Weight is up

My weight is up (deservedly, from such bad eating) by a few pounds.

It's going to rain today, so I am likely not getting to run (maybe tomorrow??) but aside from the ten almonds I had for breakfast, I am only allowing myself coffee and tea today.  I just need a clean day to put my mind at rest.  Everything feels so out of control, but I think I can handle this.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Not my photo... just search "Paris rain" on Google

Blue

I had a rough day yesterday.

Friday was fine - basically uneventful, it rained in the morning, the sun finally came out, my roommate and I went to Trader Joe's and bonded a bit, she bought me a balloon, I decided to treat myself to veggie sushi for lunch, I baked cupcakes to take to my class and share with my roommates (only one for each roommate and me, and then I left the rest with me class - no leftovers to tempt me), I came home and my roommates surprised me with a bottle of chardonnay and crème de cassis for making kir, we had a few drinks and went out to a bar, I talked with a bunch of my roommate's friends (strangers) and then we came home.

Yesterday morning, I woke around 9:30 and went for a six-mile run.  Then, the loneliness just hit me.  Juan and I Skyped for a while and I tried to do homework in the sunshine that afternoon.  I ate the most random things, feeling disgusting and fat with each bite.  I watched some episodes of Mad Men and debated meeting up with my friends in DC.  I decided I just did not feel well enough for that.  Around 7, I ventured out to browse some shops, just so I was not spending my entire day in silence in my apartment.  I didn't buy anything, came home, and cried a bit more.  I love having the radio on in my apartment, but this week, all I keep hearing about is rain, flooding, earthquakes, power outages, fires, and of course the anniversary of 9.11.01.  Juan texted me to tell me he is excited to see me and kiss me - I respond that I feel fat and ugly and I can't have kisses.  Just not a good day.

I slept in again until 9:30.  I really do not feel like running, so, I will walk a bit today and run tomorrow when I get home from the Paul Farmer talk in DC (Has anyone ever read Mountains Beyond Mountains?  It is my favorite book, and the doctor in it is who I am going to hear speak tomorrow).  I am also going to begin a mini-detox à la Adeline.  I plan to have herbal tea and a small glass of juice for breakfast, green tea for lunch, and fruit and a salad with lemon juice for dinner.  That is the plan for this week (six-and-a-half days).  Juan is coming on Saturday and I made him promise last time that we would eat healthily the next time he visits.  Every time we get together we are eating out so much that I gain weight.

Thank you everyone for the lovely birthday wishes.  I wish I could have celebrated with you in person - I always end up celebrating with strangers, in accordance with out school calendar.  Every year in elementary school you have a new "homeroom," then middle school is a new batch, high school changes, you move to college, then abroad, then graduate school #1, and now #2.  Last year was the first in forever that I was able to celebrate my birthday with my truly good friends.  On Wednesday I am going to do a bit of birthday shopping, and I may try and find a pair of shoes today.  I have coupons for Anthropologie, Sur La Table, and DSW.  Obviously, on my graduate student budget, I have to be frugal, but at Anthro I want this lovely candle so much.  I was given a candle like this last August, it took me a year to burn it, and last September I bought a replacement with my discount.  I just started burning that one, but I want this bigger version in the pretty jar.

Sur La Table has wonderful kitchen things, so I may buy a new dish towel.  At DSW I will only buy something deeply discounted if I love it.  I was there last night, but I forgot my coupon.

Anyway, I am rambling.  My weight was up to 138 this morning, the highest I have recorded on this blog.  Last year, this time, I was 130-132.  I know I gained the weight by eating like a pig, but it still shocks me and makes me feel so unworthy of anything.  I am going to try and just get dressed and get my day started, take a walk, have some tea, and feel better.  We'll see how that goes.

Hopefully I can lose two or three pounds detoxing this week.  I would feel much better that way.  When Juan arrives, I need to stick to the plan I outlined in my last post and then I might finally be able to get under 130.

I'll get around to some commenting today.  I have been a bit better about it, but I still need to reply to a bunch of your lovely posts.

