The past few weeks have been full of stress, and old habits are starting to creep back.
Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I am not resulting to over-exercising. I am quite out of shape at the moment, and combining that with being way too busy, I have only carved out a bit of time for a bit of biking and running and yoga. Most nights I have simply been too tired when I arrive home to bother going to the gym. Of course I then feel insanely guilty and my self-destructive thoughts are reinforced.
Work has been crazy for more than a month... which is ok. I do like to be busy and I am working on great projects. This week, I directed an emergency training exercise with evaluators from our state agency, hospitals, the Red Cross, and more than twenty-five staff members and volunteers. For the most part, everything went off without a hitch and my boss and the state evaluators were thrilled with the exercise. Its nice to see your planning and efforts some to fruition. But, since I have several more pressing projects, I need to write myself a detailed schedule to prepare for the next six weeks before Benjamin arrives (more on that in a moment).
Personally, my life has been fine with the exception of missing my husband and trying to support a friend through a VERY difficult time. It is hard to be strong and supportive for her when the situation is so challenging and depressing. I am trying my absolute best to be there for her, but she has made a handful of bad choices in addition to being dealt a crappy hand at the game of life. I hope that something starts looking up for her soon... in the meantime, it makes me viciously miss my husband... I just want to talk to him in bed before we fall asleep and have someone to give me a big hug when it all makes me so sad that I cry. It makes me miss my family a lot too, since many of her problems stem from her toxic parents and how they have really messed up her ability to have normal relationships and be independent. My parents and I do not always get along perfectly, but the situation makes me incredibly grateful to have loving, supportive parents. It is hard to realize how lucky you are when a good family is your normal.
As a result... and maybe it is a good sign that I so quickly recognize that the stress + loneliness = weird eating patterns... old habits have been resurfacing. Nothing major... skipping a breakfast here, enjoying a rumbling stomach there. I haven't bothered to see if I have lost any weight - though I doubt it. It would be nice, but I want to try and hang onto healthy, even if it still makes me super sad that I am too heavy and too many of my beautiful clothes don't fit.
Not really sure where I am going with all of this...
Benjamin arrives soon. August 24th to be exact. While it would be lovely to have jet-setted to France to being our new life, it makes much more economic and practical sense for us to begin here. So for the time being, I will have to be satisfied with a trip or two to Europe every year and my beautiful, kind, French husband by my side here in the States. We are obviously so fortunate, so I wouldn't dare complain. At this point, we are simply so excited to be on the same continent, that it wouldn't matter if we were in France, America, or Siberia.
It is weird to be excited and stressed and sad and hopeful and hating my body all at once. I suppose it is fortunate that the positive thoughts mostly beat out the negative ones, but I feel like I will never be able to let go of the desire to be thin. I didn't know how good I had it when I was easily and consistently fifteen pounds smaller. Even then, I was sure I was fat. Now that I actually am, I lust after the past and have trepidations for the future. What if the feeling goes away? What if I am never comfortable in my own skin? What if I am doomed to a life of trying to be thin and never achieving the goal? It's a bit heavy (pun intended?) to think about.
I miss writing here and interacting with everyone. I's my own fault for neglecting the space. How is everyone?
Showing posts with label stressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stressed. Show all posts
At this moment
I have been feeling so good and free and nonchalant. It has been such a long time since I exhibited any kind of disordered behaviors. I eat normal meals and even decadent treats without feeling guilty for the first time in ten years.
But then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel so insanely large and uncomfortable in my own skin. Undeserving of the beautiful love of my fiancé. Unworthy of this wedding celebration in two months. Who wants to look at a fat girl in a white dress? The whole idea of standing in front of even just my small handful of people and having them look at my gluttonous body makes me want to cry.
Why must these thoughts continue to haunt me? Rationally, I full well know that my worth as a person is not inversely proportions to my mass. So why is it so easy for my to convince myself it's true?
I am tired of wavering between satisfaction and disgust... with my clothes not fitting... with crying over a candid photograph.
And yet, I know this is essentially all in my head. My body is a clinically healthy size that is capable of great things, but I wish it could be capable of those things while taking up significantly less space. I continue to delude myself that shrinking will make my problems disappear... When we all know that's not true.
We all deserve health and happiness, even you... even me... but how do we get there? Healthy minds and healthy bodies, indefinitely?
Another year has gone by
Happy new year!
I have a bit of news to share...
So there's that. Now we are in the midst of planning a teeny tiny wedding and worrying about immigration. My holidays in France and London were wonderful and I was able to relax and enjoy being with Benjamin for two whole weeks (which is an eternity for us). It's amazing that 2014 whizzed by at such an amazing pace.
But where am I now? Well, I started work again and am traveling to visit my parents/brothers/sister-in-law next week on the West Coast. I need to begin training for my half marathon at the end of March and I am extremely (perhaps worse than ever?) unhappy with the state of my body. I am still trying desperately to not spiral into a dark period of restriction and misery, but part of me feels like it is inevitable. I can't imagine standing in front of my friends in my pretty white dress and being fat. I don't want to have the most important photographs of my lifetime document this body. I must be thinner. I just must be thinner.
I hate how unhealthy my thoughts have already become. Why can't I be one of those people who never gives their weight a second thought. Who is healthy and happy and satisfied with their strength and abilities and flaws... Maybe that will never be me. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Furthermore, I was discussing my sedentary lifestyle with Benjamin this morning. It is so discouraging that after seven years in university, where I ran between work and class and walked all over campus and the small town where I lived, that I have lost my normal daily activity. Sure, I can exercise, and I do, but living in the countryside and working in an office is surely taking a toll on my health and have an immense negative influence on my weight.
All of this makes me stressed. Add in the tiny wedding and immigration issue ($5k+ to hired a lawyer to sort out a green card! Yikes!) and I am already starting to feel overwhelmed. I downloaded the Lose It app (which I know will make me obsessive, but I did it despite my better judgement) to record how much I am taking in and finally get a handle on all of this.
I don't know. I just don't know. On one hand I am so happy to be embarking on this wonderful, amazing life adventure. On the other, I am so dissatisfied with me.
Another month has passed
So I have had two meetings with my nutritionist. I am not absolutely positive that seeing her is worth all of the money I am paying out of pocket, but she is helping me find coping strategies and approach weight loss in a healthy way. When I talk to her it is like therapy, so perhaps it is worth it after all.
In the first two weeks after my initial appointment, things were going really well. I have been eating a huge breakfast, which is a first for me. I take a big scoop of oatmeal and cook it with water, add fruit and hemp seeds, or nuts. I actually struggle to finish the bowl, but my nutritionist said I am not getting enough protein or fat in the morning, which is leaving me unbalanced and too hungry later. So far, so good - it has prevented my midday snacking and I have lost a few pounds (though that has stagnated, so we'll talk about that in a bit)... Additionally, she told me I need to just eat bigger meals in general. When she looked at my intake form, she said I was not eating enough, and that I should adjust to eat a bit more protein. She said I'm not protein deficient, but that I will be more satisfied if I eat more. I have been making an effort on this one, but I still have two big struggles - work lunches with colleagues and not planning ahead.
I saw her for another follow up appointment on Saturday and she suggested a few things. She gave me a long list of good products to keep on hand in the event that I need to throw together a quick meal if I didn't plan ahead well. She also thinks I should buy a rice cooker. The theory here is that I can cook a bowl of grains, like brown rice, quinoa, or a variety of others, and have it to base meals around for most of the week. Most of the advice she has given me so far is truly common sense, but for some reason I needed her to tell me. I know that when I try to lose weight, I go kind of insane. Additionally, seeing her has led me to open up a little bit about my weird eating patterns and stress to a couple of friends. Benjamin is already privy to much of that information, but it is good to have other people understand as well.
This week, I am also trying to find my running groove. After essentially two months of running infrequently and sporadically, I want to stay motivated through the winter and fall back in love with running. I had a good run on Sunday, and I plan to go in a little while to run on my favorite trail.
As for the rest of my life... well, Benjamin is arrive on the 21st, which is wonderful. My parents moved to the West coast, so it is a bit odd to be left behind. I have been incredibly busy at work (Ebola has derailed everything!) and am trying to make sure I have down time and enough hours to a lot to knitting. I am in total elf mode, preparing for the upcoming holidays.
That is the long and short of it. My life is pretty stable, for the most part, since I have my little house and job and weekly activities. I just need to put some attention into being kind to myself and taking care of my body. Seems simple, right?
Oh, and I am not pregnant.
