not have any photographs.  Maybe I can get some while I am away this weekend.  On that note, I am leaving Thursday morning to get a bit of sunshine in San Diego.  I am visiting some of my friends from when I lived there in 2009-2010.  It will be a short trip, but I am looking forward to the laid-back vibe in the city and just enjoying the sun.  (Eek I need to pack!) One of my resolutions this year is to have a 100-day running streak.  I have not run yet today, but today will be day 9.  It is an arbitrary goal, and obviously if I am very sick or injured, it will be over.  I am only running a little every day (some days just 2 miles) but it feels good to work toward a goal.

I have also been busy knitting and trying to get in some reading.  I am nearly finished with a sweater and need to tie up the loose ends of some other projects.  I am in the middle of By the River Piedra I Sat Down & Wept by Paulo Coelho.  After I finish that, I may begin one of his other books, but I also have High Fidelity (Thanks Cinnamon!!), Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, and Infections and Inequalities, in addition to a whole bunch of other books, waiting in the wings.

So the not so good news... the same problems continue to plague me.  I miss Popi, I miss Juan, and I am fat.  I think of Pauline every day, and it has been getting a little easier.  I still have such a difficult time processing the fact that she is no longer here, on this earth, walking around and spreading her joy to others.  As for Juan, he texted me a bit right around Christmas - we were both feeling nostalgic and all - and once on New Year's Eve, but I have not heard a peep since.  I am so hurt by that.  I will never understand how you can cut someone out of your life so easily.  I am not making overtures of any kind, honestly.  I just miss him and want to know how he is.  I still love him very, very much, and I probably will for, well, maybe forever.  It makes me crazy to think that I have no way to get in touch with him.

And then, as always, there is my horrific weight.  This time last year I was hovering around 130 pounds and feeling somewhat ok.  I wanted to lose more, be in the low 120s, high teens, but now I would be so grateful to have that back!  I am hovering between 139-141 every morning.  140, yes you read that right. 140.  Seeing or typing that number four instead of a three makes me a little mental.  Luckily I have been running again and cutting back on portions (I am a vegan and I honestly eat NO junk, how is it that I ever carry extra weight? I don't understand...) When I am visiting my friend, I am sure we will be busy out-and-about, so I anticipate many cups of coffee and tea.  That should help.  I have to get this under control.

How is everyone?  I hope your new year is getting off to a positive start.  For those of you in the southern hemisphere, those of us in the North would love for you to send some sunshine our way.

Oh, and I finally managed to fix the links at the top of my blog, linking to my Pinterest, Tumblr, and Etsy.  I also gave my tumblr a facelift the other day.

I suppose a bit of time has passed since I actually posted something worthwhile and with substance.

Where did I leave off?

Well, in the past two weeks, I had a birthday (goodbye to the first quarter-century of my life), became crazy-busy with worth and school, and continued my training.

My birthday was surprisingly nice, all around.  My friends and I went to dinner at a pizza place that makes gluten-free, vegan pizza, so I indulged in that and a glass of prosecco.  And, in fact, I felt in control, as I had run 12 miles that morning - hard.  I confused my training weeks and jumped the gun, running the 12 miles at my goal pace on the 9th instead of the 16th. Then, a few days later, I did an awesome track workout that left my sore all weekend.  I skipped my long run on the basis of legitimate exhaustion, and only ran 3 miles Monday.  My right achilles and hamstring are feeling funky, so yesterday was another day of rest.  I tried to do my temp run this morning but did about two miles before that awful pain in my hamstring returned - I'm headed to the pool after putting in 6 solid hours of work on campus.  Honestly, I have completed all of the hardest part of my training program, so now I just have to stay healthy until the marathon in 12 days (eek!)

In weight news, it is simply the same old, same old.  I am at my highest "allowable" weight (i.e. the weight that makes me so uncomfortable but it still somehow within my "normal" range) and cannot wait to work as hard as I am at this marathon training to shed at least fifteen pounds.  Even though it is embarrassing to admit and see 140-141 pounds every morning these days, I know when this is over, I can commit to losing.  I have reached my limit.  I have generally kept my promise of eschewing sugar for the month - with a brief slip up of a chocolate bar and, the horror, a donut (I just had an intense craving like none other... it wasn't even a vegan chocolate bar and there is no way in hell that donut was vegan, shame shame shame on me... so not worth it).