Please think about where you were ten years ago, today.  I do not personally know anyone who died as a result of the attacks, but I do know someone who escaped the towers and my father's crew went to man a firehouse in Manhattan.  Just the thought of it gives me chills, and I sincerely hope that these innocent and brave people did not die in vain.  While I believe in justice, I also believe in love.  More love and less hate is what this world truly needs.

Fasting forward

Yesterday went fabulously until I realized it was one of the other coach's birthdays - in the morning, I ran for an hour, had a low-calorie breakfast and homemade vegetable soup for lunch.  Then, disaster struck.  I decided it was a great idea to bake cupcakes in her honor, so I made them in the bakery-size (i.e. jumbo) muffin pan - chocolate with cherry jam inside, ganache and amaretto soaked dried cherries on top.  I figured that we would eat in the dining hall and I could either say I was running home and sit in my car or just eat a little salad.  The girls, however, decided they wanted to go out for dinner.  The restaurant they chose is a pizza place without even a decent salad on their menu.  So, I ordered a personal pizza, thin crust, veggies, no cheese.  It was delicious, but as I was eating it, I could feel my stomach getting cranky from the gluten.  I finished 2/3, which was entirely too much and guzzled down two glasses of water.  We then went back to the birthday girl's apartment for cupcakes, where, of course, I ate an entire cupcake, even knowing that I was full.  Afterward, we went to a bar and I had a glass of wine.

I came home and got on the scale last night and started to cry.  I know it was all of the food and drink, but honestly I felt completely worthless.  Especially since I went over my goals of not breaking 1000, had chocolate, and didn't know how to record my abhorrent intake,  and now there is no way I will be 130 by Sunday morning.

So, I am going to fast today - liquids only (tea, coffee, almond milk, maybe a little juice, and of course, water) - and maybe into tomorrow if I can keep it up.  I am going to the gym soon and will run before my class.  Hopefully for 45 minutes before my 45 minute class, but the tendons/muscles in my right ankle are swollen and have been hurting since my 6-miler yesterday morning.  Yet again, I am too ashamed to post my weight, but it's too far away from my goal, let's just settle with that.  My mini-goal for the day is to weigh less tonight than I did this morning.  Reasonable?  I think so.  Additionally, I am going to follow the rules of the challenge that Isobel posted.  So today's fast will leave me under 500 calories (20 pts), exercise between 10-20 pts, I can easily drink 2L of water (20), and I already had eight hours of sleep (20).  If I do that every day for ten days, I'll be much closer to my goal weight.

Thank you all for reading that rambling post, I hope you have a lovely skinny day.  I will be catching up and commenting to do my duty as a friend to all of you and to distract me from eating and thus piling more fat onto my body.

Thank you for inspiring and supporting me.  I am ever grateful.

Edit:  Coffee, soy milk, Emergen-C and water as my intake so far.  If I am feeling faint (as I am starting to feel sluggish now) I will have 1/2 a Clif Bar to get me through the rest of the day/night.  When I come home, I'll have miso soup for dinner.  At the gym, I burned 820 calories between my class and a 35 minute run.  I have already had three glasses of water, just five more and I've reached my 20 points.  I can do this today.  One last thing, I want legs just like this...

100th post... no celebrating allowed

I have to fast today.

Because I am still too far away from 129, I feel like I shouldn't be celebrating my 100th post.  Thank you to my new followers who have joined... I appreciate that you take the time to read my ramblings.

Yesterday, I was 131.8 after the gym - after a 5k and then one bursting class (I was too tired for the second class and I had already burned more than 800 calories).  Today, I was 132.8 after a 4.84 mile run (in 43 minutes).  Here is my route - it is particularly hilly, I promise...

Anyway, I'm not in the mood for much writing, so I am just going to leave you all with thinspo... I am dying to have cut abs this summer.  I have been working really hard in my classes and I'm putting on muscle but not losing weight.  I need to get rid of this pesky fat, get under 120, and then I will be gorgeous...

Fasting for myself

So I was doing really well yesterday - barely ate all day, honestly, and then I got home and my mother had baked cookies.  What do you know, I wake up this morning thinking that I could not have eaten enough to negatively impact my weight, I was so well behaved all day... WRONG.