In the first two weeks after my initial appointment, things were going really well. I have been eating a huge breakfast, which is a first for me. I take a big scoop of oatmeal and cook it with water, add fruit and hemp seeds, or nuts. I actually struggle to finish the bowl, but my nutritionist said I am not getting enough protein or fat in the morning, which is leaving me unbalanced and too hungry later. So far, so good - it has prevented my midday snacking and I have lost a few pounds (though that has stagnated, so we'll talk about that in a bit)... Additionally, she told me I need to just eat bigger meals in general. When she looked at my intake form, she said I was not eating enough, and that I should adjust to eat a bit more protein. She said I'm not protein deficient, but that I will be more satisfied if I eat more. I have been making an effort on this one, but I still have two big struggles - work lunches with colleagues and not planning ahead.
I saw her for another follow up appointment on Saturday and she suggested a few things. She gave me a long list of good products to keep on hand in the event that I need to throw together a quick meal if I didn't plan ahead well. She also thinks I should buy a rice cooker. The theory here is that I can cook a bowl of grains, like brown rice, quinoa, or a variety of others, and have it to base meals around for most of the week. Most of the advice she has given me so far is truly common sense, but for some reason I needed her to tell me. I know that when I try to lose weight, I go kind of insane. Additionally, seeing her has led me to open up a little bit about my weird eating patterns and stress to a couple of friends. Benjamin is already privy to much of that information, but it is good to have other people understand as well.
This week, I am also trying to find my running groove. After essentially two months of running infrequently and sporadically, I want to stay motivated through the winter and fall back in love with running. I had a good run on Sunday, and I plan to go in a little while to run on my favorite trail.
As for the rest of my life... well, Benjamin is arrive on the 21st, which is wonderful. My parents moved to the West coast, so it is a bit odd to be left behind. I have been incredibly busy at work (Ebola has derailed everything!) and am trying to make sure I have down time and enough hours to a lot to knitting. I am in total elf mode, preparing for the upcoming holidays.
That is the long and short of it. My life is pretty stable, for the most part, since I have my little house and job and weekly activities. I just need to put some attention into being kind to myself and taking care of my body. Seems simple, right?
Oh, and I am not pregnant.
Just breathe
I really have become such a sporadic writer around here in the last year or so.
So...
The last month was a mix of ups and downs. On the 6th of September, Benjamin arrived. On the 7th, I crashed and burned at my marathon (really, it was an utter disaster). Then we spent two blissful weeks going to a wedding, seeing movies, hanging out with his parents, hanging out with my parents, having important conversations, and drinking wine. On the 20th, I drove him back to the airport and off to France he went. I spent the next several days crying off and on. I went to another wedding without my date, but still managed to have a great time (despite a minor crisis the morning of the event where I had nothing to wear, since I have gained weight and nothing fits). I finally set up an appointment with a nutritionist and am going to see her on Wednesday (more on that in a bit) and ran twice this week. I have also been riding my bike to work on occasion. Oh, and to top it off, yesterday I was in a complete panic when I realized that I had finished my pack of birth control one week ago and still has not started my period. I usually get it two days after the pack is finished. I took a pregnancy test and it is negative. I am just going to wait another week, if it does not appear I will visit the doctor for a consultation and possible blood test.
So here we are.
I am insanely nervous about meeting this nutritionist on Wednesday. She had an eating disorder when she was younger and currently specializes in nutritional counseling for plant-based diets and those who have emotional issues/disordered eating patterns. Her intake/history form was approximately six pages and it was difficult to be honest. But, I know I need to be honest, because my body is out of control at the moment. I cannot have another breakdown in my room when I realize that all of my beautiful clothes no longer fit or I get on the scale and see a horrific number that I swore I would never see in my life. I am also trying to be reasonable and rational and approach this with help. I know that if I do not have someone's help, I will end up fasting and restricting and being more miserable than I am at the moment. I am a bit proud that I am trying to address this in a healthy way, for once.
For the rest of the weekend, since yesterday was just a whole bundle of stress, I am trying to relax a bit. I cleaned and did some laundry, ran a few errands, and treated myself to a soy latte and new yarn. I have been knitting up a storm lately. I wish I could socialize with someone, anyone tonight... it would be better than being alone for the second evening in a row. For the most part, being sad and stressed makes me want to be in another human's presence, not isolate myself. Or at least, the isolation makes me feel worse, not better... I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a horrible place, yesterday was just complicated. Fortunately, Benjamin is amazing. He was calm and reasonable, as always, and did not seem scared in the slightest. He just said if I end up being pregnant, we will adapt and it will be great (not fine, but great). Bless him.
Just trying to remind myself to breathe.
I saw my mother this morning and the last thing she said before I left my parents' house...
"Those shorts really do not look good from the back."
Thanks mom, I already knew I looked super fat.
"Would you rather not know?" she said.
I guess I would rather no one say it out loud, that's all.
"Those shorts really do not look good from the back."
Thanks mom, I already knew I looked super fat.
"Would you rather not know?" she said.
I guess I would rather no one say it out loud, that's all.
All over the place
My life is all over the place right now. Combine that with the fact that I have not written a thing in more than a month, and I think we may have a long post to come...
Let's go back to the half-marathon in June. To be honest, it was a complete disaster! I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces. My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable. No, I just had pain everywhere. Everywhere. By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail. Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race. So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there. Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up. By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running. I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20. My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.
Since the race my training has been going ok. Not great, but I am making my way through the program. I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area. I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes. Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7. I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012. I have lost speed on my regular easy runs. I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work. I guess time will tell.
At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible. We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes. Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine. The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple. We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.
Work has been going well. My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed. I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency. It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens. (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel. While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community. When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible. When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis. I find that encouraging!)
And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline. I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high. After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now. Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love. She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder. I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car. I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum. I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained. It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it). I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it. But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am? I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.
Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful. Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her. And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding. She was there with her new baby and husband. And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse. I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me. I cried before I went to the party. I am so embarrassed.
On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night. I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault. While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution? Drown my feelings in food! This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television. Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food? With my body? Why???
So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.
Let's go back to the half-marathon in June. To be honest, it was a complete disaster! I am not really sure exactly what happened, because I felt mostly prepared and very good the day of the race, but before I even reached the second mile the whole thing went the pieces. My legs were on fire from before the second mile marker, and not in the sense that I felt unstoppable. No, I just had pain everywhere. Everywhere. By the time I reached mile six, I was sure I could never finish, so I just needed to make it to the midway, turn-around point and I could exit the trail. Unfortunately, when I reached the mid-point, there was no way to exit the trail and drop out of the race. So I turned around and thought that I could go back to the last aid station and drop out there. Well, somewhere around mile eight, my legs finally loosened up. By that time it was hot and humid and I was sort of shuffling along and walking a bit, as opposed to running. I started to pick up the pace and then take a few walk breaks (I was starting to think I might seriously injure myself and derail my entire marathon training program) and finished in just under 2:20. My personal best for a half marathon is 1:52, so obviously I was incredibly discouraged.
Since the race my training has been going ok. Not great, but I am making my way through the program. I had been suffering from anterior shin splints and some serious tightness/tendonitis in the backs of my lower legs/achilles tendon area. I have been incorporating a bit of swimming and recently changed shoes. Hopefully, the small changes I made will help get me through the last 5 weeks of my training and I will be ready on September 7. I am quite certain, however, that I will run this race slower than my last in 2012. I have lost speed on my regular easy runs. I used to feel comfortable at anywhere between 8:30 and 8:50-minute mile paces and now even running under 9:00 miles feels like it takes work. I guess time will tell.
At the end of June I spent a week in France, which was incredible. We toured the Bordeaux region and stayed in Sauternes. Our B&B was in the middle of a prestigious vineyard and we had an amazing time biking around and drinking wine. The night before I left, we watched the Germany-France World Cup with some friends and then it was time for me to sadly return to the United States. Fortunately, Benjamin will be here in September and we will finally have the opportunity to spend two weeks as a normal, real couple. We are not traveling, I only took a few days off of work, we are running the marathon and going to a wedding, and generally just having a bit of normalcy.
Work has been going well. My promotion is being delayed because of bureaucracy, but at least I am busy and employed. I am working on some important projects and I feel like an asset to the agency. It is nice to feel like the director of my office finds my ideas useful and important, and that I can actually try and make changes to better our service to our citizens. (Wow, that sounds a little hokey, but it really is the way I feel. While a lot of people become jaded working for local government, I think it is nice to see the direct impact of your work in the community. When you work for the federal government, everything is so intangible. When I work on a program, I get to know the people that the program serves on a daily basis. I find that encouraging!)