I am trying to focus on eating clean leading up to the marathon... I had puffed riced cereal with fruit and unsweetened soy milk for breakfast, a clif-bar and apple are on the lunch schedule, and I may skip dinner if I am not hungry after swimming.  In between I have nuun to rehydrate and maté tea (by the way, I buy the nuun in a pack of 8 on drugstore.com when they offer coupons/free shipping - it equals out to $0.35 a tablet, and I usually make mine with 32oz of water... seems expensive initially, but much cheaper than gatorade, and with no sugar).  I have to do a bunch of schoolwork tonight and try to get to bed at a decent hour, with hopes that I can run in the morning.

This is getting rambly now, but did I mention that Juan and I are "officially" back together - as per his declaration?  I am still being quite cautious, as he did not behave in an exemplary fashion in the first half of the year.  He seems to be sincere though and should be visiting again in the first two weeks of October.  After that, I will consider letting my parents know.

My knitting has taken a backseat to schoolwork now, but I managed to finish a section for a blanket (A co-worker of mine's mother died of cancer last week.  She was only in hospice for about a month and was quite young.  Everyone at the shop where I work knitted a long strip and the strips are being pieced together into a blanket.)  My second sock for my grammie (whose birthday was the 4th, so it is a bit belated) is about two-thirds complete.  Next, I must work on my brother's fiancée's wrap for their wedding on November 10th.  After that, I can spend a little time knitting for me and working on Christmas gifts as the weather gets cold.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far.  Sorry for being a total slacker with commenting.  I've been keeping up on Lulu's work escapades, Ruby's detox, Eloise's preparation for returning to school, Peri's bit of drama, Mich's new kitten, not to mention AnnaMaria, Lottie, Piggy, Belle, S., Avy, A Quiet Battle, and Ophelia... not to mention about a dozen other blogs.  I want to give everyone huge hugs from the bottom of my heart.  You ladies are irreplaceable.

Time to go to school... six hours of data entry and statistics!




125, you seem so far away...

Sugar-free September

This is just a quick post so I can put on the record that I am going sugar-free this month.  I know that sugar is addictive and recently, I have been consuming far too many sugary, processed sweet things.  They are neither good for my body or my brain.

Even though it is already the 5th, I am starting tomorrow morning, first thing.  I already threw away a few things from my pantry that are just too tempting for me to turn down.

With any luck, it will also help me start loosing again - we all know that this marathon training has led me to gain about seven pounds.

I encourage everyone to join me.  Do not waste calories on food void of nutrients.  Fruits, vegetables, grains, and plant-based proteins are the way to go!

Oh, and the second bout of tendonitis has subsided.  I swam two days and finally ran today.  Tomorrow, I think I have a 5-mile tempo run on the calendar.

That is all for tonight.

Sorry to be so negative, but...

I have to vent this somewhere.

I cried after getting off the scale this morning.  I have not weighed so much in several years.  Muscle or no muscle, I cannot handle this at all.

Taking a second rest day in hopes that my leg will feel all better tomorrow and I can run again.

Since I am resting, I want to keep my calories low.  There is no reason to eat so much today.

I am disgusted that I let this happen to myself.  It is MY fault, no one else's.

Thank you all for your kind words... Peri, Eloise, Mich, and Ruby and whoever else I am forgetting off the top of my head.  Thank you.

UGH

Sidelined by a bit of tendonitis AGAIN.

Fatter than ever.

How is training for a marathon NOT an obvious and easy way to lose weight?

Since I am taking a rest day from running, I think I will take a rest day from food too.

Busy and scattered

It's amazing that I gain any followers that this point.  My posting is only about once a week, at best, so I appreciate anyway who is bothering to join in and read.

I wish that as I was gaining followers, I was losing pounds.

Hit a new high today and I am absolutely disgusted/embarrassed.

Luckily, I can survive on two small meals, fruit, and coffee today.

This is a totally scatterbrained post...

I ran 19 miles on Sunday, which went relatively well.  I'm about to get my tush out the door right now for six, tomorrow is nine, and I forget what I have planned for the rest of the week.

Congratulations to Lulu on her new job!

Seriously, I apologize for this random stream of consciousness.

School started yesterday and I am already exhausted.  Today, I work from 9-2, go straight to campus to do more work with my professor all afternoon, and then class from 7:20-10.

Maybe, being so busy and relatively broke, will help me eat significantly less (since that is the only thing that will help me at this point)...

Hope everyone is well (or at least better than I am).