In my head

So the dress definitely fit a little better than the beginning of the month, but not nearly well enough to wear in public.

I'm not sure what to do.

My brain is so dissatisfied with my weight.  But I have been writing and griping about this for years. YEARS.  I have lost years of my life to these stupid body dysmorphic thoughts.  And for what?  Literally nothing.  My weight has fluctuated in the same ten pound range since 2009.

And now, for the most part I am content with my life and cannot be bothered to focus the energy I need on restricting and losing weight.  It used to come naturally, especially when I was feeling frazzled and distressed and lost.  But now (thankfully??) I am gainfully employed, in a blissful relationship, and have a much less stressful life, I have lost the need for this stupid coping mechanism and cannot manage to control my weight in a healthy manner.

I assume that I will encounter periods in my life when I will lean on my eating issues to cope with stress and difficult times.  I will not be surprised in the slightest.  But for now, I guess I should be grateful that I am generally feeling ok, even if I do think I am too fat.

In other news, I have been a bit ill in the tummy department.  I have had digestive distress for about a month so I finally went to the doctor and they are running tests.  I think everything will be fine, but it will be good to have it sorted out.  And would you believe that even after a month of that, I have yet to lose a pound?  It's a cruel world, I tell you.

Hmm, I also ran a 5k this morning in just over 25 minutes, so I was pleased with that.  And I am definitely running a marathon in September.

And Benjamin arrives this week - we are going to California/Oregon/Washington and I anticipate we will have a splendid time together.  I am so excited to just see his smile and breathe him in on Thursday.

Maybe I should think about closing this blog... I don't know... I love reading everyone else's blogs, but I feel as if I have nothing worthwhile to contribute at this point...

Maybe I'm just feeling particularly weird today since it's the anniversary of Pauline's disappearance (and presumably her death)...

Back in town

In general, I had a really nice time in California visiting my friends.  In all honesty, even though I had such a rough time when I lived there in 2009-2010, I did not want to leave.  I forgot that I truly enjoy the pace of life there.  My friend that was kind enough to host me went through a difficult breakup this fall.  She also invited her friend from college to stay with us who is going through some very heavy personal stuff right now.  Basically, we were a slumber-party-support-group.

The weather was on the chilly side, but so sunny.  I ran every day and enjoyed the change in scenery, hitting up my old running paths and trying to let me soul rest for a bit.

I met up with several of my friends from work and graduate school, which was so great, overall, but also sad in the sense that I ended up talking about Pauline and Juan A LOT.

Ah, and speaking of which, Juan and I were in contact a bit and I was thinking he might drive down to see me.  He told me he really wanted to come but that it was a bad idea.  I know he's right.  It has been more than a year since we really broke up.  I sort of freaked out and cried a lot when I realized he was not going to come - mainly because I am really struggling with the notion of NEVER EVER seeing him again.  And the fact that he either does not really think of it like that, or he does not care/is ok with it.  I don't know.

One of the major highlights of the trip, however, was a great afternoon coffee date with my friend who hosted me, our friend from work, and our lovely Miranda!  I told my friends I was going to meet a girl whose blog I read.  I explained that it was basically like a diary where you get public commentary, but that the entire idea is that no one you know in real life reads it.  They seemed perfectly satisfied with that.  I did not tell them that I have a blog too.  Anyway, Miranda was so, so, so lovely and friendly (and skinny!) and we had a lovely time drinking tea and getting to know one another a bit.  Miss Miranda, I hope you had as good of a time as I did, and its good to know we're both nice, non-pyscho internet people in real life, right?

The only souvenir I brought back from San Diego was a few pounds around my middle.  I did not have access to a scale while I was there, and we ate out for nearly every meal.  I was pretty well behaved, honestly, sticking to salads and light fare, but I think the combination of more sodium than usual and not controlling the calories myself left me in bad shape.  I will not give an exact number, but even after taking a laxative tea last night (traveling and changing time zones and eating wheat all messed with my tummy a bit, so it was for good reason) I was over 140.  I was looking at an old photo of me from the summer of 2010 last night and I know I was about 8 pounds less then, I looked so much better.  I am resolved to do what I have to do to lose weight right now.  I have done it before, I know I can do it now.  Especially since I start school and my internship this week - the stress and busy schedule will leave me not eating much.  My clothes are not fitting right and I cannot take a photograph without feeling disgusting.  Plus, I want to show people my tattoo, but my gross middle is prohibiting me from being more comfortable with that.

Oh, and I am on day 17 of my running streak - it happens to be snowing/raining today, but I am not going to stay in and waste the day.

I know I have been totally out of it as of late, so I have only been reading and not really leaving any comments.  How is everyone doing?

Ruby, I want your address so I can send you a little something...

My final sunset in San Diego

Too excited to feel discouraged today

So clearly I have no achieved my sub-130 goal before my grand voyage to California.  After my run I was 133.8 - the lowest I have been in some time, actually.  While I may not have reached my true goal, I am honestly so excited for my travels tomorrow that I will not let it get me down.

I am also starting to think that perhaps my weight is not the best gauge of my thinness (or lack there-of).  Although I am certainly not as thin, particularly in the waist, as I was when I hit 129ish in December, my waist this morning was about 25 ¾ inches, which is similar to what I was then.  I have been working out, lifting weights, and running so faithfully over the past year or so.  And finally, we have a "progress photo" that we can compare to these.  I think my legs are slimmer, but basically all I have done is put on muscle.  I was hovering around 130 in those photos.  Ugh, I don't know!!!!  Sorry the color is bad and the photo is blurry - bad lighting + taking a picture via a mirror is a bad combination.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a fabulous rest of their week and holiday, if you are celebrating the Fourth.  I am not bringing my computer with me, so I will have a ton of commenting and reading to catch up on, as well as many photos to post.