And then we have the ever-present elephant in the room... my weight, my eating, my lack of discipline. I have been perpetually upset for the past, well, six months at least, that my weight is so damn high. After spending three months in Europe last summer, eating with abandon, drinking wine, and somehow gaining only two pounds, it is insanely frustrating to be where I am now. Before my trip to France, I contacted a vegan nutritional counselor who has an awesome blog that I love. She is based in New York and has a history of an eating disorder. I must wait a bit to contract her services, as they are a bit expensive and I need some repairs done to my car. I am hoping that in September, however, we can work together and she will be able to help me lose weight in a way that will not make me insane and keep disordered behaviors to a minimum. I know I need to do something drastic... the other night I had a bit of a breakdown when I sort of got stuck in a small dress that I like to try on to gauge how muchI have gained. It was humid and I was sticky, so the fabric just would not slide up over my shoulders (it is a strapless dress and I have to put it on head-first, I cannot step into it). I started to cry and was thankfully eventually able to get out of the dress without damaging it. But honestly, besides seeing how fat I am in the mirror and in photos and getting stuck in a dress, what other signs must I see to know how ridiculous I am? I may be relatively fit, but I simply weigh too much. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel unworthy of Benjamin's affection.
Then, the past few weekends, I spent time with my dear group of friends, and there is one among us who is absurdly thin and beautiful. Seeing her does not really make me jealous, because I obviously respect and adore her, but I cannot help but feel inadequate and ugly next to her. And, on Saturday, I went to a gathering and saw my former friend who kicked me out of her wedding. She was there with her new baby and husband. And while she may not have shed her baby weight yet, she has an excuse. I, on the other hand, am massively fatter than I was the last time she saw me. I cried before I went to the party. I am so embarrassed.
On top of that, I had an incredibly stressful Sunday night. I do not want to publicly detail the event, but there was a great deal of conflict with a friend that was entirely not my fault. While everything has since been resolved, I felt horrible yesterday, so what was my solution? Drown my feelings in food! This vegan made a real cheese pizza and ate a good portion while watching television. Why is it so impossible to have a healthy relationship with food? With my body? Why???
So there is all of that... I know have said this a million times, something must change, now.
Reeling
So a lot has changed and will continue to change in the next two weeks.
I graduated with my masters and moved out of my apartment on Sunday after finishing the Color Run with my friend. I said tearful goodbyes to my roommates and Allan. Not exactly sure where we stand, so I am trying to just let it be.
I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday and still feel pretty rough. I have yet to take a single pain pill, but continuously have ice strapped to my face.
In less than two weeks, I have to organize my apartment's-worth of belongings and pack for the next three months. Visit and say goodbye to my friends here in my hometown, and finally, escape.
So what, besides my horribly swollen face, is plaguing me?
I am terribly huge. Honestly. Truly. My mother said my face is round. She told me that I am eating out of boredom. And to make matters worse, I cannot exercise - in fact, I can hardly move or it induces swelling. I have to eat something in order to take the antibiotics.
I hope I can finally get all of the stress in my life under control for once. Allan is wonderful, but I don't know what is going to happen to us, which makes me sad and stressed. He insists I am still hung up on Juan, which stresses me out. Then, there was just the past several weeks of school. My teeth. Moving. Packing. Pauline. I don't know. The stress is making me heavier, that's for sure. Once I touch down in France, and am sure I will feel much more at ease, even if I am still emotionally reeling. Or at least I hope so.
Ok, now I am just rambling on about the same old, same old.
I need to stop eating. If not altogether, than surely not so much. I can't take it anymore. I know it's a horrible attitude. I know it's not healthy. And truly most of that is just in my head, not in my actions, so don't be too concerned.
I graduated with my masters and moved out of my apartment on Sunday after finishing the Color Run with my friend. I said tearful goodbyes to my roommates and Allan. Not exactly sure where we stand, so I am trying to just let it be.
I had my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday and still feel pretty rough. I have yet to take a single pain pill, but continuously have ice strapped to my face.
In less than two weeks, I have to organize my apartment's-worth of belongings and pack for the next three months. Visit and say goodbye to my friends here in my hometown, and finally, escape.
So what, besides my horribly swollen face, is plaguing me?
I am terribly huge. Honestly. Truly. My mother said my face is round. She told me that I am eating out of boredom. And to make matters worse, I cannot exercise - in fact, I can hardly move or it induces swelling. I have to eat something in order to take the antibiotics.
I hope I can finally get all of the stress in my life under control for once. Allan is wonderful, but I don't know what is going to happen to us, which makes me sad and stressed. He insists I am still hung up on Juan, which stresses me out. Then, there was just the past several weeks of school. My teeth. Moving. Packing. Pauline. I don't know. The stress is making me heavier, that's for sure. Once I touch down in France, and am sure I will feel much more at ease, even if I am still emotionally reeling. Or at least I hope so.
Ok, now I am just rambling on about the same old, same old.
I need to stop eating. If not altogether, than surely not so much. I can't take it anymore. I know it's a horrible attitude. I know it's not healthy. And truly most of that is just in my head, not in my actions, so don't be too concerned.
Exhausted
My head is spinning.
This semester has been so incredibly busy. Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.
Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font. Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...). My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in. I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal. Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight. I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down. Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate. While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship. I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.
As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated. His life is just so. damn. complicated. Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens. Between us, everything is lovely. He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him. It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term. Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August. Yeah. With two older kids already. I know. I know. But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind. Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that. And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life. He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him. Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that. I will be very sad to leave him when I go away. It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.
People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer. The truth is, this too is complicated. Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear. Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love. I miss my Popi so so so so much. I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me. Having such a close friend die is unimaginable. The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child. And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this. I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here. I don't know. Some days I wake up and forget she is dead. I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends. It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.
On the weight front, things are in shambles. I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must. I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions. The result? I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW. I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry. It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices. He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes. I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says. My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs. This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way. I am positive that will help me slim down a bit. The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?
And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week. I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well. I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all. If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem. In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am. I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are). I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences. I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem? They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?). Merci beaucoup. Grazie mille. Muchas gracias.
Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house. Graduation. Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made. Packing and moving. Tearful goodbyes with Allan. Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move. Because I didn't have enough to do, right?
This semester has been so incredibly busy. Between my four part time jobs, internship, classes, trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with Allan, and sneaking in a few minutes here and there for running and knitting, I am spent.
Looking on the bright side, I handed in (and passed!) my final paper (essentially a mini-thesis on a health disparity, only 15 pages 1.5x spaced, size 11 font. Which is honestly not enough room to write about all of the things I needed to write about, but I digress...). My poster for my practicum presentation is off at the printer and my final quantitative paper is handed in. I said my goodbyes at my internship and finished the revisions on a paper I co-authored and sent to a journal. Even though I am still busy, at least the end is in sight. I will be so grateful, even by next week, when things really slow down. Once I pass my quantitative methods exam I will be set to graduate. While my program overall was not as challenging as I may have preferred, I know that I made the best of my coursework and experiences during my internship. I began applying for jobs in the past week and the contacts for a position I applied for in Zambia (for a research assistant on an HIV/AIDS project) already reached out to my references.
As for Allan, well, it is infinitely complicated. His life is just so. damn. complicated. Just when I think things really cannot get any more messed up, something else happens. Between us, everything is lovely. He treats me so well and I feel very comfortable around him. It is just sad that we are probably not going to work long term. Among other things, he is still officially married (separated and working toward divorce) and his wife is pregnant with his child, due in August. Yeah. With two older kids already. I know. I know. But, for the time being, I think he has helped me realize that I deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with someone who is kind. Juan treated me so poorly in the end and I thought that I could sacrifice something to make him change that. And for Allan, I see myself as a bit of light in his life. He is always caring for others and responsible for the wellbeing of so many people that I know no one ever stops to take care of him. Even if it is only for a little while that I can be his confidant and cheerleader, I am more than happy to do that. I will be very sad to leave him when I go away. It is surprisingly difficult to prepare for our separation.
People keep asking me if I am excited to go to France for the summer. The truth is, this too is complicated. Of course I am looking forward to it, and there is no doubt I will have fun. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity before I begin my career, to take three months to disappear. Yet, at the same time, I am visiting this country I so dearly love without the person in it who I most dearly love. I miss my Popi so so so so much. I think about her every day and this summer in her home, with her family, is going to be healing but challenging for me. Having such a close friend die is unimaginable. The only thing worse would be a spouse or a child. And to die in such a tragic capacity, there is no rulebook for processing this. I try to talk about her often (usually referring to her morbidly as "my friend who died") because it makes me feel like she is still here. I don't know. Some days I wake up and forget she is dead. I guess what I am trying to say is that I still have been unable to deal with this well and I need to go be with her sister and brother and parents and grandmother and friends. It is selfish, but I need to do it to be able to find some peace.
