So a lot has changed and will continue to change in the next two weeks.
I graduated with my masters and moved out of my apartment on Sunday after finishing the Color Run with my friend. I said tearful goodbyes to my roommates and Allan. Not exactly sure where we stand, so I am trying to just let it be.
I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday and still feel pretty rough. I have yet to take a single pain pill, but continuously have ice strapped to my face.
In less than two weeks, I have to organize my apartment's-worth of belongings and pack for the next three months. Visit and say goodbye to my friends here in my hometown, and finally, escape.
So what, besides my horribly swollen face, is plaguing me?
I am terribly huge. Honestly. Truly. My mother said my face is round. She told me that I am eating out of boredom. And to make matters worse, I cannot exercise - in fact, I can hardly move or it induces swelling. I have to eat something in order to take the antibiotics.
I hope I can finally get all of the stress in my life under control for once. Allan is wonderful, but I don't know what is going to happen to us, which makes me sad and stressed. He insists I am still hung up on Juan, which stresses me out. Then, there was just the past several weeks of school. My teeth. Moving. Packing. Pauline. I don't know. The stress is making me heavier, that's for sure. Once I touch down in France, and am sure I will feel much more at ease, even if I am still emotionally reeling. Or at least I hope so.
Ok, now I am just rambling on about the same old, same old.
I need to stop eating. If not altogether, than surely not so much. I can't take it anymore. I know it's a horrible attitude. I know it's not healthy. And truly most of that is just in my head, not in my actions, so don't be too concerned.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Exhausted
My head is spinning.
This semester has been so incredibly busy. Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.
Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font. Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...). My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in. I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal. Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight. I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down. Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate. While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship. I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.
As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated. His life is just so. damn. complicated. Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens. Between us, everything is lovely. He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him. It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term. Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August. Yeah. With two older kids already. I know. I know. But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind. Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that. And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life. He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him. Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that. I will be very sad to leave him when I go away. It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.
People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer. The truth is, this too is complicated. Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear. Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love. I miss my Popi so so so so much. I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me. Having such a close friend die is unimaginable. The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child. And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this. I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here. I don't know. Some days I wake up and forget she is dead. I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends. It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.
On the weight front, things are in shambles. I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must. I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions. The result? I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW. I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry. It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices. He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes. I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says. My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs. This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way. I am positive that will help me slim down a bit. The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?
And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week. I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well. I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all. If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem. In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am. I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are). I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences. I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem? They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?). Merci beaucoup. Grazie mille. Muchas gracias.
Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house. Graduation. Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made. Packing and moving. Tearful goodbyes with Allan. Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move. Because I didn't have enough to do, right?
This semester has been so incredibly busy. Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.
Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font. Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...). My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in. I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal. Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight. I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down. Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate. While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship. I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.
As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated. His life is just so. damn. complicated. Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens. Between us, everything is lovely. He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him. It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term. Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August. Yeah. With two older kids already. I know. I know. But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind. Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that. And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life. He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him. Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that. I will be very sad to leave him when I go away. It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.
People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer. The truth is, this too is complicated. Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear. Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love. I miss my Popi so so so so much. I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me. Having such a close friend die is unimaginable. The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child. And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this. I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here. I don't know. Some days I wake up and forget she is dead. I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends. It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.
On the weight front, things are in shambles. I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must. I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions. The result? I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW. I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry. It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices. He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes. I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says. My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs. This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way. I am positive that will help me slim down a bit. The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?
And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week. I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well. I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all. If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem. In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am. I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are). I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences. I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem? They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?). Merci beaucoup. Grazie mille. Muchas gracias.
Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house. Graduation. Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made. Packing and moving. Tearful goodbyes with Allan. Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move. Because I didn't have enough to do, right?
A little ramble about dysmorphia
I am at a really heavy weight right now. Even with moderate amounts of running (finished another half marathon last Saturday in under two hours without really training!) and having my fridge empty, I cannot seem to make these pounds budge.
My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape. Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest. I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds. Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes. I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories. I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day. In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite. Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend. I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible. I just need to be strict.
Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life. I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be! Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat. Hooray for plants!
And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend. The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda. When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny. While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it. Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away. Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.
I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder. I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable. Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...) Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head. People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis. Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average. I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles. My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there. I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault. What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault. I think I am just programmed as such. I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community. Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality. Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities. I wish I had the answers.
I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us. To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale. But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away. If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me? I don't know.
I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?
That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding. My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone. I hope that is true.
My boyfriend tells me that if this is my "chubby weight," that I am in good shape. Well, unfortunately I do not agree with that in the slightest. I want to snap my fingers and say goodbye to twenty pounds. Obviously, that is impossible, but I just need to get serious about making changes. I finally got some Vega One shake mix, and the nutrition profile is excellent for the amount of calories. I think incorporating that will help me stay away from snacking during the day. In addition, the warm weather we have had recently is taking away a bit of my appetite. Not to mention, the stress of the end of the school year and the millions of awful things that keep happening to my boyfriend. I would like to lose at least five pounds before graduation day, which honestly is not unhealthy or impossible. I just need to be strict.
Since moving here, and especially since I started seeing Allan, I have been eating out much more frequently than ever in my life. I vow that until graduation, if I eat at a restaurant, a salad it will be! Certainly some salads can be far from healthy, but that is usually due to fatty toppings like creamy dressings, cheese, and bacon, none of which I ever eat. Hooray for plants!
And on to more substantial stuff (rather than my ever-present dysmorphic complaining about my weight)...
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, the only one who knows me in real life (other than Miranda, who I met out in CA!) brought up the post I did a while back where I quoted a pretty inflammatory Facebook remark made by a childhood friend. The post said something about shaming size 0s and how other people should not be jealous, yadda yadda yadda. When really, if you read between the lines, the writer is bragging about being super tiny. While admittedly she is enviably small, she has not achieved that body in a healthy way, and seems to constantly be seeking attention for it. Sadly, it is likely a cry for help, but at the moment, she seems to push her friends away. Annnnnnnnyway, what my friend and I subsequently discussed was a bit about body dysmorphia.
I was saying that sometimes I feel like a total fraud, writing this blog, in that I do not have an eating disorder. I have had periods of my life where I have definitely exhibited disordered patterns of eating, but never anything unshakable. Furthermore, I have never dropped to a dangerously low weight (I know that is really a bunch of BS, DSM diagnostic crap, but...) Honestly, the bulk of my problems are all in my head. People tell me that I am thin on a fairly regular basis. Objectively, from the outside, rationally, I know I am average. I have a healthy BMI and I can run miles and miles. My boyfriend is constantly touting how attractive he finds my body... and yet... I cannot shake the feelings I have had for years about how much better it would be to be a little trimmer here, thinner in the arms, slimmer in the thighs, tighter there. I look in the mirror and am constantly disappointed by what I see and full well know that the losing weight (or not, for that matter) part is entirely my fault. What we were discussing, however, is the fact that I think and feel this way really is not my fault. I think I am just programmed as such. I am so fortunate that it has only consumed my thoughts and not my actions, unlike so many people in this community. Maybe it is part of my perfectionist, over-achieving personality. Maybe the fact that I come off as confident and friendly and outgoing is to compensate for my intense body insecurities. I wish I had the answers.