I won't weight myself and post that weight until after I have gone to the gym, but my first morning weight was absolutely abominable and disgusting.  Today, I am legitimately fasting.  No juice or spoonfuls of peanut butter if I feel faint.  Water and tea for a little energy boost.  I can do it today - I feel determined.

My body is certainly building muscle with my new workout regimen, but is failing to shed the excess fat that could so easily drip off of my thighs, back, arms and stomach.  I want to be lithe and strong, not bulky and gross like I am now.  I want to easily slip into a pair of size 0 jeans, not question whether my thighs might fit into a 4 or 6 (though with all of the vanity sizing companies do now, I do own some 2s that fit just fine).  I want my waist to be teeny and defined and under 24 inches.  I want to be able to run a 5k in under 24 minutes.

You ladies are all so incredible.  It saddens me when I see your teeny tiny selves depressed about not being under 100 pounds or whatever makes you unhappy.  You are beautiful, I promise.

Thank you to everyone who was so encouraging about my acceptance into graduate school!

______________

I wrote the first bit of that before going to the gym this morning - I am feeling much better now.  I ran a 5k in 23.55 :)  My fastest ever, and then I worked really hard in my class.  More than 850 calories GONE.  I refuse to eat today.  I feel empowered to fast.  It's not punishment, it is to prove that I can do it and that my body needs to listen to me and stop holding on to weight it doesn't need.  I weighed 131 after the gym, which is ridiculous.  I am hoping that today's fast will really help me lose some water weight and fat.

Time to go Skype with Juan :)

Oh, and please check out Tai's vlog!  She made such a sweet Valentine's Day post!

Fasting until Saturday?

There is no way I am going to be 3-4 pounds lighter tomorrow.  I definitely have to fast today and tomorrow, but seriously, I am sabotaging myself.  I was supposed to be 125 by the time I cut my hair, then I compromised with 129, well, there's no way.  Fasting is definitely in order.

For those of you who asked about my new hairstyle...

I am pretty nervous, I have hair down to the middle of my back now.  I would post a picture, but honestly, I am too embarrassed with the way I look right now.  I know I am doing a good thing by donating it, but it is still scary at the moment.  I know once it is all off I will feel fine and completely motivated to stop putting food in my gluttonous mouth.

I really hope there is some sort of miracle today and between the gym, hydrating, and staying away from food, that I can be more comfortable.  How did I let myself gain again?  I vowed never to be over 130.

I think I am going to go to the gym early for an hour of cardio (on the elliptical, since I still cannot run on account of my foot), my class, and an extra set or two of the weight circuit.  I know I have been lifting weights quite often now, so some of my gain might be on account of that, but honestly, my body is looking fatter, not leaner, so I know it's not a good enough excuse.

Update... I did half an hour on the elliptical before class, then the 45 minute bursting class, which totally kicked my ass this morning.  My arms and legs felt like jelly afterward, so I did not return to the elliptical or lift at all.  I wish I wasn't so weak and could pump out two hours at the gym.  Anyway, I have been drinking lots - water, tea, almond milk - and had homemade carrot/sweet potato soup for lunch.  I know that it is low in calories and filling, so I think it is a good choice for fasting.  I am going to make it through tonight on more soup (lentil maybe?) and tea.  I can totally handle this.

Feeling good

So yesterday was entirely boring and I was completely out of sorts.  I never went for my run and spent the entirety of the day moping around.  My eating was horrific, as a snacked on sweet popcorn and other unnecessary nonsense throughout the day.  I'm not sure what got into me, but I woke up feeling fresh and ready even with the grey skies outside.

I woke early to catch up on some blog reading (now I really need to get back to commenting) and went to church.  Since rain was in the forecast, I packed my gym bag in the car and went straight to the wellness center to pound out a few miles on the treadmill before running some errands for my mom.  I know I always run faster on the treadmill because of the aided momentum, but I still felt totally kick-ass when I finished 7 miles in a little less than an hour!  I've been eating healthy, low calorie food today as well - a Larabar for breakfast (200) and a big salad for lunch with my homemade light vinaigrette, a spoonful of hummus and lots of raw veggies (mushrooms, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes) with a serving of rice crackers on the side (120).  Even though my weight was embarrassingly high this morning, I know I worked hard at the gym and will keep my appetite under control today.  Tomorrow, I will weigh less.  I have to.