On the weight front, things are in shambles. I have made a million excuses (and have been legitimately physically exhausted and sleep deprived) for not running as regularly as I must. I continue to eat in restaurants with my boyfriend and fail to pack modest, healthy meals when I am running around in a million directions. The result? I am still ten pounds above my comfortable weight and way more than that above my UGW. I guess it is good that I have not resorted to restricting, but looking at my fat face and pudgy thighs in the mirror makes me cry. It is such a strange thing to juxtapose my internal attitudes with the ones that Allan voices. He constantly praises my for the way my body looks and clearly has an appreciation for a curvier woman (I am not really curvy, just pudgy in the wrong places) in line with predictable Latino stereotypes. I am feeling less and less confident about the way I look (which was not so confident to begin with), regardless of what he says. My friend's wedding is just two weeks away and it will be a miracle if I can even lose a pound or two given my current state of affairs. This summer I know I will be less stressed and experiencing my life in a different way. I am positive that will help me slim down a bit. The constant stress cannot be helping this situation, right?
And last, but not least, a thank you to those who weighed in on the drama from last week. I stopped reading the blog that no longer wants my presence and I wish her well. I find it odd to put all of your private business and feelings on the internet, leave the opportunity to comment open to the public, and then become irate when someone comments at all. If I understand what happened even somewhat correctly, it was not only what I said but the fact that I said anything at all that was a problem. In the end, I do not know this young woman in "real life" and I know she could care less about who I am. I value the friendships I have made through this blog, especially with a small core group of young ladies (you know who you are). I value to the perspective of this group of people who come from such diverse life experiences. I need you to ground me and steer me when I am too timid to talk to even the people who know me best (maybe that is the problem? They know me so well that I am afraid to admit certain things?). Merci beaucoup. Grazie mille. Muchas gracias.
Hopefully, I will survive the next 17 days before I move my things temporarily back to my parents' house. Graduation. Celebrations. Leaving the colleagues and friends I made. Packing and moving. Tearful goodbyes with Allan. Oh, and of course I am running a 5k on the day I move. Because I didn't have enough to do, right?
In my head?
The past few days have been the first I have had to myself in almost two months. Not that my life revolves around Allan, but I manage to give him a lot of my free time (which is not much) and have really enjoyed having someone so caring in my life. He is going to be away for two weeks with his kids, visiting his family.
The most noticeable change since he left? I feel FAT FAT FAT. I will begrudgingly admit that I am TEN pounds over my comfortable weight. Obviously, Allan keeps telling me I look perfect just the way I am. And I want to believe him. But then I went shopping yesterday to try on a dress - I still needed a very small size, but everything looked horrific. My arms, my thighs, I just do not understand. One day I feel fabulous and confident and the next I want to just run a million miles and eat carrots until I am 120 lbs (I am SO far from that number right now it makes me cry).
I just do not understand. Everyone else says I look normal, healthy, slender, pretty - and yet I just see my ever-growing chipmunk cheeks and disastrously large thighs.
Someday I am going to get out of this mindset, I swear. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that even though my mind is so warped, I have only gone through brief periods where I truly let it affect how I ate.
I have been reading Thrive and Thrive Foods by Brendan Brazier. He is a vegan ultra-marathoner/iron man triathlete and a total beast. He writes about how when he was training, even 8 hours a day, for a while he was putting on weight and could not figure out why. Long story, short, is that he was eating the wrong kinds of foods and putting extra stress on his body (which translates to cortisol, that part is not really rocket science). When he changed his diet, he had much more energy, could train longer and better, recover better, and stay at the optimal weight/muscle mass. I have been trying to adopt some of his principles - much of what I eat is already in line with his program. I think incorporating more raw foods would help though. I eat mostly cooked foods, but already stay away from wheat and refined grains (generally speaking). His diet, to me at least, is not really restrictive, but freeing, in the sense that you do not have to feel guilty about eating whatever you are eating on his regimen.
That was a detour. But a happy detour from bad-body-thoughts-land, right?
Well, I have been down-for-the-count this past week with a cold (have not run since Monday), but I need to get myself up and ready for the day. I think a quick trip to the grocery store for produce, several hours on campus doing homework, and meeting up with a friend are the little things on the agenda for today.
Sorry to be a bit of a downer. I hope you are all doing ok. It has been good to hear from some people who have been absent for a while (StickThin and Zette). And for those of you who are consistently writing, I am glad to always hear from you too.
Oh, and at least I have been knitting quite a bit! And receiving awesome packages from NJ, South Africa, Ireland, and beyond - thanks a million to my lovely ladies, you know who you are.
Where does the time go?
My it has been quite a while since I last spilled my feelings out around here. I have noticed a lot is going on with people, as usual, but I have merely been lurking silently in the background.
So what is new?
Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned. Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep. He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him. The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days. On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter. The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation. We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards. The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly. This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances, but I am glad it is working. He is truly so kind.
Enough of my gushing...
I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail. By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out. I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months. Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it. The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university. Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.
My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running. I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it. Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR. I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know). I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly. It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.
And how is everyone else doing? Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.
Just a teeny, tiny edit:
A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook. Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously... She would not be obese at a size 10. In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight. And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are. This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin. Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know? Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!
"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."
So what is new?
Well, I am still seeing that guy I mentioned. Between finding time for him, my four part-time jobs, internship, schoolwork, and running, it is a wonder I find time to sleep. He has been really great thus far, and I really enjoy spending time with him. The upside is that I am constantly filled with day-brightening chemicals surging in my neuro pathways and I rarely feel down these days. On the downside, I have not managed to lose any weight, and regardless of how many times he tells me that he thinks I am sexy or beautiful, I cannot help but wish that my clothes fit loser and I was at least 15 pounds lighter. The fact that we go out to eat on a regular basis is not helping either, but I suppose it is a good thing to not be so hung up on it that I turn down every invitation. We went on a real date-night last night, which is a feat in itself considering he has two kids, starting at a bar with my two roommates, moving to dinner, and then out to a different bar with my roommates again afterwards. The whole time he was such a gentleman, and he just looks at me so adoringly. This is the last thing I thought would come of the two of us, given all of the circumstances, but I am glad it is working. He is truly so kind.
Enough of my gushing...
I am still desperately trying to find balance in my life, to no avail. By Friday evening each week, I am just burned out. I just need to make it to May 18th, get my diploma, have my wisdom teeth taken out (yuck!), and hop on a plane for France for three months. Even though I am really tired, I think I can make it. The major obstacle is a gigantic paper and a presentation that culminates my two years at this university. Considering I have a draft of the paper due April 11th and have only just begun reading through my research, you could say I am a little nervous.
My ridiculous schedule is also leaving little time to devote to running. I have a half marathon on the 6th that I have barely trained for - fortunately, I am still in decent enough shape from last fall that I can just do it. Unfortunately, I am in no way shape or form going to PR. I am much too heavy right now (hovering right around 139-140, gross, I know). I want to be thinner for a million reasons, truly. It's amazing that I cannot maintain the resolve to look better and feel better for myself, for my athletic endeavors, and for my boyfriend even. Ugh.
And how is everyone else doing? Sorry to be so rambly and not talk about anything terribly important.
Just a teeny, tiny edit:
A childhood friend of mine posted this inflammatory remark this morning on Facebook. Mind you, she has some serious body dysmorphic disorder that I'm pretty sure she does not recognize, and I have a sneaky feeling she exhibits ED behaviors, but seriously... She would not be obese at a size 10. In fact, a size 10 in the US, even though it is on the larger side, is probably just overweight. And thanks for making me feel like a failure that I can't be as skinny as you are. This girl was always weighed a very normal weight, and in the past two years has become very thin. Knowing this makes me feel so inadequate, since if she can do it, why can't I, you know? Anyway, that was a serious detour into my psyche... enjoy!
"If I hear one more thing about how 00 condones anorexia I will punch someone. You couldn't maintain this muscle mass and starve yourself. Instead, lets focus on your size. Sure, 10 is beautiful if that's your body type and you're healthy, but if I were a 10 I would be obese. Instead of fixating on the number and holding it as a standard for EVERY body, lets not be stupid and remember that if you're, fat you're fat! Just like if you are too skinny, you're too skinny. Don't be stupid."
Catching up
I suppose a bit of time has passed since I actually posted something worthwhile and with substance.