At 5:50pm EST tomorrow, I will be well on my way to sunny Souther California to see my love :)  Can't want to tell you all about it.  Fill your tummies with good-for-you veggies and get your tushies off the couch!!!

Too heavy but feeling ok

I woke up a 5:45 this morning to see the sunshine pouring in my window and hear the birds singing.  I quickly decided I should just put on my clothes and go for a run before my salon appointment and simply get my day started right.  5.2 miles and 45ish minutes later, I returned home, took a quick shower, guzzled a glass of water and had a handful of grapes.  The scale miraculously reported 134.8 (which would probably be a bit lower, since I usually weigh around 9-10am before having breakfast and after a bathroom trip or two).  Of course, I am not under 130 as I wished to be before Thursday.  There is no hope for that now, but I am feeling ok about it.  Mostly, I think the incredibly kind and encouraging words that you all have left for me in the past two weeks or so has put my anxieties at ease, at least temporarily.

Breakfast was three (two normal and the tiny heel of the loaf) slices of gluten free toast with a scraping of peanut butter and some strawberry jam that I made last week which is all being washed down with copious amounts of iced black coffee.  I can already feel the caffeine kicking in, and combined with the endorphins from running, I feel pretty damn good this morning.

Today, I must continue to job hunt and send out resumes and cover letters as well as pack for my California voyage that begins Thursday afternoon.  I am so insanely excited to see Juan - the last time we were together was April.  And I must say a big thank you for all of the well wishes and excitement that you have expressed!  What lovely, sweet ladies (and gents??) frequent my blog and leave comments.  I do not know what I do without you all - especially the most loyal Dani, Adeline, Cinnamon, Peri, Mich, Tai, Isobel, and Eloise (not that I don't appreciate everyone else too!!!).  I promise I will take a few photos of some sort on Wednesday before I leave, and plenty while I am gone!

Have a lovely Monday!

Deep Breath

So the other day I was freaking out a bit.

I have been really good this week.  Over the past month of so, I had put on several pounds.  But this week, I have been exercising fervently (ran 5 miles on Sunday/Monday/Wednesday, took classes/ran 1-2 miles today and Tuesday) and eating less.  My weight, after the gym this morning was 133.4.  I know that if I keep myself on this roll, I will be under 130, possibly 125 by July 1, when I leave to meet Juan's family.

Oh, did I mention that??  I bought a plane ticket to California!

In other news, I have an interview tomorrow at the school where I have been coaching this season.  They have an opening in their admissions office, and had interviewed a bunch of candidates and nearly offered the job to someone.  Long story short, the headmaster was telling the other coaches that he wished I would be around next year to coach and one of them mentioned my plans to move to California ASAP.  I emailed the headmaster to let him know that even though I do plan to move eventually, if I am gainfully employed here for the next year before getting married, I would love to coach next spring.  In the end, they held off on offering that job to one of the candidates and I had a preliminary interview on Monday.  Tomorrow, I am going in for a day-long session of interviews  I am incredibly nervous, but also really hopeful about getting the position.  I don't know the salary, but it may allow me to move on campus and live with the students and save all of my money for moving/wedding/school in the future.  Juan keeps mentioning how excited he is to get married... I think the ring is really coming soon :)

I went shopping yesterday and bought two pairs of pants (skinny jeans and skinny cropped stretch pants) from the GAP both in a size 4.  I know the Gap, J Crew, Banana, etc. are all major vanity sizers and that I don't belong in a size 4, but it did make me feel good.  I want to get under 120 so I will wear a size 2.

Thank you to everyone who left me words of encouragement, it's exactly what I needed... Cinnamon, Dani, Ariana, Adeline, Cierra... and also thanks to those of you who are still reading and still following.  I'm in a much better position to get caught up on reading and commenting these days.

And I know I've been saying this for a while, but I am going to post progress pictures.  When I hit 129, I promise.

Je suis rentrée

I am terribly sorry for the absence, but I am finally back from my trip to California for the wedding. I forget how much I mentioned it on here, but my friend from graduate school hired me to bake for her wedding outside of Sacramento. My goal was to be 130 pounds or less by the time I left, but I only got down to about 131.8-132.6.

I weighed 133.6 this morning, which all things considered, is not completely horrible. Now, I just need to work extra hard to get down to the 120s.

As for the wedding - it was amazing! My friend, the bride, looked absolutely ravishing. Exhibit a.

My friend is so beautiful and slender. She was the loveliest bride I have ever seen.

My part of the wedding - the cake - came out awesome too! I will have photos soon. I made 100 red velvet cupcakes with vanilla bean buttercream, 100 carrot cake cupcakes with rum-soaked raisins and orange blossom cream cheese frosting, a 6-inch, 3 layer lemon cake with lemon buttercream and chocolate ganache, and an apple pie... and all of it was vegan! Everyone loved the cakes and as a whole, the wedding was a total success.

During the reception, Juan texted me to say that he really wanted me to come visit and that he would buy me a plane ticket for Sunday. I wish he hadn't procrastinated, because the fares out of Sacramento (he lives in OC) were $600 for the next day and he needed me to fly from SFO (which was impossible). It's such a shame, considering a. I invited him as my +1 and he could have loved the wedding, and b. I was only about 500 miles way, as opposed to my usual 3,000. We stayed in touch constantly the whole time I was there, he was acting so boyfriend-ly. Then, last night, he was all cranky and touchy. This is the part I hate. Why can't we just cut out all of this bullshit and be together? And why don't I have enough self-respect to stop him from stringing me along?

Anyway, I need to get my day going - I slept until 10am because I am jet-lagged and I should try to do something productive. Definitely no running today - the humidity is horrific. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Time for a little thinspiration...