On Thursday, I forgot to mention, I met a friend for lunch and went to the optometrist (hooray, I have contacts which allow me to see now!!) at the mall.  I bummed around for a bit trying to be judicious with my money but track down a few things I have been seeking out for a while.  I managed to find a great black turtleneck at Express (size XS!) for only $15.00... excellent, considering I usually wear my black turtlenecks until they are faded to grey and have holes in them.  Additionally, I picked up the perfect black blazer at Ann Taylor (size 0! but only good with light layers underneath), something I have been searching for nearly a year to find.  J Crew, of course, tempted me with its sales and I found a snuggly army green mohair pullover (XS) and two tortoiseshell barrettes.  Finally, I bought myself Rouge Coco lipstick in Mademoiselle.  Completely extravagant, but my father asked me what I wanted for Christmas a while back, and that is what I asked for.  Apparently, he went to four different malls trying to track it down and was unable.  Instead, he agreed to pay for one of my front tires that needed replacing (still a proper Christmas gift!) and I came out of Christmas Chanel lipstick-less.  I have been dying for this lipstick for more than six months, so I treated myself.  I hope you all don't think I am terribly spoiled and materialistic.  I honestly don't shop in stores that often - I buy most of my clothes second-hand on ebay.  Now with my real adult financial responsibilities (car insurance, gym membership, student loans, cell phone, etc.) and a low paying job, I have to use and save my money wisely.

I think I am going to start knitting a baby sweater and bake bread and perhaps something to send to Juan.  I am feeling crafty and domestic today.  I love making things for people, honestly.  I love feeding people (ironic isn't it?) and it is a pure expression of my love.  Off I go to the kitchen.  I hope everyone has enjoyed their weekend.  Start 2011 off with love and cheer, please do not be so hard on yourselves my darlings.  You are all beautiful, I promise :)

A nice warm snuggly welcome to my newest followers - who would have ever thought 91 people would be bothering to read what I write!  Thank you :)

.........................................

I decided I am feeling very inspired to fast tomorrow.  I really need to get through a few good days of fasting in order to cleanse this holiday out of my system.  Tea, water, seltzer and a piece of fruit if I feel faint.  Anyone other takers?

Still too heavy

UGH 129.6 this morning.  I was doing so well before all of these Christmas festivities!  Yesterday, I was supposed to fast with some of the great people around this community.  I was great until I got in to work at noon and immediately became inundated with Christmas sweets.  Luckily, I do not go into work until four in the afternoon today, so I can make up for my failure yesterday.

As usual, I fit in a run - and it was a total blizzard outside!  The plows had come through but it was gusting up to 40mph winds so my normal 36 minute/4.4 mile route took me 43 minutes!  You should have seen me all bundled up, it was quite a sight.  In  little more than an hour I am going to that new class at the wellness center I joined.  I need to shed these disgusting pounds of fat hanging off of me and reveal lean, slim muscles.  Enough is enough already.

In other news, I dropped my phone in the bathtub, like a total idiot!  I was taking a bath, Juan texted me, and next thing you know - PLOP!  It is ruined but luckily I had my old phone to reactivate temporarily until I can figure out possibly buying a new one.  I just have too many expenses right now - another graduate school application ($65), new front tires ($130 since my dad was nice enough to give me $60), contact lenses ($100+), a small credit cared bill, possibly a plane ticket to California, etc.

Over the next few days I need to think about my new resolutions for the coming year.  I know my immediate goal for January/February is to get down to <120.

I hope everyone is doing a better job than I at losing and shunning all of the fat-inducing sweets that seem to surround us right now.  I know I can do this, but I need to refocus.  Today is a new day, and I am going to rock a liquid fast (tea for breakfast after my 10am class, water, instant low-sodium miso soup, vegetable juice, and more tea).  Maybe, if it goes well today, I can continue tomorrow and either stay with liquids or are fruit.

Thank you all so much for the kind words - I can hardly believe that all of these people I do not really know can be so supportive and sweet.

And Cinnamon, I mailed your package yesterday! :)

Thinspired

There isn't much rhyme or reason to the photos I chose... just enjoy...