Where did I leave off?
Well, in the past two weeks, I had a birthday (goodbye to the first quarter-century of my life), became crazy-busy with worth and school, and continued my training.
My birthday was surprisingly nice, all around. My friends and I went to dinner at a pizza place that makes gluten-free, vegan pizza, so I indulged in that and a glass of prosecco. And, in fact, I felt in control, as I had run 12 miles that morning - hard. I confused my training weeks and jumped the gun, running the 12 miles at my goal pace on the 9th instead of the 16th. Then, a few days later, I did an awesome track workout that left my sore all weekend. I skipped my long run on the basis of legitimate exhaustion, and only ran 3 miles Monday. My right achilles and hamstring are feeling funky, so yesterday was another day of rest. I tried to do my temp run this morning but did about two miles before that awful pain in my hamstring returned - I'm headed to the pool after putting in 6 solid hours of work on campus. Honestly, I have completed all of the hardest part of my training program, so now I just have to stay healthy until the marathon in 12 days (eek!)
In weight news, it is simply the same old, same old. I am at my highest "allowable" weight (i.e. the weight that makes me so uncomfortable but it still somehow within my "normal" range) and cannot wait to work as hard as I am at this marathon training to shed at least fifteen pounds. Even though it is embarrassing to admit and see 140-141 pounds every morning these days, I know when this is over, I can commit to losing. I have reached my limit. I have generally kept my promise of eschewing sugar for the month - with a brief slip up of a chocolate bar and, the horror, a donut (I just had an intense craving like none other... it wasn't even a vegan chocolate bar and there is no way in hell that donut was vegan, shame shame shame on me... so not worth it).
I am trying to focus on eating clean leading up to the marathon... I had puffed riced cereal with fruit and unsweetened soy milk for breakfast, a clif-bar and apple are on the lunch schedule, and I may skip dinner if I am not hungry after swimming. In between I have nuun to rehydrate and maté tea (by the way, I buy the nuun in a pack of 8 on drugstore.com when they offer coupons/free shipping - it equals out to $0.35 a tablet, and I usually make mine with 32oz of water... seems expensive initially, but much cheaper than gatorade, and with no sugar). I have to do a bunch of schoolwork tonight and try to get to bed at a decent hour, with hopes that I can run in the morning.
This is getting rambly now, but did I mention that Juan and I are "officially" back together - as per his declaration? I am still being quite cautious, as he did not behave in an exemplary fashion in the first half of the year. He seems to be sincere though and should be visiting again in the first two weeks of October. After that, I will consider letting my parents know.
My knitting has taken a backseat to schoolwork now, but I managed to finish a section for a blanket (A co-worker of mine's mother died of cancer last week. She was only in hospice for about a month and was quite young. Everyone at the shop where I work knitted a long strip and the strips are being pieced together into a blanket.) My second sock for my grammie (whose birthday was the 4th, so it is a bit belated) is about two-thirds complete. Next, I must work on my brother's fiancée's wrap for their wedding on November 10th. After that, I can spend a little time knitting for me and working on Christmas gifts as the weather gets cold.
I hope everyone is having a good week so far. Sorry for being a total slacker with commenting. I've been keeping up on Lulu's work escapades, Ruby's detox, Eloise's preparation for returning to school, Peri's bit of drama, Mich's new kitten, not to mention AnnaMaria, Lottie, Piggy, Belle, S., Avy, A Quiet Battle, and Ophelia... not to mention about a dozen other blogs. I want to give everyone huge hugs from the bottom of my heart. You ladies are irreplaceable.
Time to go to school... six hours of data entry and statistics!
125, you seem so far away...
I am trying to focus on eating clean leading up to the marathon... I had puffed riced cereal with fruit and unsweetened soy milk for breakfast, a clif-bar and apple are on the lunch schedule, and I may skip dinner if I am not hungry after swimming. In between I have nuun to rehydrate and maté tea (by the way, I buy the nuun in a pack of 8 on drugstore.com when they offer coupons/free shipping - it equals out to $0.35 a tablet, and I usually make mine with 32oz of water... seems expensive initially, but much cheaper than gatorade, and with no sugar). I have to do a bunch of schoolwork tonight and try to get to bed at a decent hour, with hopes that I can run in the morning.
This is getting rambly now, but did I mention that Juan and I are "officially" back together - as per his declaration? I am still being quite cautious, as he did not behave in an exemplary fashion in the first half of the year. He seems to be sincere though and should be visiting again in the first two weeks of October. After that, I will consider letting my parents know.
My knitting has taken a backseat to schoolwork now, but I managed to finish a section for a blanket (A co-worker of mine's mother died of cancer last week. She was only in hospice for about a month and was quite young. Everyone at the shop where I work knitted a long strip and the strips are being pieced together into a blanket.) My second sock for my grammie (whose birthday was the 4th, so it is a bit belated) is about two-thirds complete. Next, I must work on my brother's fiancée's wrap for their wedding on November 10th. After that, I can spend a little time knitting for me and working on Christmas gifts as the weather gets cold.
I hope everyone is having a good week so far. Sorry for being a total slacker with commenting. I've been keeping up on Lulu's work escapades, Ruby's detox, Eloise's preparation for returning to school, Peri's bit of drama, Mich's new kitten, not to mention AnnaMaria, Lottie, Piggy, Belle, S., Avy, A Quiet Battle, and Ophelia... not to mention about a dozen other blogs. I want to give everyone huge hugs from the bottom of my heart. You ladies are irreplaceable.
Time to go to school... six hours of data entry and statistics!
125, you seem so far away...
Same old, same old
My tendinitis has completely subsided, thank goodness. I put in 12 solid miles yesterday, and my coach adjusted my schedule for the remaining weeks. I was supposed to run 6 this morning with 10 strides at the end, but I did not fall asleep until midnight or so, so waking up at six this morning was not working. I have to work until seven tonight, but I will go when I get home from work. It actually works out, because I have to do 9 tomorrow, and have a conference call at 8:30 - meaning, I would have to be up quite early in order to run, shower and get ready for work, and be ready by 8:30 and off to work by 9:30.
That is about the only thing I am feeling good about right now. I am SO incredibly discouraged about my weight. I know I am a total broken record, but I think the pressure is finally building enough (especially with the beginning of the new school year looming right around the corner) that I will do something about it. I had a very light breakfast of a little yogurt and melon this morning, and am packing rice with zucchini/edamame/red peppers, a sweet potato, kiwi, and plums for the rest of the day while I am out. I do not have to move around much at my afternoon job, so I am sure I will have enough energy. When I get home from work, I will have a quick snack of a few almonds, and then set out on my run. As long as I stay hydrated and have a bit of caffeine, I should be fine. If I continue with that every day, I should be able to lose a bit this week and for the rest of the time before the marathon. Even with the protein smoothies I have been drinking on long run days, I should still be able to lose. I need to lose. I am at an embarrassing weight just on the cusp of my absolute limit. Does anyone know a magic trick that would allow me to lose fifteen pounds overnight????
Last week was a trying week with Juan (again, broken record much?) - I had it out with him on Wednesday, which I absolutely hate. He just has been wavering between treating me like his girlfriend and ignoring me, and I finally decided to try and get him to pick one or the other. I am glad I said all the things I said, but I hate getting so upset and exasperated. In the days following, he has been the kind of guy I know he can be. I feel better about it, in general, but he has still managed to avoid just making a choice. I will give it a few more days, ask again, and see what happens. I get the impression that he does want to be together again, honestly, but I do not want him to just slip back into it. I want him to tell me that this is his choice and that he will commit to this. Under normal circumstances, it might be fine for two people to come together organically and without titles and official conversations, but as most of you know, he needs to regain my trust and make a true commitment to me.
Ah, I am going to be late for babysitting... not sure I have too much to say anyway. If you have not popped over to Peri's blog, she made a hilarious video where she opened the package I sent. You can see the adorable kiwi if you watch it.
Thank you all, immensely, from the bottom of my little heart, for reading and listening and giving me encouragement and love. What would we do without each other?
That is about the only thing I am feeling good about right now. I am SO incredibly discouraged about my weight. I know I am a total broken record, but I think the pressure is finally building enough (especially with the beginning of the new school year looming right around the corner) that I will do something about it. I had a very light breakfast of a little yogurt and melon this morning, and am packing rice with zucchini/edamame/red peppers, a sweet potato, kiwi, and plums for the rest of the day while I am out. I do not have to move around much at my afternoon job, so I am sure I will have enough energy. When I get home from work, I will have a quick snack of a few almonds, and then set out on my run. As long as I stay hydrated and have a bit of caffeine, I should be fine. If I continue with that every day, I should be able to lose a bit this week and for the rest of the time before the marathon. Even with the protein smoothies I have been drinking on long run days, I should still be able to lose. I need to lose. I am at an embarrassing weight just on the cusp of my absolute limit. Does anyone know a magic trick that would allow me to lose fifteen pounds overnight????