I wish I had some kind of solution for all of us. To get us out of these mind traps that leave us in tears after seeing a number on the scale. But unfortunately, at least for me, I fear it is never going to go away. If I cannot toss these thoughts after feeling the accomplishment of running a marathon or feeling adored by another human, than what hope is there for me? I don't know.
I just hope that in future periods of stress, I am able to keep on the relatively normal path, you know?
That was sort of a long-winded, unclear thought train, but thanks for riding. My friend said that even if I feel weird about writing here sometimes, and even if I do not have an eating disorder, she thinks I have the capability of helping someone. I hope that is true.
Where does the time go?
My it has been quite a while since I last spilled my feelings out around here. I have noticed a lot is going on with people, as usual, but I have merely been lurking silently in the background.
So what is new?
Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned. Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep. He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him. The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days. On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter. The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation. We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards. The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly. This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances, but I am glad it is working. He is truly so kind.
Enough of my gushing...
I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail. By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out. I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months. Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it. The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university. Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.
My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running. I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it. Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR. I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know). I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly. It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.
And how is everyone else doing? Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.
Just a teeny, tiny edit:
A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook. Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously... She would not be obese at a size 10. In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight. And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are. This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin. Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know? Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!
"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."
So what is new?
Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned. Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep. He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him. The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days. On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter. The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation. We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards. The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly. This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances, but I am glad it is working. He is truly so kind.
Enough of my gushing...
I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail. By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out. I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months. Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it. The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university. Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.
My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running. I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it. Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR. I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know). I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly. It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.
And how is everyone else doing? Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.
Just a teeny, tiny edit:
A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook. Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously... She would not be obese at a size 10. In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight. And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are. This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin. Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know? Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!
"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."
Back in town
In general, I had a really nice time in California visiting my friends. In all honesty, even though I had such a rough time when I lived there in 2009-2010, I did not want to leave. I forgot that I truly enjoy the pace of life there. My friend that was kind enough to host me went through a difficult breakup this fall. She also invited her friend from college to stay with us who is going through some very heavy personal stuff right now. Basically, we were a slumber-party-support-group.
The weather was on the chilly side, but so sunny. I ran every day and enjoyed the change in scenery, hitting up my old running paths and trying to let me soul rest for a bit.
I met up with several of my friends from work and graduate school, which was so great, overall, but also sad in the sense that I ended up talking about Pauline and Juan A LOT.
Ah, and speaking of which, Juan and I were in contact a bit and I was thinking he might drive down to see me. He told me he really wanted to come but that it was a bad idea. I know he's right. It has been more than a year since we really broke up. I sort of freaked out and cried a lot when I realized he was not going to come - mainly because I am really struggling with the notion of NEVER EVER seeing him again. And the fact that he either does not really think of it like that, or he does not care/is ok with it. I don't know.
One of the major highlights of the trip, however, was a great afternoon coffee date with my friend who hosted me, our friend from work, and our lovely Miranda! I told my friends I was going to meet a girl whose blog I read. I explained that it was basically like a diary where you get public commentary, but that the entire idea is that no one you know in real life reads it. They seemed perfectly satisfied with that. I did not tell them that I have a blog too. Anyway, Miranda was so, so, so lovely and friendly (and skinny!) and we had a lovely time drinking tea and getting to know one another a bit. Miss Miranda, I hope you had as good of a time as I did, and its good to know we're both nice, non-pyscho internet people in real life, right?
The only souvenir I brought back from San Diego was a few pounds around my middle. I did not have access to a scale while I was there, and we ate out for nearly every meal. I was pretty well behaved, honestly, sticking to salads and light fare, but I think the combination of more sodium than usual and not controlling the calories myself left me in bad shape. I will not give an exact number, but even after taking a laxative tea last night (traveling and changing time zones and eating wheat all messed with my tummy a bit, so it was for good reason) I was over 140. I was looking at an old photo of me from the summer of 2010 last night and I know I was about 8 pounds less then, I looked so much better. I am resolved to do what I have to do to lose weight right now. I have done it before, I know I can do it now. Especially since I start school and my internship this week - the stress and busy schedule will leave me not eating much. My clothes are not fitting right and I cannot take a photograph without feeling disgusting. Plus, I want to show people my tattoo, but my gross middle is prohibiting me from being more comfortable with that.
Oh, and I am on day 17 of my running streak - it happens to be snowing/raining today, but I am not going to stay in and waste the day.
I know I have been totally out of it as of late, so I have only been reading and not really leaving any comments. How is everyone doing?
Ruby, I want your address so I can send you a little something...
The weather was on the chilly side, but so sunny. I ran every day and enjoyed the change in scenery, hitting up my old running paths and trying to let me soul rest for a bit.
I met up with several of my friends from work and graduate school, which was so great, overall, but also sad in the sense that I ended up talking about Pauline and Juan A LOT.
Ah, and speaking of which, Juan and I were in contact a bit and I was thinking he might drive down to see me. He told me he really wanted to come but that it was a bad idea. I know he's right. It has been more than a year since we really broke up. I sort of freaked out and cried a lot when I realized he was not going to come - mainly because I am really struggling with the notion of NEVER EVER seeing him again. And the fact that he either does not really think of it like that, or he does not care/is ok with it. I don't know.
One of the major highlights of the trip, however, was a great afternoon coffee date with my friend who hosted me, our friend from work, and our lovely Miranda! I told my friends I was going to meet a girl whose blog I read. I explained that it was basically like a diary where you get public commentary, but that the entire idea is that no one you know in real life reads it. They seemed perfectly satisfied with that. I did not tell them that I have a blog too. Anyway, Miranda was so, so, so lovely and friendly (and skinny!) and we had a lovely time drinking tea and getting to know one another a bit. Miss Miranda, I hope you had as good of a time as I did, and its good to know we're both nice, non-pyscho internet people in real life, right?
The only souvenir I brought back from San Diego was a few pounds around my middle. I did not have access to a scale while I was there, and we ate out for nearly every meal. I was pretty well behaved, honestly, sticking to salads and light fare, but I think the combination of more sodium than usual and not controlling the calories myself left me in bad shape. I will not give an exact number, but even after taking a laxative tea last night (traveling and changing time zones and eating wheat all messed with my tummy a bit, so it was for good reason) I was over 140. I was looking at an old photo of me from the summer of 2010 last night and I know I was about 8 pounds less then, I looked so much better. I am resolved to do what I have to do to lose weight right now. I have done it before, I know I can do it now. Especially since I start school and my internship this week - the stress and busy schedule will leave me not eating much. My clothes are not fitting right and I cannot take a photograph without feeling disgusting. Plus, I want to show people my tattoo, but my gross middle is prohibiting me from being more comfortable with that.
Oh, and I am on day 17 of my running streak - it happens to be snowing/raining today, but I am not going to stay in and waste the day.
I know I have been totally out of it as of late, so I have only been reading and not really leaving any comments. How is everyone doing?
Ruby, I want your address so I can send you a little something...
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| My final sunset in San Diego |
Busy and scattered
It's amazing that I gain any followers that this point. My posting is only about once a week, at best, so I appreciate anyway who is bothering to join in and read.
I wish that as I was gaining followers, I was losing pounds.
