The world is upside down

When I last posted in July, I was going on and on about postpartum life. I hardly remember if I had ever even mentioned the fact that my mom was ill.

In November 2017, my mom discovered that she had cholangeocarcinoma (bile duct cancer). The nature of this cancer is that it is always terminal. It's just a question of when.

Well, after a little less than two years of horrendous chemotherapy, another cross-country move, and then months loving on her first and only grandbaby, my mom died... two weeks to the day after we had our "last hurrah" trip to Paris together.

My mom wasn't perfect, but all in all, we had a great relationship. Even though my dad is left behind, I feel orphaned.

This huge thing happened, but the world literally keeps on turning and you have no choice but to go through the motions and continue.

I'm not sure what else to say other than I am incredibly sad and hurting. And even though I choose to believe she is in a better afterlife, I wish people would stop telling me "she's in a better place." Yes, I agree in principle, but I still want her here... with me... you know?

Some recent thoughts

My post-partum body is something I'm struggling to understand. I actually enjoyed being pregnant, for the most part. It wasnt until the end where I was truly uncomfortable and tired of not being able to tie my l shoes or take a deep breath. The tension between rapidly gaining approximately 40 😳 pounds and incubating a precious human, all the while being told by the midwives not too put on too much weight, resulted in a ton of internal turmoil and guilt. But then, in the end, after a traumatic birth, I finally held my tiny baby in my arms and that guilt melted away... for a while.

While I was breastfeeding (December until June), the weight came off easily in the beginning and then sort of stalled. I tried not to feel to guilty about it. But now, about a month after I stopped, I know I will never get down to my pre-pregnancy weight if I do not take some drastic action. In France, where my husband is from, there is an expectation to be back to your old (skinny) self in just three months. I'm now going on 8 months and still have 12 pounds to go to what I weighed before Jane was born, and my true (realistic) goal is a BMI of 20-21 (130-134) pounds, which seems miles and miles away... sidenote, yes yes yes I know BMI is flawed and terrible and not meant for individuals, but it's a frame of reference nevertheless...

I am trying my damndest not to pass on any of these absurd neuroses and weight obsessions to Jane. That means I my "drastic" measures still need to be tempered and stealthy. I've started by cutting the vast majority of snacks, reducing my breakfast and lunch portions, drinking a ton more daytime coffee, and eschewing alcohol unless I'm in a social situation. Gosh it would be so much easier if I lived alone, though I suppose I would have never been pregnant to begin with if that were the case... and when I was alone, the last time I was skinny was in 2012... annnnnyway... the last major component is adding back some exercise.

I worked out at my local gym (HIIT classes) until I was 36 weeks and couldn't move about so easily. With my work schedule, wanting to are my husband, and navigating the baby's needs and childcare, I haven't been able to make time for the gym. I mean, I could, but it would basically mean seeing Jane for an hour a day. As it is now, she gets up between 6:30-7, I get up at 6:15, get ready and leave by 7:50 (so that's about an hour with me running around and us going on a short morning walk). My husband works from.home and has her all day. At the earliest, I get home at 5:10 and then she is asleep by 7:30. If I went to the gym, I'd be home at 6:45. Its doable, but unfair to my husband and to Jane.

My new running shoes just arrived last week, and now that the heatwave is over, I am ready to take them out for a spin. Bless my husband, who tried to gently "shame" me when I didnt get out of bed and go running this morning. I know he means well. So tomorrow, I just have to do it. If I could just manage for a few days, I'm sure I could make a habit of it.

So that's that.

How and where is everyone? I'm having a hard time replying to comments or commenting on blogs from my phone. I have multiple Google "identities" and can't seem to be able to get the browser to stick with the one I use for this blog. So thanks to those of you who commented on my last post.

I would love to know where some of my old blog friends are... Ruby, Mich, Miranda, Peri, Eloise, Sam Lupin, Lulu, Bella, Aye Ell, & Avy...

I guess it's been a while...

Hi, is anyone still out there?

So much has changed since my last post in 2016.  To make a long story incredibly short, I am now a mother to a sweet seven-month-old girl and my.own mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My little Jane is the most precious, wonderful baby. I know the trope is that every mom feels "so lucky to be *insert baby's name here*'s mother"... but honestly, it fills me with wonder.  As for my mom, we are just taking it day-by-day, because what else can you do?

But of course, back to our regularly scheduled programming... I obviously gained quite a bit during the pregnancy. It honestly did not freak me out that much, since I knew if was for a good cause and that clearly it would come off afterwards. Except, now more than seven months later, I am still 13 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant, and *GULP* 30 pounds more than even my most unambitious goal.