Last week was a trying week with Juan (again, broken record much?) - I had it out with him on Wednesday, which I absolutely hate. He just has been wavering between treating me like his girlfriend and ignoring me, and I finally decided to try and get him to pick one or the other. I am glad I said all the things I said, but I hate getting so upset and exasperated. In the days following, he has been the kind of guy I know he can be. I feel better about it, in general, but he has still managed to avoid just making a choice. I will give it a few more days, ask again, and see what happens. I get the impression that he does want to be together again, honestly, but I do not want him to just slip back into it. I want him to tell me that this is his choice and that he will commit to this. Under normal circumstances, it might be fine for two people to come together organically and without titles and official conversations, but as most of you know, he needs to regain my trust and make a true commitment to me.
Ah, I am going to be late for babysitting... not sure I have too much to say anyway. If you have not popped over to Peri's blog, she made a hilarious video where she opened the package I sent. You can see the adorable kiwi if you watch it.
Thank you all, immensely, from the bottom of my little heart, for reading and listening and giving me encouragement and love. What would we do without each other?
Marathon Week 2
I apologize for only getting around to posting tonight. Honestly, I have been working a lot, between my four jobs, and have just been very tired since adding in this crazy running regimen.
Today, I woke up around four-thirty and was out the door by five in order to get in my fourteen miles. This is the furthest I have ever run in my life, seeing as prior to today, the longest run I had completed was my half-marathon last September (13.1 miles). I was very nervous about having enough water, my knees hurting, being alone for all that time, and a million other things, but honestly, it was great. I was a bit slow for the first five miles, and between five and seven, I had terrible stomach cramps. Then, I saw my turn-around point, and felt so relieved! I ate my gel, took a big drink of water, and actually picked up the pace for the second half of the run, managing to finish in 2:11:34, which is pretty respectable, I think. I went to bed after taking my shower, and slept another four hours. Amazingly, I have not felt guilty about eating in the slightest today (that run burned approximately 1300 calories), so hopefully tomorrow I will not have gained.
Other than running, I am making progress on a sweater I am knitting. I am excited to be finished and wear it. It's a little yellow blouse-type sweater. Maybe I'll get some photos when I finish it. I have some other projects I need to work on, including something I promised Peri ages ago, and something for Jeanne, since she sent my adorable slippers and mitts once-upon-a-time.
Unfortunately, even though the week was very busy, I did not manage to escape unscathed from some more bad news. This week, my mom was diagnosed with MS. Truly, my knowledge of MS is limited, and I think I am in denial about it. They originally thought she might have a tumor deep inside her brain, which would have been inoperable, so in comparison to that, it seems like a blessing. But, I know that while people with MS typically live quite healthily most of the time, when they get sick and sicker, it can be terrible. I am not entirely sure how to handle it, but I am going home to my parents' house on the 26th and am just looking forward to hugging my mom. I need to read up about dietary changes and alternative therapies so we can have all sorts of tools in our arsenal.
Even with all of this training, I am feeling much too heavy. I don't think I have gained "real" weight, but perhaps a combination of my muscles being sore and retaining water, gaining muscle mass, and trying to stay hydrated is leaving my around 137 each morning. I just wish, wish, wish I could wake up and see 127. I know it obvious involves a lot of hard work and dedication to lose weight, and I am capable of it, but it seems not to happen. I never thought, after this winter, that I would be this heavy again.
Thank you to everyone who left me such sweet comments on my last few posts. I really appreciate all of your kind words, encouragement, and support.
Oh, I meant to share this before I hit publish, I wish I felt this way and believed these things - a truly beautiful message:
Today, I woke up around four-thirty and was out the door by five in order to get in my fourteen miles. This is the furthest I have ever run in my life, seeing as prior to today, the longest run I had completed was my half-marathon last September (13.1 miles). I was very nervous about having enough water, my knees hurting, being alone for all that time, and a million other things, but honestly, it was great. I was a bit slow for the first five miles, and between five and seven, I had terrible stomach cramps. Then, I saw my turn-around point, and felt so relieved! I ate my gel, took a big drink of water, and actually picked up the pace for the second half of the run, managing to finish in 2:11:34, which is pretty respectable, I think. I went to bed after taking my shower, and slept another four hours. Amazingly, I have not felt guilty about eating in the slightest today (that run burned approximately 1300 calories), so hopefully tomorrow I will not have gained.
Other than running, I am making progress on a sweater I am knitting. I am excited to be finished and wear it. It's a little yellow blouse-type sweater. Maybe I'll get some photos when I finish it. I have some other projects I need to work on, including something I promised Peri ages ago, and something for Jeanne, since she sent my adorable slippers and mitts once-upon-a-time.
Unfortunately, even though the week was very busy, I did not manage to escape unscathed from some more bad news. This week, my mom was diagnosed with MS. Truly, my knowledge of MS is limited, and I think I am in denial about it. They originally thought she might have a tumor deep inside her brain, which would have been inoperable, so in comparison to that, it seems like a blessing. But, I know that while people with MS typically live quite healthily most of the time, when they get sick and sicker, it can be terrible. I am not entirely sure how to handle it, but I am going home to my parents' house on the 26th and am just looking forward to hugging my mom. I need to read up about dietary changes and alternative therapies so we can have all sorts of tools in our arsenal.
Even with all of this training, I am feeling much too heavy. I don't think I have gained "real" weight, but perhaps a combination of my muscles being sore and retaining water, gaining muscle mass, and trying to stay hydrated is leaving my around 137 each morning. I just wish, wish, wish I could wake up and see 127. I know it obvious involves a lot of hard work and dedication to lose weight, and I am capable of it, but it seems not to happen. I never thought, after this winter, that I would be this heavy again.
Thank you to everyone who left me such sweet comments on my last few posts. I really appreciate all of your kind words, encouragement, and support.
Oh, I meant to share this before I hit publish, I wish I felt this way and believed these things - a truly beautiful message:
Finally, a decent explanation
Time for the full story...
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
So last Monday, it was clear that Juan was actually on a plane, and actually coming to see me. I was on-edge all day, but I went for a run in the morning, put on a pretty dress, babysat, drank lots of coffee, put in a few hours at the law firm, and headed to the airport to get him around six in the evening. When I was standing at the airport, I wavered between excitement, nervousness/nausea, and wanting to run away. Honestly, I must have been an awful shade of pale green when he finally laid eyes on me, because I honestly felt like I would pass out.
The rest of the week was surprisingly easy, fun, and peaceful. I had cooked all weekend in preparation, so we had tamales and other treats. I tried my best to stay under control, but I also try to act normal around Juan - this results in a 3-4 pound gain every time we have a visit.
We did a lot of sight seeing, walking, restaurant dining, wine drinking, and making love over the next four days. We celebrated his birthday with sushi. We had a dance party in my apartment.
I told him he needed to talk about his feelings. He said he came to see if things between us were truly different when we were in the same place, and confirmed that they definitely are. I suppose he needs to decide if he can work at this long-distance love for another 11 months until I graduate. I have already waited so long, that honestly, I am fine with waiting some more. It seems like he is leaning toward trying to put us back together. I know that being a couple is hard for him - he is fiercely independent, unlike me. But I also know that regardless of what he says, he can never truly let me go and I am quite certain he has not stopped loving me (though he is unaware of this fact) just as I have not stopped loving him.
Hopefully, we will just continue to repair and rebuild things and continue on. He is fully aware that I would never move to California without us being married, so he has to deal with some serious commitment issues. And its not like I do not have any improvements to make. I need to demand a bit less of the things that are not in his nature, and learn to just relax.
In other news, my weekend, after tearfully saying goodbye at the airport, was entirely too dramatic. I have not dealt with nonsense of this variety since I was probably 14.