Hit a new high today and I am absolutely disgusted/embarrassed.
Luckily, I can survive on two small meals, fruit, and coffee today.
This is a totally scatterbrained post...
I ran 19 miles on Sunday, which went relatively well. I'm about to get my tush out the door right now for six, tomorrow is nine, and I forget what I have planned for the rest of the week.
Congratulations to Lulu on her new job!
Seriously, I apologize for this random stream of consciousness.
School started yesterday and I am already exhausted. Today, I work from 9-2, go straight to campus to do more work with my professor all afternoon, and then class from 7:20-10.
Maybe, being so busy and relatively broke, will help me eat significantly less (since that is the only thing that will help me at this point)...
Hope everyone is well (or at least better than I am).
I wish that as I was gaining followers, I was losing pounds.
Hit a new high today and I am absolutely disgusted/embarrassed.
Luckily, I can survive on two small meals, fruit, and coffee today.
This is a totally scatterbrained post...
I ran 19 miles on Sunday, which went relatively well. I'm about to get my tush out the door right now for six, tomorrow is nine, and I forget what I have planned for the rest of the week.
Congratulations to Lulu on her new job!
Seriously, I apologize for this random stream of consciousness.
School started yesterday and I am already exhausted. Today, I work from 9-2, go straight to campus to do more work with my professor all afternoon, and then class from 7:20-10.
Maybe, being so busy and relatively broke, will help me eat significantly less (since that is the only thing that will help me at this point)...
Hope everyone is well (or at least better than I am).
Same old, same old
My tendinitis has completely subsided, thank goodness. I put in 12 solid miles yesterday, and my coach adjusted my schedule for the remaining weeks. I was supposed to run 6 this morning with 10 strides at the end, but I did not fall asleep until midnight or so, so waking up at six this morning was not working. I have to work until seven tonight, but I will go when I get home from work. It actually works out, because I have to do 9 tomorrow, and have a conference call at 8:30 - meaning, I would have to be up quite early in order to run, shower and get ready for work, and be ready by 8:30 and off to work by 9:30.
That is about the only thing I am feeling good about right now. I am SO incredibly discouraged about my weight. I know I am a total broken record, but I think the pressure is finally building enough (especially with the beginning of the new school year looming right around the corner) that I will do something about it. I had a very light breakfast of a little yogurt and melon this morning, and am packing rice with zucchini/edamame/red peppers, a sweet potato, kiwi, and plums for the rest of the day while I am out. I do not have to move around much at my afternoon job, so I am sure I will have enough energy. When I get home from work, I will have a quick snack of a few almonds, and then set out on my run. As long as I stay hydrated and have a bit of caffeine, I should be fine. If I continue with that every day, I should be able to lose a bit this week and for the rest of the time before the marathon. Even with the protein smoothies I have been drinking on long run days, I should still be able to lose. I need to lose. I am at an embarrassing weight just on the cusp of my absolute limit. Does anyone know a magic trick that would allow me to lose fifteen pounds overnight????
Last week was a trying week with Juan (again, broken record much?) - I had it out with him on Wednesday, which I absolutely hate. He just has been wavering between treating me like his girlfriend and ignoring me, and I finally decided to try and get him to pick one or the other. I am glad I said all the things I said, but I hate getting so upset and exasperated. In the days following, he has been the kind of guy I know he can be. I feel better about it, in general, but he has still managed to avoid just making a choice. I will give it a few more days, ask again, and see what happens. I get the impression that he does want to be together again, honestly, but I do not want him to just slip back into it. I want him to tell me that this is his choice and that he will commit to this. Under normal circumstances, it might be fine for two people to come together organically and without titles and official conversations, but as most of you know, he needs to regain my trust and make a true commitment to me.
Ah, I am going to be late for babysitting... not sure I have too much to say anyway. If you have not popped over to Peri's blog, she made a hilarious video where she opened the package I sent. You can see the adorable kiwi if you watch it.
Thank you all, immensely, from the bottom of my little heart, for reading and listening and giving me encouragement and love. What would we do without each other?
That is about the only thing I am feeling good about right now. I am SO incredibly discouraged about my weight. I know I am a total broken record, but I think the pressure is finally building enough (especially with the beginning of the new school year looming right around the corner) that I will do something about it. I had a very light breakfast of a little yogurt and melon this morning, and am packing rice with zucchini/edamame/red peppers, a sweet potato, kiwi, and plums for the rest of the day while I am out. I do not have to move around much at my afternoon job, so I am sure I will have enough energy. When I get home from work, I will have a quick snack of a few almonds, and then set out on my run. As long as I stay hydrated and have a bit of caffeine, I should be fine. If I continue with that every day, I should be able to lose a bit this week and for the rest of the time before the marathon. Even with the protein smoothies I have been drinking on long run days, I should still be able to lose. I need to lose. I am at an embarrassing weight just on the cusp of my absolute limit. Does anyone know a magic trick that would allow me to lose fifteen pounds overnight????
Last week was a trying week with Juan (again, broken record much?) - I had it out with him on Wednesday, which I absolutely hate. He just has been wavering between treating me like his girlfriend and ignoring me, and I finally decided to try and get him to pick one or the other. I am glad I said all the things I said, but I hate getting so upset and exasperated. In the days following, he has been the kind of guy I know he can be. I feel better about it, in general, but he has still managed to avoid just making a choice. I will give it a few more days, ask again, and see what happens. I get the impression that he does want to be together again, honestly, but I do not want him to just slip back into it. I want him to tell me that this is his choice and that he will commit to this. Under normal circumstances, it might be fine for two people to come together organically and without titles and official conversations, but as most of you know, he needs to regain my trust and make a true commitment to me.
Ah, I am going to be late for babysitting... not sure I have too much to say anyway. If you have not popped over to Peri's blog, she made a hilarious video where she opened the package I sent. You can see the adorable kiwi if you watch it.
Thank you all, immensely, from the bottom of my little heart, for reading and listening and giving me encouragement and love. What would we do without each other?
Really?
Finally my weight is going in the right direction.
As promised, I went for a run to support Isobel yesterday.
132.8 this morning, I guess skipping a few meals pays off sometimes.
122.8 would be so much better.
I received some VERY bad news about my school funding this week - not really sure what to do. It's really the last thing I needed right now. When I finally get my head wrapped around some sort of plan, I promise to write about it. If I was over the edge the other day when I posted, I think I just fell off the cliff.
I have lunch with a friend scheduled for today, but I picked the place and they have a ton of great salads, which is the only food I never feel guilty about eating. I had a two slices of rice toast (well, one slice and the nub of the loaf) for breakfast and now I am sipping my coffee. Lunch will be salad, then I plan to make more coffee and let that get me through the evening. When I get home from work at five, I am going to squeeze in a run before I go to class at 7:20.
I want to put my life on pause for a while. I cannot handle all of this right now.
The best thing in my life is that working at the yarn shop, I can get a lot of knitting done, and I am finished with the front, back, and half of the sleeves for a sweater. I then have a ton of other things on my queue... including some treats to send overseas to South Africa and New Zealand (you know who you are!)... Northern hemisphere-ers, you can wait a few months.