Now that I am finished breast-feeding, I've decided it is time to get serious. I've generally been trying to reduce my calorie intake... replacing a meal or snack here with a cup of  coffee there. I currently have no time for the gym with working/mom life, but I just got a new pair of running shoes. As soon as this horrific heatwave is finished (I'm looking at you, 95 degrees with 80% humidity!) I have to start sacrificing sleep for miles.

I wish I knew a better way, but old habits die hard.

I know, I know

It's been ages... but I think it's a good thing, to be honest.

I just feel pretty great overall.  I don't feel the need to obsessively restrict or hate on my body nearly as often as I had in the past, oh, almost ten years.  On the flip side, I am consistently the heaviest I have ever been, but so much of me is tired of caring.  It's exhausting to be pre-occupied in that way.

That being said, at the slightest hint of serious stress or conflict, my mind immediately races to restriction and fixates on my thighs.

One of my colleagues started dieting earlier this year.  It's been three months so far and she has lost fifteen pounds.  She just needs a modest diet with no sweets or excess sugar during the week.  On the weekends, she allows herself to drink a bit of wine and eat some dessert if she wants.  Like me, she just has to be a bit strict in order to maintain a healthy weight.  She doesn't find it constricting, it's just a lifestyle shift.  I feel like I can do that.  I suppose that is how weight loss is supposed to work in the first place... all of the disordered behaviors and fad diets never really support a healthy life anyway... I know I am preaching to the choir here.

And in other life news, my husband and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary and we managed to buy the cutest little house.  It is small, but it is ours, and we are truly enjoying transforming it into our home.

So that is about it.  I will continue to post from time to time, since I think there might just be a few stragglers out there who care enough to pop in and check this blog. I am even trying to limit myself in reading blogs in this community these days because I feel like they trigger me... but then I am so attached to the bunch of you that I really cannot abandon the community altogether.  Usually, when I read a post that moves me to respond, I shoot an email or text if I can.  I certainly do still care, so don't think I have forgotten about anyone.

Changes for a new season

I honestly have not really attempted any sort of organized diet or conscious effort to curb my absurd eating habits in over a year.

But I guess the glow of my newly-wedded life might be fading now and I am tired of feeling heavy and round and out of shape.

In my defense, I am still rather active - I run one average twice a week and am usually going to the gym another two times.  But when you compare that to my super-health-conscious, pre-Benjamin life, it's pathetic.  From 2011 to 2013, I ran on average six days a week.  Now, because I am heavier and out of shape, even twice a week seems like a burden.

And then there's the issue of my closet.  I am terrified to bring out last year's spring and summer clothes only to discover that nothing fits.  Can I just keep wearing sweaters all summer?

So this week I am taking some initiative.  My husband is away in South Africa (any tips, Piggy?  He's in Cape Town!) until Sunday.  I have no social commitments at all this week.  So today I am shooting for under 1,000 calories and I will definitely go to the gym.  Tomorrow is supposed to be lovely, so I should have a repeat low-calorie day and I feel encouraged to get outside for run and enjoy the good weather.  All of that can easily continue until Friday.  I think it's going to rain and I am babysitting... so unless I can be super motivated to wake up early, I'll have to skip the running/gym altogether and make up for it on Saturday.  I know we are having pizza for lunch on Sunday for my friend's birthday - I can get away with two small slices and salad for dinner.  

I have my overdue annual exam with my OB/GYN scheduled for the first week of April.  I MUST lose weight by then.  Ideally, I want to be 140, but I think realistically I can reach 145 (a number, that as I type it, makes me absolutely cringe.  There was a long time when I swore up and down that I would never, ever, ever be over 140... UGH).  I am also going to make a more conscious effort to eat mostly vegan.  Dairy products and eggs have really crept back into my life (that's what you get for marrying a Frenchie) and while I think its ok to eat them in moderation, I would like them to be more like seasoning, instead of star players.  And finally, I am going to reinforce my "no alcohol during the week" and add "no restaurant/non home-made food during the week."  In addition to it saving calories, we can also save some money (which is important since we are in the midst of buying our first home!).  There really is no reason for us to go out during the week, since my husband travels approximately two weeks out of the month and also could use some good, healthy food when he's home.  Mainly, I need to be more organized with meal planning to accomplish this.  So when he is here, I can at the very least control the ingredients and portion sizes, since meal-skipping is not really an option (and isn't a good option to begin with).

I know that is not a very solid plan, but it is a good start, no?

Part of the reasoning is that I am quite ashamed of my body and what has happened to it.  But there is also a large part that knows that gaining weight is not good for me at its core.  I am not striving to be underweight or to starve myself.  I just know that sensible "dieting" never works for me.  In order to lose weight, I need to take more drastic measures.  I am sure this must sound familiar for some of you, no?  Calorie counting/hyper caffeination begins again today.  