Last summer, a friend of mine who I have known for a few years, asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this July. I excitedly accepted and have tried to fill my bridesmaid role to the best of my ability. As most of you know, 2012 has literally been the worst year of my life - Juan broke up with me, school and work combined were becoming a bit much, my school funding was completely messed up, and then my dearest friend went missing at the end of April (she has still not returned, please keep praying). As a result, I will fully admit that I have not been at my friend's side for all of the details of this wedding. I was home a few weeks before the shower in May, and organized a lovely group gift with my two best girlfriends from home (one of whom is the maid of honor). Pauline went missing, and I decided I honestly could not go to the shower. I was an emotional wreck and wanted to be prepared to leave the country on short notice. At this point, I was barely speaking to anyone, and I sent the bride a text message with my regrets (she full-well knew what was going on). Fast-forward a few days, and she called me to confront me about not telling her that I was not attending via telephone. She said she was very hurt and that everyone she mentioned it to agreed with her. As you can imagine, I thought she was totally out of line and completely un-empathetic to my life, but I apologized and swallowed my pride. I even sent her a note in the mail to smooth things over and everything seemed great.
A few weeks after that, I start hearing buzz about the bachelorette party. Originally, we had talked about a spa day at her hour, with plans to hire a masseuse and someone to do pedicures, as well as cook lovely food and provide plenty of bubbly - a nice, low-key affair. Well, one of the other four bridesmaids (a friend of the bride's from boarding school) suggested a weekend of wine tasting. Essentially, this bachelorette weekend has turned into an expensive, couples thing. She and her fiancé are attending, as are her parents, and in total, 15 people. While I would love to go, in all, between driving up to NJ, then to NY, two nights in a hotel, wine tastings, food all weekend, and missing work, I estimate the weekend would cost me near $500-$600. Clearly, for someone living on student loans, this is not possible. Weeks ago, the last time I was home, I let the bride know I would not be able to attend. She was disappointed, but said she understood.
About two weeks ago, I found out that the bride has mentioned to her boarding-school friend, who had told the maid of honor, that she was disappointed that she received no lingerie at her shower. My first thought was that this was kind of petty and ungrateful, considering she had a very fancy shower and I am quite certain she received all sorts of lovely gifts. Whatever, I thought, I'll try and organize something. Meanwhile, I purchased two nice bottles of Sofia Coppola sparkling wine to send up to the bachelorette weekend as a surprise, in an attempt to make up for my absence. Early the week before Juan arrived, I emailed the other bridesmaids saying that I had seen some really nice pieces on a website that I liked and there was a coupon available - would everyone like to pitch in so we could afford something quite nice? Here are the emails that ensued between me and the boarding school girl...
"I heard we were thinking about getting some lingerie for K as a gift for the bachelorette party. One of the blogs I read, has a coupon good through this weekend for Eberjey. Their lingerie is really beautiful in person and VERY soft (I've seen it at Anthro). I was thinking these might be good options, and with 20% and between the four of us, very reasonably priced:
http://www.eberjey.com/intimate/chemises/gisele-chemise.html
Any thoughts?
Oh, and since I am unfortunately unable to come to the bachelorette weekend, I got a little something to send along - two bottles of the Sofia Coppola sparkling wine for you all to share with Miss K while you're away! It's the least I could do, and I'll give them to Danielle this weekend.
-Sarah"
"Sounds good, but in the past, girls tend to each bring their own piece for the bride instead of just one. That way she has a good variety for the honeymoon."
"Maybe I'm mis-informed, but from the bachelorette parities I've been to, no serious gifts were ever given. From what I've read and attended, gifts at bachelorette parities are typically of the "gag" variety and are more for novelty and giggles than serious, luxurious gifts. Does anyone know if this is typically not the case? Maybe I just don't know.
I obviously want this to be a special time for K, but it seems like we are giving a lot of gifts (engagement, shower, bachelorette party, wedding). Which, when added to the expenses of actually being in the wedding (which as a bridesmaid, I was fully prepared for, and understand completely) it seems to be a lot. If everyone doesn't want to get something as a group, then I guess we should leave it up to individuals to decide whether or not they want to purchase a piece of lingerie and not make this feel obligatory.
I feel curmudgeonly bringing this up, but I think this concern needs to be voiced."
"Everything is personal preference. For me, K is an amazing friend who goes above and beyond to make every one of my wedding events special. She has mentioned to me more than once that she hasn't gotten any lingerie pieces, so I personally am going to make sure she gets more than one piece.
I personally don't see it as a hardship to do something for K that I know she'd do for me. Is it expensive? Sure. Does it make spending tight? Of course it does. But is seeing the joy on her face worth it? 100%. If you can't do it, then don't, but frankly you haven't been around much to hear what she's been looking for and would appreciate. So yeah, you're bringing up a point but missing the idea that it doesn't have to cost a million. Walmart, Target, Macys, etc... all have very affordable and beautiful items for lingerie. Doesn't have to be La Perla to be wonderful."
"Of course I want to do special things for K, she is a great friend to me and I want her to be very happy. Yes, I am not home much, I am in school and working full time, as well as having some serious personal issues in my life that haven't allowed me to travel. Beyond that I am living on student loans, which makes spending more than "tight" and I have a hard time gauging what exactly K is expecting from us, because she doesn't usually come off as a Target kind of girl. Not that that is a bad thing, I just know that she likes nice things and I don't want her to be disappointed with something she thinks isn't nice or that we didn't try hard enough (that's not very articulate, but I hope you get the point). So for me, sharing the cost of something is the most doable way to do it. In understand if other people don't want to do that.
Maybe I just find all of the ins-and-outs of weddings/etiquette/traditions very confusing and complicated?
So to wrap this up, I guess, its up to everyone to decide what they'd like to do, we don't have to go in on a group gift."
"I'm pretty sure at the bridal shower you were the one to tell me a group gift was not necessary. So I'm sorry for my confusion and lack of understanding now. There are plenty of cost effective places to buy lingerie and I'm sure K wouldn't be disappointed with anything that came with effort and heart.
Just an FYI, Macy's has some beautiful things that are in the $30-50 range. Not expensive at all but beautiful and they have weekly promotions for 20% off in addition to the sale. "
Ok, so that seems relatively tame, no? I was frank, but not rude, and I don't think I said anything bad about the bride, who is my friend.
On Friday night, I was supposed to get together with the bride, and two best girlfriends (one of whom is the maid of honor). The bride canceled out plans, so the rest of us planned to get together on Saturday morning instead. I meet my friends at the coffee shop, and give the maid of honor the sparkling wine and ask her if she has my dress. She proceeds to tell me (very gently, seeing as she is one of the kindest people in the world) that I have been booted from the wedding party. Initially, it is because K needs a bridesmaid who is more "present" (whatever that means). I am obviously very hurt, especially that a. the bride did not bother to deliver this news herself, and b. she did not even try to discuss it with me, or frame it in a kind way.
Needless to say, I come to find out through the maid of honor (God bless her wonderful heart), that K initially wanted her mother (a scary lady!) to deliver the news AND the real reason is because the boarding school friend showed her some kind of edited version of those emails! I gather she wanted to keep the present a surprise, so she must have showed all of the worse parts out of context and completely sabotaged me. I did not think that people in their mid-twenties had the capacity to act like this! I do not even know this girl, and while I have not been the most serving bridesmaid, why would she want to do such a thing? Furthermore, I STILL have not heard a thing from the bride, now five days later.
I am giving her until the RSVP date to try and contact me. Otherwise, I will decline the invitation, write a letter to explain myself and defend my character, and end our friendship. I know all of this terrible chatter about how awful I am is going on behind my back, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to wait until she decides to talk to me. And, I can just imagine that she is expecting me to grovel to her and apologize and beg to be in the wedding. The whole thing just makes me crazy! I was trying to organize a beautiful gift for her, how is that interpreted as being a bad person???
Anyway, bravo if you bothered to read all of that dramatic nonsense. I hope some resolution develops soon, because I hate being stressed over this.
As for my weight, I was just under 137 this morning - horrific. I am not more determined than ever, to get back down under 130, because if I end up attending this wedding, I need to be in top form. Under 125 would be preferable, but it is only four weeks away. I am going to begin my marathon training the first of July, however, and the heat makes my appetite disappear. Plus, my mother has been harping about how she thinks I spend too much money on food (in my defense, I bought a ton of groceries for Juan, and food here is just more expensive than back home). In all, I have a bunch of reasons not to eat.
I hope everyone else is having a much easier time, though I know the troubles in my life are pretty frivolous.
Really?
Finally my weight is going in the right direction.
As promised, I went for a run to support Isobel yesterday.
132.8 this morning, I guess skipping a few meals pays off sometimes.
122.8 would be so much better.
I received some VERY bad news about my school funding this week - not really sure what to do. It's really the last thing I needed right now. When I finally get my head wrapped around some sort of plan, I promise to write about it. If I was over the edge the other day when I posted, I think I just fell off the cliff.