Anyone want to send me money for a plane ticket so I can just drop my life for a while and come visit you? Oh, and that would also include you adopting me temporarily, at least...
And of course, in my infinite wisdom, I texted Juan on Monday when I heard my bad news. I hate this. I miss him so much.
As promised, I went for a run to support Isobel yesterday.
132.8 this morning, I guess skipping a few meals pays off sometimes.
122.8 would be so much better.
I received some VERY bad news about my school funding this week - not really sure what to do. It's really the last thing I needed right now. When I finally get my head wrapped around some sort of plan, I promise to write about it. If I was over the edge the other day when I posted, I think I just fell off the cliff.
I have lunch with a friend scheduled for today, but I picked the place and they have a ton of great salads, which is the only food I never feel guilty about eating. I had a two slices of rice toast (well, one slice and the nub of the loaf) for breakfast and now I am sipping my coffee. Lunch will be salad, then I plan to make more coffee and let that get me through the evening. When I get home from work at five, I am going to squeeze in a run before I go to class at 7:20.
I want to put my life on pause for a while. I cannot handle all of this right now.
The best thing in my life is that working at the yarn shop, I can get a lot of knitting done, and I am finished with the front, back, and half of the sleeves for a sweater. I then have a ton of other things on my queue... including some treats to send overseas to South Africa and New Zealand (you know who you are!)... Northern hemisphere-ers, you can wait a few months.
Anyone want to send me money for a plane ticket so I can just drop my life for a while and come visit you? Oh, and that would also include you adopting me temporarily, at least...
And of course, in my infinite wisdom, I texted Juan on Monday when I heard my bad news. I hate this. I miss him so much.
Drained
This week has pushed me to the brink.
I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend. I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall. But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.
First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend. Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house. The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day. Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting. Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it. I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise. I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)
Next, the end of the school year is gearing up. I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into. In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do. That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship. I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients. Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.
I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances. Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year. Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise. The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned. Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.
And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January. Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes. Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore. He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on." The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive. I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him. That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to. You do not choose who you love, your heart does. I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him. I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc. All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on. I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do. So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted. He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore. I wish he could have just said that from the get-go. Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.
It feels like we just broke up all over again. My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back. I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier. In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more. I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it. I do not have anyone. I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame. I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.
Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week. I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable. I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon. That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day. I might try the same tactic tomorrow. Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too). My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then. I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks. The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.
My apologies for disappearing for a little while. I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.
I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend. If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you. If you manage to comment, you're even more special!
Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.
I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend. I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall. But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.
First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend. Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house. The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day. Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting. Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it. I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise. I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)
Next, the end of the school year is gearing up. I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into. In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do. That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship. I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients. Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.
I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances. Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year. Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise. The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned. Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.
And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January. Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes. Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore. He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on." The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive. I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him. That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to. You do not choose who you love, your heart does. I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him. I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc. All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on. I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do. So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted. He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore. I wish he could have just said that from the get-go. Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.
It feels like we just broke up all over again. My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back. I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier. In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more. I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it. I do not have anyone. I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame. I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.
Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week. I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable. I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon. That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day. I might try the same tactic tomorrow. Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too). My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then. I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks. The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.
My apologies for disappearing for a little while. I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.
I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend. If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you. If you manage to comment, you're even more special!
Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.
Broken record
I am sorry it has taken me a little while to write another update. Though it's hardly a valid excuse, I am incredibly busy right now. School began again, and I am collecting data for two different research projects for my assistantship. In addition to my assistantship and nine hours per week at the law firm, I began working at the local yarn shop this week too (eight hours, but I think normally I'll be working six).
I squeezed in a few runs this week, last weekend I ran 10.5 on Saturday, then took a few days off due to my schedule/lack of motivation. I only ran 4.5 on Thursday and now it's Saturday again and I have not run. Maybe I will find the time tomorrow, but tonight I am babysitting until quite late, have to attend a church service in the morning to hand out some surveys, and my friends are coming over for dinner at 6:30. In between all of that, I have a study design and policy analysis to complete, among other assignments. It's funny, because when I am in the midst of doing all of these things, it really does not seem so overwhelming - but when I write it down, it seems a little crazy.
I am still trying to sneak in some knitting time - I am finishing my brother's scarf, I need to complete an embroidery project this week too, and then I have things to knit for my Etsy shop (it's empty right now but it will be filled with cowls soon!), surprises for Peri, Mich & Jéanne (among all of the other lovely bloggers I would love to knit for too), and for Lulu's sweet daughter (among about seven or eight additional projects).
My weight this morning was 132.8 - I am working hard on getting back to <130. I did so well for a while - even through the holidays, but lately I have been waking up around 133. I am sure that taking yet another rest day will be shooting myself in the foot, weight-wise. Tomorrow, I am going to try and sneak in a short run in the morning. A few more during the week, and then my 10-mile race is on Sunday the 1st.
Fortunately, (well, really unfortunately), I cannot go grocery shopping again for a few weeks. I need to pay off the small balance on my credit card and then it will be time for rent/utilities/car/renter's insurance again. I am really lucky that I have these few part-time jobs that allow me a little cushion for luxuries like a hair cut, or sending packages to my friends, or buying yarn. Next month will be the first in six months that I will finally be able to put a little money away. And, my mom told me I am getting money back for my tax return - this is a great relief, since I literally live paycheck-to-paycheck and on student loans, and if I ever needed emergency money (like if something happens to my car), I will either have to beg my parents or be up the creek. My parents are very generous - they still let me remain on their health insurance and handle the cel-phone policy (I pay for my own line, but it's much cheaper being on their plan than by myself). My grandmother sends me a little money each month with instructions to "buy vegetables." I have to be grateful for what I have, because I know many people have much less and get by.
So, I suppose I am leaving this post in the same place I have been for a while - busy, feeling fat and physically incompetent, emotionally tired, and trying to be hopeful that I can handle all of the work, run further, faster, and finally see the scale tick down under 120, and somehow find peace. I am a broken record.
I squeezed in a few runs this week, last weekend I ran 10.5 on Saturday, then took a few days off due to my schedule/lack of motivation. I only ran 4.5 on Thursday and now it's Saturday again and I have not run. Maybe I will find the time tomorrow, but tonight I am babysitting until quite late, have to attend a church service in the morning to hand out some surveys, and my friends are coming over for dinner at 6:30. In between all of that, I have a study design and policy analysis to complete, among other assignments. It's funny, because when I am in the midst of doing all of these things, it really does not seem so overwhelming - but when I write it down, it seems a little crazy.I am still trying to sneak in some knitting time - I am finishing my brother's scarf, I need to complete an embroidery project this week too, and then I have things to knit for my Etsy shop (it's empty right now but it will be filled with cowls soon!), surprises for Peri, Mich & Jéanne (among all of the other lovely bloggers I would love to knit for too), and for Lulu's sweet daughter (among about seven or eight additional projects).
My weight this morning was 132.8 - I am working hard on getting back to <130. I did so well for a while - even through the holidays, but lately I have been waking up around 133. I am sure that taking yet another rest day will be shooting myself in the foot, weight-wise. Tomorrow, I am going to try and sneak in a short run in the morning. A few more during the week, and then my 10-mile race is on Sunday the 1st.