Side notes... Congratulations Ruby on your purge-free streak!  And Happy Birthday, Lou! And I hope you're feeling much, much better, Bella.

Hey, over here!

So where have I been?

Yes, I know it’s been a while.  I suppose it is actually a good thing that I haven’t felt the need to haunt around here too much in the past months.  In all, my posting has been sporadic for more than a year, but the reasons for that are good ones.  Not good in the sense that they are well justified, but good in a way that my life is feeling complete and fulfilling enough to leave me feeling whole and supported.  Good in a way that I no longer break down in tears over the fact that my pants don’t fit or the number on the scale is much too high.  It’s still a relatively new feeling, but I certainly like it.

I don’t want to give all of the credit to my husband for this revolution in my thoughts, but it is obvious that he is the biggest positive influence.  Getting older and maybe a little wiser is surely helping too.  Of course I would still love to be much, much thinner.  Of course I still get insanely jealous when I see girls who are thinner and more beautiful than I.  Of course I have moments of sadness and frustration when I realize that just a few years ago I was fifteen pounds lighter, thinner, and in better shape.  But then I realize that my life can still be happy and full without those things; that my ability to contribute good things into the world is not contingent on my dress size.  It feels good to be appreciated and loved for who I am and what I have to offer.  Everyone deserves to feel that way and it’s the greatest crime in the world that so many people go through life without that.  And that’s not to say that I think this feeling needs to come from a husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend.  I think our blood relatives and friends (the family we choose!) can play the same supporting roles.  The feeling of unconditional love and support leaves you at the same time more vulnerable and open (in a good way) and well as stronger to give your best to others.  It’s honestly an amazing thing and incredibly protective against the horrible negative thoughts that plague so many of us around here. (Disclaimer: I am certainly not trying to claim that having good relationships will fix all ED struggles or related mental illnesses… but good relationships certainly help and maybe for me, a person not too deeply consumed, it is enough to keep me healthy)

So my wish for all of my community sisters (and brothers if you’re out there!) in this holiday season and upcoming New Year if for everyone to have a life filled with love and support.  While that love may often present itself in challenging and at times difficult ways, I hope you can be open to receiving the love you deserve.  When I think back to the years I have lost self-loathing and the sort of horrible self-hatred I often read on our blogs, it honestly makes me sad.  I know there is more to life than that. We all deserve love and some measure of happiness.  So to make it through the holidays, please try and love yourself; ultimately, you are the one who has to protect you and fight for you. And when your friends and family try to show you their love and care – be open to receiving it.  You deserve it!  And if you feel like you have no one, please know that this is not true.  This community proves that you are not alone and that you are loved.  

It’s incredible to me that I can feel like I truly know and love girls who are literally across the country (Lulu! Miranda!) and the world (Ruby! Bella! Piggy! Peri! Cursum Perficio! Avy!), or even around the corner (Mich!) who I’ve never met in person.  My heart breaks and swells when I read your posts or get your emails.  I feel genuinely invested in your lives over the years, even if our communication is sporadic and mostly electronic.  I hope you don’t find me phony or shallow.  I want the very, very best for all of you.

So I suppose that is what is new around here and a good way to wrap up the year for now. All the best for the rest of December and to a healthy, blessed, and love-filled 2016.

One week to go

My husband is arriving a week from tomorrow. I still find it odd to call him my "husband." And it's stranger still to realize that my days alone in my little house are over. Surely, I am looking forwar to it, but it is still a strange prospect. I've been living independently for some time. On top of that, I have never shared a bedroom or been in close quarters with anyone for ore than a few months. I suppose it's equally scary and exciting.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your perspective), I have managed to mostly maintain my cool through this stress and not resort to restriction and self loathing. My weight hasn't budged a bit, which makes me horribly sad, but it's good that it's not consuming my life. I know already that I am nervous about eating around Benjamin day in and day out. I don't eat like most people and I'm nervous to adapt. If I was smarter, I would have tried to adapt already. I would have been eating much less and simply square meals these past few months. If I had done that, I'm sure my wedding dress would be loose and I would, at the very least, feel more comfortable in my body.

On the upside of all this, in preparation for my best friend's wedding in October, three of us (including the bride) started Insanity at the beginning of the month. I've done it before (and was in the best shape of my life, at the same time I started dating Benjamin) and so far, so good. It has only been two weeks, but maybe it will change something.

I am trying to enjoy the last bit of summer. I haven't taken advantage of it, honestly. I spend most of my time indoors instead of out on the patio enjoying a glass of rosé. I suppose buying a new car might count? I managed to find and afford an adorable red Fiat. It isn't often that I do anything simply for pleasure... This was the closest I'll get, since it was mostly for fun with a healthy dose of practicality thrown in.

My next post might not be for a bit (not that I post very often anyway). I hope you are all well, or at least stable.