I have lunch with a friend scheduled for today, but I picked the place and they have a ton of great salads, which is the only food I never feel guilty about eating. I had a two slices of rice toast (well, one slice and the nub of the loaf) for breakfast and now I am sipping my coffee. Lunch will be salad, then I plan to make more coffee and let that get me through the evening. When I get home from work at five, I am going to squeeze in a run before I go to class at 7:20.
I want to put my life on pause for a while. I cannot handle all of this right now.
The best thing in my life is that working at the yarn shop, I can get a lot of knitting done, and I am finished with the front, back, and half of the sleeves for a sweater. I then have a ton of other things on my queue... including some treats to send overseas to South Africa and New Zealand (you know who you are!)... Northern hemisphere-ers, you can wait a few months.
Anyone want to send me money for a plane ticket so I can just drop my life for a while and come visit you? Oh, and that would also include you adopting me temporarily, at least...
And of course, in my infinite wisdom, I texted Juan on Monday when I heard my bad news. I hate this. I miss him so much.
As promised, I went for a run to support Isobel yesterday.
132.8 this morning, I guess skipping a few meals pays off sometimes.
122.8 would be so much better.
I received some VERY bad news about my school funding this week - not really sure what to do. It's really the last thing I needed right now. When I finally get my head wrapped around some sort of plan, I promise to write about it. If I was over the edge the other day when I posted, I think I just fell off the cliff.
I have lunch with a friend scheduled for today, but I picked the place and they have a ton of great salads, which is the only food I never feel guilty about eating. I had a two slices of rice toast (well, one slice and the nub of the loaf) for breakfast and now I am sipping my coffee. Lunch will be salad, then I plan to make more coffee and let that get me through the evening. When I get home from work at five, I am going to squeeze in a run before I go to class at 7:20.
I want to put my life on pause for a while. I cannot handle all of this right now.
The best thing in my life is that working at the yarn shop, I can get a lot of knitting done, and I am finished with the front, back, and half of the sleeves for a sweater. I then have a ton of other things on my queue... including some treats to send overseas to South Africa and New Zealand (you know who you are!)... Northern hemisphere-ers, you can wait a few months.
Anyone want to send me money for a plane ticket so I can just drop my life for a while and come visit you? Oh, and that would also include you adopting me temporarily, at least...
And of course, in my infinite wisdom, I texted Juan on Monday when I heard my bad news. I hate this. I miss him so much.
Drained
This week has pushed me to the brink.
I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend. I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall. But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.
First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend. Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house. The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day. Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting. Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it. I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise. I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)
Next, the end of the school year is gearing up. I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into. In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do. That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship. I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients. Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.
I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances. Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year. Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise. The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned. Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.
And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January. Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes. Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore. He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on." The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive. I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him. That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to. You do not choose who you love, your heart does. I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him. I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc. All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on. I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do. So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted. He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore. I wish he could have just said that from the get-go. Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.
It feels like we just broke up all over again. My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back. I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier. In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more. I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it. I do not have anyone. I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame. I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.
Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week. I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable. I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon. That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day. I might try the same tactic tomorrow. Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too). My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then. I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks. The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.
My apologies for disappearing for a little while. I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.
I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend. If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you. If you manage to comment, you're even more special!
Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.
I went home to visit my friends and family last weekend. I felt great, ran 12 miles on Saturday and had a nice time overall. But, even with that mini vacation, a pile of stress just keeps getting bigger.
First, I let my friend who is getting married this summer (I am a bridesmaid) that I am unable to afford to go to her bachelorette weekend. Initially, her party was going to be a laid-back spa day at her house. The maid of honor and I were going to cook tasty food, serve champagne cocktails, and hire a masseuse and manicurist to come for the day. Sometime in the past few months, the bride completely changed her mind and arranged a weekend in the finger lakes of NY to go wine tasting. Obviously, this sounds divine, but between driving up and back to our home in NJ, the van to NY, the hotel, the wineries (and I suppose pitching in for my friend's accommodations), and missing two to three days of work here... I just cannot do it. I was terrified to tell her, but I stuck to my principles and did not allow her to persuade me otherwise. I would love to go and I feel bad, but it's just not possible for me. (I cannot even stay at the hotel where she is getting married in July, because the place is so extravagant!)
Next, the end of the school year is gearing up. I did not run a single day this week because I have either been at work, in class, or trying to dig myself out from this giant hole of schoolwork that I managed to fall into. In the next three weeks, I have three exams, an article review, policy analysis, outbreak plan, health intervention proposal, case-series proposal, and a finally presentation to do. That is my normal schoolwork, and in addition to that, I have data collection, writing, and number crunching for my assistantship. I was up until two in the morning last night writing my case-series proposal on nosocomial sepsis in neonatal patients. Hopefully, I will finish that by this afternoon, then get started on my article review and outbreak plan.
I am also kind of nervous about next year's finances. Through me department, I have a research assistantship which pays just enough to cover my rent for the year. Then, they were able to give me an out-of-state tuition waiver (for those of you not familiar with our system in the US, we have state schools that are public, but if you are not an official resident of that state, you pay a much higher tuition cost) that allows me to borrow about half of what it would cost me otherwise. The budget is really tight throughout the university this year, so I am extremely nervous about them not granting my out of state waiver and having to borrow double what I have planned. Being thousands of dollars in student debt makes me incredibly anxious, even if it will be ultimately worth it.
And the last two things I need to unload... Juan and I had been continuing to talk ever since we broke up in January. Things were strained and weird, but occasionally we would have some really good days and flirt and even Skype sometimes. Well, this week, he told me he does not want us to talk anymore. He initially took the position that he thought it would be better for me so that I could "move on." The truth is, I find the entire notion of him dictating such a thing, deciding what is best for me after breaking my heart, and even implying that I can just "move on" incredibly offensive. I have loved him from the bottom of my heart from practically the day that I met him. That does not disappear merely because it has to or he or I wants it to. You do not choose who you love, your heart does. I dedicated so much love and energy to him and I know that my heart was made to love him. I mapped out the next few years of my life, between my next year, him moving, us moving to California, getting married, etc. All of my future involved him, us as a couple - that does not just go away because you think it is time to move on. I do not even know if I want to stop loving him, to be honest, because even though it is painful, I know it is what my heart is meant to do. So, after some heavy tears and me venting a bit at him, I managed to ask him if us not speaking was really what he thought was best, or was it what he wanted. He told me something along the lines of him not having responsibility or obligation to care for me anymore, and I cannot be texting him multiple times a day and whatever... what that really means is that he does not WANT me to speak to him anymore. I wish he could have just said that from the get-go. Its truly awful, but I have no grounds to argue with him and I am forced to honor his wishes.
It feels like we just broke up all over again. My heart is so hurt and all I want to do is get on a plane to California and beg him to change his mind and take it all back. I have done some seriously thinking in the past three months, and it has not gotten even a bit easier. In fact, I am certain that I love him just as much and miss him even more. I have, however, come to grips with the fact that if I do not have Juan in my life, then that is it. I do not have anyone. I was given my shot at this, and it did not work out, regardless of who is to blame. I know that sounds INSANELY dramatic coming from someone who is not even 25 years old.
Enough of that sappy nonsense... as I mentioned, I have not run since last Saturday and I have been eating a horribly disgusting amount of food this week. I am somewhere around 134-135, which is unacceptable. I ate breakfast this morning, but for lunch I am going to go out for iced coffee to power me through the afternoon. That usually takes away my appetite for the rest of the day. I might try the same tactic tomorrow. Sometime later today, I would like to take a study break and go for a run, but I think it is going to rain (tomorrow's forecast is rainy too). My friend's wedding is the last week of July. My goal is to be 125 by then. I think it will actually look slightly dramatic on my frame, since people are used to my chubby cheeks. The stress and busyness of the next few weeks should help get my back down to 130 and then I can focus on running a lot more when school is out.
My apologies for disappearing for a little while. I have been keeping up with most everyone's blogs, but I have some commenting to do.
I hope everyone has lovely, stress-free plans for the weekend. If you bothered to read this entire thing, bravo, I thank you. If you manage to comment, you're even more special!
Oh, and Miranda and Peri, I can't comment on your blogs right now, not sure if it has to to with any of the blogger updates... but I <3 you both.
Moi
- désespérée de maigrir
- I hate: my weight. I love: being a vegetarian, France, tulips & poppies, anything by Paul Coehlo, baby animals, gin, knitting, dresses, kirs, cake decorating, Johnny Swim & Matt Nathanson, running, Casablanca, my best friends and family, and an amazing French man who makes everything in this world so much easier to take on
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