Fortunately, (well, really unfortunately), I cannot go grocery shopping again for a few weeks. I need to pay off the small balance on my credit card and then it will be time for rent/utilities/car/renter's insurance again. I am really lucky that I have these few part-time jobs that allow me a little cushion for luxuries like a hair cut, or sending packages to my friends, or buying yarn. Next month will be the first in six months that I will finally be able to put a little money away. And, my mom told me I am getting money back for my tax return - this is a great relief, since I literally live paycheck-to-paycheck and on student loans, and if I ever needed emergency money (like if something happens to my car), I will either have to beg my parents or be up the creek. My parents are very generous - they still let me remain on their health insurance and handle the cel-phone policy (I pay for my own line, but it's much cheaper being on their plan than by myself). My grandmother sends me a little money each month with instructions to "buy vegetables." I have to be grateful for what I have, because I know many people have much less and get by.So, I suppose I am leaving this post in the same place I have been for a while - busy, feeling fat and physically incompetent, emotionally tired, and trying to be hopeful that I can handle all of the work, run further, faster, and finally see the scale tick down under 120, and somehow find peace. I am a broken record.
So anxious
Yesterday turned out to be just a really weird day.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
On Tuesday morning, Juan called me from the post office to let me know that he was finally mailing my things. When my phone rang, I froze and did not want to answer, but I did. He simply asked me my address and said he would call back. He indeed did call back, and I am not really sure why - just to make SUPER awkward small talk?
Naturally, this set off some bizarre emotional reactions on my end, just feeling pretty terrible and needy all day. I texted him a few times, but I chalked that up to him initially contacting me. I went to bed, had a hard time falling asleep, finally fell asleep, awoke an hour later from a totally creepy-weird nightmare, and texted him immediately.
Yesterday morning, I woke up sort of late and did schoolwork most of the morning. I was just in this total haze, where I felt completely unfocused and anxious about nothing specific. I went to my hardest class, took a quiz (which was my highest grade this semester - they are 10 questions, and we've all been averaging 6-7/10, I think I got an 8/10 on this one... which is not even good), had a lecture, and then received my first assignment back. Combine my low grade (an 83% - I cannot even remember the last time I received a grade that low, and I worked SO hard on it, sent it to my TA ahead of time to look it over) with my overall anxiety, and the second I was out of the building I just burst into tears. Hopefully, I will do a much better job on the assignment due next week, but it just turned out to be a lousy day.
I wanted to wake up early this morning, but getting out of my warm bed in my freezing apartment and just feeling sort of run down, left me lying there until 8:30. Therefore, I did not get my act together and do yoga or go for a run. Tomorrow, I think I have time for both yoga and a run, so I am trying not to be super stressed about it. I have managed to loose the majority of my fitness by taking two months off from running. My chest muscles are not entirely healed yet, but I have that 10 mile race in April, so I need to just get back into it.
Fortunately, the weird feeling I had all day yesterday left me without much of an appetite. I was 130.6 this morning - the lowest in a few days. I guess I should mention the feeling hasn't really dissipated much today, so maybe I'll have another lower-calorie day. At least it makes me feel a little better. For breakfast, I had a small orange, a handful of pomegranate seeds, about 1/2 cup of homemade granola, and a gigantic glass of water. Since I ate so late, I'll plan on two meals today - my second will be before my class meeting at 3:15 - I have lettuce I need to eat, so I'll make a good sized salad. I need to remember to drink more water, and try to have three mugs of green tea. Tea always manages to calm me, which on an anxiety-ridden day is a good thing. I have my two easier classes today - US/Global public health systems and public health management... the first will be a long lecture and the second, short 10-min project progress report presentations and lecture afterward. I know I am doing well in both of those classes, so that's a relief. I am pretty certain that the way I have been scoring in my Infectious Disease class (from yesterday) will leave me with no chance of an A by the end of the semester... meaning I can kiss my 4.0 goodbye.
Sorry for being so weird and negative today. Olivia-Lee wrote a very powerful post yesterday about trying to channel some positive thoughts and visions, so that we don't turn ourselves into what we don't want to be through negative self-talk (that was a terribly confusing way to summarize her point, just go read it, you'll understand). She is right, that each of us is beautiful in our own way, we all have talents and skills, and lovely parts of our personalities that other people will love and appreciate. It's really hard for us to see it from the inside, but its true.
Oh, and one last thing. As I've done for the past several years, I am making some Lenten sacrifices. I am not Catholic - I am some variety of Protestant that I'm not even totally sure of, mainly because I find organized religion and religious people to be very judgmental, and Christ's teaching are predominately about love and encouragement (i.e Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the speck from your neighbor's eye). Anyway, I had Catholic roommates in college and I thought the ritual of making sacrifices each year during Lent is a good way to cultivate discipline, self-reflection, selflessness and help put more of your everyday thoughts on God. (And, even if you don't believe in a god of any sort, those aren't bad things to work on, so please don't judge.) So, as I typically do, I like to relinquish something material and something immaterial. This year I am giving up snacking - kind of an odd thing to do, but I think I mindlessly eat sometimes to keep myself company. Instead of eating in between meals in a vapid attempt to fill an emotional void, I need to put more trust in God and cultivate good relationships with people. As for immaterial, I am giving up criticism. This includes self-criticism - I have already failed miserably on my first day (came home from class yesterday, hopped on the scale for the, um, 5th or 6th time that day, and cried, my head swimming with thoughts of being so fat and how I shouldn't have eaten), which for a body-dysmorphic person is quite difficult. I also need to refrain from criticizing others. I do it out of concern and coming from a place of helpfulness, but sometimes people just need support, not help. In past years, I gave up gossip, and I have come to rarely do it anymore, as a matter of fact.
Is anyone else giving up something for Lent? If you are, I hope you consider the true reasons why the practice is in place... it's not about losing weight. Just a thought.
Away for the weekend
I have a pile of schoolwork to plow through and back-to-back classes this afternoon/evening before I go, but I am setting off for Seattle tomorrow afternoon.
Still no word on if Juan is truly planning to come to the airport - I expect not. He still has not mailed me my belongings, after a month of being apart. I sent his straight away, the first week that we broke up. How is it so hard to be unable to find the time to do this? It is so emotionally manipulative, though I am doubtful he is doing it on purpose, since he is being the awful, self-absorbed version of the man that I love.
130.2 this morning and hoping that the weekend away will not make me gain. I know we will be going out to eat several times, as is typical with days of sight-seeing, but with any luck I will be able to control myself.
It is 10am and I am still in my pajamas, printing journal articles and working on my case-control study proposal (infectious diseases are incredibly interesting, but be sure not to get any of them!) I needed a morning to relax slightly, as I am feeling very stressed and the semester has only just begun. Between four classes, my research assistantship, my new part time job at the law firm, hopefully another part time job at the yarn store (I have an interview next week!), and trying to fit in a bit of knitting and exercise, my schedule has become quite busy. Sometimes, I feel really anxious and then other times I am mentally fine but get headaches/stomach aches/insanely tired for "no" reason. I just hope I can make it through the semester in one piece and have enough employment to pay my rent this summer.
This was supposed to be a teensy quick post, but it is turning out a little longer than expected. Anyway, today I am going to just keep on with my schoolwork, drink lots of tea and a few cups of coffee, and pack for my weekend trip. I have most of tomorrow to organize as well, as I do not leave until 3:40pm. I had soy yogurt with frozen pineapple and crushed almonds for breakfast, but I doubt I will have much else today. I am too busy and anxious, I think. Tomorrow, I have to eat light, because the cabin pressure tends to give me a tummy ache, so flying on an empty stomach is usually my plan.
Oh, and another thing (sorry for jumping around here) - I am working on a group project this semester about the Female Athlete Triad (disordered eating/menstrual dysfunction/osteoporosis) and have to give a little talk in front of my class about the disordered eating part. I volunteered for it, but oh, the irony.
Thank you for keeping up with my absurd relationship drama and typical complaining about my weight. It really is a comfort to know I am not alone in all of this.
Still no word on if Juan is truly planning to come to the airport - I expect not. He still has not mailed me my belongings, after a month of being apart. I sent his straight away, the first week that we broke up. How is it so hard to be unable to find the time to do this? It is so emotionally manipulative, though I am doubtful he is doing it on purpose, since he is being the awful, self-absorbed version of the man that I love.
130.2 this morning and hoping that the weekend away will not make me gain. I know we will be going out to eat several times, as is typical with days of sight-seeing, but with any luck I will be able to control myself.
It is 10am and I am still in my pajamas, printing journal articles and working on my case-control study proposal (infectious diseases are incredibly interesting, but be sure not to get any of them!) I needed a morning to relax slightly, as I am feeling very stressed and the semester has only just begun. Between four classes, my research assistantship, my new part time job at the law firm, hopefully another part time job at the yarn store (I have an interview next week!), and trying to fit in a bit of knitting and exercise, my schedule has become quite busy. Sometimes, I feel really anxious and then other times I am mentally fine but get headaches/stomach aches/insanely tired for "no" reason. I just hope I can make it through the semester in one piece and have enough employment to pay my rent this summer.
This was supposed to be a teensy quick post, but it is turning out a little longer than expected. Anyway, today I am going to just keep on with my schoolwork, drink lots of tea and a few cups of coffee, and pack for my weekend trip. I have most of tomorrow to organize as well, as I do not leave until 3:40pm. I had soy yogurt with frozen pineapple and crushed almonds for breakfast, but I doubt I will have much else today. I am too busy and anxious, I think. Tomorrow, I have to eat light, because the cabin pressure tends to give me a tummy ache, so flying on an empty stomach is usually my plan.
Oh, and another thing (sorry for jumping around here) - I am working on a group project this semester about the Female Athlete Triad (disordered eating/menstrual dysfunction/osteoporosis) and have to give a little talk in front of my class about the disordered eating part. I volunteered for it, but oh, the irony.
Thank you for keeping up with my absurd relationship drama and typical complaining about my weight. It really is a comfort to know I am not alone in all of this.
Feeling lost
I feel completely lost right now. I have not told anyone because I do not want people to be worried about me. At least I can write it here and know that at the very least one person might read it and send a positive thought or a prayer my way.
Weight wise, I'm sitting between 129-130.something for the past week. I am actually somewhat grateful, considering I have been under some stress and have sort of just been scrounging whatever I can find to eat and neglecting my food journal. I still have seven yoga classes left, which is good, because I have not been running much. I think my body needed a break after running almost daily for 11 months. I am having some odd intercostal chest muscle pain (the muscles in between your ribs) that will not seem to go away. On Sunday, I had a great run - 6.3 miles in 53 min, not too shabby for more than six weeks off. But since then I have not felt in the right place to run. I think I am just going to enjoy what is left of my yoga classes and pick back up with a serious running regimen when I return from my Seattle trip.
I am not sure if I mentioned that around here, but I had a ticket to visit Juan for next weekend, but my younger brother kindly paid for me to change it to come visit him in Seattle (he is in the Navy and stationed there). So, next Friday I leave for a long weekend.
And one more piece of news... Before I go away, I am starting a new job at a law firm in town. It's an office assistant position of 9+ hours per week in the afternoons before I have to be in class. The job is very well matched for my needs, and while I was the last candidate interviewed yesterday, the office manager offered me the position on the spot. I called her a few minutes ago to accept and start next week.
The local yarn store is also looking to hire me, hopefully for a day or two per week or on the weekends. I just need to piece together a few odd jobs and pick up some babysitting to be able to make it through the summer. I finished my first piece for my Etsy store - which once it is truly up and running, I will post the link here in case anyone wants to browse - but have a hat and a little cowl to finish for my brother and mother before I knit more things for the shop. I asked my grandmother to invest in my shop, and she lent me $100 to buy yarn. Hopefully, with my busy school schedule I can find time to do all of this. School is already busier than last semester and my research assistant position is more demanding too.
Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. I miss feeling secure and like I had someone who I could depend on for absolutely anything.
Weight wise, I'm sitting between 129-130.something for the past week. I am actually somewhat grateful, considering I have been under some stress and have sort of just been scrounging whatever I can find to eat and neglecting my food journal. I still have seven yoga classes left, which is good, because I have not been running much. I think my body needed a break after running almost daily for 11 months. I am having some odd intercostal chest muscle pain (the muscles in between your ribs) that will not seem to go away. On Sunday, I had a great run - 6.3 miles in 53 min, not too shabby for more than six weeks off. But since then I have not felt in the right place to run. I think I am just going to enjoy what is left of my yoga classes and pick back up with a serious running regimen when I return from my Seattle trip.
I am not sure if I mentioned that around here, but I had a ticket to visit Juan for next weekend, but my younger brother kindly paid for me to change it to come visit him in Seattle (he is in the Navy and stationed there). So, next Friday I leave for a long weekend.
And one more piece of news... Before I go away, I am starting a new job at a law firm in town. It's an office assistant position of 9+ hours per week in the afternoons before I have to be in class. The job is very well matched for my needs, and while I was the last candidate interviewed yesterday, the office manager offered me the position on the spot. I called her a few minutes ago to accept and start next week.
The local yarn store is also looking to hire me, hopefully for a day or two per week or on the weekends. I just need to piece together a few odd jobs and pick up some babysitting to be able to make it through the summer. I finished my first piece for my Etsy store - which once it is truly up and running, I will post the link here in case anyone wants to browse - but have a hat and a little cowl to finish for my brother and mother before I knit more things for the shop. I asked my grandmother to invest in my shop, and she lent me $100 to buy yarn. Hopefully, with my busy school schedule I can find time to do all of this. School is already busier than last semester and my research assistant position is more demanding too.
Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. I miss feeling secure and like I had someone who I could depend on for absolutely anything.
Finally a bit of an update
I really am terribly sorry for being away for so long. I have been reading and not commenting on a thing, because as you all know I'm suffering the drastic consequences of a breakup with the man I intended to marry in the not-so-distant future.
So where am I right now?
Well, I went home for about ten days after the break up. I spent some time wit my family, my brother came home on leave from the Navy, and I saw my friends often. I knit a sweater. I didn't exercise even the slightest bit while at home, but started Bikram yoga at a local studio before I left. I have 10 more classes to take and then I'll have to stop, I guess, or maybe go once a month. The studio is VERY expensive. I had a six-week hiatus from running, but I have a 10-mile race in April and soon I am going to register for my first marathon in September. I ran on Tuesday and a slow three miles today. School started on Monday and so far I think it will be a good semester. Fortunately, being a totally broke graduate student is doing wonders for my diet - as I am comfortably at 129 pounds. If I can lose between 10-14 more, I will finally be at my ultimate goal weight. For once, I think it is attainable.
As for Juan - it is really, truly over, unless there is some earth-shifting miracle. He finally confessed that he had been planning to break up with me and had been having doubts since Thanksgiving, but did not want to ruin my Christmas (which he did anyway). He thinks we are ultimately incompatible (amazing, since only a few months ago he was going on wax poetic about how I was the woman he wanted to have a family with). I mailed him the last of his belongings, and once I get my package with my things in it, I guess we never have to speak again. My heart absolutely aches. I miss him so much. I love him every day. I know he is being a royal asshat right now and I do not want to be with someone who chooses his job over me, but we had a wonderful relationship for the past year and a half. Despite all of the traveling and missing one another, we made it work so well, until he chose to be selfish and give his work the attention I deserve. It really just hurts so much and nothing will make it better. I am not completely in the depths of despair, only because I know I have obligations and have to keep living my life. One day at a time.
I am going to get caught up on some blog reading and finally send out some comments and thank-yous to the people who have been incredibly supportive of me through this.
I hope things are going well in this new year for all of you. Each of you deserves to be happy and at peace.
So where am I right now?
Well, I went home for about ten days after the break up. I spent some time wit my family, my brother came home on leave from the Navy, and I saw my friends often. I knit a sweater. I didn't exercise even the slightest bit while at home, but started Bikram yoga at a local studio before I left. I have 10 more classes to take and then I'll have to stop, I guess, or maybe go once a month. The studio is VERY expensive. I had a six-week hiatus from running, but I have a 10-mile race in April and soon I am going to register for my first marathon in September. I ran on Tuesday and a slow three miles today. School started on Monday and so far I think it will be a good semester. Fortunately, being a totally broke graduate student is doing wonders for my diet - as I am comfortably at 129 pounds. If I can lose between 10-14 more, I will finally be at my ultimate goal weight. For once, I think it is attainable.
As for Juan - it is really, truly over, unless there is some earth-shifting miracle. He finally confessed that he had been planning to break up with me and had been having doubts since Thanksgiving, but did not want to ruin my Christmas (which he did anyway). He thinks we are ultimately incompatible (amazing, since only a few months ago he was going on wax poetic about how I was the woman he wanted to have a family with). I mailed him the last of his belongings, and once I get my package with my things in it, I guess we never have to speak again. My heart absolutely aches. I miss him so much. I love him every day. I know he is being a royal asshat right now and I do not want to be with someone who chooses his job over me, but we had a wonderful relationship for the past year and a half. Despite all of the traveling and missing one another, we made it work so well, until he chose to be selfish and give his work the attention I deserve. It really just hurts so much and nothing will make it better. I am not completely in the depths of despair, only because I know I have obligations and have to keep living my life. One day at a time.
I am going to get caught up on some blog reading and finally send out some comments and thank-yous to the people who have been incredibly supportive of me through this.
I hope things are going well in this new year for all of you. Each of you deserves to be happy and at peace.
Almost time to go home
I am taking my last exam this afternoon and leaving the morning to spend 12 days at home for the holidays. I was 129.8 this morning. If I eat super light today (though I'm having salty sushi for dinner and simply might retain water by morning) I will be under 130 again tomorrow and have reached my initial goal.
125 by Christmas. I can do it.
125 by Christmas. I can do it.
Still doing ok
130.8 this morning. I cannot wait to see numbers starting with 12 soon.
I am still in the midst of finals, knitting, and dealing with stress from Juan/family/my leg being swollen.
Today I am going to complete my biostatistics final, work on my study guide/flash cards for epidemiology, and have a study break with my friend and go for a run this afternoon. My leg still hurts, but I think it can handle 4-6 miles every other day.
Sorry to be so brief but I have to get back to work.
I hope everyone is doing well. For those of you that are students, the end of the semester is in sight and for most people, the holidays are approaching.
Much love, and thank you, as always, for the support.
I am still in the midst of finals, knitting, and dealing with stress from Juan/family/my leg being swollen.
Today I am going to complete my biostatistics final, work on my study guide/flash cards for epidemiology, and have a study break with my friend and go for a run this afternoon. My leg still hurts, but I think it can handle 4-6 miles every other day.
Sorry to be so brief but I have to get back to work.
I hope everyone is doing well. For those of you that are students, the end of the semester is in sight and for most people, the holidays are approaching.
Much love, and thank you, as always, for the support.
Busy busy busy
Down to 131.8 without any exercise. My latest strategy is simply that I do not want to go grocery shopping until after I come back from Christmas holidays and I would rather spend my very limited funds on Christmas gifts.
My leg is still bothering me - not sure if I mentioned that - so I did not run much last week, I ran on Sunday and woke up in pain on Monday, and am just going to wait it out. Maybe I'll finally feel better on Saturday. Not running is making me totally stir crazy.
My days have been filled with much studying, reviewing, writing papers and statistics reports. Whenever I get a break, I sneak in a bit of knitting. I finished one hat, I'm almost done with my roommate's little neck-warmer, I have one hat to finish by Sunday and two more by Thursday night. Then I have three more knitting projects before Christmas. Just another hat, neck warmer, and bed socks - nothing too crazy, like last year's sweater for Juan.
I hope everyone is enjoying the spirit of the holiday season. I do not really enjoy the crowds involved with shopping, but I love gift-giving at any time of year. I obsess over the perfect presents. I ordered a great safety razor set with a brush, stand, and soap for Juan. I have it shipped directly to him, so he can open it on Christmas and will not be forced to check his luggage when he comes to visit at the end of the month (24 days!!!). I know he will really appreciate it. I need to box up my friend Pauline's gift and get that mailed off to France. I need to work on knitting some other little things for blogging friends too - I started a fun surprise for Peri, but it's been on hold with the Christmas things. I'd love to send some hats and mitts to various corners of the globe.
How are you all doing? I feel like I am in an okay spot now after all of the drama with my family and I'm just trying to stay focused on school, drink many cups of tea, and snuggle with my cat. I sound so lame, huh?
Here's to reaching 130 before Christmas (looks easy at this point) and with any blessing, 125 before Juan arrives. That's a little less than 7 pounds and I haven't even been running lately. I am finally getting closer to my goals. I can hardly believe it.
My leg is still bothering me - not sure if I mentioned that - so I did not run much last week, I ran on Sunday and woke up in pain on Monday, and am just going to wait it out. Maybe I'll finally feel better on Saturday. Not running is making me totally stir crazy.
My days have been filled with much studying, reviewing, writing papers and statistics reports. Whenever I get a break, I sneak in a bit of knitting. I finished one hat, I'm almost done with my roommate's little neck-warmer, I have one hat to finish by Sunday and two more by Thursday night. Then I have three more knitting projects before Christmas. Just another hat, neck warmer, and bed socks - nothing too crazy, like last year's sweater for Juan.
I hope everyone is enjoying the spirit of the holiday season. I do not really enjoy the crowds involved with shopping, but I love gift-giving at any time of year. I obsess over the perfect presents. I ordered a great safety razor set with a brush, stand, and soap for Juan. I have it shipped directly to him, so he can open it on Christmas and will not be forced to check his luggage when he comes to visit at the end of the month (24 days!!!). I know he will really appreciate it. I need to box up my friend Pauline's gift and get that mailed off to France. I need to work on knitting some other little things for blogging friends too - I started a fun surprise for Peri, but it's been on hold with the Christmas things. I'd love to send some hats and mitts to various corners of the globe.
How are you all doing? I feel like I am in an okay spot now after all of the drama with my family and I'm just trying to stay focused on school, drink many cups of tea, and snuggle with my cat. I sound so lame, huh?
Here's to reaching 130 before Christmas (looks easy at this point) and with any blessing, 125 before Juan arrives. That's a little less than 7 pounds and I haven't even been running lately. I am finally getting closer to my goals. I can hardly believe it.
A quick little note
Luckily, I did not gain over the Thanksgiving holiday home. I am somewhere between 133-134. 131.8 after my 6.2 mile run this morning. Ran 7 on Thanksgiving morning with me friend. I have been diligently reading, but as the semester comes to an end, I have a ton of schoolwork and tests to wrap up. Just three more weeks and I'll be finished up, with plenty of time for running, crafting, and blogging.
I hope all is well with my lovely ladies. Please don't be discouraged. You are beautiful. I've been seeing so much depression and despair around here and tumblr, and it makes me scared that one of you (most of you are like my little sisters, since I'm one of the oldest around here, and I truly care and worry) will do something horribly regretful.
I hope all is well with my lovely ladies. Please don't be discouraged. You are beautiful. I've been seeing so much depression and despair around here and tumblr, and it makes me scared that one of you (most of you are like my little sisters, since I'm one of the oldest around here, and I truly care and worry) will do something horribly regretful.
Another good morning
Woke up this morning around 7:30, took an online quiz for my epidemiology course, put on my new Lululemon shorts (via ebay at a decent discount) and hit the pavement for a nice six miles. The wind was really strong but the sun was shining, the sky blue, and the temperature perfect. I hopped on the scale after my run to see 133.6. Granted, that's my dehydrated weight, so I probably am really sitting at about 134.6-8. Regardless, I am thrilled. Even though it's still too high, I'm ready to see that number keep falling.
For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer. Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much. Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water. I'm feeling good about today. Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much? I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring. I have no idea why that makes any sense.
Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair! It is just a fun change. I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.
I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night. I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate. I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics. I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache. I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight. Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial). Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm. I really think it will not be too hard. I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material. I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.
Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight. He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine. He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January. Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.
Alright, I am rambling. I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year. I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too. Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.
Have a lovely day. Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!
For breakfast, 3T steel cut oats, 1T cranberries, 2T hazelnuts, and a splash of soy creamer. Not sure of the calories, but I know I burned about 650-700 on my run this morning according to my heart monitor, and I know my breakfast was not even close to that much. Afterward I rehydrated with 1/2 glass of coconut water ~45 calories and water. I'm feeling good about today. Maybe the weather change is making me want to just drinking more tea and coffee and just not eat so much? I always have trouble losing weight in the summer, but find myself more focused in the fall/winter/spring. I have no idea why that makes any sense.
Thank you so much for all of the compliments on my hair! It is just a fun change. I will rock it for a bit and then I will be happy to be back to my sunny blonde locks.
I made Juan some "mounds" bars last night. I had one - they are delicious... a mixture of coconut, brown rice syrup, powdered sugar, vanilla, organic coconut-oil-based shortening all coated in chocolate. I got the recipe from Babycakes Covers the Classics. I checked out a bunch of gluten-free, vegan cookbooks from the county library a while back because I am trying very hard to avoid wheat, since it makes me feel really sluggish and gives me a tummy ache. I have been doing very well lately - no wheat, dairy, eggs, meat, and generally animal derivatives, like gelatin - with the exception of honey - in my diet makes me feel so much better, is better for the environment, and prevents me from loading up on bad-for-you foods. While it may not be easy at first and my not work for everyone, it works wonderfully for me.
I hope everyone is having a good week. Today is a low-key day for me... no class until 4:30, then Grey's Anatomy (yes I still watch it! It is the only show I watch) is on tonight. Tomorrow, I am meeting my friend in the city and we will run an easy four or five miles around the national mall (for those of you know know nothing about Washington, DC, the national mall is basically this biiiiiig lawn that stretches from the Capitol building - where the congress meets - to the Lincoln memorial). Then, I have a biostatistics test tomorrow night at 7pm. I really think it will not be too hard. I had a study group yesterday and I seem to understand the material. I just hope my teacher based the test mostly off of the lecture and homework material and not the other parts of the chapters that we did not discuss in class.
Oh, I am fairly certain my brother is shipping off tonight. He is in the Navy and will be on a submarine. He cannot say exactly when he is leaving and I have no idea where he will go, but I will not hear from him until January. Say a little prayer for him, if you believe in it.
Alright, I am rambling. I think I need to make some goals for the rest of the year. I need to start thinking about Christmas presents too. Running, studying, and knitting need to be my top three priorities.
Have a lovely day. Thanks for reading my crazy rambles!
Busy
Still hovering around 137. Ridiculous.
Ran four miles Saturday, six on Sunday, and four more this morning. I need to budget my time a bit better, get my bum out of bed before 7:30 and up my mileage.
I think only have breakfast, a snack, and coffee sounds like a great idea for today. If I keep that up, I'll be 135 by the end of the week.
I have a ton of schoolwork to get done in the next few days (10-15 page SINGLE-SPACED report on health in Lebanon, biostatistics homework from three chapters, reading/study guides/quiz/case study for epidemiology) since I am going home on Saturday morning. That also means, I need to run tomorrow afternoon, Thursday/Friday mornings, Sunday morning, and possibly Monday afternoon if I can squeeze it in.
I am so tired of being fat.
I cried most of the day on Saturday because I am so large. I cried in the shower yesterday as I grabbed the excess flesh on my stomach and thighs. I need to be under 120 pounds. I keep saying it, but I'm not doing anything - which is extra pathetic, because this time last year, I was quickly creeping down to 128.
Ran four miles Saturday, six on Sunday, and four more this morning. I need to budget my time a bit better, get my bum out of bed before 7:30 and up my mileage.
I think only have breakfast, a snack, and coffee sounds like a great idea for today. If I keep that up, I'll be 135 by the end of the week.
I have a ton of schoolwork to get done in the next few days (10-15 page SINGLE-SPACED report on health in Lebanon, biostatistics homework from three chapters, reading/study guides/quiz/case study for epidemiology) since I am going home on Saturday morning. That also means, I need to run tomorrow afternoon, Thursday/Friday mornings, Sunday morning, and possibly Monday afternoon if I can squeeze it in.
I am so tired of being fat.
I cried most of the day on Saturday because I am so large. I cried in the shower yesterday as I grabbed the excess flesh on my stomach and thighs. I need to be under 120 pounds. I keep saying it, but I'm not doing anything - which is extra pathetic, because this time last year, I was quickly creeping down to 128.
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on